The eHarmony Cracked Prime Directive

Sometimes, it's good to hear what other people think you're saying.

And, although you've repeated a point many times in your articles... some people can still focus on technique, and miss the fact that I've repeatedly pointed out an important central message.

So, let's try emphasizing that central message even further.

In fact, it's so central, that I'm referring to it as "The eHarmony Cracked Prime Directive".

It is this:

The goal of any interaction is to promote the long-term happiness of yourself, and the person that you are interacting with.

So, yes, I whole-heartedly agree. Idealization, mirroring, and twinship (and, in fact, any of the suggestions that I make on this blog) are potential tools that can be used toward achieving this goal. And should not be considered goals in and of themselves.

So, no. You shouldn't try to be "someone else" in an attempt to be idealizable.

You shouldn't try to provide mirroring for things that you can't reflect.

And, no, you shouldn't pretend to provide twinship.

Trying to fake these things, in the long run, violates our prime directive. In fact, it harms both of your chances for long-term happiness.

And, in fact, I repeatedly said this in my original articles.

But... when these things are genuine, it feels good. And you should take advantage of these opportunities, when they arise.

So... thanks for letting me know that I needed to give this point some more emphasis.

Nervous about sex? Relax.

There's good and bad in the pick-up artist literature. And one point where I often disagree with the PUAs is in their dogma that the key to developing a long-term relationship with a woman is by giving her an unbelievable sexual experience.

No, I'm not saying that women don't like to have mind-blowing orgasms. And I'm not saying that mechanical sex advice is worthless. They can be helpful in giving you some confidence if you're nervous about your inexperience.

But mechanical advice is exactly that. Mechanical.

And, when it comes to sex, mechanical advice only goes so far.

The fact is, both of you have unique preferences. Everyone's a little different in what sensations they enjoy. And you'd be a fool not to listen to your partner when she tells (or subtly signals) you what makes her feel good.

And the whole, "If you have great sex, she'll keep you forever" thing? Forget about it. If you look at many pick-up artist's lives, you'll see that mind-blowing sex will maintain a woman's interest for awhile. But not forever.

Because, when it comes down to it, sex is only part of the emotional connection that men and women build together. And, without a human connection, even fantastic raging orgasms can become routine and boring.

And, really, if you start listening to women? They'll tell you that they value their connection with you more than the orgasm itself.

So enjoy your relationship. And don't get so hung up on your sexual performance.

Introducing yourself... over long distances

As many of you know, my search for Jewish women has brought me pretty far away from my home town - most of my matches are a three hour drive.

So, occasionally, I get the question, "How do you manage your matches, with the distances that are involved?"

I haven't tried to answer this question with the same rigor that I test other eHarmony techniques, but here are some things that I think work.

First of all - realize that a lot of women won't be interested in considering you because of the distances involved. You'll get rejected a lot. That's to be expected. Heck, if I was a woman, and I had a lot of prospective guys living closer to me... I probably wouldn't respond to women living three hours away either.

But, as I always say, "There are two types of people out there. Those that will accept the distance, and those that won't. Focus on the ones that will."

If they're responding to my communication... I assume that they've read where I live. And, as far as I'm concerned, doesn't need to be discussed further during email. Again, at this phase, women should be treated with a Phase 0 mindset - that you're still figuring out if you like them or not. You're not ready to consider the "How will we manage the distance as a couple" question yet.

As far as arranging that first date is concerned... I usually like to visit the big city that's three hours away from my home. And I keep up with things that I'd like to go to. That way, when a date crops up, I can casually mention that I was planning to visit in order to catch the event... and casually invite her to meet up before I go to the venue.

On one other occasion, I found a venue between our homes. And, yes, she agreed to meet me halfway. (Actually, somewhat better than halfway for me.) So far, I haven't tried to arrange first meetups in my hometown, because, frankly, I enjoy my trips to the other city. But I've heard of pickup artists who refuse to meet with women outside of their own home cities... and have been successful in making them come over for the meetup.

And, that's how I get through the first date.

And how do I manage a long-distance relationship?

I take it one step at a time. Just like any other relationship.

What NOT to include in your profile

As I've mentioned before, "nerd" topics tend not to do well in profiles.

What's a "nerd" topic?

Well, if it's in this video, it's probably too nerdy. (Even if I think "Happy Days" might work in the "things only my best friends know about me".)

"Cut and Paste" - a growing epidemic

Sometimes, I wish that Google would tell folks, "You really should be ashamed of yourself for asking this."

Unfortunately, one of the most common ways that people discover my website is through a Google search for answers to questions that eHarmony asks on the profile. Or during guided communication.

It is a growing problem - even the Wall Street Journal has written an article about the "copy and paste" phenomenon. (And, while I'm on an honesty kick - Alex pointed this article out to all of us in our Google Group.)

Well... fellow readers know that I'm not a big fan of this approach. And I don't provide copy-and-paste answers.

And I have a couple of reasons for that.

I'll admit - some if my reasons are selfish. My profile works pretty well, and I don't want to have the same profile that uses the same phrases as thousands of others. Don't worry though - you're not missing much. It reflects my personality - but I'm definitely no Shakespeare.

The second reason? Your answers need to reflect you. And, in my experience, honest and confident answers perform much better than any clever, seductive, or witty "cut and paste" phrase.

So... if you're looking for cut-and-paste answers to eHarmony questions... You're going to be disappointed.

But, if you'd like to see what general frameworks are effective on eHarmony... read on. You're in the right place.

Too eager? Try the red flag hunt!

It happens to the best of us... Sometimes, we get too eager about a woman that we don't know very well.

And we know that, when we get like this, we can scare women off.

So, what do you do when you feel like this?

One exercise that I sometimes try is, "The red flag hunt."

Basically, I ask myself, "What's WRONG with this woman? If she WERE such a prize, why would she need to go online to meet decent guys?"

And, usually, if you look hard enough... you can start to see reasons.

Statements that seem like they could be dishonest.

Contradictions between how she describes herself, and the way she behaves.

Things that make you go, "Hmmm...."

With practice, this exercise becomes second-nature.

And, after this exercise, you'll usually find yourself a little more suspicious.

You'll want to learn more about her before going further.

... In other words, you'll be acting like you should act towards a woman that you don't know well.

Like a guy who's trying to have some fun while getting to know someone better.

Getting to know the "Warrior Woman"

As your results on eHarmony improve, you'll start noticing when (and where) to make small changes to get better results with certain women.

One common type of woman that may take a little adjustment is, what seduction Guru Dr. Paul calls "The warrior".

"Warrior women", in his scheme, are accomplishment-oriented. And they relish relationships with people who respect their accomplishments.

They can be great girlfriends. On a whole, they tend to be "earthy", accomplished, bright, and results-oriented. They're direct - you won't have to play head games with them to get their real opinions on things. And, because they're accomplishment-oriented, they often enjoy and relate to "guy stuff" that other women have difficulty understanding.

But, like stereotypical warriors, they can be a bit touchy. Quick to go to war. Because warriors like to feel powerful, and in command of their destinies.

And, because of this, some guys don't like warriors. Which is fine. But a lot of guys do.

So, how can you avoid going to war against the warrior?

Here are some pointers:

A good "first sign" that you might be dealing with a warrior? She talks about some accomplishment on your profile that she respects. She then starts bragging about her accomplishments. Consider this a sign of interest. She's unlikely to emotionally gush.

Warriors like to be their own leaders, and fight people who they see as trying to control them. Idealization can still take place though - warriors still admire strong, confident men. And they value these men as companions. But not authorities. So you'll need to back off the "dominance" stuff. Because, with a warrior, you don't want to fight for dominance.

If a fight is starting - back off. Work on your mirroring and twinship. Keep giving her the message, "I respect your uniqueness and passion." Unless you're dealing with a deal-breaker, agree to respectfully disagree. Don't fight.

And, In general, mirroring and twinship are much better tools for developing a relationship with a warrior. You want to be idealizable enough to be respected... but she values understanding and respect (and, occasionally, alternative perspectives) from the man that she respects.