Shifting the Frame - What is a date, anyway?

Okay, some folks may still be wondering - if the idea of communication and dating is not to impress a woman... what is the point anyway?

The point is - you're out living your life. And you're seeing who fits in it.

You're not trying to impress. You're seeing if she fits into your world.

It's really that simple.

When she's sold... stop selling!

When guys first start becoming successful on eHarmony, they often make a classic mistake.

For the first time, they see that a woman is becoming interested.

They start to worry... how do I keep this woman? How do I advance the relationship?

But, in their worries, they're overlooking an important point.

The woman is already trying to seduce him.

And, actually, the guy doesn't really need to do that much.

In fact, putting in too much effort at this point, can be counterproductive.

If she's already giving you praise, and you're looking like you're asking for more, you begin to look needy.

And, if you bend over backwards to impress, or "be nice", she starts wondering how genuine you really are.

So, when she's starting to chase you... relax.

And decide for yourself whether or not you want to be seduced.

Ladies: Don't worry THAT much about your looks.

Since I've decided to provide a little bit of advice for women on this blog, I think I'll go into something that most women feel just a little too insecure about.

Yes, when guys talk about dating, they do talk about women's looks.

But, really? In my conversations with women, it seems like women talk to each other about their looks even more. And are much more brutal and critical in evaluating each other's appearances than most men would be.

So, let's clear your head.

Do you think you're overweight? Most women do. Including the ones that aren't.

Do you constantly pick at other flaws? Your clothes? Hair? Anything else?

Okay, maybe it's time to take the advice that I give to most guys: Get an honest, but flattering full-body picture of yourself, and put it up on Hot or Not. Yeah, I know, it seems weird. But, usually women do much better on this website than they think they'll do.

If you're an 8 or above - you'll probably have more male attention on eHarmony than you know what to do with. Relax, and decide which guys are worthy of your attention.

If you're a 7? You're perfectly normal. Just put up your pictures. There are going to be a lot of guys who like you. Maybe not as many as the 8+'s - but you're going to get quality guys talking to you. Not just a bunch of guys who are only thinking with their hormones.

If you're a 6? You probably just need better pictures. Follow the advice that I gave to the guys - have a lot of pictures taken. You'll probably get some in the 7's.

If you're a 5 or below... most of the time, the problems are fixable. I've always said that male looks depend more on style and grooming than anything else. This is true for women, too.

Find some of your attractive female friends. Ask for some suggestions. I bet you'll be surprised about how little you have to do to improve your appearance.

And, yes, if you really are overweight (Google "BMI calculator", and type in your height and weight), it is harder.

But, guess what? You'll still find guys who will find you attractive.

The best thing you can do about your looks? Be confident. Don't apologize.

Put them up. And be honest.

Because, let's face it. If a guy isn't attracted to you... you don't want to meet him anyway. Right?

Phase 3: You MIGHT be worthy...

As I've mentioned on this blog, I've made a significant physical transformation over the years. Bottom line? I'm a lot better-looking of a guy.

And I've noticed this having a significant effect in how my eHarmony matches act.

Before? I could joke and tease women - and they'd be fine. They'd throw it back at me, and it'd all be fun.

Now? It feels like I have to handle them a lot more cautiously. And it's pretty easy to send even the most attractive and interesting women through self-esteem meltdowns.

Are you in this situation?

Here's a trick in phase 3 that seems to help me:

Read the profile carefully.

Find things that you think are intriguing or interesting. And, no, don't try to fake it. Faking it won't work. Women can smell that from a mile away.

Ask phase 3 questions about these things.

Bottom line? It makes them feel like they're starting to earn your attention.

When women are scared that they might be unworthy... they could use a little bit of pumping up.

And when they see that they're making some progress... they'll want to brag and prove themselves worthy of an attractive, accomplished, put-together guy.

So... If you're having trouble with frequent self-esteem meltdowns, give it a try.

Communication Clinic: A first kiss denied?

Lately, it seems like I've been neglecting the "communication clinic" articles. Time to fix that.

Here's one that I've taken from an anonymous participant in our Google Group.

He starts with this question:

So after a year of lots of dating [ . . . ], I finally met someone that I think I might like (on eHarmony). At the end of our second date, she walked me to the subway. Now, I've done enough dating at this point where I'm good at telling when it's ok to kiss a girl. And, I've also found that if you don't atleast kiss on a second date, its probably not going anywhere. Anyway, I went to kiss her and she turned to give me her cheek. I was kind of surprirsed. I actually went in again and she turned away and started laughing. She said "I'm sorry..i can be really shy sometimes..it's not because I don't like you". Granted we weren't in the best place (corner of a busy intersection), but I've never met a girl (at least in her 30s) who is that shy."

Actually, it's not that unusual - it falls right within "Mystery Model" observations. (For those uninitiated to this model... a google search should provide plenty of information.) Many women are shy about having their first kiss in a crowded, public place - I actually work to avoid that.

The classic "Mystery model" response is to say, "I understand", try to get isolation, and try again.

Personally, I probably wouldn't have gone for the second try until I had isolation. But, actually, it worked out just fine that he did. Our reader, in fact, got a result that I may not have recieved...

I got home and got a voicemail from her saying that she hoped I got home safely and was sorry that she's so shy sometimes. It was actually very cute and actually made me like her more.

Now, why did she call back so soon?

She's worried that she might have scared our reader away.

In other words, she cares. Which means... she's interested. And she's persuing him.

So, at this point? She's working for his affections now.

And it's hard to screw it up now.

Another thing worth noticing?

The fact that she denied you the kiss... and you want her even more?

Classic "Playing hard to get". And it can work well.

Learn from this. These games work well in reverse too.

But, trust me, from her reaction - I think denying your kiss hurt her just as much (if not more than) it hurt you. And, truth be told, transparent game-playing is a very strong sign of interest.

But, let's move on. I'm also interested in what things created this problem for him.

He's an experienced dater. He probably knows that isolation is a good thing to have when you're going for the first kiss. So... why didn't it happen that way? He typed on:

Usually i just walk my date home and kiss her outside her apt. This girl actually pointed out her building but didn't want me to walk her home cause she says her doorman checks out all the guys she's with (or something like that).

Wait a minute...

You're an adult, walking an adult woman to her apartment.

How would the doorman know that you're not a relative? Or a coworker?

And, frankly, why should she care if the doorman sees her dating someone? It would be kind of weird for a single woman not to have the occasional gentleman caller.

If she's actually serious about that objection? Sounds like she has some damage going on.

I wouldn't have taken that seriously.

How would I have handled it?

Depends on the moment. Maybe I'd have teased her about needing to clear the next date with him. Or said, "I'm just walking you to your apartment... why, do you have other ideas?" Or, played hard to get myself (scrunch in close, look like I might be going in... and "remember" that there's a problem a few times... can be killer.)

Going to a woman's apartment isn't creepy. It's normal. In fact, for me, personally? On a second date, I'd consider it strange for a woman to refuse to let me pick her up and drive (or walk) her to where we're going.

It's only creepy when you make it that way.

And it's premature for me to be inviting her to my apt.

Again, it's only as creepy as you make it. If a woman is interested in me, I'll often say, "I'm sure you've got to be curious to see where I live." Or mention that I need to pick something up from my apartment, and casually tell her to come with me.

It doesn't have to be creepy.

(And the David DeAngelo line, "... but you have to promise to behave yourself" has worked well, too, on the occasions I've used it. When to use it, of course, is always a judgment call.)

There's a stereotypically romantic park w/a great view in my neigborhood, but just suggesting that we walk there is pretty obvious.

Well... she wants to kiss you. So it's okay to be a little obvious.

But, again, this doesn't have to be weird either. Just call her, and say something like, "Hey, it's a nice day outside... why don't I grab some sandwiches, and we can eat at (the park)?"

So, why is it becoming weird?

Some ideas:

• She's playing hard to get. And if she's playing games with you, it's a sign of interest.
• She's got issues. Maybe she's hiding a husband. Or a boyfriend. Or she likes the power of teasing you. Do you want to deal with the issues? Up to you.
• She's picking up on some tension you're giving off, and that's what's making it weird.
• Some combination of these things.

Bottom line? Relax.

Let her be tense.

And when (and if) you decide to go for it - go for it with confidence.

Ladies - "Playing hard to get" can go too far.

Okay, folks. I do keep track of my audience, and, from the measures I've been taking... almost half of you are women now.

So, I think I should respond to that. (Don't worry, guys, these articles should be fun for you too.) I can't do what I do for the men - which is to describe my experiences, what works, and what doesn't work. But I can provide a guy's perspective, and point out a few mistakes that women make on eHarmony.

First of all, as I've mentioned before, most women can find a guy. However, women are coming to eHarmony to look for quality guys. The guys who are hard to find.

The bad news? Everyone else on eHarmony is also persuing the quality guys. And a lot of my readers date a lot of women.

Which comes to the tactic of "playing hard to get".

I won't insult your intelligence, ladies. Playing hard to get can, and often does, work.

But, in general, you're asking a guy to invest effort in perusing you.

The problem is... quality guys have a lot of women perusing them. And until you've proven that you're a quality woman, the quality guys may not expend the effort.

And, to guys who meet a lot of women? They know that people put their best foot forward. And they don't become infatuated with women that they haven't even met.

So, don't make things harder than they need to.

If you want to meet quality guys, pay attention to your account. Respond in reasonable lengths of time. Follow some of the advice that I give to guys - Be friendly, and give guys an intriguing sample of who you are.

But, playing hard to get with a guy that you haven't even met yet?

Sorry, ladies. Men who are starved for responses may sit through that game. But quality guys aren't going to put in the effort.

Now, after you've met, and he's showing interest... Game on, if you wish.

I'll be back tomorrow...

Sorry, computer problems will prevent me from posting today. I'll be back tomorrow - promise!

This message was brought to you by my cell phone, and two sore thumbs.