Funny thing happened over my vacation...

Funny thing happened over my break. I forgot to turn my matching off.

This is a significant break from my usual. Usually, I'm quick to initiate communication. My vacation forced people to wait.

So... what happened?

A lot more women decided to close me.

Now, this wasn't a well-designed experiment. And the fact that I received more closures as a result of not initiating communication quickly may be a coincidence.

But, it does make me think about the reasons why this might have happened.

First of all, as I've commented before, when you're the first guy to initiate communication, you are going to get more attention and interest than if you were the 45th guy. She's curious about the first few guys she meets. But the time she hits #45... her defenses are up against the onslaught of men competing for her attention.

But, there might be other reasons as well.

There could be a "sour grapes" effect going on in her mind. A thought process akin to, "Huh... he isn't starting anything... maybe there's a reason."

If your profile looks particularly passive, it may seem like you're waiting for her to initiate. And passive guys aren't very attractive.

She may be getting more involved with a guy (or guys) who did initiate communication.

Anyway, it was an interesting (if accidental and inconclusive) experiment.

Still have a flaw? Seek guidance.

One classic mistake that I discussed in Friday's article is how people often act when they see themselves as having a flaw that they feel will make them have problems finding the woman they're looking for.

The first step people often make? Trying to hide it.

And, as we said on Friday, that usually makes problems worse.

So, you're done hiding. But it's still out there. You're not calling attention to the "problem" by hiding it. You're not making excuses, or holding it out as a weakness.

But it's still causing problems.

Now, think about it for a minute.

Is your problem really that unique?

Are you sure you're the only guy out there with this "problem"?

Of course not.

And I bet that, somewhere out there, there are plenty of guys who who've already figured out how to do well. In spite of your "problem".

Find them.

Figure out why they've been successful, in spite of the flaw that you share.

Odds are, some of their solutions may work for you.

"But, I can't get women, because I'm..."

Yep, I'm deadlocked with yet another match.

Although she's asked some really detailed "Phase 3" questions, she still hasn't revealed her photos. Until now, she's been eager to respond to every question. Within hours.

Now, I've sent a photo nudge, and haven't heard from her in quite some time.

And, here... I've gotta shake my head.

It is a common refrain in the dating world. The feeling that you can't find a girlfriend because of some "flaw".

You're short.

You're overweight.

Your nose is crooked.

Whatever.

Well, the problem is, by saying this, you're revealing that you have TWO problems.

One is the "problem" that you're talking about. (And, if it's possible to fix - think about it. It may be what you need to fix the second problem.)

The second? You're showing a lack of confidence.

And that's a major turn-off.

The fact is - "model-perfect" matches are rare. And, if a woman is signing onto eHarmony, she's at least somewhat of the belief that a guy's personality is important. (If not... why sit through a 300 question personality questionnaire?)

But, a lack of confidence? Now you've got internal problems. Not external ones.

So, if you've got a "flaw"? Don't draw more attention to it than you need to.

Don't apologize. Don't hide.

And if she's got a problem with it? Make it her problem. Not yours.

Pictures: Small things can make a big difference!

Lately, it seems like my eHarmony response rate has risen dramatically. For a long time, I could count on around 22% of my matches to open communication with me.

That percentage has recently increased to 33%. And it's climbing.

And I haven't made a single change to my profile text.

I could just be lucky. But I doubt it.

And I have made some improvements to my photos. They're not huge differences.

But they seem to be making a big difference in my results.

Better Camera, better pictures. Duh!
First, I got a better camera. My old camera was a fixed-focus 3.2 Megapixel camera, made by HP (known to be cheap-to-mediocre). I've finally replaced it with an 8 Megapixel, autofocus camera, built by Canon (One of the better brands). The pictures are of noticably better quality, even after they get compressed and squished by eHarmony. And, like I said, small differences seem to be making a real difference. And, yes, if you've got any pictures taken from a cell phone camera - you need to replace 'em. Seriously.

Can't afford a good camera? See if you can borrow one from a friend. Or, if you don't mind taking out a Discover card, you can get this one free. (And, no, they're not paying me anything. But it is how I got my camera, so I figured that I'd share. I, and many others have spoken for the fact that they've been in business for a long time, and are reliable in carrying out their promises.)

If you've got a portrait mode, use it!
A little bit of soft focus does make you look better.

Let 'em see your eyes
Okay, I do have blue eyes, but that's not terribly unusual. But I have always noticed one thing - photos that are close enough for people to see my eye color rate significantly higher than those that don't. And, yes, when I got a better camera, it captured my eye color much better.

Crop, Crop, Crop!
Picture composition can make a big difference. If something in the picture is distracting or ugly - crop it out, if you can. If you can't, see if you can get some software to "airbrush" the distractions out. Oh, and you can "airbrush" other little imperfections out too. Like your acne breakouts. Don't get extreme - you want the picture to look like you - but a little touchup can be a good thing.

Don't be a loner
One long-standing rule among pickup artists is this: Don't do what everyone else does.

Do you ever notice how so many people either put up pictures with them alone? Or with other people awkwardly cropped out?

If you've got decent-looking friends, or you're at social events, don't be afraid to have other people in your photos. It shows that you socialize. That you hang around with other people who can present themselves respectably. All good things.

You can go too far. Pictures of you with your ex probably shouldn't be included. But if you're just socializing, and some attractive women are slightly out of focus in the background... that's fine.

Show yourself relaxing
Don't tense up for the camera. Keep joking with your friends. Lean back. Let them lean in toward you to get in the picture. Let them stiffen up before the flashbulb.


When you look relaxed - it makes you look like you're in command of the group.

Avoid tourist photos
Photos in foreign and exotic places are okay. But you want it to look like you're being social. Not like you're trying to brag about your travels.

Avoid the photos of you near obvious tourist traps. Use the ones where you're with friends, catching the more subtle flavor of where you are.

Tell part of the story
Don't leave long explanations of what you're doing in your profile. And don't provide explanatory captions. Let 'em wonder.

Trust me, they'll ask you.

Small things? Yes. But they've made a huge difference for me.

Let me know how they work for you!

Attacking the questions? Be careful...

Okay, folks. We all know that some of eHarmony's questions are really stupid.

And it can be tempting to dismiss stupid questions.

The problem? It rarely works well.

Yes, it can be a lot of fun to come up with witty retorts to stupid questions. But, often, those witty retorts make you look like you're trying too hard to answer a simple question.

It can make you look more evasive. Less genuine. And, usually, less idealizable.

They tend to break the "fourth wall" of having an intimate conversation.

And, if a woman has invested effort into choosing a question, she may see your dismissal as a personal rejection of her values.

Now, I'm not saying that "attacking the question" has no place in anyone's toolbox. If you feel like you're being treated like a doormat, or you're being asked an offensive question, this may be your best response.

But, in those cases - you're already fighting a losing battle. And your response may only serve to let you leave with head held high.

And, a lot of times, that's a good reason.

Be a profile critic.... You could win a personal consultation

As I've mentioned, I'll soon be opening the doors on my consultation business.

And I'm giving you a chance to be my first customer. For free.

And even if you don't win the consultation... you'll STILL be a winner.

How can you win?

Here's how it works:

1. Join the google group. You're going to have to talk to your fellow readers to compete in this one, folks.
2. Write an email to me at the address listed at the top of this blog. Use a subject line of "GROUP OF FIVE".
3. I'll start a discussion on the Google Group for your "Group of five". You'll be randomly assigned to join four of your fellow readers.
   
4. Post your eHarmony profile to your "Group of five" thread.
5. Once you've put your profile on the chopping block... provide your BEST feedback to your fellow "Group of five" members.
6. I'll let the threads go on for at least two weeks.
7. In each group of five, I'll pick a "winner", based on the quality of the criticism they provide, and how much I feel they've improved by participating in the process. And, yes, my decision is both subjective and final.
8. I reserve the right to advance "wildcard" winners in the competition, at my convenience and selection. (Mostly to make sure that the semi-final and final groups have 5 members.)
   
9. The winners of each "group of five" round will be placed in NEW groups of five, consisting of other winners.
10. The process repeats... until we have a winner.
11. Yes, you can post comments to groups other than your group of five. (Or, even if you're not a "group of five" member.) But you won't advance in the competition for doing it.
    

So, even if you don't win the competition - you'll still be getting some great feedback from your fellow members. And the more you help others (and respond to the help offered to you)... the better help you're going to receive.

And the winner? Will get a personal consultation on the subject of their choosing.

Want me to give my personal criticism of your profile? Fine.

Got another sticking point you'd like to talk about? I'm all ears.

And, like I said... my personal consultations won't come cheap, folks. You're looking at an over $200 value here.

So, get crackin' folks. And I'll see you on the Google Group.

Don't get caught by the Halo Effect...

Seduction artists have long commented on something called "The Halo Effect". A fancy social psychological term for something that, on one level, seems pretty obvious. When we see other people responding to it, that is.

And, once in awhile, you find a classic example of the "Halo effect" in action. Take a look at this article, especially the comments.

In the beginning, she looks like she's a typical woman carrying the banner of those who say they've been "rejected by eHarmony".

But, she is attractive. She makes a living as a model. And, so the halo effect begins.

And it's funny how so many people rallied to her defense. And they don't only comment upon how crazy eHarmony is to reject such an attractive woman. (As if they should be making exceptions for attractive women...)

They also talk about how "well-adjusted" and "intelligent" she is.

Now, wait a minute... did any of the commentators actually meet this woman?

Probably not. They're caught in the halo effect. They see one positive attribute, and assume that she is well-adjusted and intelligent.

Maybe she is. And, maybe, eHarmony's testing process made a mistake in her case.

And, maybe she isn't quite the catch that the commentators are making her out to be. I don't know. I've never met her.

Like I've said, it's easy to catch other people in the halo effect.

It's trickier to spot it in yourself.

Oh, and don't worry, commentators. There are other attractive women on eHarmony too.