Well, folks... it's time for me to go on vacation. I'll be returning in a little over a week.
Come to think of it... I've basically posted the "core" of my system.
How's it working?
What have been your success stories?
What are your sticking points?
What would you like me to write about when I get back?
Leave a comment.
Don't be shy. The squeaky wheels WILL get the grease when I return.
Friday, April 6, 2007
The third open communication letter
You should have a phone number by now. If she asks for your phone number instead, I'd give it to her.
But, what if she doesn't give up the digits? Or if she writes about something completely different?
That would be very unusual. Since I've started this protocol, it's never failed. I've never had to write this letter.
But, I imagine that there are some women on eHarmony who are so self-centered, or so psychologically messed up that they believe that I'll make time for an email communication marathon. In spite of my clear statements that I can't.
This last message will take some bravery. The first few times that you "lay down the line", it will probably create anxiety.
But the only alternative is to accept email hell. And, in the old days, when I tolerated it, It never resulted in an actual meeting.
Time to move on.
First of all: Don't send this letter quickly. Remember - you're too busy to read your email. You need to wait a few days. Three days would probably be too soon. Two weeks might be too late.
For the first few times, while that anxiety is still high, use this letter word-for-word.
"Hi, [insert her name here].
Wow. It's been a busy week. Mostly in good ways, though. I hope your week has gone well.
Anyway, I'm sorry to see that you're not ready to talk to me. That's a pity. You seemed like you might be worth getting to know better.
Unfortunately, I just can't think of any other way for us to talk... I really don't have the time for email [if they mention instant messaging, add 'or instant messaging']. So, I guess we're at an impasse.
So... if you're ready to talk, give me a call at [insert your phone number]. Otherwise... it's been a pleasure to "meet" you.
[insert your name]"
And close the match.
Don't worry. There are a lot more people out there. And most of them will want to talk to you. You owe it to yourself to move on.
But, what if she doesn't give up the digits? Or if she writes about something completely different?
That would be very unusual. Since I've started this protocol, it's never failed. I've never had to write this letter.
But, I imagine that there are some women on eHarmony who are so self-centered, or so psychologically messed up that they believe that I'll make time for an email communication marathon. In spite of my clear statements that I can't.
This last message will take some bravery. The first few times that you "lay down the line", it will probably create anxiety.
But the only alternative is to accept email hell. And, in the old days, when I tolerated it, It never resulted in an actual meeting.
Time to move on.
First of all: Don't send this letter quickly. Remember - you're too busy to read your email. You need to wait a few days. Three days would probably be too soon. Two weeks might be too late.
For the first few times, while that anxiety is still high, use this letter word-for-word.
"Hi, [insert her name here].
Wow. It's been a busy week. Mostly in good ways, though. I hope your week has gone well.
Anyway, I'm sorry to see that you're not ready to talk to me. That's a pity. You seemed like you might be worth getting to know better.
Unfortunately, I just can't think of any other way for us to talk... I really don't have the time for email [if they mention instant messaging, add 'or instant messaging']. So, I guess we're at an impasse.
So... if you're ready to talk, give me a call at [insert your phone number]. Otherwise... it's been a pleasure to "meet" you.
[insert your name]"
And close the match.
Don't worry. There are a lot more people out there. And most of them will want to talk to you. You owe it to yourself to move on.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
The second open communication letter
Hopefully, you've received an enthusiastic response to your first eHarmony open communication letter. Now, it's time to respond.
If she picked up on your subtle hint that you'd like to call her sometime, and she said she'd like to talk... Your work is practically done. Just say, "Me too. What's your phone number?" In my experience... you'll get responses like this about half the time.
Otherwise, you need to build the time pressure.
Open the letter with 1-2 sentences addressing what she might have said. You don't have to answer every question and address every issue. In fact, you're about to say that you don't have time to. Don't ask any new questions. Only write sentences that CLOSE questions, and don't open any new topics of conversation.
Open a new paragraph. Now, use that time constraint that you hinted about in the first message, and tell her that, as you feared, you aren't going to be able to keep up with your email. But, you'd still like to talk. And ask for her phone number.
Close by telling her that you're looking forward to talking further.
And, there you go. You've established that your time is valuable, and that, if she wants to continue communication, she must go to the phone.
But what if she doesn't give up her phone number?
It's rare, but it does happen.
We'll talk about that tomorrow.
If she picked up on your subtle hint that you'd like to call her sometime, and she said she'd like to talk... Your work is practically done. Just say, "Me too. What's your phone number?" In my experience... you'll get responses like this about half the time.
Otherwise, you need to build the time pressure.
Open the letter with 1-2 sentences addressing what she might have said. You don't have to answer every question and address every issue. In fact, you're about to say that you don't have time to. Don't ask any new questions. Only write sentences that CLOSE questions, and don't open any new topics of conversation.
Open a new paragraph. Now, use that time constraint that you hinted about in the first message, and tell her that, as you feared, you aren't going to be able to keep up with your email. But, you'd still like to talk. And ask for her phone number.
Close by telling her that you're looking forward to talking further.
And, there you go. You've established that your time is valuable, and that, if she wants to continue communication, she must go to the phone.
But what if she doesn't give up her phone number?
It's rare, but it does happen.
We'll talk about that tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
The first open communication letter - Part 2
To finish your first eHarmony open communication letter, you'll be demonstrating that you've paid attention, that you're showing interest... but you're not quite convinced yet. You'll lay the seeds for the next step, and finally, closing with some "fun" questions.
Let's get started.
Observe, show interest, but challenge
In your next paragraph, you need to show that she's piqued your interest... but you're still not quite convinced.
Take something from her profile (not her photos) that intrigued you, and mention it. But, gently challenge her. Don't insult her. Don't accuse her of lying. You're aiming at a statement that, if you said it in person, would earn you a mock look of horror and a sock in the arm. Not a scowl and a slap in the face.
Some examples?
"You're a triathelete? Cool. I'd like to see if you can beat me in a bicycle race..."
"You're a Harry Potter fan, huh? I like the series too, but, please, don't tell me about the collection of Quidditch cards you hide under your bed."
"So, you like to cook, huh? Excellent. I like to eat. So, I hope your cooking is actually edible..."
Lay groundwork for a phone call
Put in a paragraph break, and put in a sentence (or sentence fragment) alluding that you'd like to talk on the phone sometime. Don't ask for the phone call (or a phone number) yet... you don't want to show you're ready. The stem, "I was thinking that a phone call might be fun, but for now..." is a pretty good one.
Ask some fun questions
Some women are pretty clueless about what to do next. So, you need to bring up some topics for her to write about. The best way to do that is to ask some questions. Preface your questions with something like, "I know we have a million questions to ask each other, but we've already been through some rough interrogation, so here are some fun ones..." And ask one or two questions that are kind of fun. Like what her favorite movie is (or favorite anything, for that matter). Or the most fun thing that she did in the last week. Or what cartoon character/fictional character she most resembles in personality.
Close with a call to action
Time to start a new (short) paragraph. Just leave a quick call for action. Something along the lines of, "I'm looking forward to your reply." Sign, and throw in your email address.
And your first letter is done.
Tomorrow - the second letter.
Let's get started.
Observe, show interest, but challenge
In your next paragraph, you need to show that she's piqued your interest... but you're still not quite convinced.
Take something from her profile (not her photos) that intrigued you, and mention it. But, gently challenge her. Don't insult her. Don't accuse her of lying. You're aiming at a statement that, if you said it in person, would earn you a mock look of horror and a sock in the arm. Not a scowl and a slap in the face.
Some examples?
"You're a triathelete? Cool. I'd like to see if you can beat me in a bicycle race..."
"You're a Harry Potter fan, huh? I like the series too, but, please, don't tell me about the collection of Quidditch cards you hide under your bed."
"So, you like to cook, huh? Excellent. I like to eat. So, I hope your cooking is actually edible..."
Lay groundwork for a phone call
Put in a paragraph break, and put in a sentence (or sentence fragment) alluding that you'd like to talk on the phone sometime. Don't ask for the phone call (or a phone number) yet... you don't want to show you're ready. The stem, "I was thinking that a phone call might be fun, but for now..." is a pretty good one.
Ask some fun questions
Some women are pretty clueless about what to do next. So, you need to bring up some topics for her to write about. The best way to do that is to ask some questions. Preface your questions with something like, "I know we have a million questions to ask each other, but we've already been through some rough interrogation, so here are some fun ones..." And ask one or two questions that are kind of fun. Like what her favorite movie is (or favorite anything, for that matter). Or the most fun thing that she did in the last week. Or what cartoon character/fictional character she most resembles in personality.
Close with a call to action
Time to start a new (short) paragraph. Just leave a quick call for action. Something along the lines of, "I'm looking forward to your reply." Sign, and throw in your email address.
And your first letter is done.
Tomorrow - the second letter.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
The first open communication letter - Part 1
So, let's start writing that first open communication letter.
You should write in your own, personal, casual writing style. However, I'll throw in a few crucial ingredients that you need to stick to, in order to make sure she's going to give up her phone number quickly.
In the first paragraph, I like to include 2-3 things: Pleasantries, reference to a time constraint, and (if they wrote first), a brief response.
Pleasantries
It's just polite to start nicely. Say "Hi." Or Hello, konichi-wa, or whatever. And show some appreciation. Something along the lines of, "I've enjoyed this introduction." Or, "I'm glad we're finally getting to talk like normal people." Or, "Thanks for bearing through structured communication".
After the "Hi", it's one sentence. That's it. DO NOT insert a compliment. (We'll explain how to do it properly tomorrow, in paragraph 2.) Don't say how great she is. Only express a pleasantry - that you appreciate the efforts that have been made so far.
Introduce a time constraint
We've talked a lot about "communication hell", and why it's important to avoid it. The primary reason why people end up in communication hell? Because they're afraid to set a limit on the time they're going to spend in open communication.
You need to show that your time is valuable. And, to do that, you need to explain why you're going to be busy.
Here are some examples (combined with appropraite pleasantries):
"(for when you've blazed through open communication in a single morning) Thanks for making a boring morning at work a little more interesting... but I don't think this slack time is going to last long. I can't write a long message, but...."
"I hope you've had a great weekend. I've been really busy with friends, and have a lot of social engagements keeping me REALLY busy over the next few weeks..."
You get the idea. You're establishing NOW that your time is valuable.
Respond (if she wrote the first message)
After drawing your time constraint, respond briefly to her message. If she asked a lot of questions, don't feel obligated to answer them all. Say you're busy. Use the same principles I advocated in answering questions in structured communication. And write 2 sentences here, at absolute maximum.
Paragraph 2 tomorrow.
You should write in your own, personal, casual writing style. However, I'll throw in a few crucial ingredients that you need to stick to, in order to make sure she's going to give up her phone number quickly.
In the first paragraph, I like to include 2-3 things: Pleasantries, reference to a time constraint, and (if they wrote first), a brief response.
Pleasantries
It's just polite to start nicely. Say "Hi." Or Hello, konichi-wa, or whatever. And show some appreciation. Something along the lines of, "I've enjoyed this introduction." Or, "I'm glad we're finally getting to talk like normal people." Or, "Thanks for bearing through structured communication".
After the "Hi", it's one sentence. That's it. DO NOT insert a compliment. (We'll explain how to do it properly tomorrow, in paragraph 2.) Don't say how great she is. Only express a pleasantry - that you appreciate the efforts that have been made so far.
Introduce a time constraint
We've talked a lot about "communication hell", and why it's important to avoid it. The primary reason why people end up in communication hell? Because they're afraid to set a limit on the time they're going to spend in open communication.
You need to show that your time is valuable. And, to do that, you need to explain why you're going to be busy.
Here are some examples (combined with appropraite pleasantries):
"(for when you've blazed through open communication in a single morning) Thanks for making a boring morning at work a little more interesting... but I don't think this slack time is going to last long. I can't write a long message, but...."
"I hope you've had a great weekend. I've been really busy with friends, and have a lot of social engagements keeping me REALLY busy over the next few weeks..."
You get the idea. You're establishing NOW that your time is valuable.
Respond (if she wrote the first message)
After drawing your time constraint, respond briefly to her message. If she asked a lot of questions, don't feel obligated to answer them all. Say you're busy. Use the same principles I advocated in answering questions in structured communication. And write 2 sentences here, at absolute maximum.
Paragraph 2 tomorrow.
Monday, April 2, 2007
What NOT to do in open communication
You've finally finished structured communication.
If a woman is communicating with you, it means that she's intrigued, and wants to get to know you better. And, if you don't make mistakes, phone contact is almost a sure thing. (Unless you decide not to take that step.)
But, a lot of men still manage to ruin that sense of intrigue.
The most common mistake? The statement that you'll spend time answering questions until she's ready to go on the phone.
It can be a fair, but time-consuming way to get to know each other. But, when people become comfortable with each other, and DON'T make physical contact... they become friends. And, usually, only email friends at that. And any sexual tension will certainly be dead at the end of the process.
But don't worry. I'll guide you through the process. If you follow the advice that I set forth, you'll have her phone number in two messages. Four at absolute maximum.
The other mistake?
I said that a woman, after completing structured communication, should be intrigued. Interested. But they're rarely fully sold.
But a lot of men start open communication with a shower of compliments. About how they're so right for each other, and how much they have in common. And how soon they want to meet, and all of the wonderful cuddles they're going to share...
But, if a woman's only intrigued... that's a VERY scary proposition.
So, you're not going to hit on her either. You're offering to get to know her better. And that's it.
So, how do we do it?
Watch and learn...
If a woman is communicating with you, it means that she's intrigued, and wants to get to know you better. And, if you don't make mistakes, phone contact is almost a sure thing. (Unless you decide not to take that step.)
But, a lot of men still manage to ruin that sense of intrigue.
The most common mistake? The statement that you'll spend time answering questions until she's ready to go on the phone.
It can be a fair, but time-consuming way to get to know each other. But, when people become comfortable with each other, and DON'T make physical contact... they become friends. And, usually, only email friends at that. And any sexual tension will certainly be dead at the end of the process.
But don't worry. I'll guide you through the process. If you follow the advice that I set forth, you'll have her phone number in two messages. Four at absolute maximum.
The other mistake?
I said that a woman, after completing structured communication, should be intrigued. Interested. But they're rarely fully sold.
But a lot of men start open communication with a shower of compliments. About how they're so right for each other, and how much they have in common. And how soon they want to meet, and all of the wonderful cuddles they're going to share...
But, if a woman's only intrigued... that's a VERY scary proposition.
So, you're not going to hit on her either. You're offering to get to know her better. And that's it.
So, how do we do it?
Watch and learn...
War Journal, 4/2/07
Some interesting stories this week...
Closed Matches:
One reached open communication, and immediately told me s/he couldn't have children. Which made me think... all of her photos had scarves around her neck, and the full-body photo was vague. She had an unusual occupation in a small town. I did a google search, based on her first name, occupation, and city, and I found another photo. With an Adam's apple and no appreciable breasts. CLOSE!
1 closed me, citing distance.
1 closed me, citing age difference.
I closed one due to lack of response.
I closed 2 due to geography, and one due to her never living outside school or home.
Open matches:
The woman who's father is dying came into open communication. I left her a message telling her to call me when things settle a bit. I'm leaving the message open for awhile, seeing as it's probably going to be awhile before she reads it.
One match who hasn't answered the first set of questions yet.
It's been a slow, and somewhat freaky month on the eHarmony front...
Closed Matches:
One reached open communication, and immediately told me s/he couldn't have children. Which made me think... all of her photos had scarves around her neck, and the full-body photo was vague. She had an unusual occupation in a small town. I did a google search, based on her first name, occupation, and city, and I found another photo. With an Adam's apple and no appreciable breasts. CLOSE!
1 closed me, citing distance.
1 closed me, citing age difference.
I closed one due to lack of response.
I closed 2 due to geography, and one due to her never living outside school or home.
Open matches:
The woman who's father is dying came into open communication. I left her a message telling her to call me when things settle a bit. I'm leaving the message open for awhile, seeing as it's probably going to be awhile before she reads it.
One match who hasn't answered the first set of questions yet.
It's been a slow, and somewhat freaky month on the eHarmony front...
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