Ask about her strengths!

It's a workplace reflex. At work, men find problems, attack problems, and make problems go away.

But, on eHarmony, you're not attacking a problem. You're meeting a woman. And, like I said in my last column, attacking or interrogating a woman can be a very ineffective strategy. At least, if you do want to get to know her better.

But... on the other hand, you do want to show that you're a selective man, who isn't going to fall for a woman just because a computer said that you'd be a good match. Or, just because she managed to put up some hot photos. You also want her to start feeling like she has to sell herself in order to earn your attention.

So, how can you do both with the same set of questions?

Simple. Don't ask about her weaknesses. Ask about her strengths.

In her profile, she's (hopefully) started to talk about her passions and her interests. People like to talk about them. Ask for more. Or ask for details.

Believe me, I've tried interrogations about women's faults in the past. But, when I started asking about strengths instead, women became more comfortable. They still felt like I needed to learn more about them to make up my mind. And they enjoyed giving me what I wanted.

And when a woman, as a result of answering your questions, feels a little more proud and secure about herself... she begins to associate those good feelings with you.

And that's a very good thing.

But, what if you can't wait until later to address a negative issue?

We'll talk about that tomorrow.

The "Sour grapes" syndrome - and why you must avoid it.

Faithful readers of my blog will be pretty familiar with my usual dogma: To be successful on eHarmony, you need to present a woman with a challenge.

If you give yourself away to a woman with only token resistance... she's going to think that you aren't worth that much. It doesn't feel good to be with a man who has no standards.

If she has to work for your attention, she has to justify that investment. And she'll justify that by believing that you're worth it. And, when she does earn your attention, she feels good. She feels that she accomplished something that's worthwhile.

Setting achievable goals are central to building attraction on eHarmony.

However, when you set goals that are too difficult, you run into a different problem. If a woman sees a situation that she feels like she can't win, it does not build attraction. Like the fox in Aesop's fable, she'll look at the grapes she can't reach, and will decide that they're not worth the effort. And you'll get closed, as she goes for the grapes that don't look so sour.

Here are some easy ways to get a self-esteem blowout:

• Ask picky questions about her must haves/can't stands list.
• Ask questions about psychological weaknesses that you're seeing.
• Demand things that she's implied that she's uncomfortable in providing.
• Argue with her about something that she said.
• Accuse her of being too extreme about something.
• Anything that comes across as a negative judgement, demand, accusation, or argument.
  

I'm not saying never to look at a woman's potential weaknesses. But, if you ask about them during structured communication, or over email, she is very likely to close you. (Which may not be bad, but you need to expect it.) These are issues that are better discussed on the phone or on the date. Your vocal tone and body language will make you look a lot less hostile when you ask the most difficult questions.

What are some better questions to ask? That's the subject of our next column... stay tuned!

Be a novel, not an encyclopedia.

When you read something for pleasure, do you like to pick up an encyclopedia, or a novel?

Encyclopedias are great tools. When you want an answer given to you quickly, you can look it up. Then you put the encyclopedia away, and leave it alone until you have another question.

They provide good answers, but little entertainment.

When you read a novel, though, you don't get instant answers. A good novel will dangle unsolved questions in front of you. They'll give a few false leads. And, every once in awhile, just to keep you from becoming completely frustrated, they'll throw you a piece of the puzzle. But you won't see the resolution until you're done with the book. Or, if they're particularly cruel, a series of books.

Good novels keep us in suspense. And we enjoy reading them.

So, what does this have to do with eHarmony?

Well, if you haven't noticed, you're getting asked a lot of questions. And, since we're guys, we usually answer questions like we do at work - Answer the question quickly, succinctly, and completely. And it's the right thing to do at work - who wants to waste time?

But, when you're trying to attract a woman, you want to be the novel.

Don't completely frustrate a woman by providing non-answers. And don't be dishonest. You want to look real and genuine.

But you don't always have to provide complete answers. Just enough to keep her interested. And you can throw a few tangents into your answer. Things like, "You know, this reminds me of _____. I'll have to tell you about that sometime."

Be a good novel, and she'll keep reading. Be an encyclopedia, and she'll lose interest quickly.

War Journal,5/14/07

Well, here's what's going on in my little eHarmony universe...

The two women who, last week, had "stalled" their communication at stages 2 & 3 hadn't progressed, even after a nudge. So, they were victims of the Thursday night purge...

The woman in open communication is moving. Slowly, but moving. I've given her my phone number, we'll see if she's ready to move past her last bad eHarmony date. And if not, there's more where she came from...

I've got 2 new matches. One hasn't responded (although, since she used the old personality test, she could be an abandoned profile), and I'm waiting for the next one to write her first open communication message.

About that personality profile...

You've worked hard to craft the perfect "About me" profile. One that shows you at your best. One that's intriguing, strong, and inviting. And you've put up photographs that demonstrate the qualities that you display in your essays.

Bottom line? You've got a great lure, for the right person.

You also have eHarmony's computer-generated, somewhat accurate, unflattering, uninviting, and unintriguing statements about yourself. And, in eHarmony's wisdom, they ask if you want to share it with your matches.

Really... why would you want to do this?

I can't think of any good reasons.

Again, the purpose of the profile is to generate interest. The personality profile does not do this. And I've never had a woman ask me to reveal it. Ever.

And, do yourself a favor. Don't ask for hers, either. It makes you look like you don't have the social skills to figure her out by yourself.

From the Labs: The Thursday Night Purge

Before giving this tip, I do have to qualify it quite a bit. I am using religious preferences that eliminate 98% of the match pool. So, a lot of my matches are long-distance. And I'd imagine that a lot of candidates also aren't willing to do the long-distance thing. So... I don't get that many matches. And I do run the eHarmony Blog script. (And didn't notice this pattern until I started running it.)

Now, having said that, I've noticed an unusual distribution scheme.

Almost all of my new matches come on Fridays. A few more come on the weekend. It's rare that I get a new match on a weekday.

It's an interesting pattern. And I'm exploiting it. And, actually, saving myself a lot of effort.

Basically, if a person isn't responding to communication, or looks like they might be a "scam" or "dead" profile... I'll give them until Thursday night to get their act together.

But, on Thursday night... it's time to clear the dead wood. They're keeping me from getting new matches. So, when Friday rolls around, and my list is almost empty... eHarmony usually does a good job of bringing in more suitable replacements.

So, if you're noticing the same pattern that I have... give the Thursday Night Purge a try. And let me know how it works for you.

It's a good feeling to know that the undesirables can be replaced so easily...

Maryann Says:

Scott wrote: It's a good feeling to know that the undesirables can be replaced so easily...

Boy, oh boy, ain’t that the truth! Life gets better when we take control! When you have plenty of other matches in the works, even really great matches that close don’t hurt so much. In fact, sometimes I don’t even have time or interest in looking back at his “About Me” introduction to see which one he is. Who cares? He’s gone. I’m moving on.

Here is my experience with managing matches. After reading Scott’s blog and the Discussion Board, I decided I’d just give in and initiate communication. If guys want me to chase them, fine. It fits my personality anyway. I go after what I want. If that intimidates a match, he probably couldn’t handle me anyway.

So, for the past week I have promptly dealt with each match as it came in. I initiate communication, put on hold to test whether it is an active profile, or close. By dealing with every match, I consistently get seven new matches a day. If I have even one “new” match, I can’t get any more.

My match settings are pretty open. Because I commute every week in two directions, I can seriously consider matches up to three hours away. Also, I have a wide range of ages, am very open about religion, etc.

Having so many matches is empowering! Plus, it feels good to give even marginal matches a chance. I only close when it is clear it could NEVER work! My best date so far started out as a marginal match. He was way better than his profile!

Good luck,

Maryann

Fresh from the lab: A new trick to get better pictures!

From time to time, I shake my head, and marvel at how subtle pressures can have such a dramatic impact...

Faithful readers have probably read my advice regarding matches who don't supply pictures - basically, don't show her yours until she either supplies one, or you're exchanging must haves/can't stands. And this worked pretty well.

Lately, though, I haven't had to do this.

I've added just a couple of lines to my profile. And now... no one goes that far in communication without providing photos.

In fact, people who only provided a headshot, after reading my profile, add more pictures.

So, what are the lines that I added?

They came at the bottom of the profile... the call to action.

"I look forward to communicating with you... Well, most of you, anyway. ;-) (If you think that last sentence is odd, ask me about the swell GUY that I met on eHarmony.)"

Yup. They realize that they need to prove that they're not a guy. So - they're providing the pictures to prove it. I don't even need to ask.

And, no, I'm not noticing any more closes since I started using this.

I still consider this "fresh from the labs", in that I haven't done this for very long. But so far, the results are looking promising.

But don't copy it word for word. Make it fit your personality, profile, and experience.

Another "From the labs" development tomorrow...