Spotting the scammers

Unfortunately, where there are men who desperately want to meet a woman... there are rip-off artists ready to take advantage of that desperation.

eHarmony is better than most sites at repelling scammers. The fact that your profile only goes to people who are a personality match, the high cost of the service, and eHarmony's responsiveness to complaints keep the "scam" traffic minimal.

But... some "scam" profiles are still going to be there.

If you run into profiles like these -- don't give your real email address (unless you don't mind getting clogged with spam), and definitely never send money, or accept redirection to unknown websites.

As I see it, there are two types of scammers out there:

The barely-literate scammer

The barely-literate scammer, generally, is not well-educated in US culture or language. They generally provide one photograph, which, on close inspection, will look like it came out of a magazine. It will usually be "exotic" in some way, but not necessarily attractive.

Poor spelling and grammar tend to be common. And characteristics can be bizarre. (My latest one was a 23 year old Jewish Asian doctor.)

If it doesn't make sense... there's a reason. Close, and report your suspicions to eHarmony.

The sophisticated scammer

Some scammers do a much better job of appealing to the "average guy". They will provide great photos, and more than one of them. And they'll look very attractive.

Close inspection of the photos will show that the lighting is perfect. And everything will look like modeling studio quality. Sometimes, they'll put some captions up that try to make the photos look candid. That's a sure sign of a sophisticated scammer at work.

The language will be good, but look for signs of British English. Language will be very inviting, vague, generic, and flirtatious. Sexual references may be present.

These "women" are good, and there are relatively few of them. You can learn a few things about building an "inviting" profile by reading their profiles. But be very cautious when you're communicating with them. Do not give your "real" email address... and all the usual precautions.

And if they ask for money, or for you to go to another website... Report them.

War Journal,4/30/07

A slow week for number of matches... Giving me opportunity to provide a little bit of gory detail regarding the matches' deaths.

1 closed me before step 1 - but I had a feeling we're not each others' type. Answers were way too superficial, especially in comparison to my profile, which is designed to draw women completely different from her. So... Buh-bye, not missed.

1 was full of statements like, "I wear my heart on my sleeve", "I'm really shy around people", "I get hurt easy." She closed me soon after receiving my closed-ended answers. Guess I spooked her with my answers... but, certainly, not a loss.

1 was a 40 year old "physician" who provided no photos, minimal answers, bad grammar, multiple misspellings... I call it a dead profile. Close.

1 is in phase 3 communication. For some reason, "jock girls" like my profile. Go figure. Not that I'm complaining - I actually get along pretty well with them.

1 is in phase 1 communication. In the same work field as me, maybe a little over dedicated... but it's too soon to draw conclusions.

One is another "no photos/minimal answers" profile. Just got it this morning. She's on hold for a couple of days to get her act together.

One phone call, one date arranged. The "dying father" woman. I'm looking at this one more as an opportunity to expand my social network than as a serious girlfriend candidate.

And that's this week's action.

Bring out the dead (profiles)...

Unfortunately, eHarmony does not actively remove profiles from inactive members. In a way, failing to do so might make some business sense. New members can see a list of "matches", and be forced to pay before discovering that they're dead. And, if it's an inconvenience to us members... well, we're going to pay anyway, aren't we?

Because of this, and the reasons I stated in my last article, I have very little tolerance for a lack of communication.

Like I said, there's no way that eHarmony is going to come out and say that a profile is inactive. But, there are a few hints.

First, the obvious ones: The ones with no photos, and minimal (or no) answers to questions. In extreme examples, they tend to use pseudonyms, or 1 letter names. If you're seeing this, they probably only logged in to see what it's like, and left just as quickly. If you feel incredibly generous... put them on hold for a few days to send them the message to shape up or ship out. But that's it.

One sign that they might be active? If they looked at your profile before you looked at theirs, the match status will be at "Phase one". However, if they haven't looked at their profile (and you haven't looked at it either), their status will be at "Introduction". So... if they're at Phase 1, there's a human on the other end of the account. She may be a nonmember, though, and still may not decide to pay in order to continue communications.

Another subtle hint? Look at their personality profile. If it looks different from yours (even the "no profile" screen looks different), then the profile was built with an older version of the eHarmony questionnaire. Which means that, either, she's a long-time member... or a long-abandoned profile. But it's another hint.

When I come back on Monday... some profiles are even worse than the "dead" ones. We'll talk about those.

Patience ISN'T a virtue on eHarmony...

Obviously, all of us want to have more matches to choose from.

And, when we do get a match... it's better if we're one of the first guys that a woman sees. Because women pay more attention to their first matches than to the 35th entry on their "active matches" list.

So, we'd all like to know what we can do to get more, and earlier matches.

We're at a disadvantage, though. eHarmony doesn't let us know how its algorithms work. And they certainly aren't going to give me access to them.

Because of this, I have to make some assumptions based on my experience.

One thing that I've observed is that, when I have an empty list (or a list that's almost empty), I'm much more likely to show up when a woman hits, "Find more matches".

And that's probably the best time to get a match.

So... guess what? You know those women who want to go into marathon sessions before they give up a phone number? Or the ones that take weeks to respond?

That's right. They may be blocking you from receiving a better (and more cooperative) match.

So... don't let them try your patience.

In my experience, women who don't respond to communication within a week (or within a couple of days from a nudge) will not establish communication with you.

And if a woman places you on hold... forget it. I've never had a woman come back from hold. Ever.

Give 'em the boot, and move on.

Of course, the uninterested aren't your only enemies in keeping a clean match list. There are also women who abandoned the system. And a few "scammers" as well.

My tips for spotting these time-stealers? Read on...

Comfort or not? Case studies from the field

Here are some situations that have occurred recently. As you can see, understanding the level of attraction (and whether the stated question seems like a comfort question) is key to understanding whether it should be handled as a "shit test", as an opportunity to provide comfort (removing emotional barriers to intimacy), or, perhaps, a mixture of both.

Case 1: In Phase 3 communication, a woman writes very long, detailed answers to my questions, and actively places herself in a romantic situation with me in one of the answers. However, she includes an apology that her future communications may be sporadic, as her father is dying.

Her level of attraction? Not absent... but we haven't met yet. Hardly any level of comfort-building seems inappropriate. It would signal that I'm already "sold", and attraction would be hard to rebuild. On the other hand, an insensitive response would have definitely chased her away. (Which would be okay, if I were less patient.)

My solution? Temper a little bit of comfort with a LOT of disinterest.

My response? "Sorry to hear about that. Definitely, do what you need to do. I'm just 'zis guy from Indianapolis, you know?" (She lived in another city.)

Indifferent... but not blowing her apart with an insensitive lack of comfort.

Case 2: First date. A lot of pre-date banter and game-playing took place before the date, which she enthusiastically responded to, and escalated. (I haven't talked about pre-date banter yet - I consider it an advanced technique. However, it builds suspense beautifully by looking like she has a chance to provide comfort, when in fact, due to the artificial "rules" I put on the games, she can actually receive very little.) However, upon meeting, the first minutes were a bit cold. About the only indicator of interest that I saw was that she showed up for the date.

When we sit down at the table, she pulled out a photocopy from an astrology book, and described how our signs were completely incompatible. After reading pages of this description of our fundamentally incompatible personalities, she asked me, "Well, what do you think?"

Clear shit-test... I answered, "Wow. You sure take that stuff seriously." She sat in silence for a little bit, and said, "Well, no. But I just don't know that much about you." Signs of interest reemerged. And real comfort measures could begin, now that she was asking a little more appropriately.

Case 3: First date. Great pre-date banter beforehand. Very warm indicators of interest... until I tap her on the hand. She jerks back. A little later, she says, "Something's been bothering me. Can you tell me a little bit about your divorce?"

She's attracted, but blocked. It's unusual (on a first date) for this to cause such a block... but the only way I'll know why is to provide comfort. I tell her my story, she's very quickly convinced and relieved. And then, she talks about her broken engagement, and slips that it was less than 6 months ago. I asked her, "How are you feeling about dating again?" She replied, "I'm not really sure. I only signed up on eHarmony for the personality profile..."

There was no date 2. We still talk once in awhile... but she's still pretty messed up. And not relationship material.

Basic comfort theory - and decision making in the field.

One of the classics in the seduction field is the "Mystery model". Despite many of its imperfections, it can be a helpful model for understanding attraction... it's definitely worth a read. And since it's out in mass, it can be had cheaply. You can download it from the website for over $40... or you can order a real book for less than $15. I know which option I'd pick... and, if you don't already have it, you can pick it up at any online bookstore.

Anyway, one aspect of his model that helps make our decision on whether we need to address a "shit test" or true comfort need is to understand her current level of attraction.

According to the Mystery Model (as I understand or interpret it), comfort-building and attraction-building are both necessary in order for a woman to feel like she can advance a relationship. Whatever "advance" means to the two of you, anyway.

When you've got high attraction and low comfort - a woman starts to freak out.

On the other hand, when you're providing comfort in the absence of attraction - the woman thinks that you're a doe-eyed puppydog.

So, when you're wondering whether to answer a question as a "shit test deflection" or a "comfort-building" measure... take a look at what she's asking, and the level of attraction that's there.

If a woman has not displayed any signs of interest, and starts to ask intrusive questions... it's probably a shit test. (And if it happens on an eHarmony date... you need to stick closer to the system.)

If you've made out a few times, and she asks you if you're dating other people... She's going to get awfully uncomfortable if you don't provide an answer. Or just assume that the answer is "yes", but you don't have the balls to talk about it.

Of course, few cases are as simple as these extremes. I'll provide some field cases in my next post... that should make the practice a little clearer.

Building comfort? Or "shit test"?

In a lot of ways, men who are not looking for a serious relationship have an easier time with women.

If a woman is interested in having a "fling", they're looking for all of the characteristics that the pickup artist community teaches. They want a confident man, who doesn't need directions. And, when they do have sex, they don't want the man to think it's a "big deal", or that it means anything. Because, if they're perusing a person with the PUA characteristics, they're not looking for a relationship, either. (Either that... or they're just very stupid. But, most of the time, stupid people are just sad exceptions to the rule.)

When both people want a relationship (with each other, or not), the stakes go up. And a woman is going to want to know a little more about you.

And, when you try to avoid these types of questions, it becomes a barrier to intimacy.

The troubling part? Many women still engage in what the PUA community calls "shit tests". Basically, no-win questions designed to make a man look inconsistent and awkward. Or intrusive questions that, if a man had any self respect, he'd refuse to answer. And if you answer these questions... you look like the desperate men who will say anything to be with a woman.

So, which questions do you want to answer? And which ones are the ones you want to avoid?

Don't worry. It's still pretty simple. We'll talk about it tomorrow.

War Journal, 2/23/07

Catching up on two weeks of activity...

I closed:
1 woman with the name "Y2K", old personality profile, no photo... this screams inactive.
1 who lived too far away.
1 life-long student who lived too far away.
1 Asian-american, who declared herself Jewish, had 1 photo, and very poor command of the English language - Has "scam profile" written all over it.
1 who put me on hold, with statement, "I'm persuing other matches right now."

Closed me:
1 closed after I asked phase 3 questions, stating our must haves/can't stands don't fit.
1 closed after I asked 1st questions, stating "I have too much happening in my life."
1 closed me "based on statements in the profile."

No current active matches.

A frame for the relationship-minded

Pick-up artists spend a lot of time talking about something called, "the frame".

In a way, the early stages of a relationship are a little bit of a scramble. People need to declare, quickly, what they want and don't want out of a relationship. And "men" who aren't able to tell a woman what they want are pretty undesirable.

For most pick-up artists, the frame is, "We're having a good time. Let's leave it at that." And, when a woman starts to ask pesky questions about what you're looking for, standard pick-up technique is to deflect the question.

For example, if a woman starts to imply that they're looking for a "serious relationship", a PUA dodge might be to say, "I'm glad you're interested." Or, "Hey, slow down... I haven't even decided if I like you yet..."

If you're looking for a no-strings attached physical relationship, this IS a great approach. Women who are willing to accept such a relationship understand the message that is being sent with these kinds of dodges. In fact, they're comforted by them - they know that the man won't get clingy, or ask for a relationship that she doesn't want.

In my experience, though, relationship-minded women won't drop the subject with a quick cocky-funny dodge. It's going to be asked again. And, until it's answered, it's going to become a block to further intimacy. Because, unless you can agree on this value, a relationship-minded woman will be too uncomfortable to escalate intimacy.

Within the "traditional" PUA realm, these women are called, "no fun". Or "relationship nazis". And they're a sure sign to move onto another target. But, if you're relationship-minded... I'm not so sure that you want to dismiss them out of hand.

For these women, a slight modification to the frame will help a lot.

My frame? In the early stages, it's, "I'm looking for the right person. I don't know if you're it, yet. And I want to have fun finding out."

When you subtly convey this message...the barrier to intimacy disappears quickly.

Don't take this too far. If a woman wants to put conditions on a relationship that are unacceptable, leave and move on. You have a lot of women to choose from, and you don't need to sell your standards short for anybody.

But if a woman wants you to be open to a committed relationship... I consider that a good thing.

What they REALLY mean when they close you.

In the old days, I made a lot of mistakes on eHarmony. And I got closed a lot.

Looking back at the closures, I've found a "secret language" that women use when they close you.

Sometimes, when women give a reason... they're telling the truth. But other times, they mean something different.

Bottom line: If you're getting one of these messages a lot, think about using my dictionary.

"I don't feel the chemistry is there." = "Your pictures are so hideous, I can't imagine kissing you." If you're getting this a lot, you need better pictures. Like, now. However, in rare cases, this can be like "I think our family backgrounds are too different". But it's usually the pictures.

"I think our family backgrounds are too different." = "You've said something that insults my belief system. And I think you're an antagonistic prick." If you're getting this a lot... start being friendlier. You're being too harsh.

"I have too much happening in my life at the moment." - "Whoa. You're coming on too strong. I'm not ready for the type of the commitment you're asking for." If you're getting this a lot... you're hitting on her too hard. Show interest and intrigue... but let her chase you.

"I don't think our must haves and can't stands fit." - See "I think our family backgrounds are too different."

"I think the physical distance between us is too great." - Unless you've got a real sizable distance, the translation is, "I'm just not that interested." Bump up the intrigue in your profile, if you're getting this one a lot.

"I want to persue other matches at eHarmony." - Rarely, this will be real. Usually... see "I have too much happening in my life at the moment."

"I am persuing another relationship." - See "I want to persue other matches at eHarmony."

"I'm just not ready for the next step." - See "I have too much happening in my life at the moment."

"I am taking a break from dating." - See "I have too much happening in my life at the moment."

"I'd rather not say." - If it's before communication, see "I don't feel the chemistry is there." If you've been communicating, see "I think our family backgrounds are too different."

"This match never responded to my request to communicate." - "I think you're another abandoned profile." You really do need to log in on a regular basis...

"I think the difference in age between us is too great." - If she's older, it's, "Act your age, jerk." If she's younger, it's "You look too old-fashioned to me." If you're getting this a lot... think about the age that you're targeting. If you're aiming for a younger crowd, show your fun and spontaneous side. If you're aiming for an older crowd, show that you're fun, but responsible and mature as well.

"I think the difference in our inner values is too great." - See "I think our family backgrounds are too different."

"Because no photos are posted."- "Get off your high horse, buddy. I'm not going to talk to someone if there's no hope of physical attraction." Really. You need to post photos.

"Because I was put on hold." - This will usually happen when you put a woman on hold. If you're overwhelmed, turn off matches for awhile. Put people on hold only as a last resort, because most of the time, they will close you.

"Because we are communicating outside of eHarmony" - "I left you my phone number or email address. And you were supposed to use it. So stop being a jerk, and contact me like normal people do."

"Other" - Before communication, see "I don't feel the chemistry is there." After communication begins, see, "I think our family backgrounds are too different."

Profile clinic: Polishing the headlights

Well, it's time to hit the profile clinic again.

"Monk" from Louisiana, describes his sticking point like this:

"I’d been getting decent results . . . however the women that I was most interested in tended to close me before ever getting started."

Unlike the last profile clinic, the problem here isn't a lack of response. He's captured these women's attention. It's demonstrating his personality. But he might be demonstrating it in an unattractive way.

So, let's look at the kind of woman that Monk is trying to get. He describes her as:

"...Someone who can bring interesting perspectives and opinions into conversations on a wide variety of subjects. I don’t care if we have the same ideologies and in fact I’d prefer that we don’t so that we can both learn more from our conversations. I love verbal sparing with women who are feisty and can be somewhat stubborn at times and sweet at others. I enjoy being with someone who can truly challenge me on my beliefs/behaviors and who isn’t afraid to do so if she has a different view on things. I’d like a woman who is adventurous (never afraid to try new things/places/experiences), and has a level of ambition close to my own, but isn't totally absorbed in their career."

Okay. Let's look at the profile, and see what might be a problem.

"1. What are you most passionate about?

I'm most passionate about learning; finding new and old things and immersing myself in them and sometimes turning them into new passions. One of my earliest fascinations was (and still is) with music. When I was very young my Grandmother bought a small organ for me that I played every time that I went to visit. I really loved making up my own little melodies and imitating things I’d heard. That organ sparked a deep passion for making/experiencing music... As far as what my favorite type is I have very eclectic tastes, but if my name hasn’t given it away I certainly won’t."

Hmm... Nothing really repellent here. In fact, this is pretty appealing to your target audience. I like it. And I'd leave it alone.

"2. What are the THREE things for which you are MOST thankful?

1. My relationship with God.
2. Music!
3. Boudin!"

#1 may may be causing some problems. You say that you're looking for someone who's pretty free-spirited, but many people who openly espouse their religious faith come off as potentially narrow-minded and intolerant of differences.

I don't know enough about your brand of faith to help you resolve this. Many more liberal persuasions emphasize more free-spirited inquiry - for example, personal interpretations of scripture (rather than dogmatic acceptance), and service to the needy. Perhaps this is what you need to emphasize more in your profile. If that's you, of course.

Your other options? Either don't talk about faith (you don't need to talk about everything that's important to you), change your target, or leave it alone with the knowledge that women who have issues with men who espouse religious principles aren't for you.

"3. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

My grandmother was like a rock in my life when I was growing up. She had a calm confident strength that seemed to be in endless supply. Anytime I had a problem or couldn't figure out what to do I knew all I had to do was talk to her. My grandmother taught me to develop my faith and to find a source of strength in my own life through God. She also introduced me to another one of my passions. Once she let me take apart one of her old TVs. I sat and stared inside the little box for hours gazing at the clear glass vacuum tubes, following all the different colored wires around, and marveling at how many connections..."

This started off well. Again, we do have the "religious faith" issue to resolve... I'll address how I'd go after it in a later section, and leave it out of this paragraph. As far as the electronics... It really detracts from the emotional core of the paragraph. I'd cut out everything including (and after) "She also introduced me to another one of my passions."

"4. The four things your friends say about you are:

1. Intelligent
2. Perceptive
3. Loyal
4. Funny

5. What are three of your BEST life-skills?

Using humor to make friends laugh

Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness

Remaining calm yet resilient during a crisis"

It's pretty consistent with the profile. I'd leave it alone.

"6. What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?

If you’re my ideal partner you aren’t interested in blindly following a set of religious rules and regulations but your friends would consider you to be very spiritual. You work daily to strengthen and grow your personal relationship with God."

This would ordinarily be fine, even if it's a touch more negative than I'd like. However, we've got a mild disconnect between what you're telling me you're looking for, and what your profile says that you're looking for. You need to ask yourself: Which is more important, this, or "Someone who can bring interesting perspectives and opinions into conversations on a wide variety of subjects"?

"7. Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?

I like to tease and play when I first meet people."

This is fine...

"8. What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?

I know what I like and what I don't like. I think people see me being picky and assume that I'm not really open to new experiences but that couldn't be further from the truth."

This is pretty negative, especially to your target audience. When you say you don't look like you're open to new experiences, many people will assume it's because you AREN'T open to new experiences, but just don't realize it.

If you want to salvage this, I'd use something along the lines of, "Because I'm so passionate about the things that I enjoy, people often don't realize how much I enjoy new experiences and perspectives." It says the same thing... but the phrasing is much more positive.

Or... this might be a good space to talk about your religious faith. (While leaving it out of other sections.) You can adopt the paragraph you used before: "Faith is very important to me. I don't believe in blindly following religious regulations, but (what you do to "sharpen the saw" on a daily basis), and my friends recognize me as a very spiritual person.

"9. How do you typically spend your leisure time?

I love cooking for my friends and family. Making meals and trying to find inventive ways to incorporate rich spicy flavors while keeping the food healthy is without a doubt one of my simple pleasures. I'm always experimenting with new things."

This is good. Leave it alone.

"10. What are five things that you "can't live without?"

1. God
2. Laughter!
3. A computer with a net connection...
4. Black & White movies
5. A towel! (tell me you get the reference...)"

#1 is okay, if you've grounded it with something like I've suggested. #5... is just a little too geeky. The women who'd get it might be afraid that you're the type of guy who'd wear his Star Trek uniform to a wedding. I'd pick something with less baggage.

"11. Describe the last book that you read and enjoyed. What was it about? What did you like most about it?

I read a lot of things (mostly for research these days), but I'm gonna go for the easy one here and say the Bible... It was about my loving father and what I like most about it was finding out that his love for you and me is unconditional."

Again, I think we're in religion overkill. Talking about your faith once in your profile makes you look passionate. Endless repeats make you look insecure, insincere, or dogmatic. Switch to another gear.

"12. Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know.

I see dead people…"

In another context, this might be funny. But, here, it looks like a dodge. Either that, or you really do see dead people... and you really want to wait a few dates before flying THAT "freak flag".

You left me with one of your old profiles... I'd adapt one of your old lines. How about, "I think life would be a lot more fun if there were more water balloon fights..."

"13. Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?

I recently made a decision in my life to get healthy. I've posted a before pic in my photos. The other pictures were taken as part of my celebration for reaching a milestone in my effort to reform my way of living. It's a work in progress but I'm about 60% of the way to my goal."

I don't have much experience with this approach, and don't know whether it would work or not. I'd experiment with alternating this with a more "standard" call to action, and see which works better.

There you go. You've got a lot of attractive traits, so this was an easy profile to edit. It just needed a little bit of polish.

And let me know how it works for you. Good or bad, I'd like to let my readers know.

Good luck!

So, you're not a jedi master yet?

Yep. I'm back.

Hopefully, during my vacation, you've all had a chance to try out the core ideas of "the system".

You may have reedited your profile, and rechecked it time and time again.

Most of the people who do this start to notice improvements.

But they may still not feel like they're hooking up with the "hot babes" of eHarmony.

Relax.

No one scores 100%. You've read my war journals, so you know that I don't.

And even if I were perfect (which I'm not), I still wouldn't get perfect results.

For one... the "hot babes" are hammered with requests for communication. If you're one of the lucky men who appears on the list first... you'll get attention. If you're the 30th match she's had during the week, you can have a fantastic profile, and your odds still aren't going to be good.

And, of the women who will give your profile a fair shake, some will take offense at the personality you've demonstrated in your profile. If so... you've avoided a bad date. And you should be happy about that.

But, even so... you may still be disappointed.

If you're making no improvement... get some help. Ask friends. Or, submit your profile to me for a profile critique.

But if you're like most people, you're making some improvement.

You may be opening communication with more women... even if they're not as "hot" as you'd like.

You may find yourself opening more... but start having difficulty sustaining their attention throughout guided communication.

Relax.

You're not failing. You're improving.

And you're building momentum.

You're learning what's working. And you're getting experience in figuring out what doesn't.

And, slowly, as you start to succeed, the mental changes will happen.

You'll be more relaxed. And you'll re-edit your profile (yet again) when you're instilled with the confidence that you can be the selector, rather than the selected.

And this attitude will permeate your communication... making it more effective as well.

So, relax. Take your smaller victories for now. You'll build on them.

You don't become a jedi overnight.

What do YOU want to see next?

Well, folks... it's time for me to go on vacation. I'll be returning in a little over a week.

Come to think of it... I've basically posted the "core" of my system.

How's it working?

What have been your success stories?

What are your sticking points?

What would you like me to write about when I get back?

Leave a comment.

Don't be shy. The squeaky wheels WILL get the grease when I return.

The third open communication letter

You should have a phone number by now. If she asks for your phone number instead, I'd give it to her.

But, what if she doesn't give up the digits? Or if she writes about something completely different?

That would be very unusual. Since I've started this protocol, it's never failed. I've never had to write this letter.

But, I imagine that there are some women on eHarmony who are so self-centered, or so psychologically messed up that they believe that I'll make time for an email communication marathon. In spite of my clear statements that I can't.

This last message will take some bravery. The first few times that you "lay down the line", it will probably create anxiety.

But the only alternative is to accept email hell. And, in the old days, when I tolerated it, It never resulted in an actual meeting.

Time to move on.

First of all: Don't send this letter quickly. Remember - you're too busy to read your email. You need to wait a few days. Three days would probably be too soon. Two weeks might be too late.

For the first few times, while that anxiety is still high, use this letter word-for-word.

"Hi, [insert her name here].

Wow. It's been a busy week. Mostly in good ways, though. I hope your week has gone well.

Anyway, I'm sorry to see that you're not ready to talk to me. That's a pity. You seemed like you might be worth getting to know better.

Unfortunately, I just can't think of any other way for us to talk... I really don't have the time for email [if they mention instant messaging, add 'or instant messaging']. So, I guess we're at an impasse.

So... if you're ready to talk, give me a call at [insert your phone number]. Otherwise... it's been a pleasure to "meet" you.

[insert your name]"

And close the match.

Don't worry. There are a lot more people out there. And most of them will want to talk to you. You owe it to yourself to move on.

The second open communication letter

Hopefully, you've received an enthusiastic response to your first eHarmony open communication letter. Now, it's time to respond.

If she picked up on your subtle hint that you'd like to call her sometime, and she said she'd like to talk... Your work is practically done. Just say, "Me too. What's your phone number?" In my experience... you'll get responses like this about half the time.

Otherwise, you need to build the time pressure.

Open the letter with 1-2 sentences addressing what she might have said. You don't have to answer every question and address every issue. In fact, you're about to say that you don't have time to. Don't ask any new questions. Only write sentences that CLOSE questions, and don't open any new topics of conversation.

Open a new paragraph. Now, use that time constraint that you hinted about in the first message, and tell her that, as you feared, you aren't going to be able to keep up with your email. But, you'd still like to talk. And ask for her phone number.

Close by telling her that you're looking forward to talking further.

And, there you go. You've established that your time is valuable, and that, if she wants to continue communication, she must go to the phone.

But what if she doesn't give up her phone number?

It's rare, but it does happen.

We'll talk about that tomorrow.

The first open communication letter - Part 2

To finish your first eHarmony open communication letter, you'll be demonstrating that you've paid attention, that you're showing interest... but you're not quite convinced yet. You'll lay the seeds for the next step, and finally, closing with some "fun" questions.

Let's get started.

Observe, show interest, but challenge
In your next paragraph, you need to show that she's piqued your interest... but you're still not quite convinced.

Take something from her profile (not her photos) that intrigued you, and mention it. But, gently challenge her. Don't insult her. Don't accuse her of lying. You're aiming at a statement that, if you said it in person, would earn you a mock look of horror and a sock in the arm. Not a scowl and a slap in the face.

Some examples?

"You're a triathelete? Cool. I'd like to see if you can beat me in a bicycle race..."

"You're a Harry Potter fan, huh? I like the series too, but, please, don't tell me about the collection of Quidditch cards you hide under your bed."

"So, you like to cook, huh? Excellent. I like to eat. So, I hope your cooking is actually edible..."

Lay groundwork for a phone call
Put in a paragraph break, and put in a sentence (or sentence fragment) alluding that you'd like to talk on the phone sometime. Don't ask for the phone call (or a phone number) yet... you don't want to show you're ready. The stem, "I was thinking that a phone call might be fun, but for now..." is a pretty good one.

Ask some fun questions
Some women are pretty clueless about what to do next. So, you need to bring up some topics for her to write about. The best way to do that is to ask some questions. Preface your questions with something like, "I know we have a million questions to ask each other, but we've already been through some rough interrogation, so here are some fun ones..." And ask one or two questions that are kind of fun. Like what her favorite movie is (or favorite anything, for that matter). Or the most fun thing that she did in the last week. Or what cartoon character/fictional character she most resembles in personality.

Close with a call to action
Time to start a new (short) paragraph. Just leave a quick call for action. Something along the lines of, "I'm looking forward to your reply." Sign, and throw in your email address.

And your first letter is done.

Tomorrow - the second letter.

The first open communication letter - Part 1

So, let's start writing that first open communication letter.

You should write in your own, personal, casual writing style. However, I'll throw in a few crucial ingredients that you need to stick to, in order to make sure she's going to give up her phone number quickly.

In the first paragraph, I like to include 2-3 things: Pleasantries, reference to a time constraint, and (if they wrote first), a brief response.

Pleasantries
It's just polite to start nicely. Say "Hi." Or Hello, konichi-wa, or whatever. And show some appreciation. Something along the lines of, "I've enjoyed this introduction." Or, "I'm glad we're finally getting to talk like normal people." Or, "Thanks for bearing through structured communication".

After the "Hi", it's one sentence. That's it. DO NOT insert a compliment. (We'll explain how to do it properly tomorrow, in paragraph 2.) Don't say how great she is. Only express a pleasantry - that you appreciate the efforts that have been made so far.

Introduce a time constraint
We've talked a lot about "communication hell", and why it's important to avoid it. The primary reason why people end up in communication hell? Because they're afraid to set a limit on the time they're going to spend in open communication.

You need to show that your time is valuable. And, to do that, you need to explain why you're going to be busy.

Here are some examples (combined with appropraite pleasantries):

"(for when you've blazed through open communication in a single morning) Thanks for making a boring morning at work a little more interesting... but I don't think this slack time is going to last long. I can't write a long message, but...."

"I hope you've had a great weekend. I've been really busy with friends, and have a lot of social engagements keeping me REALLY busy over the next few weeks..."

You get the idea. You're establishing NOW that your time is valuable.

Respond (if she wrote the first message)
After drawing your time constraint, respond briefly to her message. If she asked a lot of questions, don't feel obligated to answer them all. Say you're busy. Use the same principles I advocated in answering questions in structured communication. And write 2 sentences here, at absolute maximum.

Paragraph 2 tomorrow.

What NOT to do in open communication

You've finally finished structured communication.

If a woman is communicating with you, it means that she's intrigued, and wants to get to know you better. And, if you don't make mistakes, phone contact is almost a sure thing. (Unless you decide not to take that step.)

But, a lot of men still manage to ruin that sense of intrigue.

The most common mistake? The statement that you'll spend time answering questions until she's ready to go on the phone.

It can be a fair, but time-consuming way to get to know each other. But, when people become comfortable with each other, and DON'T make physical contact... they become friends. And, usually, only email friends at that. And any sexual tension will certainly be dead at the end of the process.

But don't worry. I'll guide you through the process. If you follow the advice that I set forth, you'll have her phone number in two messages. Four at absolute maximum.

The other mistake?

I said that a woman, after completing structured communication, should be intrigued. Interested. But they're rarely fully sold.

But a lot of men start open communication with a shower of compliments. About how they're so right for each other, and how much they have in common. And how soon they want to meet, and all of the wonderful cuddles they're going to share...

But, if a woman's only intrigued... that's a VERY scary proposition.

So, you're not going to hit on her either. You're offering to get to know her better. And that's it.

So, how do we do it?

Watch and learn...

War Journal, 4/2/07

Some interesting stories this week...

Closed Matches:
One reached open communication, and immediately told me s/he couldn't have children. Which made me think... all of her photos had scarves around her neck, and the full-body photo was vague. She had an unusual occupation in a small town. I did a google search, based on her first name, occupation, and city, and I found another photo. With an Adam's apple and no appreciable breasts. CLOSE!

1 closed me, citing distance.
1 closed me, citing age difference.

I closed one due to lack of response.

I closed 2 due to geography, and one due to her never living outside school or home.

Open matches:
The woman who's father is dying came into open communication. I left her a message telling her to call me when things settle a bit. I'm leaving the message open for awhile, seeing as it's probably going to be awhile before she reads it.

One match who hasn't answered the first set of questions yet.

It's been a slow, and somewhat freaky month on the eHarmony front...