Profile clinic: Polishing the headlights

Well, it's time to hit the profile clinic again.

"Monk" from Louisiana, describes his sticking point like this:

"I’d been getting decent results . . . however the women that I was most interested in tended to close me before ever getting started."

Unlike the last profile clinic, the problem here isn't a lack of response. He's captured these women's attention. It's demonstrating his personality. But he might be demonstrating it in an unattractive way.

So, let's look at the kind of woman that Monk is trying to get. He describes her as:

"...Someone who can bring interesting perspectives and opinions into conversations on a wide variety of subjects. I don’t care if we have the same ideologies and in fact I’d prefer that we don’t so that we can both learn more from our conversations. I love verbal sparing with women who are feisty and can be somewhat stubborn at times and sweet at others. I enjoy being with someone who can truly challenge me on my beliefs/behaviors and who isn’t afraid to do so if she has a different view on things. I’d like a woman who is adventurous (never afraid to try new things/places/experiences), and has a level of ambition close to my own, but isn't totally absorbed in their career."

Okay. Let's look at the profile, and see what might be a problem.

"1. What are you most passionate about?

I'm most passionate about learning; finding new and old things and immersing myself in them and sometimes turning them into new passions. One of my earliest fascinations was (and still is) with music. When I was very young my Grandmother bought a small organ for me that I played every time that I went to visit. I really loved making up my own little melodies and imitating things I’d heard. That organ sparked a deep passion for making/experiencing music... As far as what my favorite type is I have very eclectic tastes, but if my name hasn’t given it away I certainly won’t."

Hmm... Nothing really repellent here. In fact, this is pretty appealing to your target audience. I like it. And I'd leave it alone.

"2. What are the THREE things for which you are MOST thankful?

1. My relationship with God.
2. Music!
3. Boudin!"

#1 may may be causing some problems. You say that you're looking for someone who's pretty free-spirited, but many people who openly espouse their religious faith come off as potentially narrow-minded and intolerant of differences.

I don't know enough about your brand of faith to help you resolve this. Many more liberal persuasions emphasize more free-spirited inquiry - for example, personal interpretations of scripture (rather than dogmatic acceptance), and service to the needy. Perhaps this is what you need to emphasize more in your profile. If that's you, of course.

Your other options? Either don't talk about faith (you don't need to talk about everything that's important to you), change your target, or leave it alone with the knowledge that women who have issues with men who espouse religious principles aren't for you.

"3. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

My grandmother was like a rock in my life when I was growing up. She had a calm confident strength that seemed to be in endless supply. Anytime I had a problem or couldn't figure out what to do I knew all I had to do was talk to her. My grandmother taught me to develop my faith and to find a source of strength in my own life through God. She also introduced me to another one of my passions. Once she let me take apart one of her old TVs. I sat and stared inside the little box for hours gazing at the clear glass vacuum tubes, following all the different colored wires around, and marveling at how many connections..."

This started off well. Again, we do have the "religious faith" issue to resolve... I'll address how I'd go after it in a later section, and leave it out of this paragraph. As far as the electronics... It really detracts from the emotional core of the paragraph. I'd cut out everything including (and after) "She also introduced me to another one of my passions."

"4. The four things your friends say about you are:

1. Intelligent
2. Perceptive
3. Loyal
4. Funny

5. What are three of your BEST life-skills?

Using humor to make friends laugh

Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness

Remaining calm yet resilient during a crisis"

It's pretty consistent with the profile. I'd leave it alone.

"6. What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?

If you’re my ideal partner you aren’t interested in blindly following a set of religious rules and regulations but your friends would consider you to be very spiritual. You work daily to strengthen and grow your personal relationship with God."

This would ordinarily be fine, even if it's a touch more negative than I'd like. However, we've got a mild disconnect between what you're telling me you're looking for, and what your profile says that you're looking for. You need to ask yourself: Which is more important, this, or "Someone who can bring interesting perspectives and opinions into conversations on a wide variety of subjects"?

"7. Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?

I like to tease and play when I first meet people."

This is fine...

"8. What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?

I know what I like and what I don't like. I think people see me being picky and assume that I'm not really open to new experiences but that couldn't be further from the truth."

This is pretty negative, especially to your target audience. When you say you don't look like you're open to new experiences, many people will assume it's because you AREN'T open to new experiences, but just don't realize it.

If you want to salvage this, I'd use something along the lines of, "Because I'm so passionate about the things that I enjoy, people often don't realize how much I enjoy new experiences and perspectives." It says the same thing... but the phrasing is much more positive.

Or... this might be a good space to talk about your religious faith. (While leaving it out of other sections.) You can adopt the paragraph you used before: "Faith is very important to me. I don't believe in blindly following religious regulations, but (what you do to "sharpen the saw" on a daily basis), and my friends recognize me as a very spiritual person.

"9. How do you typically spend your leisure time?

I love cooking for my friends and family. Making meals and trying to find inventive ways to incorporate rich spicy flavors while keeping the food healthy is without a doubt one of my simple pleasures. I'm always experimenting with new things."

This is good. Leave it alone.

"10. What are five things that you "can't live without?"

1. God
2. Laughter!
3. A computer with a net connection...
4. Black & White movies
5. A towel! (tell me you get the reference...)"

#1 is okay, if you've grounded it with something like I've suggested. #5... is just a little too geeky. The women who'd get it might be afraid that you're the type of guy who'd wear his Star Trek uniform to a wedding. I'd pick something with less baggage.

"11. Describe the last book that you read and enjoyed. What was it about? What did you like most about it?

I read a lot of things (mostly for research these days), but I'm gonna go for the easy one here and say the Bible... It was about my loving father and what I like most about it was finding out that his love for you and me is unconditional."

Again, I think we're in religion overkill. Talking about your faith once in your profile makes you look passionate. Endless repeats make you look insecure, insincere, or dogmatic. Switch to another gear.

"12. Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know.

I see dead people…"

In another context, this might be funny. But, here, it looks like a dodge. Either that, or you really do see dead people... and you really want to wait a few dates before flying THAT "freak flag".

You left me with one of your old profiles... I'd adapt one of your old lines. How about, "I think life would be a lot more fun if there were more water balloon fights..."

"13. Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?

I recently made a decision in my life to get healthy. I've posted a before pic in my photos. The other pictures were taken as part of my celebration for reaching a milestone in my effort to reform my way of living. It's a work in progress but I'm about 60% of the way to my goal."

I don't have much experience with this approach, and don't know whether it would work or not. I'd experiment with alternating this with a more "standard" call to action, and see which works better.

There you go. You've got a lot of attractive traits, so this was an easy profile to edit. It just needed a little bit of polish.

And let me know how it works for you. Good or bad, I'd like to let my readers know.

Good luck!