Musterbation - how it can be deadly to your mental game.

One common theme I've noticed from people who are unsuccessful with women, both on and off off eHarmony? They're quick to complain about how women act. Common themes? "They should...", "Why don't they....", "Don't they realize..."

So, because you're doing badly, you can claim to know what's best for other women? I don't think so.

I call this attitude "musterbation". And it's a barrier to your mental well-being. Because you can't allow your self-esteem to be dictated by what a woman decides to do, or what not to do.

Does a woman have to provide photos? No. And you have the right to decide whether you want to meet with a woman who won't provide them. (But, tomorrow, I'll share something I've done that provides a nice nudge in the right direction...)

Does a woman have to respond to your requests for communication? No. If you're talking about a few... well, some women aren't going to like you. And you don't want to waste time or energy with women who don't show interest. And if it's most women... it's still not their fault. It's probably because you're doing something that's failing to attract interest.

Does a woman have to respond in a certain timeframe? No, but you don't have to waste time on sluggards.

You can't control what women are going to do. You can only control how you behave. So, behave with dignity and self-respect.

Reversing the failure spiral : Take your head out of the game.

In our last column, we talked about the problems people have when they're in the "failure spiral". It's a tricky place - when you're doing badly, you start to think about why you're doing badly, you cover up (even further signaling your emotional state), leading to doing worse... etc.

And in our last paragraph, I talked about how important it is to take a step back, when you're in this state. And taking a break is usually a very good idea.

When you've settled down a little bit, and you're feeling better about yourself... it's time to start over.

When you're in the "failure spiral", you make a lot of changes... and almost all of them make you look worse.

So... it's time to start over.

My advice is designed for people who are starting "at the bottom". Start with your profile, and follow my communication advice like you're a social robot. For now.

Follow my instructions to the letter. Don't try adding anything. Because, when you're in a failure spiral, anything you add will probably be wrong.

You won't do fantastically well with the "social robot" approach. But you'll do a lot better than you did before.

And once you start to succeed, you'll have a basis for understanding when your changes are succeeding, and when they're not.

One final bit of advice for people in the spiral tomorrow...

War Journal, 5/7/07

Here's this week's "action" on eHarmony...

What happened to matches from last week?
The one that provided minimal answers? (Specifically? The full answer to what she was passionate about was "I am most passionate about", and her answer to most influential person was "Come back to this")? Well, she did provide a hot picture. Not enough for me. Could this be a new "scammer" technique? I'm not going to wrack my brain about it - even if she's real, she's not worth communicating with. Closed.

The other two are still open, but moving pretty slowly. I'm still waiting for phase three answers from one (who just got nudged this morning), and still waiting for must haves/can't stands from the other.

My date - went as expected. I was in Chicago anyway, and would not have visited her otherwise... and during the date, she didn't make me feel any better about her. Oh well...

What about the new players?
There were 2 new matches. I'm waiting for one to write her first open communication message, and the other went on hold due to no photos and minimal answers.

In a failure spiral? Step away from the computer!

Lately, I've been getting a lot of email from people in what I call the "failure spiral".

It's a vicious cycle where people start to fail. They become more self-conscious. They try harder, not realizing that, by doing so, they start to look more desperate. Which just makes their results worse. Which makes them try even harder... you get the idea.

And I can see that it's hurting a lot of you. Although I'm tempted to quote some letters... I think it might be embarrassing. And, if you're a letter-writer, and you think that I'm talking specifically to you, I'm not. I get a lot of these letters.

The first thing you need to do - refocus.

You can't let your results on eHarmony determine your self-worth.

You're making mistakes. That's okay. eHarmony isn't helping you - they want people to believe that they're an effortless solution. Popular culture isn't helping you - their view of how to attract people is based in fantasy, not reality. The sad fact is, there are few people who effectively teach men how to do better. So, it's not your fault that you're doing badly.

And you're not going to reverse the spiral overnight.

So, the first step? If you're feeling anything other than indifference or amusement... step away from the computer.

If your emotions are really raw, consider taking a break from eHarmony.

If you can't do that, limit your time. Logging on twice daily is plenty. An hour a day (total) on eHarmony-related pursuits is a lot of time - don't spend more than that. If you have to, redirect your eHarmony email to a different account. And if running the eHarmony .html script is too much of a temptation for you... shut it off.

And in the time that you're not on eHarmony... do things that make you happy. And have a great life.

Because quality women don't want to be with a man who builds their entire life around eHarmony.

More advice on reversing the "failure spiral" when I return on Monday...

After the high...

As I said in my last article, most relationships have a "high period" during the first 6-12 months. During this time, your brain is pushing out pleasure chemicals, just by being around (and intimate with) your girlfriend.

And, during this time, it's hard to really evaluate how stable a relationship is. Your brain chemistry is, literally, fighting you every step of the way.

So, relax. Have a great time.

By the end of the "high period", you're seeing the relationship a little more rationally.

You probably don't see your girlfriend as "perfect" any more. You're seeing her faults.

If it's a good relationship, you're getting along great anyway. If not... there's a dark side to this phase.

Although this drug may not be providing as much of an ecstatic high anymore... it's absence causes a lot of pain. And, yes, neurochemical changes are also prominent when a long-term relationship goes sour. There's a reason you're depressed when it happens.

But, this short-term withdrawal is still better than staying with someone who you can't be happy with.

So, what's the mental frame for this phase?

"This seems like it's working. Let's see if we can keep it that way." And, if so, this is a good period for moving in together, planning marriage, and so forth.

To a lot of you, that future seems a long way away. A lot of you are struggling with the beginning... and we'll talk about that tomorrow.

Navigating "the high"

You've been through the courting period - and you clearly like each other.

It's a great feeling.

Not only is it the stuff of poetic inspiration... it's a scientifically validated fact.

During the first six months to a year, your relationship causes your brain to synthesize neurotransmitters providing you with that sense of romantic bliss.

Enjoy the rush... because it's not permanent.

If you're unlucky, you might get an email newsletter, where Neil Clark Warren tells you that he's fully confident that it's safe for you to make a marriage proposal within the first two months of your relationship.

I just can't agree. You're still on a chemical high. And it clouds your thinking.

So, how do you navigate this period?

Enjoy it. Don't do anything stupid. And don't sacrifice your well-being for the sake of the high.

In the courting period, I recommended a mental frame of, "I'm interested in a relationship... but I'm not sure if I even like you yet."

In this phase, the frame changes. You like her... but you don't really know her yet. And time will tell.

So, what happens after the high wears off? That's coming tomorrow.

A model for the long-term relationship

Inspired by reader suggestions (and positive response to "long game" posts), I started to do a little research, to see what models there might be for understanding and navigating the long-term relationship.

Obviously, the pickup artist literature is a bad place to look. Off the top of my head (correct me if I'm wrong, guys?), I can't think of any contributors to the literature who are in healthy marriages. Their contribution (and only contribution) is in how to generate the initial attraction necessary to start a relationship.

But, "failure stories" do get told about how attraction can be lost, if you start compromising yourself, putting the woman on a pedestal, and becoming too much of a "puppy dog".

So... I'm thinking that it's time to expand the models, and provide at least some initial guidance. At least to avoid becoming either a "player for life" (if that's not what you want), or a woman's tool.

Looking at the psychological literature, one decent, well supported model does seem to shed some insight into the structure of the long-term relationship.

To adapt the literature, there seem to be four phases - The "mating dance", the "high period", the "comfort period", and marriage.

The "mating dance"? That's most of what we write about. It's the period where you see if you're attracted to each other, and at least become comfortable enough to realize that there are no obvious and major barriers to a relationship. I'm not going to spend much time on that. In this series, anyway.

I'll talk about the "high period" tomorrow... as well as some theoretical frames to help you navigate it.