Spotting the scammers

Unfortunately, where there are men who desperately want to meet a woman... there are rip-off artists ready to take advantage of that desperation.

eHarmony is better than most sites at repelling scammers. The fact that your profile only goes to people who are a personality match, the high cost of the service, and eHarmony's responsiveness to complaints keep the "scam" traffic minimal.

But... some "scam" profiles are still going to be there.

If you run into profiles like these -- don't give your real email address (unless you don't mind getting clogged with spam), and definitely never send money, or accept redirection to unknown websites.

As I see it, there are two types of scammers out there:

The barely-literate scammer

The barely-literate scammer, generally, is not well-educated in US culture or language. They generally provide one photograph, which, on close inspection, will look like it came out of a magazine. It will usually be "exotic" in some way, but not necessarily attractive.

Poor spelling and grammar tend to be common. And characteristics can be bizarre. (My latest one was a 23 year old Jewish Asian doctor.)

If it doesn't make sense... there's a reason. Close, and report your suspicions to eHarmony.

The sophisticated scammer

Some scammers do a much better job of appealing to the "average guy". They will provide great photos, and more than one of them. And they'll look very attractive.

Close inspection of the photos will show that the lighting is perfect. And everything will look like modeling studio quality. Sometimes, they'll put some captions up that try to make the photos look candid. That's a sure sign of a sophisticated scammer at work.

The language will be good, but look for signs of British English. Language will be very inviting, vague, generic, and flirtatious. Sexual references may be present.

These "women" are good, and there are relatively few of them. You can learn a few things about building an "inviting" profile by reading their profiles. But be very cautious when you're communicating with them. Do not give your "real" email address... and all the usual precautions.

And if they ask for money, or for you to go to another website... Report them.

War Journal,4/30/07

A slow week for number of matches... Giving me opportunity to provide a little bit of gory detail regarding the matches' deaths.

1 closed me before step 1 - but I had a feeling we're not each others' type. Answers were way too superficial, especially in comparison to my profile, which is designed to draw women completely different from her. So... Buh-bye, not missed.

1 was full of statements like, "I wear my heart on my sleeve", "I'm really shy around people", "I get hurt easy." She closed me soon after receiving my closed-ended answers. Guess I spooked her with my answers... but, certainly, not a loss.

1 was a 40 year old "physician" who provided no photos, minimal answers, bad grammar, multiple misspellings... I call it a dead profile. Close.

1 is in phase 3 communication. For some reason, "jock girls" like my profile. Go figure. Not that I'm complaining - I actually get along pretty well with them.

1 is in phase 1 communication. In the same work field as me, maybe a little over dedicated... but it's too soon to draw conclusions.

One is another "no photos/minimal answers" profile. Just got it this morning. She's on hold for a couple of days to get her act together.

One phone call, one date arranged. The "dying father" woman. I'm looking at this one more as an opportunity to expand my social network than as a serious girlfriend candidate.

And that's this week's action.

Bring out the dead (profiles)...

Unfortunately, eHarmony does not actively remove profiles from inactive members. In a way, failing to do so might make some business sense. New members can see a list of "matches", and be forced to pay before discovering that they're dead. And, if it's an inconvenience to us members... well, we're going to pay anyway, aren't we?

Because of this, and the reasons I stated in my last article, I have very little tolerance for a lack of communication.

Like I said, there's no way that eHarmony is going to come out and say that a profile is inactive. But, there are a few hints.

First, the obvious ones: The ones with no photos, and minimal (or no) answers to questions. In extreme examples, they tend to use pseudonyms, or 1 letter names. If you're seeing this, they probably only logged in to see what it's like, and left just as quickly. If you feel incredibly generous... put them on hold for a few days to send them the message to shape up or ship out. But that's it.

One sign that they might be active? If they looked at your profile before you looked at theirs, the match status will be at "Phase one". However, if they haven't looked at their profile (and you haven't looked at it either), their status will be at "Introduction". So... if they're at Phase 1, there's a human on the other end of the account. She may be a nonmember, though, and still may not decide to pay in order to continue communications.

Another subtle hint? Look at their personality profile. If it looks different from yours (even the "no profile" screen looks different), then the profile was built with an older version of the eHarmony questionnaire. Which means that, either, she's a long-time member... or a long-abandoned profile. But it's another hint.

When I come back on Monday... some profiles are even worse than the "dead" ones. We'll talk about those.

Patience ISN'T a virtue on eHarmony...

Obviously, all of us want to have more matches to choose from.

And, when we do get a match... it's better if we're one of the first guys that a woman sees. Because women pay more attention to their first matches than to the 35th entry on their "active matches" list.

So, we'd all like to know what we can do to get more, and earlier matches.

We're at a disadvantage, though. eHarmony doesn't let us know how its algorithms work. And they certainly aren't going to give me access to them.

Because of this, I have to make some assumptions based on my experience.

One thing that I've observed is that, when I have an empty list (or a list that's almost empty), I'm much more likely to show up when a woman hits, "Find more matches".

And that's probably the best time to get a match.

So... guess what? You know those women who want to go into marathon sessions before they give up a phone number? Or the ones that take weeks to respond?

That's right. They may be blocking you from receiving a better (and more cooperative) match.

So... don't let them try your patience.

In my experience, women who don't respond to communication within a week (or within a couple of days from a nudge) will not establish communication with you.

And if a woman places you on hold... forget it. I've never had a woman come back from hold. Ever.

Give 'em the boot, and move on.

Of course, the uninterested aren't your only enemies in keeping a clean match list. There are also women who abandoned the system. And a few "scammers" as well.

My tips for spotting these time-stealers? Read on...

Comfort or not? Case studies from the field

Here are some situations that have occurred recently. As you can see, understanding the level of attraction (and whether the stated question seems like a comfort question) is key to understanding whether it should be handled as a "shit test", as an opportunity to provide comfort (removing emotional barriers to intimacy), or, perhaps, a mixture of both.

Case 1: In Phase 3 communication, a woman writes very long, detailed answers to my questions, and actively places herself in a romantic situation with me in one of the answers. However, she includes an apology that her future communications may be sporadic, as her father is dying.

Her level of attraction? Not absent... but we haven't met yet. Hardly any level of comfort-building seems inappropriate. It would signal that I'm already "sold", and attraction would be hard to rebuild. On the other hand, an insensitive response would have definitely chased her away. (Which would be okay, if I were less patient.)

My solution? Temper a little bit of comfort with a LOT of disinterest.

My response? "Sorry to hear about that. Definitely, do what you need to do. I'm just 'zis guy from Indianapolis, you know?" (She lived in another city.)

Indifferent... but not blowing her apart with an insensitive lack of comfort.

Case 2: First date. A lot of pre-date banter and game-playing took place before the date, which she enthusiastically responded to, and escalated. (I haven't talked about pre-date banter yet - I consider it an advanced technique. However, it builds suspense beautifully by looking like she has a chance to provide comfort, when in fact, due to the artificial "rules" I put on the games, she can actually receive very little.) However, upon meeting, the first minutes were a bit cold. About the only indicator of interest that I saw was that she showed up for the date.

When we sit down at the table, she pulled out a photocopy from an astrology book, and described how our signs were completely incompatible. After reading pages of this description of our fundamentally incompatible personalities, she asked me, "Well, what do you think?"

Clear shit-test... I answered, "Wow. You sure take that stuff seriously." She sat in silence for a little bit, and said, "Well, no. But I just don't know that much about you." Signs of interest reemerged. And real comfort measures could begin, now that she was asking a little more appropriately.

Case 3: First date. Great pre-date banter beforehand. Very warm indicators of interest... until I tap her on the hand. She jerks back. A little later, she says, "Something's been bothering me. Can you tell me a little bit about your divorce?"

She's attracted, but blocked. It's unusual (on a first date) for this to cause such a block... but the only way I'll know why is to provide comfort. I tell her my story, she's very quickly convinced and relieved. And then, she talks about her broken engagement, and slips that it was less than 6 months ago. I asked her, "How are you feeling about dating again?" She replied, "I'm not really sure. I only signed up on eHarmony for the personality profile..."

There was no date 2. We still talk once in awhile... but she's still pretty messed up. And not relationship material.

Basic comfort theory - and decision making in the field.

One of the classics in the seduction field is the "Mystery model". Despite many of its imperfections, it can be a helpful model for understanding attraction... it's definitely worth a read. And since it's out in mass, it can be had cheaply. You can download it from the website for over $40... or you can order a real book for less than $15. I know which option I'd pick... and, if you don't already have it, you can pick it up at any online bookstore.

Anyway, one aspect of his model that helps make our decision on whether we need to address a "shit test" or true comfort need is to understand her current level of attraction.

According to the Mystery Model (as I understand or interpret it), comfort-building and attraction-building are both necessary in order for a woman to feel like she can advance a relationship. Whatever "advance" means to the two of you, anyway.

When you've got high attraction and low comfort - a woman starts to freak out.

On the other hand, when you're providing comfort in the absence of attraction - the woman thinks that you're a doe-eyed puppydog.

So, when you're wondering whether to answer a question as a "shit test deflection" or a "comfort-building" measure... take a look at what she's asking, and the level of attraction that's there.

If a woman has not displayed any signs of interest, and starts to ask intrusive questions... it's probably a shit test. (And if it happens on an eHarmony date... you need to stick closer to the system.)

If you've made out a few times, and she asks you if you're dating other people... She's going to get awfully uncomfortable if you don't provide an answer. Or just assume that the answer is "yes", but you don't have the balls to talk about it.

Of course, few cases are as simple as these extremes. I'll provide some field cases in my next post... that should make the practice a little clearer.

Building comfort? Or "shit test"?

In a lot of ways, men who are not looking for a serious relationship have an easier time with women.

If a woman is interested in having a "fling", they're looking for all of the characteristics that the pickup artist community teaches. They want a confident man, who doesn't need directions. And, when they do have sex, they don't want the man to think it's a "big deal", or that it means anything. Because, if they're perusing a person with the PUA characteristics, they're not looking for a relationship, either. (Either that... or they're just very stupid. But, most of the time, stupid people are just sad exceptions to the rule.)

When both people want a relationship (with each other, or not), the stakes go up. And a woman is going to want to know a little more about you.

And, when you try to avoid these types of questions, it becomes a barrier to intimacy.

The troubling part? Many women still engage in what the PUA community calls "shit tests". Basically, no-win questions designed to make a man look inconsistent and awkward. Or intrusive questions that, if a man had any self respect, he'd refuse to answer. And if you answer these questions... you look like the desperate men who will say anything to be with a woman.

So, which questions do you want to answer? And which ones are the ones you want to avoid?

Don't worry. It's still pretty simple. We'll talk about it tomorrow.