Navigating Phase 0 Attachment

So... You're at phase zero - where both of you are just trying to figure out whether you're even likeable or not.

Good news? This stage can go very quickly. And really doesn't have to be overthought. You either enjoy each other's company... or you don't. Yes, there are PUA "tricks" to navigate this phase, but, in the end, I don't like using them. Why would I want to get closer to someone I'm not really liking?

You're both guarded. You're not really in a relationship yet. Nor should you act that way.

The first date? Should be an activity where you're going to have fun. It should be a test for her - to see if she'll enjoy the same things you do. And you should spend no more money than you would for an afternoon's entertainment. So little, in fact, that you don't feel like you've wasted money, if the date doesn't go well.

Establishing touch? It's a gambit at this point. On one hand, you show that you're warm and comfortable with touch. On the other hand, it keeps your touch from being "special" or "earned" by something she did. She considers your casual touch to be something that's given to anyone. This can be both a good and bad thing. Personally, I wait before giving anything more than a friendly smile and handshake. But I know many others who don't.

Discussion of "relationship topics"? Premature at this point - you don't even know if you like each other yet, much less whether you want to get into a relationship! Don't bring them up. If she brings them up, be cocky and funny in a way that implies that she's going way too fast, or asks if she's really ready for what she's asking about. (Not that answering the question is out of the question - but she should be put in her place before answering.)

When do you know when you've navigated this phase? If she starts talking about thing she'd like to do. Or she agrees to switch to another venue. Or talks about spending more time, or having another date.

But, if you're not having a good time... cut it short. Don't try to attract people who you aren't having any fun with. It's just silly to spend more time with someone who's like that.

Phase 1 is next - another mild milestone...

Attachment Phase 0: Do We Enjoy Each Other's Company?

(Note: This model is in development, and carries "Fresh from the lab" status. Further refinements are likely.)

Okay, so you realize, now, that people usually don't instantly go from, "I don't know you" to "I want to be in a relationship with you".

And, yes, pushing a relationship too early can cause bad things to happen. It makes you look like you want a relationship with anyone, and that she should just give that to you without knowing you. And it makes her feel uncomfortable.

So, where does a relationship start? And how does it progress?

I haven't found any good models so far. So, in my experience (which may not be so great - after all, I'm not in a happy marriage), I'll try to build one. And, as time goes on, I'm sure it will be fine-tuned, by myself and the eHarmony Cracked community.

Let's start in the beginning. She's at least interested enough to agree to meet you on a date.

What happens in the very beginning, as far as attachment is concerned?

You don't know each other yet. There's almost no attachment, and no real reason to see attachment occurring yet.

In fact, you don't even know whether you'll enjoy each other's company. So, the first step on the journey is to figure that piece out.

Basically - can you have an enjoyable date with her?

Do you have enough in common to have a good time doing something together?

Is she so uptight (or unattracted) that she can't even flirt with you?

Basically, this would be the "starting point" for all of the seduction models. Tons have been written about how to get someone to like you. And I can't repeat all the methods that the seduction gurus expound.

Find what's right for you.

And have fun. Because, if you can't... she's not passing your test.

She's ambivalent... Why the heck aren't you?

Yesterday, I talked about one of the biggest killers of early relationships.

Most women, when they're first talking about starting a relationship? They're ambivalent.

But when a guy sees this ambivalence, and pushes even harder for the relationship that he desires... it's a sure ticket to, "You're a great guy, but I'm not ready for a relationship" town.

So, what what do you do about this?

You really need to stop pushing for the relationship.

I hate to say this, but if she's ambivalent, and you're pushing a relationship after one date... she's got the healthier attitude.

Why are you so all-fired sure that you want a relationship with this woman after a few hours?

Do you even know this woman?

For chrissake - she's on "first date" behavior. You won't even see what she's really like until months pass.

So, cool your jets. Enjoy the date.

And wait for her to prove herself worthy of a relationship.

Make her convince you.

So, how do you move from mutual, healthy ambivalence to a relationship?

More to come...

She doesn't want a relationship? Is she nuts?

One of the things I'm noticing on our one year anniversary is that our readers are facing different struggles than they faced a year ago.

A year ago? The most common complaint was, "I can't get the date."

Now? The most common problem seems to be in the transition from "first dates" to "a relationship".

In some ways, I'm pretty happy about this. It means that people are benefiting from the advice I've given on the online portion of the game.

The bad news? Now we've got another layer of problems.

So, let's go after this layer.

How does this "sticking point" usually manifest itself?

It comes when you've piqued her interest enough in order to get the date. You meet. You have a decent time, you find things that you have in common.

But she starts to freak out about being "in a relationship" with you.

Is she NUTS?

Maybe. But a little nuttiness is to be expected from most women.

In fact, I prefer not to call it "being nuts". I call it ambivalence.

The fact is, if you're on a date (or a few dates) and having a good time, she's seeing some possibilities, if she's at all relationship-minded.

But she's still not sure. She's certainly not ready to think about things like moving in, marriage, children, and so forth. Not after one or two dates. Probably not after months.

The biggest trouble? When you take an ambivalent woman, and you combine that with a man who's infatuated and implying, "I really want this to be forever"... most normal women will freak.

So, how do you reduce healthy freakouts?

I'll talk about that in the next few articles.

Happy Birthday, eHarmony Cracked!

Wow.

This blog is having it's first birthday tomorrow.

And, let me tell you, folks. It's been a wild, and unexpected ride.

Let's take a quick look at how we've started, and where we are today...

When this blog was started, it was meant to be a gift to the pickup artist community. A little secret to be shared between trusted friends. An evolutionary adjustment of technique to adapt to a different method of communication.

Well, the "little secret group" lasted less than a month, after one of our more enthusiastic members began a (small) publicity campaign.

And started a chain reaction of events that I would have never predicted.

The most obvious change? Our membership itself. From a secret cabal of less than 25 invited members, we've grown to a readership of over 2000 unique readers monthly. And we expect to pass the 3000 unique readers benchmark in January.

Aside from our numbers, Quantcast.com paints an interesting picture of us. Here's what I know about you:

• Despite being written from a man's perspective... 45% of our readers are women. And, although I could joke about how interesting it is that women want to read advice on how to pick up other women, they've made our community much more interesting. (And, yes, I've been told that a few people have went around eHarmony and met each other through our Google Group...)
• You're a lot more successful than the average eHarmony (or advice.eharmony.com) user - at least financially. 29% of you make over $100,000 a year, and 60% of you make over $60,000 yearly. And you're also more educated than the average advice.eharmony.com user. Bottom line? People who've been successful in their lives choose my advice over eHarmony's. And that's flattering.
  
• On the down side? A little ethnic diversity would be nice. My readership is 92% cauccasian. If anyone has ideas on how I could make my writing or our group a little more relevant to other cultures... please let me know.

So, how are you doing? It's difficult to say. I get a lot of letters thanking me for what I've done, and quite a few letters telling me about improvements they've made. Perhaps more importantly, I'm seeing a lot of men, previously describing themselves as being "frustrated" with the service becoming happier and more self-confident.

Oh... and eHarmony's made some changes, too. One wise man described the process of change as going in three steps:

• "That's not true."
• "That may be true, but it's not relevant."
• "That's true, but we already knew that."

Before this blog started?

• eHarmony's radio ads trumpeted that you don't have to worry about what you write in your profile.
• They suggested that they were the only certain way for someone to meet the love of their lives.
• Suggested that the solution - for everyone - was to find the "right person", and that the "packaging" should be irrelevant. And that if anyone was doing badly, they just needed more patience.
  

Since that time?

• eHarmony wrote one article saying that pickup technique (particularly the concept of the "avatar") was effective, but deemphasized it's relevance for "relationship-minded" people.
• ... but, soon after writing that article, incorporated the core avatar principle in another article - that a profile can not be a complete statement about who a person is, and that one should be mindful about the initial impression their profile makes.
• They've stopped discouraging people from looking for people outside of the eHarmony service. Advertising started centering around finding someone "you'll love", and less about marriage. And they've even tested ads where they're just promising a good date.

Can I say that these changes were because of my blog? I can't say. But it's an interesting coincidence.

Anyway... thanks for a great year, folks.

Can't wait to see what happens this year.

A One-Day Experiment

Okay, guys. I'm going to hit a touchy subject today. At least for a lot of you.

But don't worry. I'm not going to force you to make a big change today. I don't think I can do that.

But I'd like you to try something a little different for just one afternoon this weekend.

And if you don't like it... you can go back to the way you did things before.

Are you ready?

Okay, pick a free afternoon this weekend.

Got your weekend afternoon picked out? Good.

Get a good night's sleep the day before.

That day, when you take a shower, pay more attention to your grooming than usual. Scrub yourself with a washcloth. Do what you need to do to fix your hair nicely. (If you can go to the barber the day before, it will help.) Spend extra attention on your shaving. Tweeze your eyebrows, ears, and nose. Trim your nails.

Find the best clothes you have. Most guys have one good suit for special occasions. That will be perfect. Make sure it's clean and well-pressed. (And if it needs retailoring, doing this in advance will help.) Wear matching socks. Wear your best shoes, and shine 'em.

Are you looking your best? Good.

Now, go to the mall.

If your experience is anything like mine, you'll notice a big difference right away.

When you go into a shop, salespeople will be much more attentive.

If you initiate conversation with people, they'll pay a lot more attention to you.

And, yes, women's body language will change significantly when you try to talk to them.

Bottom line? When you groom and dress yourself, people treat you a lot differently than when you don't.

And, if you're like me... you'll like the changes.

And you may decide to work on your appearance a little more.

Trust me, it helps.

I know, I know. You're the same person, no matter how you're dressed. It seems unfair that people would treat you differently because of your looks. And, maybe you feel comfortable in your own grooming or dressing pattern. I know that I did.

But, in the end, life is so much easier when you dress well.

And, if you don't believe that... just try it for one day.

What are you looking for?

Another frequently-emailed question that I receive are variants of the same question:

"I'm looking for a serious relationship on eHarmony. When should I say this?"

"I'm not sure if I want a serious relationship, but the people who subscribe to eHarmony can be really serious. When should I let people know?"

I haven't really done much experimentation with how to reveal what I'm looking for in a relationship. I pretty much started with what I'm doing now, and never really looked for another way. But, I can talk about what I do.

The first question you should ask yourself is, "Why is this information important"?

If you approached a lot of women out of the blue, saying, "Hey, I want to have a wife and kids - how about you?", or "Hey, babe, I'm only interested in a physical relationship", most women will think you're a little strange.

It's like going to an auto dealership, with a salesman who insists that you buy a car right now at an "amazingly low price", even though you don't know anything about the car that you're buying.

If you're going to come to a discussion about "terms of payment", you have to be interested in the product first. Because, if you don't show interest, a discussion about the "deal" you're willing to make... it just seems strange.

So, no. I'm just answering Dr. Warren's profile questions in a manner that will generate interest. Except for my brief answer for the quality I'm most looking for (which isn't the willingness to settle down - that's common and easy to find), I don't talk about what I'm looking for at all.

It's up to her to show interest.

And, yes, if she asks me what I'm looking for in communication, I'll answer. There's no reason to hide that information. (And I'm happy that she's interested enough to ask.)

So, if she doesn't mention it, when do I?

I'll do it on the phone.

As I've mentioned, one of my favorite phone questions is, "So... what made you decide to start on eHarmony?"

Yes, it puts her on the defensive a little. She has to say why she's not a social reject who can only find guys online. She'll usually respond with what she's looking for, and how she sees eHarmony as helping that.

Reciprocate. At this point, passing each other's tests feels good. And you've at least introduced the subject to see if you're at least (generally) looking for the same things.

One final note? If you aren't looking for a serious relationship... there are a lot of women (who are) that assume that men are. And they can get angry when they hear that they've wasted communication time with a guy who isn't looking for a serious relationship.

If you care about this (and you may not), then I'd put what you're looking for in the profile.