In my "guided communication" advice, I've stressed the need to remain a challenge. And a need to ask questions that will make her think, and work for your approval.
But being a challenge doesn't mean that you need to be hard-nosed, agenda-oriented, or mean. In fact, it's better if you aren't.
"But," you may ask, "I want to ask the hard questions now. It's the best way to get information, right?"
Probably not.
In my last set of open-ended questioning, I learned a lot from my most recent match. That she's not that observant. That she's been having pizza cravings, and what places have the best pizza (in her opinion) near her. That she has a doberman and a donkey, what their names are, and what stupid pet trick she'd like to stage with them. And a little bit about her family (even though I didn't ask).
And I've got a lot of things to talk about when I send my first message.
But if I asked "agenda-oriented" questions? She would have probably opened up less. I'd have probably learned that she wants a respectful relationship (doesn't everyone?), and got some generic phrases as to why she's a good relationship partner. I know - because I used to ask these questions a lot.
And, you know what? I get more information, thought, and "try hard" effort when when a woman feels good than when she feels like I'm pushing a relationship at her.
Try it out. And let me know how it works for you.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Take THIS relationship advice!
Hey, if you weren't reading this blog... you might be taking advice from this guy:
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
In your profile? Don't break the fourth wall.
One technique that I've explained in the past is the idea of easing tension about the meetup.
As I've practiced this before, I always did this during my first phone call. Essentially, during the phone call, I let her know that I've met a few women on eHarmony, that "chemistry" doesn't always happen, and that, if it doesn't, she seems like she'd make a good friend.
Recently, I experimented with placing statements like this in my profile.
Unfortunately, this experiment did not go well. Response rate went down slightly - although this may have been due to chance.
However, levels of excitement and interest on the phone dropped. Dramatically.
In a way, I used a technique from theater, called "breaking the fourth wall". These are the times, during a movie or theatrical performance, where the actors remind the audience that they're viewing a scripted performance, instead of immersing themselves in the fantasy world of the show.
Used as an occasional, rare, jarring moment - it can be effective. If you use it too much, though, you miss the point of going to the show - which was to immerse yourself in the writer's world for an hour or two.
And, in retrospect, breaking the fantasy in the profile is doing it much too early.
So, give her the go-ahead. Let her build romantic castles in the sky for awhile. And only break it to release the fear that it may break anyway.
Oh well. That's why I do these experiments. :-)
As I've practiced this before, I always did this during my first phone call. Essentially, during the phone call, I let her know that I've met a few women on eHarmony, that "chemistry" doesn't always happen, and that, if it doesn't, she seems like she'd make a good friend.
Recently, I experimented with placing statements like this in my profile.
Unfortunately, this experiment did not go well. Response rate went down slightly - although this may have been due to chance.
However, levels of excitement and interest on the phone dropped. Dramatically.
In a way, I used a technique from theater, called "breaking the fourth wall". These are the times, during a movie or theatrical performance, where the actors remind the audience that they're viewing a scripted performance, instead of immersing themselves in the fantasy world of the show.
Used as an occasional, rare, jarring moment - it can be effective. If you use it too much, though, you miss the point of going to the show - which was to immerse yourself in the writer's world for an hour or two.
And, in retrospect, breaking the fantasy in the profile is doing it much too early.
So, give her the go-ahead. Let her build romantic castles in the sky for awhile. And only break it to release the fear that it may break anyway.
Oh well. That's why I do these experiments. :-)
Monday, April 28, 2008
Profile page one: Leave her with more questions!
As I've mentioned several times before, the "About me" page needs to convey genuineness, and develop intrigue.
How do you develop intrigue?
By telling someone just enough to develop interest, but leave out the answers to the most interesting questions.
Questions that will make her want to hear more. And bear through the communication process.
Some statements may build ease, but do little to increase intrigue.
Saying, "I like to [X, Y and Z]" are statements. They don't really raise new questions.
Saying, "I'm laid-back, easygoing, and intelligent" doesn't do the job either.
Granted, to certain profile questions, these are the best answers. And you can overdo it with the "intrigue" spice. But you'd be foolish not to sprinkle it in.
Do you have photographs of you doing something interesting? Put up the photo, but resist the urge to describe it in your profile. If it's interesting... she'll ask about it.
Start a few stories. If you're an inventor, convey your excitement about your latest invention... but don't tell them what it is yet. (And, guess what? To boot, you've already told her that you're intelligent and creative. So you don't need to reemphasize it.)
If you've had an interesting experience on your last trip, start the story - but don't finish it. For example, "daring my friend to _____" implies a lot of questions. Did you do it yourself? Did you talk him into doing it? What posessed you to do this in the first place?
You get the idea.
Sprinkle these in. If they're effective, women will ask about them.
And if they don't... experiment. Find out what people want to hear more about.
How do you develop intrigue?
By telling someone just enough to develop interest, but leave out the answers to the most interesting questions.
Questions that will make her want to hear more. And bear through the communication process.
Some statements may build ease, but do little to increase intrigue.
Saying, "I like to [X, Y and Z]" are statements. They don't really raise new questions.
Saying, "I'm laid-back, easygoing, and intelligent" doesn't do the job either.
Granted, to certain profile questions, these are the best answers. And you can overdo it with the "intrigue" spice. But you'd be foolish not to sprinkle it in.
Do you have photographs of you doing something interesting? Put up the photo, but resist the urge to describe it in your profile. If it's interesting... she'll ask about it.
Start a few stories. If you're an inventor, convey your excitement about your latest invention... but don't tell them what it is yet. (And, guess what? To boot, you've already told her that you're intelligent and creative. So you don't need to reemphasize it.)
If you've had an interesting experience on your last trip, start the story - but don't finish it. For example, "daring my friend to _____" implies a lot of questions. Did you do it yourself? Did you talk him into doing it? What posessed you to do this in the first place?
You get the idea.
Sprinkle these in. If they're effective, women will ask about them.
And if they don't... experiment. Find out what people want to hear more about.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Ranting on eHarmony's retractions
Okay, folks. I'm overdue for a political rant...
As eagle-eyed eHarmony watchers will know (and as eHarmony Blog did an excellent job of documenting), the official eHarmony advice site recently published a couple of articles that raised the ire of it's religious right readers.
The first? "Navigating the one-night stand". eHarmony pulled this one quickly after it was published, but, if you want to read it, eHarmony blog cached it here.
The second described fashion tips for when a woman stays the night. Which eHarmony edited to make more palatable to it's conservative religious readers.
When you consider the fact that eHarmony's first publicity blitz focused on word-of-mouth from the Christian right... there was an outrage among this readership when these articles were published. To the point where eHarmony published it's first apology and retraction to it's readers.
I understand eHarmony's position. They hate to lose customers and the good word-of-mouth among the Christian right.
But, I hope they they keep focusing on why they're successful.
It isn't because of a Christian right affiliation. There are plenty of dating websites that affiliate themselves with the Christian right. And, despite this community's activism, doctrinarian right-wing Christians aren't THAT large of an audience. And, frankly, if they have a service that only caters to the religious right - I'm leaving. And, my guess is, so will most of it's membership.
People come to the service because of their core promise. That, when you use their service, you meet people who are "more compatible" than you'll meet elsewhere.
In fact, until this point, it seemed that eHarmony was making progress toward making it's service a little less agenda-oriented. I actually liked the fact that they deemphasized marriage. People became friendlier. Meeting became more casual. Granted, people on eHarmony are probably looking for someone they'd like to marry... but people didn't feel the pressure on the first date that the other person had to be "the one".
Frankly, I hope this trend continues.
As for the articles? Well, I'm not from the religious right. But I didn't object to the articles for moral reasons. I just thought they were stupid.
If someone's looking for a one-night stand, they don't fill out 300 question personality questionnaires, pay $60 a month, and go through a long process of guided communication to get a one-night stand. It's just the wrong audience.
And, frankly, if someone wants a one-night stand, they don't need the advice that eHarmony gave. People aren't looking for advice on etiquette after the one-night stand. Or fashion tips. People who have one-night stands have already figured this stuff out.
Now, as for how to get someone to agree to a one-night stand... that's a topic that a lot of people don't understand.
But one that I won't cover. Not for moral reasons. It's because, frankly, it's outside of this website's mission.
And if you need advice on that, there are a lot of pick-up-artist websites that can help you.
Rant over. Back to the usual on Monday.
As eagle-eyed eHarmony watchers will know (and as eHarmony Blog did an excellent job of documenting), the official eHarmony advice site recently published a couple of articles that raised the ire of it's religious right readers.
The first? "Navigating the one-night stand". eHarmony pulled this one quickly after it was published, but, if you want to read it, eHarmony blog cached it here.
The second described fashion tips for when a woman stays the night. Which eHarmony edited to make more palatable to it's conservative religious readers.
When you consider the fact that eHarmony's first publicity blitz focused on word-of-mouth from the Christian right... there was an outrage among this readership when these articles were published. To the point where eHarmony published it's first apology and retraction to it's readers.
I understand eHarmony's position. They hate to lose customers and the good word-of-mouth among the Christian right.
But, I hope they they keep focusing on why they're successful.
It isn't because of a Christian right affiliation. There are plenty of dating websites that affiliate themselves with the Christian right. And, despite this community's activism, doctrinarian right-wing Christians aren't THAT large of an audience. And, frankly, if they have a service that only caters to the religious right - I'm leaving. And, my guess is, so will most of it's membership.
People come to the service because of their core promise. That, when you use their service, you meet people who are "more compatible" than you'll meet elsewhere.
In fact, until this point, it seemed that eHarmony was making progress toward making it's service a little less agenda-oriented. I actually liked the fact that they deemphasized marriage. People became friendlier. Meeting became more casual. Granted, people on eHarmony are probably looking for someone they'd like to marry... but people didn't feel the pressure on the first date that the other person had to be "the one".
Frankly, I hope this trend continues.
As for the articles? Well, I'm not from the religious right. But I didn't object to the articles for moral reasons. I just thought they were stupid.
If someone's looking for a one-night stand, they don't fill out 300 question personality questionnaires, pay $60 a month, and go through a long process of guided communication to get a one-night stand. It's just the wrong audience.
And, frankly, if someone wants a one-night stand, they don't need the advice that eHarmony gave. People aren't looking for advice on etiquette after the one-night stand. Or fashion tips. People who have one-night stands have already figured this stuff out.
Now, as for how to get someone to agree to a one-night stand... that's a topic that a lot of people don't understand.
But one that I won't cover. Not for moral reasons. It's because, frankly, it's outside of this website's mission.
And if you need advice on that, there are a lot of pick-up-artist websites that can help you.
Rant over. Back to the usual on Monday.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
War Story: Recovery from an email overheat
Continued from yesterday...
It's clear... she's still eager to meet me. But she's feeling unsafe.
Why?
Because we're meeting in a crowded state park? Probably not. In her profile, she says that she hikes a lot. And she's not fearful of the random guys she might run into.
She's in fear because she's "overheated". She's seeing more romantic potential than I had planned. When I mentioned picnic, I was thinking sack lunches, conversation, and some walking of well-trafficked areas. She's thinking isolation, wine, cheese, and losing control.
Her thoughts are scary to her right now - she doesn't know me yet! So, we need to make her comfortable... but not ruin the idealization process that got us this far. So... here's my reply.
Her reply?
Ever-eager for the meetup, she calls on Friday night. I don't answer, but pick up her message on voice mail. Oddly enough, she mentions the strange ethnic style of food that I was going to suggest.
So, if she's mentioning the type of food that I was going to suggest... am I going to lose the idealization opportunity?
Heck no. And it's a mirroring opportunity to boot. I text out:
----------------------
Next morning, I email:
She replies:
And, yes. The date went very well, and led to a 3-month relationship. Unfortunately, some hidden deal-killers kept things from going further... but, certainly, no regrets.
It's clear... she's still eager to meet me. But she's feeling unsafe.
Why?
Because we're meeting in a crowded state park? Probably not. In her profile, she says that she hikes a lot. And she's not fearful of the random guys she might run into.
She's in fear because she's "overheated". She's seeing more romantic potential than I had planned. When I mentioned picnic, I was thinking sack lunches, conversation, and some walking of well-trafficked areas. She's thinking isolation, wine, cheese, and losing control.
Her thoughts are scary to her right now - she doesn't know me yet! So, we need to make her comfortable... but not ruin the idealization process that got us this far. So... here's my reply.
I was figuring that the fall foliage crowds would keep you feeling safe... but I totally understand. (Part of the reason I wanted to avoid restaurants in [City of the park] - they'd probably be mobbed.)Here we go. I'm not saying that I was wrong... I'm just saying that, if she's uncomfortable, I have other places where we can have some fun. And I'm still "leading the way" to the fun.
Anyway, [Town she mentioned] has some things going for it... but [Another town] might be more fun. (The downtown area isn't nearly as fun as [the town I picked]) And I know a couple of good places to eat in [the town I mentioned]...
We'll talk later.
Her reply?
[The city I said] would be great! You name the place. And thanks for understanding. I really appreciate it.
Ever-eager for the meetup, she calls on Friday night. I don't answer, but pick up her message on voice mail. Oddly enough, she mentions the strange ethnic style of food that I was going to suggest.
So, if she's mentioning the type of food that I was going to suggest... am I going to lose the idealization opportunity?
Heck no. And it's a mirroring opportunity to boot. I text out:
LOL - I was going to ask if [ethnicity] would be too weird for you. [Name of restaraunt], 12:00, send u address tomorrow AM.
----------------------
Next morning, I email:
Hey, XXXX!
Don't know if you got my text message... You SO cracked me up - I was going to call and ask if you thought [ethnicity of] food was too weird for you. I guess not. (+5 points)
So, let's meet up at:
[Restaraunt address]
Look forward to meeting you in person!
She replies:
Scott,
Yes, I did - that was awesome. I'm really glad, and I think we're going to have fun. (talks about the local connection to that type of food)
I like to try new things when the opportunity arises. You never know when a rich new experience is going to present itself, and that has given me a very full life. Plus, weird, obscure, offbeat and artsy things are usually interesting.
I'm looking forward to it too...see you tomorrow. :-)
And, yes. The date went very well, and led to a 3-month relationship. Unfortunately, some hidden deal-killers kept things from going further... but, certainly, no regrets.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
War Story: Overheated by email
One recent thread in our Google Group addressed a problem that can often be encountered on eHarmony - communicating with women who, initially seem extremely eager to meet... but then cut off communication suddenly.
There can be a lot of reasons why this might occur. One of the most common?
She gets too excited over email.
And when a woman gets that excited, meeting can become scary.
A few months ago, I managed something similar. Here's how it went.
Starting off? Her guards were way up. She was asking questions that were very premature. And I let her know.
So... This was phase 1, her questions, my answers:
She fast tracked me, I accepted.
Her first message?
(I replied via email, and closed her with the reason, "We're communicating outside of eHarmony")
Obviously, she's ready for a phone call. Foolishly, I waited 48 hours - something that builds tension. Which is what I didn't need to do at this point.
She couldn't wait, and sent another message:
I reply:
She calls (of course). Texts me later in the evening to tell me that she's up until 11. I really was swamped with something else, texted her that I'd call her the next day, she said she understood.
Called the next day. Great phone conversation. (Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered going further... I actually don't like 'em this easy.) Made a date for two weeks at a "halfway" point that I wanted to visit anyway.
Planning the meetup was a little more difficult that I expected. The highlight was being near fall foliage at a state park... but it's also high tourist season, as well. In other words, lunch places would probably be MOBBED, and they weren't good anyway. So, I throw this email out:
Her response:
She later adds:
Hmm... running a little hotter than I expected. Definitely overromanticizing. And definitely "showing off" to impress me.
This is a dangerous place. As I've pointed out, when romantic excitement doesn't balance comfort, women get scared. And they start to get nervous.
I held off contact, knowing this was a possibility. Sure enough, a few days later, this message arrives:
Now, I'm in a tricky situation.
I need to reset the comfort/tension balance.
And I need to stay idealizable.
How do I do it?
We'll continue tomorrow.
There can be a lot of reasons why this might occur. One of the most common?
She gets too excited over email.
And when a woman gets that excited, meeting can become scary.
A few months ago, I managed something similar. Here's how it went.
Starting off? Her guards were way up. She was asking questions that were very premature. And I let her know.
So... This was phase 1, her questions, my answers:
1. How often do you lose your temper? E) Rarely.
2. Which of the following marriage issues do you fear most? B) fear of marrying the wrong person
3. How important is chemistry to you? E) If it isn't there quickly, there's usually a reason...
4. Where do you see yourself living in 15 years? E) Where opportunity knocks.
5. If you were to marry, how many children would be ideal? E) Asking to bear my children already? I do want them, but this is fast...
She fast tracked me, I accepted.
Her first message?
Subj: Clicked on the wrong question!!!I'm not sure I'm buying it. But she's backing off, because she's interested in me. And I'm sure my "alpha"/idealizable response to her questions helped. So, I'll reduce the tension a little bit. But, clearly, being "alpha" is a part of what got me here... abandoning it would be foolish.
Scott,
I have no idea how that question about kids got in there. I'm sorry about that! I just signed up, and I'm sure I was aiming for something else. Please nix that question and forget about until much later.
Thanks for understanding!
XXXX
Subj: RE: Clicked on the wrong question!!!An enthusiastic response...
No worries. Hope you appreciated the joke. :-)
Anyway, looks like we're in open communication now - which is fine with me. It's a much more normal way to talk.
Anyway, a lot of things on your page do seem interesting... but a little serious. What are some of your guilty pleasures?
- Scott (email address)
Subj: More StuffThis caused me to pause. Usually, with a response this enthusiastic, I'm prompting to go to the phone. But, in my mind, it still seemed too fast for a fast track. I went another round - which served to build tension... And show her that I'm beginning to pay attention.
Hi, Scott. Thanks for understanding. And I always like jokes!
We can also go back to formulated questions if you prefer or if you would find it more helpful.
OK, at this point I'm only going to share superficial guilty pleasures. ;-) Despite the genetic predisposition, I avoid guilt if I can help it. But I sure do like pleasure! And that can be a lot of things. I do feel guilty if I nap because there are so many other things I should be doing. And ice cream. I like [regional brand]. And just about anything that pleases the senses.
What strikes you as serious? Some things are serious to me, some not so much.
What game are you watching in that picture? Do you find that people act differently around you because you [what I do for a living]?
You can also email me at: (XXXXX)
(I replied via email, and closed her with the reason, "We're communicating outside of eHarmony")
Subj: Breaking out of eHarmonyOf course, an enthusiastic reply:
Hello, again!
As for [my job]... Some people are intimidated at first. But when they talk for awhile, things usually get normal. Whatever that means. :-)
Hmm... never spent too much time in a city with [local brand] Ice cream. Always hear good things about it, though...
So... what did you do in your last trip to the woods? Find anything interesting? And, for that matter, what brought you into hockey?
Talk later!
Good morning. By the way, I was really impressed that you said "mitzvah" on your page.
Most of my trips in the woods are just about walking and climbing a few hills. [region] has lots and lots of trails with pretty things to look at - rocks, trees, hills, some animals. I haven't been able to go too much the past 3 months, but I'm trying to get my schedule more freed up.
Hockey was kind of an accident. I was at a party and just started talking to the guy who coordinates the local leagues, and he mentioned that it was co-ed. I watched a few games. It looked like so much fun, I had to try it. It's a blast! (I'm very much a beginner, but it's great fun and the people on the team are becoming friends.)
You seem to have a lot of ecletic tastes. What did you spend your time doing this weekend? What game are you watching in your online photo?
Have a great day today.
XXXX
Obviously, she's ready for a phone call. Foolishly, I waited 48 hours - something that builds tension. Which is what I didn't need to do at this point.
She couldn't wait, and sent another message:
I like when i encounter animals like deer and snakes on the trail. That's always fun.
Hockey tonight was a blast. Ends late, though. My coach's team will be playing in [my city] in February.
How was your day?
I reply:
Glad you had a good day... Got lost in cleaning yesterday - getting
ready for a pumpkin-carving party at my place.
Anyway, I've got more cleaning, a lot of meetings, and a few things
with friends this week... I'm probably not going to be able to keep up
with my email very well. I'd still like to talk some more though -
give me a call at (XXX)XXX-XXXX.
Talk later!
She calls (of course). Texts me later in the evening to tell me that she's up until 11. I really was swamped with something else, texted her that I'd call her the next day, she said she understood.
Called the next day. Great phone conversation. (Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered going further... I actually don't like 'em this easy.) Made a date for two weeks at a "halfway" point that I wanted to visit anyway.
Planning the meetup was a little more difficult that I expected. The highlight was being near fall foliage at a state park... but it's also high tourist season, as well. In other words, lunch places would probably be MOBBED, and they weren't good anyway. So, I throw this email out:
Hey, XXX
Unfortunately, the lunch options aren't looking all that good - I've
been to the highest-rated restaurant on TripAdvisor, and thought it
was awful.
So... let's do something a little different. I'll pack some lunches, and we can meet up in [State] Park. I figure the [biggest building] is a good place to meet up... we can probably find a picnic table nearby. You can find directions at [web address]
Anything I need to know about before packing a lunch for you? (Food allergies, etc.)
12:00 sound good? (I realize we're both traveling - someone's likely to be early or late.) :-)
And I'll keep an eye out on weather reports, and let you know if I need to come up with a "bad weather" plan.
Talk later!
Her response:
Oh, wow. This is my dream romantic picnic lunch. Watch out, I'm a sucker for stuff like this. Thanks for asking about the allergies. I don't have any, but I don't eat trayf. (I do mix meat and milk, sorry to say.)
I'll bring some wine and cheese...anything else you can think of?
Here are some pics I took of myself this past sunday. No pressure on the time...when you get there, you get there. And if it rains, we'll figure out something else. Looking forward to it!
She later adds:
oh, here's my car so you can see me drive up. her name is [Name]. (includes picture)
Hmm... running a little hotter than I expected. Definitely overromanticizing. And definitely "showing off" to impress me.
This is a dangerous place. As I've pointed out, when romantic excitement doesn't balance comfort, women get scared. And they start to get nervous.
I held off contact, knowing this was a possibility. Sure enough, a few days later, this message arrives:
Scott,
I'm rather new to the online dating thing, but I think it would be better to meet the first time in a public place like a restaurant, and not in the woods. Let's hook up in [small town]. I found this:
[restaraunt weblink]
Or I'm open to other suggestions. [Nearby small town] might have more to offer than [City with the park].
Sorry about the last minute request for a change. Are you OK with this?
I'll follow up with a phone call, too.
Now, I'm in a tricky situation.
I need to reset the comfort/tension balance.
And I need to stay idealizable.
How do I do it?
We'll continue tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
'tis NOT the eHarmony season...
It's spring. A great time of year.
But, historically, not a great time of year to be on eHarmony. The rumblings on the Google Group are that things are getting tight again, as predicted. And it's been the same for me - it's been a couple of weeks since I've had a new match.
So, why get upset?
If it's slow on eHarmony, think of this as a time to do something else.
Spend some time in the sunshine. Find social groups to join. Pick up new hobbies.
Enjoy your slack time.
Oh, allright. If this has to be about women - I'm sure you'll meet some, if you're out and about.
And, if not... you'll be doing something new. Which means that you'll at least have something new to talk about when you do meet someone.
But, historically, not a great time of year to be on eHarmony. The rumblings on the Google Group are that things are getting tight again, as predicted. And it's been the same for me - it's been a couple of weeks since I've had a new match.
So, why get upset?
If it's slow on eHarmony, think of this as a time to do something else.
Spend some time in the sunshine. Find social groups to join. Pick up new hobbies.
Enjoy your slack time.
Oh, allright. If this has to be about women - I'm sure you'll meet some, if you're out and about.
And, if not... you'll be doing something new. Which means that you'll at least have something new to talk about when you do meet someone.
Monday, April 21, 2008
War story: The REAL eHarmony nightmare...
When it comes down to it, online "dating" is the process of meeting complete strangers. And eHarmony is no exception.
The good thing about meeting strangers is - you meet interesting, new people.
The bad thing about meeting strangers is - you're going to meet some people who might be a little scary.
Some people blame eHarmony for nightmares like this. I don't. If they screened every single person who used the service... no one could use it.
But, when you do use it... you have to be prepared.
So... here's a recent horror story with one of my matches.
Things start pretty routinely. She seemed like an attractive woman, and had an interesting, well-written profile. The first open communication messages fly by... it's all fun.
On the phone - things get kind of tense. Things feel a little off. She seems a lot more guarded than her emails. And, in contrast, seemed really tense.
I gave her the benefit of the doubt - I suppose even some decent women might get "phone jitters" the first time they talk to a guy on eHarmony. I mention meeting up, and she tells me that she's got to leave town for a few weeks. I replied, "That's fine, give me a call when you get back", left the ball in her court... and was ready to meet my next match.
Well, over a week later, she fires off this email...
And, before you get too attached to someone... remember, you she could be leading you into this.
The good thing about meeting strangers is - you meet interesting, new people.
The bad thing about meeting strangers is - you're going to meet some people who might be a little scary.
Some people blame eHarmony for nightmares like this. I don't. If they screened every single person who used the service... no one could use it.
But, when you do use it... you have to be prepared.
So... here's a recent horror story with one of my matches.
Things start pretty routinely. She seemed like an attractive woman, and had an interesting, well-written profile. The first open communication messages fly by... it's all fun.
On the phone - things get kind of tense. Things feel a little off. She seems a lot more guarded than her emails. And, in contrast, seemed really tense.
I gave her the benefit of the doubt - I suppose even some decent women might get "phone jitters" the first time they talk to a guy on eHarmony. I mention meeting up, and she tells me that she's got to leave town for a few weeks. I replied, "That's fine, give me a call when you get back", left the ball in her court... and was ready to meet my next match.
Well, over a week later, she fires off this email...
Happy Passover Scott.
I discovered yesterday, much to my horror, that my ex has been monitoring my computer & telephone activity. Your number was on my cell phone, as well as my computer. He asked about you specifically, unfortunately, because you are the only man I have spoken to (gee - aren't you lucky?). I simply told him that you were a [what I do for a living] I had contacted, and left it at that. In the meantime, I am deleting every email, changing my cell phone & cancelling every other account I can think of. I apologize sincerely for accidentally exposing you to such a thing, he is not violent - merely annoying and very, very, persistent - but I felt that you had a right to know. I am so very sorry.
Sincerely,Consider this a warning, guys. Be careful out there.
[Name withheld]
And, before you get too attached to someone... remember, you she could be leading you into this.
Friday, April 18, 2008
On recovery from a BAD relationship
Time to move to a more serious note... And it rarely gets more serious than this.
Frankly, a lot of guys choose eHarmony after they've been in VERY bad relationships.
I know what that's like. I was one of those people.
The trouble is, when you've been in a bad relationship for a long time... it takes a long time to recover.
I was in a bad marriage for over seven years. To a woman who's emotional needs, ultimately, couldn't be satisfied.
And, lord knows I tried. For those years, my life was totally centered around trying to meet my ex-wife's needs, and trying to keep everything else (my job, my bank accounts, and so forth) from imploding from the strain.
Thanks to therapy, and the people in my life who tried to break through... I was able to finally accept that the relationship could not continue. That it had been making both of us sicker by the day. And that it needed to end.
The trouble is, when you've been in such a horrible relationship for a long time... it takes a long time to recover.
Because your life is so consumed by the bad relationship, you lose track of the things that you enjoy.
You don't have many friends - because "covering up" your relationship problems around them would be impossible. And few friends would put up with the drama.
The family and friends that you may have probably don't know how bad things got. Because you've been covering it up.
Bottom line? You've built some very bad habits.
And when things get this bad, it takes a long time to recover.
And, yes, eHarmony can look like a tempting option. You're having the security of a computer choosing who's "best for you". And you can screen like crazy.
But if your defenses are that high... you're probably deluding yourself if you think you're ready for a relationship.
My advice? If you're out of a relationship that was this bad, it's best to focus on new things.
Reconnect with family and friends. Let them know what happened. And, yes, apologize to them for shutting them out.
Find the things in life that give you joy. If you've been in a bad relationship, it can be hard to find those things. If it is... try a lot of different things. Don't be afraid to drop an activity that seemed like a good idea, but you don't enjoy as much as you've thought.
Join social groups. Get out and meet people. Start having normal friendships.
As far as girlfriends are concerned? Personally, I'd start from my friendships - not eHarmony. Developing connections with strangers is going to be very difficult until you've rebuilt other, healthy relationships.
After all, if all you've known for years is unhealthy drama... You've got to learn how to be normal again.
But, don't worry. It will come with time.
Frankly, a lot of guys choose eHarmony after they've been in VERY bad relationships.
I know what that's like. I was one of those people.
The trouble is, when you've been in a bad relationship for a long time... it takes a long time to recover.
I was in a bad marriage for over seven years. To a woman who's emotional needs, ultimately, couldn't be satisfied.
And, lord knows I tried. For those years, my life was totally centered around trying to meet my ex-wife's needs, and trying to keep everything else (my job, my bank accounts, and so forth) from imploding from the strain.
Thanks to therapy, and the people in my life who tried to break through... I was able to finally accept that the relationship could not continue. That it had been making both of us sicker by the day. And that it needed to end.
The trouble is, when you've been in such a horrible relationship for a long time... it takes a long time to recover.
Because your life is so consumed by the bad relationship, you lose track of the things that you enjoy.
You don't have many friends - because "covering up" your relationship problems around them would be impossible. And few friends would put up with the drama.
The family and friends that you may have probably don't know how bad things got. Because you've been covering it up.
Bottom line? You've built some very bad habits.
And when things get this bad, it takes a long time to recover.
And, yes, eHarmony can look like a tempting option. You're having the security of a computer choosing who's "best for you". And you can screen like crazy.
But if your defenses are that high... you're probably deluding yourself if you think you're ready for a relationship.
My advice? If you're out of a relationship that was this bad, it's best to focus on new things.
Reconnect with family and friends. Let them know what happened. And, yes, apologize to them for shutting them out.
Find the things in life that give you joy. If you've been in a bad relationship, it can be hard to find those things. If it is... try a lot of different things. Don't be afraid to drop an activity that seemed like a good idea, but you don't enjoy as much as you've thought.
Join social groups. Get out and meet people. Start having normal friendships.
As far as girlfriends are concerned? Personally, I'd start from my friendships - not eHarmony. Developing connections with strangers is going to be very difficult until you've rebuilt other, healthy relationships.
After all, if all you've known for years is unhealthy drama... You've got to learn how to be normal again.
But, don't worry. It will come with time.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
"Humor" that doesn't work online
As I've pointed out yesterday, humor can be a useful tool.
But, there are risks.
Humor can display good social skills, but it can also incite anger. Or make you look angry.
Bottom line? When you use humor, make sure that you don't look like you need this:
(Hint: Click on the image to make it bigger)
(The creators of this ad can be found at http://www.sarcasma.net.)
But, there are risks.
Humor can display good social skills, but it can also incite anger. Or make you look angry.
Bottom line? When you use humor, make sure that you don't look like you need this:
(Hint: Click on the image to make it bigger)
(The creators of this ad can be found at http://www.sarcasma.net.)
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
War Story: Teasin' done right.
One common question that people ask when they're new to meeting women online is, "What do you do when someone isn't giving you anything to write about?"
Well, if they're giving me absolutely NOTHING... she probably isn't worth the effort.
But if her effort is waning... sometimes they need a little kick in the pants.
Recently, one woman who had a pretty intriguing profile, and seemed pretty engaged in the guided comminication questioning wrote me a first message that fell flat:
That seemed strange. She seemed pretty expressive before. In spite of the fact that she went by her first initial, rather than her full name.
It's time to take the lead. But, I felt like teasing her a little... Here's my response.
Well, if they're giving me absolutely NOTHING... she probably isn't worth the effort.
But if her effort is waning... sometimes they need a little kick in the pants.
Recently, one woman who had a pretty intriguing profile, and seemed pretty engaged in the guided comminication questioning wrote me a first message that fell flat:
"Hi, Scott! I'm new to this. What do we do now?"
That seemed strange. She seemed pretty expressive before. In spite of the fact that she went by her first initial, rather than her full name.
It's time to take the lead. But, I felt like teasing her a little... Here's my response.
Hi, [First intial] (fill in the rest of your name here)! Nice to meet you.
What do we do now? Good question.
On one hand, you've got an interesting first page. A few things did catch my eye...
And those open-ended questions? Impressive. Very intuitive.
But, then, you write a first message, and don't even say, "Nice to meet you"? Or even tell me your name?
Hee hee... Just teasin'. It's okay. ;-)
Tell 'ya what - if you impress me with your next message, we can try talking on the phone like normal folks.
Need a topic? Here are some ideas - pick and choose, or make up your own:
[questions inserted here]
Hope to hear more from you soon...
- Scott
Yes, she responded pretty enthusiastically.
Don't get me wrong here: This isn't a template that you can copy, paste, and use on everyone. I imagine it would probably cause a lot of blowouts. Items from our earlier interaction made me believe that she'd take it well. I had fun writing it. And I doubt she'll see another message like it.
But, it gives you an idea of how to set someone up for a good teasing.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
A beginner's guide to the seduction community
In my blog, I often refer to the "seduction community". And some people have written me about how they might learn more about it.
It's a good idea. I've focused my blog on eHarmony, transitioning from eHarmony into the first dates, and long-term relationship issues - essentially, topics that seduction artists avoid. Or even discourage the discussion of.
I'm a lucky guy - I can afford to give my advice away. But, most of the leaders of the seduction community rely on their sales. And, frankly, I don't want to deprive hard-working folks of their money.
But, yes, there IS a lot of good stuff out there - and a lot of crap. And it's expensive to buy things that don't work for you.
So, if you're interested in learning "community advice" around a subject that I don't bring up... here's what I'd suggest:
Start with the free materials. There ARE a lot of blogs, listservs, and bulletin boards with free information. And the "free stuff" provides a great introduction. (And, sad to say, many sellers of seduction-related material provide higher-quality stuff in their "giveaways" than they do in their products.)
After listening to the chatter, listen in on the bulletin boards. Different boards do have different tones. And you need to get advice from people who can provide advice that will "work" with your unique personality.
So... read. Can you tell yourself, "You know, some of this might work for me?"
Do the board leaders seem happy, helpful, and successful? Or are they whiney and cutting each other down? Because, frankly, you want to take advice from people who are confident and successful - not bitter.
Once you find a group like this... listen to what materials other people rely on, what they say works, and who recommends these resouces when they don't provide commission-laden-referral links.
Rely on references. Not advertisements. Although many good products come with very slick advertisements and "come-ons", there are plenty of bad products that are just as widely and effectively advertised.
Start there. And, when you find resources that work for you... share 'em on the Google group.
It's a good idea. I've focused my blog on eHarmony, transitioning from eHarmony into the first dates, and long-term relationship issues - essentially, topics that seduction artists avoid. Or even discourage the discussion of.
I'm a lucky guy - I can afford to give my advice away. But, most of the leaders of the seduction community rely on their sales. And, frankly, I don't want to deprive hard-working folks of their money.
But, yes, there IS a lot of good stuff out there - and a lot of crap. And it's expensive to buy things that don't work for you.
So, if you're interested in learning "community advice" around a subject that I don't bring up... here's what I'd suggest:
Start with the free materials. There ARE a lot of blogs, listservs, and bulletin boards with free information. And the "free stuff" provides a great introduction. (And, sad to say, many sellers of seduction-related material provide higher-quality stuff in their "giveaways" than they do in their products.)
After listening to the chatter, listen in on the bulletin boards. Different boards do have different tones. And you need to get advice from people who can provide advice that will "work" with your unique personality.
So... read. Can you tell yourself, "You know, some of this might work for me?"
Do the board leaders seem happy, helpful, and successful? Or are they whiney and cutting each other down? Because, frankly, you want to take advice from people who are confident and successful - not bitter.
Once you find a group like this... listen to what materials other people rely on, what they say works, and who recommends these resouces when they don't provide commission-laden-referral links.
Rely on references. Not advertisements. Although many good products come with very slick advertisements and "come-ons", there are plenty of bad products that are just as widely and effectively advertised.
Start there. And, when you find resources that work for you... share 'em on the Google group.
Monday, April 14, 2008
A spice for that first phone call...
Here's a stock line that I use during the first offline phone call.
This comes just before you mention meeting up.
"You seem pretty normal..."
The good thing about this line? It deflates a lot of tension. (How do I know? Women almost always have a relieved laugh after I say it.)
You're not making a meet-up look like a big deal. You're just a social guy. She doesn't seem like a freak. It's just a way of getting to know each other a little better.
Simple, but effective.
This comes just before you mention meeting up.
"You seem pretty normal..."
The good thing about this line? It deflates a lot of tension. (How do I know? Women almost always have a relieved laugh after I say it.)
You're not making a meet-up look like a big deal. You're just a social guy. She doesn't seem like a freak. It's just a way of getting to know each other a little better.
Simple, but effective.
Friday, April 11, 2008
You don't have to be a robot!
Lately, I've been seeing a lot of letters, chatter, and blog posts around a central theme:
"I don't like a lot of the eHarmony matches that I've been paired with."
To which I reply: Well... duh!
In a way, I suppose it would be nice if a giant computer program could effortlessly match men and women with people they'll like and get along with.
But, human nature doesn't work that way. And even eHarmony never claimed that their matching algorithms predicted romantic chemistry.
It's just giving you a list of people, and stating that, according to it's psychological testing, if you and this person hit it off... you'd have better odds of having a good relationship than if you had drawn a random woman out of thin air.
There are going to be ones that you just won't hit it off with. But, with eHarmony, the odds that we'll get along (at least as friends) do seem a little better to me.
And, in the end, blaming eHarmony for this is like criticizing match.com for listing ugly women. Or blaming the bar for the fact that, after you've struck a conversation with a group of women, the obnoxious one is the one that is trying to monopolize your attention.
If you're not interested in a woman, there's a simple solution - don't approach her.
And, unlike most other venues, when you hit "Close match" on eHarmony, the woman that you don't like goes away. Forever.
You're not a robot. A computer can't tell you who you'll hit it off with.
But it can narrow the field to a more manageable list.
And if you disagree... no one's forcing you to continue your subscription.
"I don't like a lot of the eHarmony matches that I've been paired with."
To which I reply: Well... duh!
In a way, I suppose it would be nice if a giant computer program could effortlessly match men and women with people they'll like and get along with.
But, human nature doesn't work that way. And even eHarmony never claimed that their matching algorithms predicted romantic chemistry.
It's just giving you a list of people, and stating that, according to it's psychological testing, if you and this person hit it off... you'd have better odds of having a good relationship than if you had drawn a random woman out of thin air.
There are going to be ones that you just won't hit it off with. But, with eHarmony, the odds that we'll get along (at least as friends) do seem a little better to me.
And, in the end, blaming eHarmony for this is like criticizing match.com for listing ugly women. Or blaming the bar for the fact that, after you've struck a conversation with a group of women, the obnoxious one is the one that is trying to monopolize your attention.
If you're not interested in a woman, there's a simple solution - don't approach her.
And, unlike most other venues, when you hit "Close match" on eHarmony, the woman that you don't like goes away. Forever.
You're not a robot. A computer can't tell you who you'll hit it off with.
But it can narrow the field to a more manageable list.
And if you disagree... no one's forcing you to continue your subscription.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
An online tip that will HURT you on eHarmony...
One bit of online advice that has hit the "seduction community" is the importance of setting standards in an online profile.
Some seduction gurus suggest "cold-reads". Saying that you're looking for something vaguely positive that most women will agree with. For example, "Someone who has a beautiful energy". Or vague references to being intelligent, or social. Which seem to imply standards... but, when you look closer, you can see that few women will disqualify themselves for being dumb, lazy, or unhappy with their lives.
Others suggest a laundry list of saying that you're "too good" for some of the parasites that hit online dating services. That you're not a sugar-daddy, and that you're not into head games or power plays, and so forth.
You'll notice that I've never suggested doing any of these things.
There's a reason. I've experimented with them. And every time that I've done this, my eHarmony response rate has always went down.
Now, I can't speak to what's effective on other services. And a lot of the guys making these suggestions run pretty rigorous experiments to prove that their advice is correct.
In the end, I've always done best with coming back to what the "About me" section is supposed to do - generate interest. Self-confidence is part of what generates that interest. And self-confident guys don't play with their guards up.
Think about it. You're about to go through guided communication and email. You, and every guy on this service has plenty of opportunities to make a woman qualify.
It's the rare guy that will make this process challenging, fun and social. And I've done a lot better when I've been open to getting to know a person better.
And, yes, I still will make judgements. But I'll judge them after you've learned something, rather than before.
It's different... but it's worked for me.
So, don't set demands in your profile. Just talk about yourself in a cool, casual, and intriguing way.
You'll be implying your standards anyway. And you don't need to be unfriendly about it.
Some seduction gurus suggest "cold-reads". Saying that you're looking for something vaguely positive that most women will agree with. For example, "Someone who has a beautiful energy". Or vague references to being intelligent, or social. Which seem to imply standards... but, when you look closer, you can see that few women will disqualify themselves for being dumb, lazy, or unhappy with their lives.
Others suggest a laundry list of saying that you're "too good" for some of the parasites that hit online dating services. That you're not a sugar-daddy, and that you're not into head games or power plays, and so forth.
You'll notice that I've never suggested doing any of these things.
There's a reason. I've experimented with them. And every time that I've done this, my eHarmony response rate has always went down.
Now, I can't speak to what's effective on other services. And a lot of the guys making these suggestions run pretty rigorous experiments to prove that their advice is correct.
In the end, I've always done best with coming back to what the "About me" section is supposed to do - generate interest. Self-confidence is part of what generates that interest. And self-confident guys don't play with their guards up.
Think about it. You're about to go through guided communication and email. You, and every guy on this service has plenty of opportunities to make a woman qualify.
It's the rare guy that will make this process challenging, fun and social. And I've done a lot better when I've been open to getting to know a person better.
And, yes, I still will make judgements. But I'll judge them after you've learned something, rather than before.
It's different... but it's worked for me.
So, don't set demands in your profile. Just talk about yourself in a cool, casual, and intriguing way.
You'll be implying your standards anyway. And you don't need to be unfriendly about it.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
I miss my wisdom tooth...
Sorry, folks. I've got way too much pain, swelling, and narcotics in my system to write today...
I'll probably feel better tomorrow.
I'll probably feel better tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Icebreakers? Don't waste your time.
Well, folks, it looks like eHarmony just added another new feature: The "Icebreaker".
Again, because it's so new, I don't have data on how to use this new feature yet. But it's very similar to features on other online dating sites, which are often called winks, smiles, teases, or flirts.
Essentially, this gives you the opportunity to send a brief, pre-written note to your match. And, if I understand this correctly, even non-members are allowed to send them.
So, let's take a look at the options that eHarmony gives us.
The vast majority of these options are just general signs of interest. These include:
Bottom line? If you're a guy, and you want to introduce yourself, don't be a wimp. Start communication. Don't waste your time with an icebreaker.
Yes, there are other categories of icebreakers for certain situations. The problem is? There are already better alternatives present within the eHarmony system. These include:
I'd actually use that one.
Again, because it's so new, I don't have data on how to use this new feature yet. But it's very similar to features on other online dating sites, which are often called winks, smiles, teases, or flirts.
Essentially, this gives you the opportunity to send a brief, pre-written note to your match. And, if I understand this correctly, even non-members are allowed to send them.
So, let's take a look at the options that eHarmony gives us.
The vast majority of these options are just general signs of interest. These include:
- Just wanted to say, "Hi!"
- Your profile brought a smile to my face!
- Your profile got my attention... let's chat.
- It seems we live close to each other - let's talk.
- Would you like to chat?
- I'd love to chat!
- Wink!
Bottom line? If you're a guy, and you want to introduce yourself, don't be a wimp. Start communication. Don't waste your time with an icebreaker.
Yes, there are other categories of icebreakers for certain situations. The problem is? There are already better alternatives present within the eHarmony system. These include:
- Great pic... love to see more photos! (In my experience? This is best done in open communication.)
- Your profile caught my attention... would love to see a photo. (Picture nudges work fine.)
- Can't wait to get to know you... are you comfortable using Fast-Track? (Just initiate fast-track. If she has a problem with it, she'll say so. And, frankly, this question practically guarantees that she'll say no, IMHO.)
- I'd prefer to use guided communication. (Again, communicated effectively by declining the fast track, and initiating communication...)
I'd actually use that one.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Rough seas ahead?
Well, folks... it's looking like the competition is about to get a little tougher on eHarmony.
Taking a look at the Quantcast data... it looks like membership has been dropping steadily.
Furthermore, the male/female ratio is becoming a little more even: It's at about 3:2 ratio for women to men. Which is still good - but it used to be 3:1.
And... spring is coming. Which, historically, is a slow time on eHarmony.
Bottom line? It looks like competition for the most desirable women might be fiercer than ever.
So, what can you do about it?
Probably, not that much. Continue to tighten your game.
And don't rely on eHarmony alone.
Taking a look at the Quantcast data... it looks like membership has been dropping steadily.
Furthermore, the male/female ratio is becoming a little more even: It's at about 3:2 ratio for women to men. Which is still good - but it used to be 3:1.
And... spring is coming. Which, historically, is a slow time on eHarmony.
Bottom line? It looks like competition for the most desirable women might be fiercer than ever.
So, what can you do about it?
Probably, not that much. Continue to tighten your game.
And don't rely on eHarmony alone.
Friday, April 4, 2008
When Fast Track (almost) always works...
If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you probably know that I keep my matches on a pretty tight leash. If they don't respond relatively quickly, I close them.
So, yes, once in a rare while (every couple of months, or so), I'll get a woman who sends a "Please reconsider", or, "If you met me..." final message.
I'll usually reopen a woman, if she asks.
And, if she's sending a message like that, it's usually a sign that she's interested.
So... I fast-track. And it's almost never failed. (The only failure was with a 45 year old woman, where I replied, "I don't think there's much relationship potential here... but you seem like you might make an interesting friend. Let me know if you're interested." My guess is she went to sour grapes on that one.)
As for the message? I usually keep it short. Something along the lines of, "Hey ____, glad to see you're back... so what have you been up to?"
She's expressed a lot of interest. Time to make her qualify for mine. :-)
So, yes, once in a rare while (every couple of months, or so), I'll get a woman who sends a "Please reconsider", or, "If you met me..." final message.
I'll usually reopen a woman, if she asks.
And, if she's sending a message like that, it's usually a sign that she's interested.
So... I fast-track. And it's almost never failed. (The only failure was with a 45 year old woman, where I replied, "I don't think there's much relationship potential here... but you seem like you might make an interesting friend. Let me know if you're interested." My guess is she went to sour grapes on that one.)
As for the message? I usually keep it short. Something along the lines of, "Hey ____, glad to see you're back... so what have you been up to?"
She's expressed a lot of interest. Time to make her qualify for mine. :-)
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Oooh... She's getting angry!
Sadly, it's easy for women to take things the wrong way when you communicate by email. And, once in awhile, women will become angry at the things they misinterpret.
So, how do you handle a woman who's becoming angry?
Here's my advice.
Don't write a hasty response
On those rare occasions that you'll get an angry letter, don't be in a hurry to respond.
Wait at least a day. And strongly consider waiting longer.
Think for a minute. If you're a guy who has a lot of women to meet, why do you want to give your time to someone who's acting hostile?
Take a few hours. Relax. And talk to the normal, happy women.
They deserve a lot more attention than the ones with hair-trigger tempers.
If she's over the line, just close.
If she's being abusive or threatening, she deserves no response. Close her. Period. And consider reporting her behavior to eHarmony.
And thank the lucky stars that you didn't actually meet.
Are there lessons to be learned?
Next, you should ask yourself, "Did I do anything to deserve this angry response?"
If it's something that you've done with a lot of other women - probably not.
But if you tried something new... you know not to try it again.
Your new goal: Walk away, and feel good doing it.
Bottom line? Once a woman turns hostile, attempting to meet her will become a futile effort.
And, really, why do you want to meet someone who's angry with you?
Your time is precious. Spend it with the people who are eager to meet you.
If you must express anger, do it through humor.
Maybe she's offended you in some way with her response. And you're resentful.
It's best not to address your anger at all when you respond. Because, when you act angry, you're telling her that her opinion matters.
She's a stranger. And a stranger that's probably nuts. Her opinion shouldn't matter to you.
If you must address her opinion, do it through humor. Exaggerate.
Something along the lines of, "Drat! You've foiled my evil scheme to...", and exaggerate her implication tenfold.
It still lets her know that she's out of line. And that you're at least unhurt enough to make a joke out of it.
Address her wound
Bottom line? If a woman has such a hair-trigger temper, there's usually a reason.
Go ahead and address her wound. Something along the lines of, "Anyway, it seems like you're pretty stressed out. Especially if you're attacking a guy who's just trying to get to know you a little better."
Tell her good-bye, for now
And, finally, yes. You can, and should tell her that you're not going to waste your time with someone who's so hostile.
But, again, you shouldn't give her the benefit of your anger.
I like to close with something along the lines of, "Anyway, you seemed like a (some genuine one-word compliments) woman... it's too bad that we've met when you're in such a bad emotional space. If you ever get back to a place where you're able to (whatever she should have done instead of blow a hissy fit), shoot me an email at _____.
But, no. Don't expect an email.
Ignore any hostile responses
If you write this message, you should feel good. That's the point of writing messages like this. You're not feeding into her anger - you're just quietly giving her hints to help her in the future.
But, some women might not be happy until you're angry. And you might get some more angry invectives.
Ignore them. You've said everything that you need to.
Close and block.
And move on to the women who are eager to talk to you.
So, how do you handle a woman who's becoming angry?
Here's my advice.
Don't write a hasty response
On those rare occasions that you'll get an angry letter, don't be in a hurry to respond.
Wait at least a day. And strongly consider waiting longer.
Think for a minute. If you're a guy who has a lot of women to meet, why do you want to give your time to someone who's acting hostile?
Take a few hours. Relax. And talk to the normal, happy women.
They deserve a lot more attention than the ones with hair-trigger tempers.
If she's over the line, just close.
If she's being abusive or threatening, she deserves no response. Close her. Period. And consider reporting her behavior to eHarmony.
And thank the lucky stars that you didn't actually meet.
Are there lessons to be learned?
Next, you should ask yourself, "Did I do anything to deserve this angry response?"
If it's something that you've done with a lot of other women - probably not.
But if you tried something new... you know not to try it again.
Your new goal: Walk away, and feel good doing it.
Bottom line? Once a woman turns hostile, attempting to meet her will become a futile effort.
And, really, why do you want to meet someone who's angry with you?
Your time is precious. Spend it with the people who are eager to meet you.
If you must express anger, do it through humor.
Maybe she's offended you in some way with her response. And you're resentful.
It's best not to address your anger at all when you respond. Because, when you act angry, you're telling her that her opinion matters.
She's a stranger. And a stranger that's probably nuts. Her opinion shouldn't matter to you.
If you must address her opinion, do it through humor. Exaggerate.
Something along the lines of, "Drat! You've foiled my evil scheme to...", and exaggerate her implication tenfold.
It still lets her know that she's out of line. And that you're at least unhurt enough to make a joke out of it.
Address her wound
Bottom line? If a woman has such a hair-trigger temper, there's usually a reason.
Go ahead and address her wound. Something along the lines of, "Anyway, it seems like you're pretty stressed out. Especially if you're attacking a guy who's just trying to get to know you a little better."
Tell her good-bye, for now
And, finally, yes. You can, and should tell her that you're not going to waste your time with someone who's so hostile.
But, again, you shouldn't give her the benefit of your anger.
I like to close with something along the lines of, "Anyway, you seemed like a (some genuine one-word compliments) woman... it's too bad that we've met when you're in such a bad emotional space. If you ever get back to a place where you're able to (whatever she should have done instead of blow a hissy fit), shoot me an email at _____.
But, no. Don't expect an email.
Ignore any hostile responses
If you write this message, you should feel good. That's the point of writing messages like this. You're not feeding into her anger - you're just quietly giving her hints to help her in the future.
But, some women might not be happy until you're angry. And you might get some more angry invectives.
Ignore them. You've said everything that you need to.
Close and block.
And move on to the women who are eager to talk to you.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
When you ask for help...
When I started the eHarmony Cracked Google Group, I was pleasantly surprised by the enthusiasm and spirit of it's membership.
And, in general, people in the community like to help people who are learning the ropes. And I've been pretty happy with how the community has come to embrace it's new members.
But... sometimes, people ask questions, and wonder why they don't get replies.
When, the truth is, if they got replies, they might have to break the "please be civil" rule.
So, if you're a first time poster... here's some advice.
Show that you've read the information on the blog.
One of the most commonly unanswered questions falls along the lines of, "I've done something completely different from what the blog recommends... what small changes do I need to make?"
Actually, I'm glad that people experiment with ideas that don't come from the blog. And, a lot of times, even I learn new things from my members. And, yes, members do support fellow members who've done spectacularly stupid things...
But, if you don't show that you're even familiar with the information on the blog... most people don't want to go through the effort writing long essays repeating what I've already said.
Yeah, I know. There are a lot of articles. If you're new, I'd start from the earliest articles - those provide the basics.
In general, members are much less likely to answer questions like:
"I've just exchanged 16 messages with a woman, and spent hours on MSN with her, talking about the things we have in common... but I still can't get a date with her."
than,
"I know that Scott tells people to send letter #3 when a woman tells him to go to MSN chat... but I spend a lot of time on the service, and it might be easier than the phone. Has anyone made MSN work for them?"
The second poster demonstrates that he has some grasp of what's been said. People will wonder whether the first poster even bothered to read the blog before asking for help.
And if you disagree with a point on the blog? That's fine. It's good to reexamine topics once in awhile. But you need to show that you're at least familiar with what's been said.
Be specific
People are generous with their time on our group. But that generosity isn't infinite. And people don't like to write book-length essay answers to one-sentence questions.
So, if you ask, "How do I write a good profile?", prepare to be ignored. Or, at best, politely told to click the "Profile building" section, and read in reverse chronological order.
But "profile critiques" are a time-honored tradition on our Google group.
And "How do you think this will work..." questions can also provoke good conversation.
Check the archives
Finally, sometimes you'll have a question that's already been recently answered on the Google Group.
In general, it's best to look through the group, and see if your question's already been answered.
Stick to the topic
In general, eHarmony Cracked provides unique coverage of these topics:
Other topics might generate some discussion in our Google group, and, in general, I don't censor topics unless they're both inflammatory and flagrantly off-topic. (For example, trying to start a heated political discussion.)
But, off-topic questions may not get the highest quality answers. Or people who are interested in carrying the discussion forward.
So, if it doesn't carry? Don't be upset. Outside of the topics that I've listed, there are plenty of other places on the internet. Many of which can provide better answers than our little group.
And, in general, people in the community like to help people who are learning the ropes. And I've been pretty happy with how the community has come to embrace it's new members.
But... sometimes, people ask questions, and wonder why they don't get replies.
When, the truth is, if they got replies, they might have to break the "please be civil" rule.
So, if you're a first time poster... here's some advice.
Show that you've read the information on the blog.
One of the most commonly unanswered questions falls along the lines of, "I've done something completely different from what the blog recommends... what small changes do I need to make?"
Actually, I'm glad that people experiment with ideas that don't come from the blog. And, a lot of times, even I learn new things from my members. And, yes, members do support fellow members who've done spectacularly stupid things...
But, if you don't show that you're even familiar with the information on the blog... most people don't want to go through the effort writing long essays repeating what I've already said.
Yeah, I know. There are a lot of articles. If you're new, I'd start from the earliest articles - those provide the basics.
In general, members are much less likely to answer questions like:
"I've just exchanged 16 messages with a woman, and spent hours on MSN with her, talking about the things we have in common... but I still can't get a date with her."
than,
"I know that Scott tells people to send letter #3 when a woman tells him to go to MSN chat... but I spend a lot of time on the service, and it might be easier than the phone. Has anyone made MSN work for them?"
The second poster demonstrates that he has some grasp of what's been said. People will wonder whether the first poster even bothered to read the blog before asking for help.
And if you disagree with a point on the blog? That's fine. It's good to reexamine topics once in awhile. But you need to show that you're at least familiar with what's been said.
Be specific
People are generous with their time on our group. But that generosity isn't infinite. And people don't like to write book-length essay answers to one-sentence questions.
So, if you ask, "How do I write a good profile?", prepare to be ignored. Or, at best, politely told to click the "Profile building" section, and read in reverse chronological order.
But "profile critiques" are a time-honored tradition on our Google group.
And "How do you think this will work..." questions can also provoke good conversation.
Check the archives
Finally, sometimes you'll have a question that's already been recently answered on the Google Group.
In general, it's best to look through the group, and see if your question's already been answered.
Stick to the topic
In general, eHarmony Cracked provides unique coverage of these topics:
- What things work (and don't work) on eHarmony.
- Transitioning from eHarmony into the first dates.
- Long-term relationships, and integrating PUA techniques into a long-term-relationship friendly frame.
- Discussion of the "Attachment model".
Other topics might generate some discussion in our Google group, and, in general, I don't censor topics unless they're both inflammatory and flagrantly off-topic. (For example, trying to start a heated political discussion.)
But, off-topic questions may not get the highest quality answers. Or people who are interested in carrying the discussion forward.
So, if it doesn't carry? Don't be upset. Outside of the topics that I've listed, there are plenty of other places on the internet. Many of which can provide better answers than our little group.
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