Does kindness need to be hidden?

Many people, when they're first introduced to the ideas of this blog, have some resistance. They feel that the confident, honest, and direct communication style that I put forth doesn't mesh well with their own personalities.

They ask, "but, I really am a nice guy. Shouldn't that come through in my profile?"

Well, first, you need to examine what "nice" means. If you're talking about the negative connotations of being nice, then, the answer is a resounding "no".

But some people who describe themselves as "nice" don't have those negative connotations. They are genuinely kind, warm, generous, and principled people. They don't act this way to try to "get" something out of someone. They do it for themselves.

These are very positive traits. And your profile should imply that you have them.

The problem? You need to not look like the manipulative, trying-to-please-so-I-can-get-what-I-really-want-if-I-really-know-what-that-is-anyway "nice guy".

So, what do the manipulators do?

They brag about their "niceness", with the implication that they should be rewarded.

They say that they're "nice". And give long tributes to themselves.

They say that they like stereotypic "nice things". Like puppies and flowers.

So... don't do that. People with kindness and emotional warmth don't need to directly say it. They live it. And it will show in their profile.

For example, a lot of "warm, nice" guys will talk about evenings at the beach.

But, what about the young writer, who, when asked what he's passionate about, answers, "Right now, I'm passionate about my newest project - I'm collecting the life stories of the men on death row, to try to understand what went wrong in their lives to make them explode in such a violent way."

He's not bragging. He's saying what he's passionate about. Some women may not empathize with a death row criminal. And that's immaterial. What he is demonstrating, indirectly, is the ability to understand others, respond to other people's emotions, and display his legitimate kindness toward people that others seek to avoid.

All good relationship strengths.

If he decides to be in a relationship with the reader.

When she's itching for a fight...

Here's another spice for you guys... But it's a volatile one. Use it at the right time - it works great. Use it at the wrong time - it can blow up in your face.

But... has your girlfriend ever got into one of those moods? The one where she's just itching for a fight for no real reason? Where she just keeps egging you on from random topic to random topic?

Okay, maybe not a lot. But it's annoying when it happens.

Call her on it.

"Awww... she's trying to pick a fight with me. That's soooo cute."

She'll either laugh... or really start tearing into you.

Reflections from the bald head...

A long time ago, when I was first out of college, I entered the job search, not really knowing what I wanted or where I was headed. But, I knew that I had to sort things out, and a friend recommended the classic book, "What Color Is Your Parachute"?

One section that stuck out for me - even when it didn't refer to my specific problems - was it's suggestion for people who had things in their background that they couldn't control. Like the fact that they were physically handicapped. Or had a criminal record.

The book's advice was very straightforward and direct. It told the potential jobseeker that there, in essence, were two types of employers: Those that would hire someone with their "problem", and those that wouldn't.

If they were one of the ones that wouldn't? Ask if they know anyone who would be interested in hiring someone like them, and end the interview quickly.

In one of my recent emails, one of my readers asked how I approached dating considering my own male pattern baldness.

I approached it pretty much the same way. Some women aren't going to be attracted to a bald guy. And that's fine. It gives me more time to spend one the ones that can.

But... after looking at some of my latest pictures (and the last vestiges of my hairline), I decided to shave off the rest of my hair.

No, I didn't do it to impress women. I did it because I thought I might look better.

And, I figure at least some of you are curious about how it's affected the online game.

Well, before I go into personal experience, I do have to mention that "Freakanomics" did cite a study where male pattern baldness was associated with poorer results online, but shaved heads were not. I haven't read the original article, but I certainly have a lot of questions. (Maybe it's because people who shave their heads pay more attention to how "fashionable" they are? Or they're more confident? I don't know.)

So... what's my experience?

Well, no one stopped communication when I told them about my new look. I was actually kind of prepared for that. Turned out not to be a problem. Also, I tested my pictures on Hot or Not, and my ratings improved significantly.

But, for me, the most interesting changes were in real life.

Before the head-shave, pre-communication closures for lack of chemistry were rare. However, they increased significantly after the head shave.

But... of the ones who did respond? They were a lot more enthusiastic.

So, my final guess? I think that shaving my head just "turned up the volume" on women's reactions to my baldness. The women who found the bald head sexy, liked it. And the ones that didn't... really didn't.

In my opinion? I like the change. I'm keeping it. And, if things don't work out with my girlfriend, I know that there are plenty of women who like it.

High tension, low comfort: Online Buyer's Remorse.

In the Mystery Model (one of the classic models in the seduction community), high attraction and low comfort usually lead to "Buyer's remorse". The classic example? When you've made a bar approach, and she quickly cranks up the physical escalation.

To the beginner, things look great. Until he tries to call her the next day, and the woman refuses to return his phone calls.

The problem? Although she got swept up in the moment, the time alone made her realize that she didn't know that much about the guy. She starts to freak out - and decides it's best to stay away.

Can something like this happen online?

Yes. And very easily.

Email provides a very safe forum for a woman. She can develop a fantasy world, and develop fantasy images of what you're like. She can appear however she wants. She can be as fun, flirty, and saucy as she wants. And if the conversation stays in email, it's all going to be perfectly safe.

The trouble is, when you propose moving away from email, that artificial sense of safety disappears.

And she's very likely to be scared of what you'll expect when you meet outside of email. And, in the end, she's more likely to run away from you (in real life) than meet you.

So, what can you do to prevent this?

• If she's even slightly interested in you, move to the phone, and set the date. Don't try to seduce anyone online.
• Don't have extended email conversations. If you stay low-key, and stick to the elements that I suggested in my Open Communication templates, you should be able to get a phone number quickly.
• If she's running hot, don't escalate. Stay confident that she'll meet you on the date. Write her only enough to reassure her that you're not a jerk. Playfully let her know that you're not so sure about her... yet. It's safer to meet someone who's unsure about you, than someone who's going to maul you as soon as you meet.
• And if she's running hot... Skip the pre-date banter games. These build interest. But when you've got high interest/low comfort, this step will compound the problem.
  

High tension, low comfort: The self-esteem meltdown

Over the last few days, we've been talking about what happens when a woman is feeling comfortable with a man, but doesn't feel any gut-level tension or attraction.

Some readers ask - can the opposite problem happen? Can people run into problems when they create too much tension, but don't provide enough comfort?

Of course, they can.

First of all - tension can only go so far. You want her leave her wanting just a little more information about you. And leaving her wondering, just a little bit, about whether she's meeting your standards.

But, in one of the most common "High tension, low comfort" scenarios, people build that tension too high, and it stops being fun. It stops being playful or suspenseful. Women, in this state of tension, start to believe that you're hiding deal-breaking information, that you lack the confidence to state who you are, or feel like you carry standards that she can't handle.

Bottom line? She'll walk away very angry.

Don't get me wrong. If you have standards, she's not meeting them, and she's walking away angry... That's not such a bad thing.

But if it's happening a a lot, and it seems like it's unnecessary... it's time to raise the comfort and friendliness factors.

In the "tampon" zone? Step 2 - Stop rewarding bad behavior!

But, even when people are given yesterday's sage advice, they often ask another question:

"Is there anything that I can say now to build attraction, and convince her what a great guy I am?"

Here's the problem: When you try to "say something to get her attention", you're giving her exactly what she wants.

Right now, she sees you as a safe source of attention to turn to when she feels like her ego needs a little stroking.

And, when you pay attention to her... you're telling her that she can.

In other words, that you'll still be an emotional tampon for her.

So, in the end, all all attempts to demonstrate what a great guy you are... will only make your problem worse.

So, if you want her to stop her from using you this way... you need to stop letting her do it.

And if you're busy finding five more women, and you're busy living your life... this should be easy.

If she wants to be your pen pal, but won't give a phone number? You're busy. You've got other things to do. Tell her you don't have time for that.

If she flakes on a date? Leave. Do something else - with someone else. And, if she calls back and asks to "reschedule", let her know you might squeeze her in again when you're not busy. (... and that might be never.)

Because, when you're too busy to feed the emotionally needy women of the world - they'll stop. And the women who are interested in you will make an effort to spend time with you.

In the "tampon" zone? Step 1 - GFFM!

So, you've been through the eHarmony process, and you're finding that you're liking a woman... but, although her comfort is high, her attraction is low. And, in "Just a Guy"'s words, she's using you as an emotional tampon.

What do you do when you're in this situation?

It's one of the most common questions in the seduction community. So common, that the answer has become an acronym.

GFFM. Short for "go find five more." (The word "find" is often replaced, but I've found that "find" works just fine for me.)

Why is it so important?

Because, when you're trying so hard to get a woman to be attracted to you, you start to do all the wrong things. (I'll talk about that tomorrow.)

But, by the time you've actually dated five more women, people usually realize that Woman #1 wasn't as special, attractive, sexy, interesting, witty, or charming as you had thought.

And at that point? You've reversed the power. You've got options.

And if she really does want something from you? She has to start competing for your attention all over again.

And if anything builds your attraction level at this point - it will be this.

"But, aren't there other things that can help build attraction"?

We'll talk about that tomorrow.