Comfort or not? Case studies from the field

Here are some situations that have occurred recently. As you can see, understanding the level of attraction (and whether the stated question seems like a comfort question) is key to understanding whether it should be handled as a "shit test", as an opportunity to provide comfort (removing emotional barriers to intimacy), or, perhaps, a mixture of both.

Case 1: In Phase 3 communication, a woman writes very long, detailed answers to my questions, and actively places herself in a romantic situation with me in one of the answers. However, she includes an apology that her future communications may be sporadic, as her father is dying.

Her level of attraction? Not absent... but we haven't met yet. Hardly any level of comfort-building seems inappropriate. It would signal that I'm already "sold", and attraction would be hard to rebuild. On the other hand, an insensitive response would have definitely chased her away. (Which would be okay, if I were less patient.)

My solution? Temper a little bit of comfort with a LOT of disinterest.

My response? "Sorry to hear about that. Definitely, do what you need to do. I'm just 'zis guy from Indianapolis, you know?" (She lived in another city.)

Indifferent... but not blowing her apart with an insensitive lack of comfort.

Case 2: First date. A lot of pre-date banter and game-playing took place before the date, which she enthusiastically responded to, and escalated. (I haven't talked about pre-date banter yet - I consider it an advanced technique. However, it builds suspense beautifully by looking like she has a chance to provide comfort, when in fact, due to the artificial "rules" I put on the games, she can actually receive very little.) However, upon meeting, the first minutes were a bit cold. About the only indicator of interest that I saw was that she showed up for the date.

When we sit down at the table, she pulled out a photocopy from an astrology book, and described how our signs were completely incompatible. After reading pages of this description of our fundamentally incompatible personalities, she asked me, "Well, what do you think?"

Clear shit-test... I answered, "Wow. You sure take that stuff seriously." She sat in silence for a little bit, and said, "Well, no. But I just don't know that much about you." Signs of interest reemerged. And real comfort measures could begin, now that she was asking a little more appropriately.

Case 3: First date. Great pre-date banter beforehand. Very warm indicators of interest... until I tap her on the hand. She jerks back. A little later, she says, "Something's been bothering me. Can you tell me a little bit about your divorce?"

She's attracted, but blocked. It's unusual (on a first date) for this to cause such a block... but the only way I'll know why is to provide comfort. I tell her my story, she's very quickly convinced and relieved. And then, she talks about her broken engagement, and slips that it was less than 6 months ago. I asked her, "How are you feeling about dating again?" She replied, "I'm not really sure. I only signed up on eHarmony for the personality profile..."

There was no date 2. We still talk once in awhile... but she's still pretty messed up. And not relationship material.