When the relationship is over...

Well, it's time for that article you've been asking for. The secrets of breaking up a relationship painlessly, and remaining great friends.

Tell you what. If you figure out how to do it, let me know. Because I'd like to learn.

All kidding aside, ending a relationship is a painful, soul-tearing experience. In fact, neuroscientists have demonstrated physiological changes that may bely the crushing, emotional experience that the break-up is.

So, it's hard. And that can't be avoided.

So, when it's time, treat her with respect. If you can, do it in person, in a place where she won't feel like you're publicly humiliating her. (In the extremely rare situation where you feel like she may threaten or harm you for breaking up with her, do it by letter, and get a restraining order.) Keep it brief, certain, and to the point. Don't argue. Just tell her what can't be worked out, that you're not negotiating, and let her know it's over. And leave her to her grief.

"Rational" things like picking up items, being friends, and so forth, can't be handled effectively while the shock of the breakup is in play. If you've got items to return, wait at least a day before talking about it. Sooner, only if she insists.

As far as being friends after the breakup? Don't talk about it during the breakup. She needs to recover from her grief, and you need to recover from yours first. This will take weeks, perhaps months. Not days.

After the time has passed, and you've really decided that you'd like to remain friends, go ahead and invite her to some things that you're doing with other people. And make it very clear that it's not a date, you're not interested in dating... but you thought that she might like joining the group for what you had planned.

If she accepts the invitations... there's a chance. If not, let it be.

But be careful. If you broke up with her, and she still wants you back, it can be an awkward relationship.

Like they always say, "Be careful what you ask for."

Maryann Says:

Fortunately I have very current experience with breaking up an intense relationship. So, here is my advice for the one who does the breaking:

1. Give hints that you are conflicted about the relationship for a day or two first. That could be dialing back on attention, affection, or it could be a conversation or email that expresses you “just aren’t sure.”
2. Do be clear, truthful, and kind. You can’t stop at “I’m just not sure.” You actually have to say something like, “as much as I have enjoyed getting to know you…” Actually get to the point!
   
3. If you want to be friends, say so. If you don’t, don’t pretend. Assume the person you are breaking up with is a whole, competent human being who doesn’t need false validation. Take an “I’m okay, you’re okay” position, not an “it’s not you, it’s me” approach. The latter is insulting.
4. Affirm what was good about the relationship and the person, briefly!
5. Don’t go silent. That is cowardly and cruel.
6. Don’t just close in eH and call that good, unless you are only at phone call stage or had one meeting that clearly didn’t go well. If you have had a decent date, be a decent person and thank him/her for a good time and wish her/him well.
7. Use the primary vehicle of communication in the relationship. If you see each other every day, then texting a break-up is not cool. But if you mostly communicate by email, then it is a fine way to end it, as well.

If you are the one broken up with:

1. Act like the mature person you wish you were.
2. Let him/her off the hook a little, with “I saw this coming.”
3. Be clear about whether it is okay for the person to contact you later if things should change. Again, do you want to be friends, or not? End it with class.
4. Always keep your sense of self worth by wishing the other well. Don’t do something you’ll regret, like begging or insulting or pouting.

The friend conversion

So... you've been on your eHarmony date.

The good news? She's into you.

The bad news? You're not so sure. She's a likable woman, who might be a decent friend... but she's not "girlfriend" material.

It happens pretty often. There can be a lot of reasons. Maybe the chemistry isn't there for you. Maybe she has problems that make you uncomfortable with a potential relationship. Or maybe you've established, very quickly, that you're looking for different things in a relationship.

For whatever reason... you've decided that you want this woman in the "Friend zone".

It's tricky. And I'll admit, it's still a sticking point for me. But I can share what's worked best for me so far.

First of all, if you're caught in a situation where you've gone on a few dates, but you haven't done anything that either of you would consider physically intimate... probably the best thing to do is leave it alone. Trust me, you're already in the friend zone, and it's unlikely to advance to anything different.

But if you've only had one or two dates... the lines are less clear. Things might be tense, and, often, tension can mean attraction. And, yes, attraction can lead to bruised egos when you say, "Let's be friends".

Like I said, tricky business. And, in the end, I only shoot around 50 percent. But, here are some principles to work with.

Going back to "Mystery Model" principles, providing comfort (in other words, talking about yourself, letting her know the "real you", and expecting the same back) in the absence of attraction, romantic tension, and physical escalation leads to the "friend zone". Which, in this case, is what you want.

So... put it into practice. When you realize that you want her in the friend zone, stop the physical escalation. Stop playing hard to get. If you've been touching her, find a way to quickly remark that you're a friendly guy, and people often take your touching the wrong way. And, if it's possible, without being rude, back away on kino escalation.

And start talking about yourself. Get to know her as a friend.

You'll have the basic ingredients set.

Finally, I like to lower the hammer over email, just because it's less confrontational. A little distance is a good thing, if you're letting her down. It gives her a better chance to recover gracefully than if you try to do it by phone or in person.

Send the letter the morning after the date. Just say that you had a nice time, and you enjoyed meeting her.

If you feel like she can easily accept the reason why you're not interested in pursuing her, go ahead and say it. For example, when you know that you're looking for different things out of relationships, giving that reason is something that women usually accept well. General "lack of chemistry" is something that women don't accept as well, and it would be kinder of you not to mention it as a factor.

Finally, say that, you don't think a relationship is really in the cards... but you'd like to stay friends.

And from that point on, treat her like a friend. When you're inviting a group of friends to meet, invite her along. (Obviously, hold off on anything that might remotely be considered a date for a good long time.) If she accepts, tell her to invite friends, if she wants.

And, if she doesn't accept your invitations after a few tries... move her to the card list, and see what happens from there.

Obviously, this can only work if you aren't already intimate.

But, what if you are?

I'll get into that in the next article.

Why do you want female friends?

Well, looks like there's a call on the Google Group for some articles on breaking up.

That's a pretty broad subject... it's going to take a few articles. And I'm far from perfect at the art myself. But, maybe I'm ahead of some of you. And maybe some of you are ahead of me, and you can educate us all in our Google group.

In a few cases, I'm going to talk about how you can maximize your odds of keeping the woman around as a friend.

But, why do you want women who are "just friends"?

Let me give you a few good reasons why female friends can be a very good thing.

• Most women genuinely appreciate honest opinions from men who aren't trying to hit on them. They're rare. And they usually return the favor.
• Speaking of which... I'm going to repeat something I've said before. If you want great advice on improving your appearance, go shopping with an attractive woman. They are brutal. But they're usually right.
• They provide proof that you don't see women only as sexual objects.
• They show a woman that you're the kind of guy who has options - and that she needs to compete for your attention.
• They provide proof that your affections are earned. And that most people don't make the cut.
• They provide proof that you're a friendly, social guy, who doesn't approach every woman with an agenda.
• You can introduce her to your friends. And your friends will know that you are desirable to a lot of women. And word will get around. So... you're raising your value.
  
• She can introduce you to her friends. Some of them might be dateable. And most of them would rather date a "friend of a friend" than a stranger.
• Some of her friends will become your friends. Who will be introduced to your friends, and will introduce you to their friends... and so on. There's just no downside here.
  
• They'll be your friend. Female friends are good for most of the same reasons that men are.

In short? Most pickup artists use variants of the line, "Beauty is common... tell me what makes you special". If you've got female friends, that's not a line. It's your reality. And that is a powerful thing.

The eHarmony Blog is back...

Guess what just reappeared in my RSS reader? It looks like the (completely unofficial) eHarmony Blog is back.

For those who didn't know about it before - it's a pretty good site. We complement each other well. In eHarmony Blogland, they're the Weekly World News. (This site? It's the mutant lovechild of Dear Abby and the Colbert Report.)

Anyway... check them out!

Time to abuse some eHarmony statistics...

Recently, I've discovered a pretty nifty website - Quantcast.com. Apparently, these guys, somehow, manage to combine web traffic statistics with demographic data. Unfortunately, I don't know much about the accuracy of their results, but it does give us another way to look at eHarmony.

Now, don't get the wrong idea. I don't think you should customize your profile to the statistical data. You need to customize your profile to say who you are, and what you're looking for. And you shouldn't be looking for the average eHarmony customer.

But, sometimes, statistics can be handy. So... here we go.

• Yes, they verified the fact that the site attracts women better than it attracts men. Good for us guys.
• Less than 10% log in daily. Proving that you need to be patient with your matches...
  
• It attracts a higher percentage of people from the ages 25-54 than from other demographics. (Yawn.)
• It attracts a higher percentage of people who are college or graduate-school educated than the "average" website.
• Unfortunately, higher education doesn't necessarily mean high income. eHarmony attracts a lower than average number users making above $60,000/year, and a higher than average number of those making less. Sorry, gold-diggers. Stick to millionairematch.com.
• Surprise, surprise. Despite some attempts to show multiracial couples in its commercials, it attracts more Caucasians than the average website, and fewer African-Americans. And the news gets even worse for Hispanics (who are more than 25% less likely to visit this site than the average website), and Asians (who are more than 50% less likely to visit this site than the average site.)

And, if that abuse of statistics isn't enough... combining Quantcast data with Alexa.com data reveals:

• eHarmony folks really like movies. Over 1% have visited universalpictures.com (6.2 times average), followed by filmcritic.com (3.1 times average), movies.com (3.5 times average), and paramount.com (3.4 times average).
• The television data surprised me. Although people on eHarmony do visit chick-friendly sites like wnetwork.com and hallmarkchannel.com more than most people... we're still talking about less than half of 1% of eHarmony visitors. However, FX's website does very well (1.4% of eHarmony visitors have been there). And ESPN's extreme sports site pulls in eHarmony viewers at 3.6 times average.
  
• Good news? More eHarmony viewers visit victoriasecret.com (.01%) than fashionbug.com (.007%). Bad news? They're both trounced by Discount Shoe Warehouse's site. (.03%)

Okay, just a couple more statistics to abuse, folks...

I also had a look at advice.eharmony.com. Hey, they've got a lot going for them. They're a multimillion dollar venture-capital funded company. They've got a team of professional web architects, writers, and PhD trained psychologists. And, according to Quantcast, they've got a lot of linkage from the web's 518th most popular site. (For the less-intelligent folks out there... that's eHarmony.)

The ranking of advice.eharmony.com? They're number 2,018,984. I guess that's not bad, considering that they rank 20,267,977 sites.

But, this site, with no money, a totally unprofessional writing staff of two and a half, and a web experience designed to scare away all but the most dedicated... ranks at 1,098,055.

Hey, venture capitalists! Wanna send some of their money to me?

A man of accomplishment? It don't mean jack!

On an (otherwise unexceptional) eHarmony date a few weeks ago, I'd thrown out one of my usual conversation topics - our eHarmony experiences. Due to a bit of luck, use of the fast-track, and the eHarmony blog script, I was the first guy she actually met since rejoining the service. However, she did mention one thing that made me think.

Her comment? "I'm sure getting matched to a lot of doctors and lawyers."

Of course. It should have been obvious. After all, she had a Master's degree, and eHarmony seems to give a lot of weight to educational status in it's matching algorithm.

I just never thought of what it was like from a woman's perspective.

But, for some men (fortunately, not me), this fact can change your strategy.

Outside of eHarmony, being a "man of accomplishment" is still a pretty weak way to impress a woman. Because, the way most guys use it, it's a bribe.

But in eHarmony, it doesn't even serve as a signal of high value. Because, if women are getting lots of people with advanced degrees and high-powered careers because of their own educational status... you're not going to separate from the pack that way. In fact, you're probably competing with people who are more accomplished than you are. And that makes your "bragging" look downright pathetic.

Again, it comes down to core principles.

Men of accomplishment are common on eHarmony.

Confident, fearless, and intriguing men... they're rare.

Quirky Girl Says:
Scott hit the nail on the head. My experience is much like his date's experience. I have a Master's degree and am in a healthy income bracket thanks to my career. Who do I get matched up with? C-level execs, doctors, lawyers, business owners, and apparently all the single men at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. (Not that I mind, of course.)

But I confess that this fortuitous matching has caused me to revert to a selection process influenced greatly by early-childhood techniques--I look at all the pretty pictures while the profile text fades into the background (to a point). You see, I already know what the profile says; I've read it all before. I know that if this rocket scientist doesn't work out, there's an astronomer right behind him who may pique my interest. After a while, they start to look the same.

We're likely "competing" against others with similar accomplishments for the same matches. Who you are on paper is interesting, but it's what's not on paper that really makes you fascinating. A rocket scientist who brags about himself all night bores me, but a rocket scientist who can make me laugh with his witticisms rocks my world. I've been pleasantly surprised by how down-to-earth some of the men I've dated are and turned off by the ones who love themselves a little too much for there to be room for me.

My advice: Be proud of your accomplishments--don't hide them--but don't rely on them to impress your date. Instead, show her how multi-dimensional and captivating you are. Show her what makes you uniquely you--that's how you'll stand apart from your competition.

Hitting on Scott Grey: A simple guide

At times, I sit back and marvel at the strange life this blog has taken.

At first, I thought this would be an easy "dumping ground" for my adaptations of pickup technique, applied to eHarmony. And I didn't think that too many women would be interested in what I had to say.

Well, I think this blog has outgrown its old purpose. It's become a social gathering place for men and women who use eHarmony and want to improve their dating lives.

And, well, since women are reading the blog... a few do decide to hit on me.

Hey, I don't mind. And I don't blame them either.

So, in my continuing efforts to educate, entertain, and let a few women down easy... I'm going to break away from eHarmony for just one column... and give advice on how to hit on me.

For casual meetings:
Hey, I'm a friendly guy. I'm always up for meeting fans of the blog. Men and women. But I'm not willing to travel. (Well, never say never. But it would have to be for something truly worthwhile. Or for a lot of money.) If you live (or you're visiting) the midwest, and you want to get together to chat sometime... go ahead and email me. If our schedules mesh - sure, we can get together and hang out.

And, please. Try not to jump me. At least, not right away. I know, it's hard to resist... but you need to show a little restraint. Okay?

If you want more than a friendly meeting...
If you're looking for more than a casual meeting... Yes, I'm single, I'm available, and I'm willing to meet folks. But I don't get into relationships with just anybody.

First of all, I'm going to eliminate the vast majority of you. If you don't live within reasonable traveling distance from me (again, I live in the midwest)... let's stick to casual meetings. Sorry, no woman is worth the cost, time, and hassle of regular air travel.

Also, as I've mentioned many times on the blog, I only date Jewish women.

So, there. I've eliminated 99% of you already. Sorry, ladies, try to handle the disappointment. And if you're having trouble, google "Oneitis". Trust me, there are plenty of great guys out there.

But, let's suppose that you're one of the 1% that meet these criteria. You've read my blogs, you think you might like me, and you wonder if you still have a chance.

Okay, here are the hurdles you'll have to overcome:

• If you've read my blog, you know a lot about me. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about you yet. Essentially, your job is the same as the job you have to pull on an eHarmony profile - to let me know enough about you to raise my interest level.
• You have to let me know (somehow) that you're Jewish, and live in the midwest.
  
• I try to be friendly to my readers. It's in my nature to try to help folks. Ordinarily, these would be indicators that a guy is interested... but if I'm treating you like I treat any other reader, it's courtesy - not interest.
• I don't hit on women who email me, unless they're leaving signs that they're interested. Again, it's part of being a gracious host. I value my female readers and participants. And hitting on them (when they've left no indication that such an advance would be welcomed) is a sure way to make them uncomfortable.

So, how do you overcome these problems?

I'll leave that up to your feminine wiles.

Have fun!