Building your virtual weekend

Staying on the theme of why it's important not to make your profile a list of your qualifications... Another spot where men tend to make this mistake is when eHarmony asks you to describe how you spend your spare time.

This is a point where most men provide a sterile and somewhat random list of "things they like to do". Essentially, trying to provide a huge list that a woman might find something in common with.

Again, better profiles don't seek approval. They draw a woman into understanding what it might be like to spend time with you.

For example, a typical profile might read, "I like to go to movies, hang around with friends, ride my Harley-Davidson, and play cards."

A better way? "The perfect weekend for me would be out on the road on my Harley, taking in the feeling as the wind rushes by and the highway unfolds. To top it off, I'd meet up with my other buddies at [the name of an out of the way bar] - folks that I've known for so long, we complete each other's sentences."

Again, there's no sense that he's seeking approval. He's describing how he likes to spend his weekend. And, if a woman's sharp, she'll have lots of questions to ask - about his friends, and places he's been.

We'll bring this into the first few dates next week...

A new type of coupon code?

It looks like eHarmony has created a new type of coupon code.

In the past, eHarmony only offered coupon codes for expired and new members.

Well, on your left, you'll notice a new coupon code for active members only.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Bringing Passion to your Passion

As I've observed in our last article, a lot of men treat their profile like a resume. They write their "qualifications", and ask women if they're acceptable enough to interview.

Unfortunately, it's a frame of reference that usually fails to attract women.

In my hands, the most successful profiles don't provide a sterile list of qualifications.

Instead, they begin to draw women into an emotional experience.

And when women are drawn into that emotional experience... they usually want it to continue.

Fortunately for us, eHarmony profiles begin with a golden opportunity to draw women into the richness of our emotional worlds. By asking us, "What are you most passionate about?"

And, fortunately for us... most writers fall back into "resume" mode.

Let me give you an example.

Many of our readers have become successful at their jobs, and are justifiably proud of them. However, saying something like, "Right now, I'm focused on building my law practice."

I don't see much emotion or passion there.

Now, if he expanded that a little bit, there's some emotional richness. For example, "While I was a clerk in law school, I began to hear the horrific stories of clients who were seeking political refugee status. After hearing how these people were treated, I couldn't help but to dedicate my career to helping them build safe lives in the U.S."

Now, we've opened a door. If the woman has any sense of curiosity or compassion, she'll want to hear some of these stories. And more about what he does.

And now... there's a door to the interesting, and fulfilling emotional experience that most profiles don't provide. And you haven't provided a woman with a sense of, "I've worked hard in my career, so now you owe me."

More tomorrow.

What happens when you list your accomplishments?

One problem with a lot of men's eHarmony profiles is that they look a lot like resumes.

They list accomplishments.

In the "What are you passionate about", they take a moment to brag about something they did. Or provide a list of things that they do.

When they're asked, "What do you like to do", they give sterile lists of things that they're able to do.

This is okay (to some extent), when you're looking for a job. You want to demonstrate that you're qualified to fill the position.

But, you're not looking for a job... it's an approach that comes off a little strangely.

Frankly, why are you seeking the approval of strangers?

Why do you need to make anonymous women find your accomplishments acceptable?

And, if you're this hungry for approval before you meet her (or during the date), what are you going to be like in a relationship?

An ever-hungry, approval-seeking leech?

That's unattractive, to say the very least.

"But, if I'm not going to list my accomplishments in my profile, or on my date, what do I do instead?"

Let's talk about that tomorrow.

What's the opposite of a bribe?

For a long time now, I've been telling guys one important thing - on eHarmony (and in life), you attract women by being who you are, not on what you give her.

In fact, "bribes" are actually counterproductive. If it's a particularly attractive bribe, a woman might take it. But she'll attribute any good feelings she has to the bribe - not you.

Recently, in fact, I've found an article about a company that uses bribes in a different way.

After the first week of training... they offer their new employees $1000 to quit the job now.

They say that it's because they only want to keep people who are dedicated to the company, and to what they've learned in the week of training.

But, in my humble opinion - it's a brilliant psychological technique.

You see, for even for their lowest-paid employees, quitting the job (and taking the $1000) would give them a week and a half of pay. It's unlikely that they'd find another good job that quickly.

But when they stay? They remember that, to keep the job, they turned away the $1000 bribe.

And my guess is they justify this by telling themselves that the job, itself, has value.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I don't think that offering women bribes to stay away would be practical.

But when a woman starts to have good feelings when she's with you, and you haven't spent money on gifts or fancy evenings out... you've only given them one reason to have those feelings.

It's because you're a heck of a guy.

Be the hero - not the sidekick.

Life is tough for the superhero sidekicks of the world.

They face the same dangers as the heroes. In fact, they face even more danger.

Superman and Captain America don't get hurt when a random thug fires a gun at them. But Jimmy Olsen and Bucky Barnes are oh-so vulnerable to these humdrum attacks.

But the sidekick still plays his role. Providing support. Steady companionship. Friendship. Counsel.

So, when women see the hero and the sidekick together... who do they swoon for?

They always chase the hero, don't they?

"Okay", you may ask, "What's the point of all of this so far? Why are you talking about superhero sidekicks on an eHarmony advice blog?"

The answer is simple.

A lot of guys, when they decide to write their profile, describe their best qualities in a way that makes them look like sidekick material.

They're "faithful friends". But they don't lead.

They're "laid back", and "go with the flow" of the superhero's lead.

And they'll do anything for their friend.

... and then, they wonder why the women are paying attention to the superheroes.

Stop wondering. The "sidekick" role does not work on eHarmony.

Be the hero. Not the sidekick.

P.S. If you don't understand why women don't go for the sidekicks... you really need to read (or reread) my welcome package.

Give quality guys a REASON to talk!

Okay, if you're an attractive woman, you don't have to work very hard on the text of your eHarmony profile.

Quite frankly, if you're attractive, a lot of guys will turn to mush at the chance to communicate with you.

But, if you're attractive, you can probably find lots of guys who will do that. And you're probably turning to eHarmony in search of the quality guys.

So, how can you tell, early on, if a guy is really interested in more than your looks?

Sprinkle in a few interesting things in your profile. Things that a guy will want to ask more about, if he wants to get to know you better.

Why is this so important?

First of all... quality guys don't have trouble getting attractive women to talk to them. And to get their attention, you'll need more than pretty pictures. They want someone that they might connect with.

And if a guy is asking questions... that's a good sign of a quality guy. Because a lot of the love-struck lesser beings stop paying attention when they see your picture.