An online tip that will HURT you on eHarmony...

One bit of online advice that has hit the "seduction community" is the importance of setting standards in an online profile.

Some seduction gurus suggest "cold-reads". Saying that you're looking for something vaguely positive that most women will agree with. For example, "Someone who has a beautiful energy". Or vague references to being intelligent, or social. Which seem to imply standards... but, when you look closer, you can see that few women will disqualify themselves for being dumb, lazy, or unhappy with their lives.

Others suggest a laundry list of saying that you're "too good" for some of the parasites that hit online dating services. That you're not a sugar-daddy, and that you're not into head games or power plays, and so forth.

You'll notice that I've never suggested doing any of these things.

There's a reason. I've experimented with them. And every time that I've done this, my eHarmony response rate has always went down.

Now, I can't speak to what's effective on other services. And a lot of the guys making these suggestions run pretty rigorous experiments to prove that their advice is correct.

In the end, I've always done best with coming back to what the "About me" section is supposed to do - generate interest. Self-confidence is part of what generates that interest. And self-confident guys don't play with their guards up.

Think about it. You're about to go through guided communication and email. You, and every guy on this service has plenty of opportunities to make a woman qualify.

It's the rare guy that will make this process challenging, fun and social. And I've done a lot better when I've been open to getting to know a person better.

And, yes, I still will make judgements. But I'll judge them after you've learned something, rather than before.

It's different... but it's worked for me.

So, don't set demands in your profile. Just talk about yourself in a cool, casual, and intriguing way.

You'll be implying your standards anyway. And you don't need to be unfriendly about it.

I miss my wisdom tooth...

Sorry, folks. I've got way too much pain, swelling, and narcotics in my system to write today...

I'll probably feel better tomorrow.

Icebreakers? Don't waste your time.

Well, folks, it looks like eHarmony just added another new feature: The "Icebreaker".

Again, because it's so new, I don't have data on how to use this new feature yet. But it's very similar to features on other online dating sites, which are often called winks, smiles, teases, or flirts.

Essentially, this gives you the opportunity to send a brief, pre-written note to your match. And, if I understand this correctly, even non-members are allowed to send them.

So, let's take a look at the options that eHarmony gives us.

The vast majority of these options are just general signs of interest. These include:

• Just wanted to say, "Hi!"
• Your profile brought a smile to my face!
• Your profile got my attention... let's chat.
• It seems we live close to each other - let's talk.
• Would you like to chat?
• I'd love to chat!
• Wink!

The trouble is, when you use these, you're demonstrating that you're either too wimpy to engage in communication, you're a woman who (sort of) follows the "I don't call guys" rule, or that you're a nonmember. And, yes, folks who are experienced in meeting people online have repeatedly said that these icebreaker-type activities are ineffective. (And in my experience, I agree.)

Bottom line? If you're a guy, and you want to introduce yourself, don't be a wimp. Start communication. Don't waste your time with an icebreaker.

Yes, there are other categories of icebreakers for certain situations. The problem is? There are already better alternatives present within the eHarmony system. These include:

• Great pic... love to see more photos! (In my experience? This is best done in open communication.)
• Your profile caught my attention... would love to see a photo. (Picture nudges work fine.)
• Can't wait to get to know you... are you comfortable using Fast-Track? (Just initiate fast-track. If she has a problem with it, she'll say so. And, frankly, this question practically guarantees that she'll say no, IMHO.)
• I'd prefer to use guided communication. (Again, communicated effectively by declining the fast track, and initiating communication...)

But, if eHarmony feels like taking a suggestion? One icebreaker that might be useful would be, "Welcome to eHarmony... I'm looking forward to reading your profile when it's done!"

I'd actually use that one.

Rough seas ahead?

Well, folks... it's looking like the competition is about to get a little tougher on eHarmony.

Taking a look at the Quantcast data... it looks like membership has been dropping steadily.

Furthermore, the male/female ratio is becoming a little more even: It's at about 3:2 ratio for women to men. Which is still good - but it used to be 3:1.

And... spring is coming. Which, historically, is a slow time on eHarmony.

Bottom line? It looks like competition for the most desirable women might be fiercer than ever.

So, what can you do about it?

Probably, not that much. Continue to tighten your game.

And don't rely on eHarmony alone.

When Fast Track (almost) always works...

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you probably know that I keep my matches on a pretty tight leash. If they don't respond relatively quickly, I close them.

So, yes, once in a rare while (every couple of months, or so), I'll get a woman who sends a "Please reconsider", or, "If you met me..." final message.

I'll usually reopen a woman, if she asks.

And, if she's sending a message like that, it's usually a sign that she's interested.

So... I fast-track. And it's almost never failed. (The only failure was with a 45 year old woman, where I replied, "I don't think there's much relationship potential here... but you seem like you might make an interesting friend. Let me know if you're interested." My guess is she went to sour grapes on that one.)

As for the message? I usually keep it short. Something along the lines of, "Hey ____, glad to see you're back... so what have you been up to?"

She's expressed a lot of interest. Time to make her qualify for mine. :-)

Oooh... She's getting angry!

Sadly, it's easy for women to take things the wrong way when you communicate by email. And, once in awhile, women will become angry at the things they misinterpret.

So, how do you handle a woman who's becoming angry?

Here's my advice.

Don't write a hasty response
On those rare occasions that you'll get an angry letter, don't be in a hurry to respond.

Wait at least a day. And strongly consider waiting longer.

Think for a minute. If you're a guy who has a lot of women to meet, why do you want to give your time to someone who's acting hostile?

Take a few hours. Relax. And talk to the normal, happy women.

They deserve a lot more attention than the ones with hair-trigger tempers.

If she's over the line, just close.
If she's being abusive or threatening, she deserves no response. Close her. Period. And consider reporting her behavior to eHarmony.

And thank the lucky stars that you didn't actually meet.

Are there lessons to be learned?
Next, you should ask yourself, "Did I do anything to deserve this angry response?"

If it's something that you've done with a lot of other women - probably not.

But if you tried something new... you know not to try it again.

Your new goal: Walk away, and feel good doing it.
Bottom line? Once a woman turns hostile, attempting to meet her will become a futile effort.

And, really, why do you want to meet someone who's angry with you?

Your time is precious. Spend it with the people who are eager to meet you.

If you must express anger, do it through humor.
Maybe she's offended you in some way with her response. And you're resentful.

It's best not to address your anger at all when you respond. Because, when you act angry, you're telling her that her opinion matters.

She's a stranger. And a stranger that's probably nuts. Her opinion shouldn't matter to you.

If you must address her opinion, do it through humor. Exaggerate.

Something along the lines of, "Drat! You've foiled my evil scheme to...", and exaggerate her implication tenfold.

It still lets her know that she's out of line. And that you're at least unhurt enough to make a joke out of it.

Address her wound
Bottom line? If a woman has such a hair-trigger temper, there's usually a reason.

Go ahead and address her wound. Something along the lines of, "Anyway, it seems like you're pretty stressed out. Especially if you're attacking a guy who's just trying to get to know you a little better."

Tell her good-bye, for now
And, finally, yes. You can, and should tell her that you're not going to waste your time with someone who's so hostile.

But, again, you shouldn't give her the benefit of your anger.

I like to close with something along the lines of, "Anyway, you seemed like a (some genuine one-word compliments) woman... it's too bad that we've met when you're in such a bad emotional space. If you ever get back to a place where you're able to (whatever she should have done instead of blow a hissy fit), shoot me an email at _____.

But, no. Don't expect an email.

Ignore any hostile responses
If you write this message, you should feel good. That's the point of writing messages like this. You're not feeding into her anger - you're just quietly giving her hints to help her in the future.

But, some women might not be happy until you're angry. And you might get some more angry invectives.

Ignore them. You've said everything that you need to.

Close and block.

And move on to the women who are eager to talk to you.

When you ask for help...

When I started the eHarmony Cracked Google Group, I was pleasantly surprised by the enthusiasm and spirit of it's membership.

And, in general, people in the community like to help people who are learning the ropes. And I've been pretty happy with how the community has come to embrace it's new members.

But... sometimes, people ask questions, and wonder why they don't get replies.

When, the truth is, if they got replies, they might have to break the "please be civil" rule.

So, if you're a first time poster... here's some advice.

Show that you've read the information on the blog.
One of the most commonly unanswered questions falls along the lines of, "I've done something completely different from what the blog recommends... what small changes do I need to make?"

Actually, I'm glad that people experiment with ideas that don't come from the blog. And, a lot of times, even I learn new things from my members. And, yes, members do support fellow members who've done spectacularly stupid things...

But, if you don't show that you're even familiar with the information on the blog... most people don't want to go through the effort writing long essays repeating what I've already said.

Yeah, I know. There are a lot of articles. If you're new, I'd start from the earliest articles - those provide the basics.

In general, members are much less likely to answer questions like:

"I've just exchanged 16 messages with a woman, and spent hours on MSN with her, talking about the things we have in common... but I still can't get a date with her."

than,

"I know that Scott tells people to send letter #3 when a woman tells him to go to MSN chat... but I spend a lot of time on the service, and it might be easier than the phone. Has anyone made MSN work for them?"

The second poster demonstrates that he has some grasp of what's been said. People will wonder whether the first poster even bothered to read the blog before asking for help.

And if you disagree with a point on the blog? That's fine. It's good to reexamine topics once in awhile. But you need to show that you're at least familiar with what's been said.

Be specific
People are generous with their time on our group. But that generosity isn't infinite. And people don't like to write book-length essay answers to one-sentence questions.

So, if you ask, "How do I write a good profile?", prepare to be ignored. Or, at best, politely told to click the "Profile building" section, and read in reverse chronological order.

But "profile critiques" are a time-honored tradition on our Google group.

And "How do you think this will work..." questions can also provoke good conversation.

Check the archives
Finally, sometimes you'll have a question that's already been recently answered on the Google Group.

In general, it's best to look through the group, and see if your question's already been answered.

Stick to the topic
In general, eHarmony Cracked provides unique coverage of these topics:

• What things work (and don't work) on eHarmony.
• Transitioning from eHarmony into the first dates.
• Long-term relationships, and integrating PUA techniques into a long-term-relationship friendly frame.
• Discussion of the "Attachment model".

Our group probably is the best place to address these topics - other seduction-related boards simply don't cover them.

Other topics might generate some discussion in our Google group, and, in general, I don't censor topics unless they're both inflammatory and flagrantly off-topic. (For example, trying to start a heated political discussion.)

But, off-topic questions may not get the highest quality answers. Or people who are interested in carrying the discussion forward.

So, if it doesn't carry? Don't be upset. Outside of the topics that I've listed, there are plenty of other places on the internet. Many of which can provide better answers than our little group.