On recovery from a BAD relationship

Time to move to a more serious note... And it rarely gets more serious than this.

Frankly, a lot of guys choose eHarmony after they've been in VERY bad relationships.

I know what that's like. I was one of those people.

The trouble is, when you've been in a bad relationship for a long time... it takes a long time to recover.

I was in a bad marriage for over seven years. To a woman who's emotional needs, ultimately, couldn't be satisfied.

And, lord knows I tried. For those years, my life was totally centered around trying to meet my ex-wife's needs, and trying to keep everything else (my job, my bank accounts, and so forth) from imploding from the strain.

Thanks to therapy, and the people in my life who tried to break through... I was able to finally accept that the relationship could not continue. That it had been making both of us sicker by the day. And that it needed to end.

The trouble is, when you've been in such a horrible relationship for a long time... it takes a long time to recover.

Because your life is so consumed by the bad relationship, you lose track of the things that you enjoy.

You don't have many friends - because "covering up" your relationship problems around them would be impossible. And few friends would put up with the drama.

The family and friends that you may have probably don't know how bad things got. Because you've been covering it up.

Bottom line? You've built some very bad habits.

And when things get this bad, it takes a long time to recover.

And, yes, eHarmony can look like a tempting option. You're having the security of a computer choosing who's "best for you". And you can screen like crazy.

But if your defenses are that high... you're probably deluding yourself if you think you're ready for a relationship.

My advice? If you're out of a relationship that was this bad, it's best to focus on new things.

Reconnect with family and friends. Let them know what happened. And, yes, apologize to them for shutting them out.

Find the things in life that give you joy. If you've been in a bad relationship, it can be hard to find those things. If it is... try a lot of different things. Don't be afraid to drop an activity that seemed like a good idea, but you don't enjoy as much as you've thought.

Join social groups. Get out and meet people. Start having normal friendships.

As far as girlfriends are concerned? Personally, I'd start from my friendships - not eHarmony. Developing connections with strangers is going to be very difficult until you've rebuilt other, healthy relationships.

After all, if all you've known for years is unhealthy drama... You've got to learn how to be normal again.

But, don't worry. It will come with time.