A lot of guys, despite my advice, just can't seem to get themselves out of a failure spiral - that self-perpetuating cycle where guys feel that they are doing badly, try even harder to get women's attention, do worse... and so forth.
First of all, take a breath. And take stock of your successes.
Did you get any dates from your eHarmony experience?
If so, it's not a failure. According to most surveys of "online dating" subscribers, most people who subscribe to these services don't even land one date. So... if you even landed one, you did better than most. And, if you didn't... well, that makes you normal.
But the biggest problem you're facing? It's the pressure. The internal need to be "successful", or whatever that means to you. And that attitude will hurt your ability to meet people on eHarmony.
And if you just can't get over that feeling... it may be time for a break.
But, if you take a break - make it a total break. Stop trying to meet women.
Make yourself a social calendar. Try to find something fun to do every day. And do it for you. Not to meet women.
Try picking up a few new interests. You may like them, or you may not. Just try them.
Treat yourself well. Eat food that you enjoy - not just food that you choke down. Buy yourself nice clothes. Consider working out - People feel better when they work out regularly.
And just try to build an active social life.
Yes, if you do this, you'll run into women.
That's fine. Just talk to them like normal people. Don't try to get anything from them other than conversation. (And if they don't want to talk to you? That's fine. Leave 'em alone.)
When five women want to meet with you (romantically or not) outside of the situation where you've met... you're probably in the right frame of mind to return to the dating field.
Sure... there are lots of "programs" to meet women. Other online services. Singles groups. Speed-dating. I could name a million of them.
But none of these will solve the "gotta-have-it's".
And when you've got the attitude of needy desperation... it's extremely hard to attract healthy people.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
When you're NOT a hottie...
Yes, I know. There are a lot of readers who have little sympathy for the problems that I've shared yesterday.
Their looks are not 8's. Or even 6's.
I know how difficult that can be. During my early days on eHarmony, I used pictures that (later) were tested on Hot or Not as 5's and below.
Yes, it was a pretty dismal start. And, yes, most matches would close me because of "Other", or "Because the chemistry isn't there."
The best way to fix this problem? Do a style makeover. Male attractiveness depends much more upon style, grooming, and hygiene than anything else. My appearance improved tremendously when I started to take better care of myself, and tried taking a few risks with my personal style.
But, for some guys, it may not be possible. I imagine that some guys have been disfigured by a shotgun blast to the face. Or they've been involved in a train wreck, and they've needed 18 surgeries to be able to drink from a straw again.
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. But, perhaps, for some readers, improving your looks to a 6 or 7 (a 7 will give you better results, in my experience) may not be possible.
I can't say that I've had personal experience in turning results around when I rated less than a 6. However, after listening to other forums and our own Google group, there have been a few strategies suggested to mitigate the problem.
The first strategy? Put the pictures up anyway. Accept the rejections. A lot of women are closed-minded to meeting people they don't consider good-looking. Let 'em close. At least you'll be spending your energy on the people who will want to meet with you.
Another strategy that's emerged... is the opposite.
Have pictures available. But don't show them until they ask for 'em in open communication.
If they give you a picture nudge? That's fine. People following this strategy ignore picture nudges.
In a way, this strategy makes sense. Some women will reject a guy who isn't providing photos... but these were unlikely to be accepting the photos that he'd be able to provide, anyway. And when a woman has put some effort into maintaining communication with a guy, she's less likely to reject him quickly.
Which strategy do you prefer? It depends on your beliefs, and the efforts that you're willing to make.
But, unfortunately, even online, looks do make a difference.
I wish that wasn't true. But, my experience says otherwise.
Their looks are not 8's. Or even 6's.
I know how difficult that can be. During my early days on eHarmony, I used pictures that (later) were tested on Hot or Not as 5's and below.
Yes, it was a pretty dismal start. And, yes, most matches would close me because of "Other", or "Because the chemistry isn't there."
The best way to fix this problem? Do a style makeover. Male attractiveness depends much more upon style, grooming, and hygiene than anything else. My appearance improved tremendously when I started to take better care of myself, and tried taking a few risks with my personal style.
But, for some guys, it may not be possible. I imagine that some guys have been disfigured by a shotgun blast to the face. Or they've been involved in a train wreck, and they've needed 18 surgeries to be able to drink from a straw again.
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. But, perhaps, for some readers, improving your looks to a 6 or 7 (a 7 will give you better results, in my experience) may not be possible.
I can't say that I've had personal experience in turning results around when I rated less than a 6. However, after listening to other forums and our own Google group, there have been a few strategies suggested to mitigate the problem.
The first strategy? Put the pictures up anyway. Accept the rejections. A lot of women are closed-minded to meeting people they don't consider good-looking. Let 'em close. At least you'll be spending your energy on the people who will want to meet with you.
Another strategy that's emerged... is the opposite.
Have pictures available. But don't show them until they ask for 'em in open communication.
If they give you a picture nudge? That's fine. People following this strategy ignore picture nudges.
In a way, this strategy makes sense. Some women will reject a guy who isn't providing photos... but these were unlikely to be accepting the photos that he'd be able to provide, anyway. And when a woman has put some effort into maintaining communication with a guy, she's less likely to reject him quickly.
Which strategy do you prefer? It depends on your beliefs, and the efforts that you're willing to make.
But, unfortunately, even online, looks do make a difference.
I wish that wasn't true. But, my experience says otherwise.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
When YOU'RE the hottie...
It's been an interesting trip since I've been back on eHarmony.
Faithful readers of my blog have noticed the advice that I give other people in improving their pictures and style. And, yes, I practice what I preach. Even when I'm not on eHarmony.
So, when I returned to the service a month ago, I noticed something different about how women were responding to my usual challenging playfulness.
They just weren't taking it as well as they used to. And I was getting quite a few closures.
"Okay...", I asked myself, "what changed?"
The advertising pitch didn't change.
My profile didn't change.
The things I did to tease 'em didn't change.
My pictures were the only things that changed.
Well, I ran my pictures on Hot or Not. I thought that they were better than the ones I used before, and my friends agreed. But, I wanted to see if that difference was measurable.
It was. Apparently, I'm now an 8+. Before, I struggled to get in the low 7's.
Since that's the only thing that changed... I'm thinking that must be it.
I guess there's a big difference between an OK looking guy teasing a woman... and a good looking guy doing the teasing. It's easier to take it the wrong way when the guy is good-looking, I suppose.
So, yes, I've been recalibrating. Showing just a little more interest. Fluffing them up just a little bit more than I used to.
I'll keep you guys posted on the results.
But, for those guys lucky enough to be in the 8+ range... be careful with the teasing. Women can be fragile, especially when the teasing comes from a hot guy.
Bitten Chick adds:
I love a man who is playful, charming and coy -- and those are some of my favorite personal traits as well. But witty banter can be tricky with someone whom you've just met, especially in the arena of an online dating website where fragile egos and self-confidence issues abound. If you'll forgive the metaphor, think of your matches as unique and mysterious flowers. Some can stand up to a mighty wind and then intoxicate you (poppies, anyone?) and some get their petals knocked askew at the slightest breeze. Women love a strong, confident man so I wouldn't recommend handling everyone with kid gloves, but gaging the situation before you strike with your witty words is a good starting point.
That's where what Scott said really comes into play, because teasing definitely has different connotations depending on who's behind it. If an Average Joe and a Sexy Sam delivered the same line of banter, it's very likely that Joe may be considered humorous and charming, and Sam may be viewed as being condescending or cocky. There's a certain level of assuredness and confidence that comes from feeling attractive, and likewise, feeling less attractive than someone whom you're interacting with can make you feel awkward and shy. I asked a friend the other day who his celebrity crushes were and he blurted out: "Lucy Lawless from Zena, Warrior Princess!" Then I asked if he would ever talk to her if he saw her somewhere, and he said that it would be much too intimidating to approach someone whom he found so attractive. In the world of online dating, our computers offer us that welcome divide where it's easier to be bold and playful. But the object is to transition that digital wordplay into real life.
So remember that old adage about catching more flies with honey than vinegar. In the best dating recipes, honey makes things sweet at first, and then vinegar gives things a spicy kick. Just like getting the best pictures for your profile takes effort and finesse, so do those first interactions. Being a hottie doesn't mean that you should "burn" your "matches", so be careful when you play with fire! ;-)
Faithful readers of my blog have noticed the advice that I give other people in improving their pictures and style. And, yes, I practice what I preach. Even when I'm not on eHarmony.
So, when I returned to the service a month ago, I noticed something different about how women were responding to my usual challenging playfulness.
They just weren't taking it as well as they used to. And I was getting quite a few closures.
"Okay...", I asked myself, "what changed?"
The advertising pitch didn't change.
My profile didn't change.
The things I did to tease 'em didn't change.
My pictures were the only things that changed.
Well, I ran my pictures on Hot or Not. I thought that they were better than the ones I used before, and my friends agreed. But, I wanted to see if that difference was measurable.
It was. Apparently, I'm now an 8+. Before, I struggled to get in the low 7's.
Since that's the only thing that changed... I'm thinking that must be it.
I guess there's a big difference between an OK looking guy teasing a woman... and a good looking guy doing the teasing. It's easier to take it the wrong way when the guy is good-looking, I suppose.
So, yes, I've been recalibrating. Showing just a little more interest. Fluffing them up just a little bit more than I used to.
I'll keep you guys posted on the results.
But, for those guys lucky enough to be in the 8+ range... be careful with the teasing. Women can be fragile, especially when the teasing comes from a hot guy.
Bitten Chick adds:
I love a man who is playful, charming and coy -- and those are some of my favorite personal traits as well. But witty banter can be tricky with someone whom you've just met, especially in the arena of an online dating website where fragile egos and self-confidence issues abound. If you'll forgive the metaphor, think of your matches as unique and mysterious flowers. Some can stand up to a mighty wind and then intoxicate you (poppies, anyone?) and some get their petals knocked askew at the slightest breeze. Women love a strong, confident man so I wouldn't recommend handling everyone with kid gloves, but gaging the situation before you strike with your witty words is a good starting point.
That's where what Scott said really comes into play, because teasing definitely has different connotations depending on who's behind it. If an Average Joe and a Sexy Sam delivered the same line of banter, it's very likely that Joe may be considered humorous and charming, and Sam may be viewed as being condescending or cocky. There's a certain level of assuredness and confidence that comes from feeling attractive, and likewise, feeling less attractive than someone whom you're interacting with can make you feel awkward and shy. I asked a friend the other day who his celebrity crushes were and he blurted out: "Lucy Lawless from Zena, Warrior Princess!" Then I asked if he would ever talk to her if he saw her somewhere, and he said that it would be much too intimidating to approach someone whom he found so attractive. In the world of online dating, our computers offer us that welcome divide where it's easier to be bold and playful. But the object is to transition that digital wordplay into real life.
So remember that old adage about catching more flies with honey than vinegar. In the best dating recipes, honey makes things sweet at first, and then vinegar gives things a spicy kick. Just like getting the best pictures for your profile takes effort and finesse, so do those first interactions. Being a hottie doesn't mean that you should "burn" your "matches", so be careful when you play with fire! ;-)
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Anatomy of a scam - The messages
So, she's hooked a hapless, mirror-hungry guy with a great photo and some vague prose. How does our scammer start her approach?
She starts with a fast track:
Clearly, English is not this woman's strong suit. But she does do a few things right. She starts with a list of hobbies that almost anyone will find something in common with (a kinship trick.) She amplifies the fact that she's ready to mirror her "special guy" - she indicates that she's interested in his profile, and she's looking for someone to "love and have... love me back", indicating that she'd relocate to be with someone like that. And, finally, she justifies going to email.
Of course, these lines will only work on the mildly desparate - the people who are most desperate for mirroring. For a woman of even average self-esteem, a guy who said these things would be labelled as desperately sucking up.
And, she left a rather vague request for a response. Which is good, because she probably cuts and pastes her next letter (no matter what is asked)...
Okay. So, the guy showed some interest by responding outside of eHarmony. He's showing some interest. Now, she does a few things...
First, she explains away her UK English. Which would be okay... if she wrote good UK English. (Many better scammers do.) And she also grounds the fact that she's in the UK to take care of her ill trusted friend. (Which, later, is used to justify a request for money.)
Next, for the first time, she sets forth why she's a good catch, other than just her looks. She's set forth a laundry list of desirable (but somewhat vague) attributes... just enough to indicate some interest in the guy.
Next, she tries (somewhat vaguely) to target some reason why the guy is special. This would be much better if she read the guy's profile, and targeted it to him... but, my guess is her command of the english language prevents it. So, even though this is pretty weak, it may have to be "good enough". (In PUA circles, this would be considered a "cold read". I prefer warmer reads, when they're possible.)
Finally, she sets forth her (again, somewhat vague) standards, and asks the guy to qualify for her attention.
Further putting him in the position of making an effort to meet this woman.
I won't publish the actual request for money - it gives scammers a little bit too much information on how to set a scam up. But, you realize now that, after a guy has spent significant time qualifying for this "dream woman", how it's now harder to turn away from her request for help.
And that's the setup... and the pitch.
Again, it's not all that good. But, with a little customization and better English... there are some solid fundamentals here. And those fundamentals can be used for good - not just evil.
She starts with a fast track:
Subject: "Hi email me"
"My name is Susan Johnson from Seattle ,WA, i likeswimming,playing golf,traveling,camping,watchingmovies,listening to music,,i am nice and loving womanwho is looking for someone to love and he would loveme back and i am willing to relocate when i find theright person for me,i saw your profile and i reallyliked it and it interests me alot,if you want to knowanything about me just ask i would be very much happyto tell you.i just signed on for a couple of weekshere and my subscription would be off that why i hadto include my email so we can still get to contact each other if amoff here.you can mail me back on it
xxxxxxx@yahoo.com"
Clearly, English is not this woman's strong suit. But she does do a few things right. She starts with a list of hobbies that almost anyone will find something in common with (a kinship trick.) She amplifies the fact that she's ready to mirror her "special guy" - she indicates that she's interested in his profile, and she's looking for someone to "love and have... love me back", indicating that she'd relocate to be with someone like that. And, finally, she justifies going to email.
Of course, these lines will only work on the mildly desparate - the people who are most desperate for mirroring. For a woman of even average self-esteem, a guy who said these things would be labelled as desperately sucking up.
And, she left a rather vague request for a response. Which is good, because she probably cuts and pastes her next letter (no matter what is asked)...
Hi I am pleased to meet you. I sent you something about me because ithink we both have lot in common. I come from seattle.WA UnitedStates . I have been living in United Kingdom for 14 years now aftermy parents past away,I presently stay with my aunt here in Uk shemoved to Uk after meeting her husband at eharmony so she registered meon eharmony for a trial she has been there for me through the ruffand tough times in my life. I became a Uk citizen in February 2004. Iam a multifaceted individual, well bred, educated as a respectful anddecent woman in a good family. I have a close girl friend that stayssome block from my home ... she is everything i have got. Nature hassent me a message to start a family, and I am following the instinct.I have resolved to find a suitable decent man for that purpose. I ammature and responsible. Loyal and honest to the core. Hold no baggagefrom the past. The past brings always brings me pleasant memories. Ido not have unresolved issues and load at my prior experiences in lifebecause I probably learned something from them. I believe that life isan endless learning experience that ends when we breath for the lasttime. I certainly do not know what is beyond that point. Believe mewhen I say I would be honored to learn more about you. I have chosento communicate with you for a very specific reason, and not only foryour nice looks. I admit that I like cute and good looking bloke, butif it is not a complete package of body, mind, and spirit, there isnot much you can do for me. If this sounds cocky is only by chance. Iam not a Hollywood woman, that is for sure. I am a well educated, wellmannered person, which I definitely appreciate in a man as well. Ilike intelligent, and natural men. I like men with an inner world.Attractions that fall beyond my control are architects, piano players(or any other instrument), and men that know about massage.Tell memore about you. Anything. What ever comes to your mind. Tell me whatdo you expect from me, or from our correspondence. attached are few ofmy pic you can send some of yours
Yours,
Susan
Okay. So, the guy showed some interest by responding outside of eHarmony. He's showing some interest. Now, she does a few things...
First, she explains away her UK English. Which would be okay... if she wrote good UK English. (Many better scammers do.) And she also grounds the fact that she's in the UK to take care of her ill trusted friend. (Which, later, is used to justify a request for money.)
Next, for the first time, she sets forth why she's a good catch, other than just her looks. She's set forth a laundry list of desirable (but somewhat vague) attributes... just enough to indicate some interest in the guy.
Next, she tries (somewhat vaguely) to target some reason why the guy is special. This would be much better if she read the guy's profile, and targeted it to him... but, my guess is her command of the english language prevents it. So, even though this is pretty weak, it may have to be "good enough". (In PUA circles, this would be considered a "cold read". I prefer warmer reads, when they're possible.)
Finally, she sets forth her (again, somewhat vague) standards, and asks the guy to qualify for her attention.
Further putting him in the position of making an effort to meet this woman.
I won't publish the actual request for money - it gives scammers a little bit too much information on how to set a scam up. But, you realize now that, after a guy has spent significant time qualifying for this "dream woman", how it's now harder to turn away from her request for help.
And that's the setup... and the pitch.
Again, it's not all that good. But, with a little customization and better English... there are some solid fundamentals here. And those fundamentals can be used for good - not just evil.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Anatomy of a Scam - The Scammer's Profile
One of my members recently sent me an email, giving a blow-by-blow account of an eHarmony scammer's attempt to seduce him out of his money.
I've seen these attempts before. But, I figured that these might make for some interesting blog posts, for three important reasons.
First of all - you should learn to recognize them. So you can waste only as much time as you want to with them. If any "woman" (and I'll put that in quotes because their gender isn't a certain thing...) uses these techniques, you'll know better than to send money. Or give her an email address that would inconvenience you if it got choked with spam.
Secondly... you can learn a few things from scammers. They make a living by doing this. So, either they're starving, or they're using some techniques that work. And these techniques can be used for good purposes - not just for bilking money from the desperate.
And, finally, as a lesson in learning how conventional beauty can make some guys do very stupid things.
So... let's do the blow-by-blow, shall we?
The Profile
The profile's most outstanding point... was the picture. Bottom-line? The photo was of a drop-dead gorgeous woman. I'd publish it here - but I'd hate to defame the (real) woman.
Everything else? Well, she did a few things right. Which is enough, if a woman has a hot enough picture. Here's the profile...
There's a lot wrong here. She's not even familiar enough with American culture or language to use good grammar. Or to know that "Native American" does not mean "born in America." (The picture was of a Caucasian woman.)
But, a few things were right.
She didn't provide much detail. Just enough to get a susceptible man's attention with her pictures. And only says a few things. Just enough to build up some potential for mirroring.
However, guys should avoid lines like, "Going to the beach". Women see that line from a mile away. And women usually aren't as swayed by pretty pictures alone.
So, that's the profile. The pitch? That's tomorrow.
I've seen these attempts before. But, I figured that these might make for some interesting blog posts, for three important reasons.
First of all - you should learn to recognize them. So you can waste only as much time as you want to with them. If any "woman" (and I'll put that in quotes because their gender isn't a certain thing...) uses these techniques, you'll know better than to send money. Or give her an email address that would inconvenience you if it got choked with spam.
Secondly... you can learn a few things from scammers. They make a living by doing this. So, either they're starving, or they're using some techniques that work. And these techniques can be used for good purposes - not just for bilking money from the desperate.
And, finally, as a lesson in learning how conventional beauty can make some guys do very stupid things.
So... let's do the blow-by-blow, shall we?
The Profile
The profile's most outstanding point... was the picture. Bottom-line? The photo was of a drop-dead gorgeous woman. I'd publish it here - but I'd hate to defame the (real) woman.
Everything else? Well, she did a few things right. Which is enough, if a woman has a hot enough picture. Here's the profile...
Occupation: Temporary Unemployed
Age: 28
Height: 5' 5"
Ethnicity: Native American
The one thing Susan is most passionate about:
* To find someone special in my life for us to build a trust..
The three things which Susan is most thankful for:
* My Aunt
* My Life
* My Home
Susan's friends describe her as:
* Caring
* Passionate
* Thoughtful
* Romantic
Three of Susan's best life-skills are:
* Creating romance in a relationship
* Cooking for my family and friends
* Finding new adventures and unique experiences
The most important thing Susan is looking for in a person is:
* Someone Honest, Caring and Loving.
The first thing you'll probably notice about Susan when you meet her:
* My Smile
Susan typically spends her leisure time:
* I enjoying going to beach I enjoying going to the cinema or a theater Going to a garden with someone special
There's a lot wrong here. She's not even familiar enough with American culture or language to use good grammar. Or to know that "Native American" does not mean "born in America." (The picture was of a Caucasian woman.)
But, a few things were right.
She didn't provide much detail. Just enough to get a susceptible man's attention with her pictures. And only says a few things. Just enough to build up some potential for mirroring.
However, guys should avoid lines like, "Going to the beach". Women see that line from a mile away. And women usually aren't as swayed by pretty pictures alone.
So, that's the profile. The pitch? That's tomorrow.
Friday, February 22, 2008
The Attachment Model: Final thoughts
Just a few concluding thoughts on the attachment model that I've proposed.
First of all, it IS only a model. And a very early one at that. As time goes on, I'm sure that I (as well as hopefully others) will refine it further. And I'm giving this model "from the labs" status.
Another important point? The stages of the model are NOT cast in stone.
There are some people who will require a little bit of comfort-building before they can experience chemistry. Some "liveable problems" may be apparent on the first date, and not near the end game.
The model is a guide. Not a rigid playbook.
So... get out there and enjoy playing.
First of all, it IS only a model. And a very early one at that. As time goes on, I'm sure that I (as well as hopefully others) will refine it further. And I'm giving this model "from the labs" status.
Another important point? The stages of the model are NOT cast in stone.
There are some people who will require a little bit of comfort-building before they can experience chemistry. Some "liveable problems" may be apparent on the first date, and not near the end game.
The model is a guide. Not a rigid playbook.
So... get out there and enjoy playing.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Attachment Model: Endgame
Time has passed in your relationship. Usually, six months to one year.
You know each other well.
You've come to rely on each other in very basic ways.
You recognize her as the person she is - imperfect, but good for you.
She feels the same.
You're attached.
When you're at the point where this is occurring, this is the time to talk about the practical matters of building a life together. And a time when you are realistically ready to talk about things like living together, marriage, and children in something other than a hypothetical way.
So... talk. See if the practicalities work out.
And if they do?
Heck, you don't need me anymore. You're on your own. :-)
Final thoughts on the attachment model tomorrow.
You know each other well.
You've come to rely on each other in very basic ways.
You recognize her as the person she is - imperfect, but good for you.
She feels the same.
You're attached.
When you're at the point where this is occurring, this is the time to talk about the practical matters of building a life together. And a time when you are realistically ready to talk about things like living together, marriage, and children in something other than a hypothetical way.
So... talk. See if the practicalities work out.
And if they do?
Heck, you don't need me anymore. You're on your own. :-)
Final thoughts on the attachment model tomorrow.
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