There can be a lot of reasons why this might occur. One of the most common?
She gets too excited over email.
And when a woman gets that excited, meeting can become scary.
A few months ago, I managed something similar. Here's how it went.
Starting off? Her guards were way up. She was asking questions that were very premature. And I let her know.
So... This was phase 1, her questions, my answers:
1. How often do you lose your temper? E) Rarely.
2. Which of the following marriage issues do you fear most? B) fear of marrying the wrong person
3. How important is chemistry to you? E) If it isn't there quickly, there's usually a reason...
4. Where do you see yourself living in 15 years? E) Where opportunity knocks.
5. If you were to marry, how many children would be ideal? E) Asking to bear my children already? I do want them, but this is fast...
She fast tracked me, I accepted.
Her first message?
Subj: Clicked on the wrong question!!!I'm not sure I'm buying it. But she's backing off, because she's interested in me. And I'm sure my "alpha"/idealizable response to her questions helped. So, I'll reduce the tension a little bit. But, clearly, being "alpha" is a part of what got me here... abandoning it would be foolish.
Scott,
I have no idea how that question about kids got in there. I'm sorry about that! I just signed up, and I'm sure I was aiming for something else. Please nix that question and forget about until much later.
Thanks for understanding!
XXXX
Subj: RE: Clicked on the wrong question!!!An enthusiastic response...
No worries. Hope you appreciated the joke. :-)
Anyway, looks like we're in open communication now - which is fine with me. It's a much more normal way to talk.
Anyway, a lot of things on your page do seem interesting... but a little serious. What are some of your guilty pleasures?
- Scott (email address)
Subj: More StuffThis caused me to pause. Usually, with a response this enthusiastic, I'm prompting to go to the phone. But, in my mind, it still seemed too fast for a fast track. I went another round - which served to build tension... And show her that I'm beginning to pay attention.
Hi, Scott. Thanks for understanding. And I always like jokes!
We can also go back to formulated questions if you prefer or if you would find it more helpful.
OK, at this point I'm only going to share superficial guilty pleasures. ;-) Despite the genetic predisposition, I avoid guilt if I can help it. But I sure do like pleasure! And that can be a lot of things. I do feel guilty if I nap because there are so many other things I should be doing. And ice cream. I like [regional brand]. And just about anything that pleases the senses.
What strikes you as serious? Some things are serious to me, some not so much.
What game are you watching in that picture? Do you find that people act differently around you because you [what I do for a living]?
You can also email me at: (XXXXX)
(I replied via email, and closed her with the reason, "We're communicating outside of eHarmony")
Subj: Breaking out of eHarmonyOf course, an enthusiastic reply:
Hello, again!
As for [my job]... Some people are intimidated at first. But when they talk for awhile, things usually get normal. Whatever that means. :-)
Hmm... never spent too much time in a city with [local brand] Ice cream. Always hear good things about it, though...
So... what did you do in your last trip to the woods? Find anything interesting? And, for that matter, what brought you into hockey?
Talk later!
Good morning. By the way, I was really impressed that you said "mitzvah" on your page.
Most of my trips in the woods are just about walking and climbing a few hills. [region] has lots and lots of trails with pretty things to look at - rocks, trees, hills, some animals. I haven't been able to go too much the past 3 months, but I'm trying to get my schedule more freed up.
Hockey was kind of an accident. I was at a party and just started talking to the guy who coordinates the local leagues, and he mentioned that it was co-ed. I watched a few games. It looked like so much fun, I had to try it. It's a blast! (I'm very much a beginner, but it's great fun and the people on the team are becoming friends.)
You seem to have a lot of ecletic tastes. What did you spend your time doing this weekend? What game are you watching in your online photo?
Have a great day today.
XXXX
Obviously, she's ready for a phone call. Foolishly, I waited 48 hours - something that builds tension. Which is what I didn't need to do at this point.
She couldn't wait, and sent another message:
I like when i encounter animals like deer and snakes on the trail. That's always fun.
Hockey tonight was a blast. Ends late, though. My coach's team will be playing in [my city] in February.
How was your day?
I reply:
Glad you had a good day... Got lost in cleaning yesterday - getting
ready for a pumpkin-carving party at my place.
Anyway, I've got more cleaning, a lot of meetings, and a few things
with friends this week... I'm probably not going to be able to keep up
with my email very well. I'd still like to talk some more though -
give me a call at (XXX)XXX-XXXX.
Talk later!
She calls (of course). Texts me later in the evening to tell me that she's up until 11. I really was swamped with something else, texted her that I'd call her the next day, she said she understood.
Called the next day. Great phone conversation. (Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered going further... I actually don't like 'em this easy.) Made a date for two weeks at a "halfway" point that I wanted to visit anyway.
Planning the meetup was a little more difficult that I expected. The highlight was being near fall foliage at a state park... but it's also high tourist season, as well. In other words, lunch places would probably be MOBBED, and they weren't good anyway. So, I throw this email out:
Hey, XXX
Unfortunately, the lunch options aren't looking all that good - I've
been to the highest-rated restaurant on TripAdvisor, and thought it
was awful.
So... let's do something a little different. I'll pack some lunches, and we can meet up in [State] Park. I figure the [biggest building] is a good place to meet up... we can probably find a picnic table nearby. You can find directions at [web address]
Anything I need to know about before packing a lunch for you? (Food allergies, etc.)
12:00 sound good? (I realize we're both traveling - someone's likely to be early or late.) :-)
And I'll keep an eye out on weather reports, and let you know if I need to come up with a "bad weather" plan.
Talk later!
Her response:
Oh, wow. This is my dream romantic picnic lunch. Watch out, I'm a sucker for stuff like this. Thanks for asking about the allergies. I don't have any, but I don't eat trayf. (I do mix meat and milk, sorry to say.)
I'll bring some wine and cheese...anything else you can think of?
Here are some pics I took of myself this past sunday. No pressure on the time...when you get there, you get there. And if it rains, we'll figure out something else. Looking forward to it!
She later adds:
oh, here's my car so you can see me drive up. her name is [Name]. (includes picture)
Hmm... running a little hotter than I expected. Definitely overromanticizing. And definitely "showing off" to impress me.
This is a dangerous place. As I've pointed out, when romantic excitement doesn't balance comfort, women get scared. And they start to get nervous.
I held off contact, knowing this was a possibility. Sure enough, a few days later, this message arrives:
Scott,
I'm rather new to the online dating thing, but I think it would be better to meet the first time in a public place like a restaurant, and not in the woods. Let's hook up in [small town]. I found this:
[restaraunt weblink]
Or I'm open to other suggestions. [Nearby small town] might have more to offer than [City with the park].
Sorry about the last minute request for a change. Are you OK with this?
I'll follow up with a phone call, too.
Now, I'm in a tricky situation.
I need to reset the comfort/tension balance.
And I need to stay idealizable.
How do I do it?
We'll continue tomorrow.
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