Want a date? Get a life.

A lot of my readers ask me, "What are some good places to take a date to?"

I answer politely... but most guys don't realize why that's such a bad question to ask.

Most guys, when they plan a date, try to impress a woman. They take them somewhere "nice", hoping that being "nice" will help them be with the girl.

Unfortunately, most women see "nice" as "doing whatever you feel like you need to do to get in my pants".

And asking, "What's a good idea for a date" puts you even further in that spiral of trying to be someone that isn't you, in the hope that the woman will think you're "nice".

I look at dates in a completely different way.

It's a chance to do something fun, and see how this woman fits in.

What's fun? That's different for everyone. What do you usually like to do on a weekend?

If you think that's too boring... maybe it's time to try some new things?

For me, some of my favorites are ethnic food and art shows.

Because... if a woman isn't interested in trying new foods... she's not adventurous enough for me.

And if a woman can't hold a decent conversation at an art show... It's a sign that we may not have too much in common.

And if she has a good time... I know that we have something in common.

A few tips on date selection:

• Don't strain your bank account. If you're a college student, very inexpensive or free dates are best. When I mentioned ethnic food - it's cheap, enjoyable, and presents absolutely no strain on my budget whatsoever. Expensive dates are a bribe.
• Choose an activity where you can talk, and where playful touch would be OK. Movies and shows are particularly bad places for early date venues, because it's difficult to have a conversation.
• Don't make the first dates long. An hour at the most. It's uncomfortable to sit with someone longer when you realize early on in the date that you don't enjoy each others' company...
• If you want to extend the date, consider changing venue. But don't make it a marathon. You want her to feel like the date was too short, not too long.

Just pick something where you have fun. Because you deserve someone who can also have fun sharing your life.

The whole system - an overview

Okay, you're starting to see how certain pieces of the eHarmony Cracked system fall into place... but some of you may still be confused about where we're going, and when.

An excellent question. So, today, I think I'll summarize. Here's how the system flows.

"About Me"
Average guy - Don't be offensive. I don't want a woman to reject me.
eHarmony Cracked - Casually talk about yourself. Don't worry about the criticism. Say interesting things about yourself... even if some women may lose interest.

Structured Communication
Average guy - Throw out some easy questions. Try to please everybody with your answers.
eHarmony Cracked - Realize that you're a great catch. Answer questions with confidence, and make her feel like she's being tested. And make her work for your attention.

Open Communication
Average guy - Give shallow compliments, tell her about how you know that you're right for each other. Answer her questions until she's comfortable enough to give you her phone number.
eHarmony Cracked - Express the feeling that you find some things interesting, but you haven't made a decision about her yet. And you're a busy guy, so, if you're going to get to know each other, phone numbers need to be exchanged.

Phone Call
Average guy - Lots of small-talk, answer more questions, build more comfort, try to get a date.
eHarmony Cracked - Only have time for a short talk, ask some questions. Keep her on her guard a little bit. You need to know more to figure her out... so you agree to meet up.

Date Planning
Average guy - Pick a stereotypical date that should please any girl. Impress her with how nice you are to her.
eHarmony Cracked - Plan to show her a piece of your life - what you like to do when you have fun. That way, you'll get to subtly evaluate how she'd fit into your life.

The Date
Average guy - Treat her nicely, don't do anything offensive. Hope that she'll like you back, because you're being so nice.
eHarmony Cracked - Start to let your guard down a little. Make her feel like she's starting to pass your tests... and see if the physical chemistry is there.

Beyond the first date
Average guy - Keep on being nice until she either becomes bored, or starts to become attached.
eHarmony Cracked - See if the two of you really fit. If you do, great. If not... there are plenty more.

And that's the system in a nutshell.

I'm putting my money where my mouth is!

There are a lot of websites, books, and devices out there designed to help people meet women online. Most of 'em are pretty bad, but I've learned from some of them.

There's one thing that none of these resources do, though.

At best, these "experts" will sometimes trumpet their success stories.

But they never let you know exactly how good they really are.

I can't say as I blame them. After all, if your percentage wasn't really impressive, people might decide not to buy your product, right?

Well... if you haven't noticed... I'm not making money here. (If I was preparing for a commercial release, I'd be giving away way too much of my material.) So... I think you deserve the truth.

And if you can prove to me that you can do better... you've got my attention. I'll start listening to your advice.

So, I'm putting up a weekly "War Journal". Starting now.

First of all, I'm running my search with a big handicap. I'm Jewish, and will only consider dating someone who is also Jewish. (And, for those who don't know... in online services, the only services with a decent Jewish population are jdate.com and eHarmony.) I live in a small city with a low Jewish population... so most of my matches will involve long-distance meetings.

I reopened my account on Saturday... how am I doing so far?

Old matches
Three old matches were "left over". (They didn't close me after I told them that I was seeking another relationship.)

I never initiated contact with two of those women. I reopened them, and sent my first questions. Neither has responded. (I suspect they're inactive... but let's see.)

One was in open communication. I sent her a message, and she's already responded. Seems enthusiastic, and I'll probably try to make phone contact this week. I'll keep you posted on this one.

Matches who I closed
8 matches would entail a drive over 4 hours one way. In my book, this prevents us from getting to know each other. I closed these matches.

One was a 3 hour drive away, but she's a medical resident. I figure that there's no way she'd have time to get to know someone in a long-distance relationship, so I closed.

One was a 3 hour drive away, but she's a graduate student. Sorry... but I exclude people from the dating pool who haven't lived on their own outside of school. I closed this one.

Matches who closed me
Only one so far. She's a 3 hour drive, and employed as a college professor. She said that the distance was too far. Her job probably isn't the slightest bit portable... so I don't blame her.

Started communication
One was actually less than an hour away. Unfortunately, there's no photo, and minimal entries in "About me". I suspect she's not serious... but, given that short drive, I'll leave her open for a bit.

Three others are a two hour drive away. I initiated communication, but no response so far.

In "open", but communication not initiated
There are three matches that are a little longer than a three hour drive. Otherwise, looking promising... but that drive looks harsh. I'll keep 'em on the side for now.

I'll give you updates every Monday...

P.S. You notice that I call it "meeting women online". I refuse to call it "online dating". Getting information about someone over the internet is not a date, in my opinion...

The best "step 3" questions...

Finally, you've reached Step 3 in structured communication.

Here's a great opportunity to (again) separate yourself from the pack, by showing that you have standards. Unlike the teeming masses that are just going through this step to get a chance to get into her pants, you can demonstrate that you're selective... and that she hasn't won you over yet.

So, what are the best questions to ask in step 3?

See that list of questions?

Don't ask them.

Okay, if you must, use one of them. But that's it.

When you ask one of the "stock" questions, she's seen it a million times. And she responds by giving a "stock" answer. If she's experienced in eHarmony, she's got her answers memorized, and she's typing them as a reflex.

You don't want that. You want her to think. You want her to worry a little bit whether she's meeting your standards. Because, when she does that, she's invested in the outcome.

If she has to work for you, she has to justify that work. And she'll justify that work by believing that you're worth working for. Just like the psychological experiment that I describe in the welcome package.

Unfortunately, I can't give you questions. Because, if I put them up, a million new guys will be using them. And the whole effect is blown.

But, I can give you an idea of what makes a good question.

First of all, it should be at least as challenging as the stock eHarmony questions. Remember the first time you saw them? You should work at least as hard (if not a tiny bit harder) as you did when you first answered them.

Second, don't be critical. If you challenge them on a "must have" or criticize something in their profile, only do it if you're ready to reject her. Because she'll probably reject you preemptively. Believe me, I learned this one the hard way.

Finally, put them in a "happy" spot. Not only do they have to think about their answer, but they need to be reflecting on something that makes them feel good, confident, satisfied, and happy. This way, she'll associate passing your tasks with feeling good. And that helps.

... And, definitely, don't air any baggage in these questions. You want to be selective, but positive, happy, and emotionally ready. Asking about breakups, "dealkillers" in past relationships, and so on... makes you look insecure. And that will be a dealkiller.

Stay tuned... Tonight, I'm starting a new feature.

Any last words?

Finally, we're down to the last section of "About me":

"Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?"

Many of the men on eHarmony use this section as their final opportunity to confess their faults and problems to potential matches. Hopefully, by now, you know better.

There are two things you might consider putting here.

The first thing is for some of our readers.

If you're looking to date women who are over 30, and you're dating more for entertainment than for "finding the one", I'd say it in this section. Most women in this age category have deliberately subscribed to eHarmony because of its promises to provide people with the "love of their lives". And they get quite angry when they find out that the man they've talked to is not commitment-minded.

If (and only if) you're facing this problem, I'd state, in this section, the type of relationship you are looking for. But I'd still end with a call to action.

Because everyone should close with a brief "call to action".

Let's face it. To read the last sentence of your profile, you've successfully captured a woman's interest. At least, to some degree.

Now, you need to tell her what to do next.

So, acknowledge her interest, and tell her to start communication.

Even something as simple as, "So, if you want to find out more... Let's communicate.", should do the trick. No need to make it more complicated than that.

I will return (as always) on Monday... have a great weekend!

Hey! What're YOU doing?

I've held off on discussing this section of the eHarmony profile, because most people do okay with it.

I said "okay". I didn't say they did well. Just okay.

The question is: "How do you typically spend your leisure time?"

I'd rephrase this question. A better way to phrase this question would be, "What things do you do that make you fun to be with?"

Well, first of all, almost no one can describe all of the interesting things that they do in such a limited space. So... don't be afraid to say that in the essay.

And everyone has a different definition of "fun". Use yours.

Remember when I talked about "headlights"? Tell them enough about your interests to be intriguing, but not so much that you tell the whole story. Make them want to ask questions about what you do. And, maybe a little excited about the possibility of joining you.

Another thing that you can do to separate yourself from the pack, is to avoid responding with the cliched, "I like to" (the rest of the list goes here). You want to write in a way that helps her draw herself into the picture. Saying things like "You'll find me/ see me" forces her to enter (and hopefully enjoy) your world.

So... bring her for a quick ride in your world. Just enough to whet her appetite.

From the labs: Ways to get more matches!

The more you communicate, the more you learn.

I've picked up a few techniques to get more matches out of eHarmony... Some of these, better tested than others. But, in the spirit of experimentation and improvement, here we go:

One of our readers, Steve, writes:

I noticed that they really throttled back the amount of matches they were giving me, like I would request more match's, it would come back and say we could not find any and then the next day it would email me like one match. But, something weird happened that I am testing right now.

That is...I went in and updated like one line in my profile, then requested matches and they gave me three new one's right then and there. Did the same thing the following day and the same thing happened. I am still testing, but I believe updating your profile may generate more matches. I'll let you know what I find.

Thanks, Steve! I'm sure our readers will help you figure out whether or not this works...

Also, from cruising the web, I discovered the "eHarmony Blog". The writer is really dedicated to getting as many matches as she can from the site, and discovered that hammering it with "find matches" requests... seems to work for her. In fact, she created an HTML script to automate the process of requesting matches every 10 minutes... Some of you may want to check it out. Oh, and, if you dig deeper into the blog, she does say that it's impossible for eHarmony to give you more than 6 matches daily using this method.

So... thanks for the advice, folks!

In the upcoming weeks, you'll see results from some experiments I'm trying to run:

• Could a comment in the profile make women more receptive to FastTrack requests? I plan to find out.
• You may notice that I haven't written about what to write in open communication yet. Unfortunately, my system (as is) is an extension of someone else's "online dating" system for other sites. I've tried to negotiate with this system's author for permission to put up my derivative version of his work. Unfortunately, he has refused my request. So... I'll be testing a new "open communication" system that does not build on his work. If you can prove to me that you've purchased his plan, email me, and I'll send you my modifications. (I don't think he can possibly object to that.)

More to come... stay tuned.