Profile Clinic: Stop... talking... please!

In my blog, I've repeatedly written about the profile's true purpose: To create just enough interest for a woman to start working to get to know you better.

Some people provide too little detail to engage interest. Some provide too much.

I'll admit, it's a fuzzy concept. Unfortunately, I can't come up with some set-in-stone way to measure whether a profile's detail is "enough".

But, luckily, in our Google Group, Todd provided us a profile that falls squarely on the side of "too much". And gives me an opportunity to illustrate when he's reached that point.

I won't go through his entire profile - my criticism would get repetitive, and, yes, his profile IS long.

But, let's take one of the sections, where he describes the woman he's looking for:

The most important thing to me is excited curiosity. You are someone who is fun at heart and curious about the world. Your eyes sparkle when you are happy and your smile lights up a room. You might be a bit of a geek at heart (not in the tech way, but in the crafty retro/mod way). You have read Craft, ReadyMade and might have heard of Make. You enjoy being outdoors for a walk on the beach or a weekend of car camping. You like to read but also have TV shows you enjoy too. If you enjoy boardgames and logic puzzles even better!

This reminds me of an old joke about a little boy who spends days digging through a pile of manure, smiling and laughing. One day, a guy asks the boy, "Why are you so excited? You're just digging through a pile of manure!"

The boy replies, "With all this manure... there's got to be a pony here somewhere!"

Okay, there's a pony here. Let's find it.

The most important thing to me is excited curiosity.

A good, assertive start. But not enough detail to provide interest, in my opinion. At least not yet.

You are someone who is fun at heart and curious about the world.

Okay, he's demonstrating that he's someone who can mirror a woman who has energy, a sense of fun, and curiosity. Most women would value that. He's made his point.

He could stop here. I would. (I'd just clean up the text a little bit.)

Let's go on:

Your eyes sparkle when you are happy and your smile lights up a room.

If he stopped here, I think it would still be okay. But I think it's still just as strong (if not stronger) without it.

You might be a bit of a geek at heart (not in the tech way, but in the crafty retro/mod way). You have read Craft, ReadyMade and might have heard of Make.

Now, we're running into problems.

First, there's some weaseling. And it kills the assertiveness that he's built so far.

Next is a more difficult problem.

He's setting a standard that most women won't feel good with. Even most geeks feel a little bit of shame.

Now, if he really wants an unashamed geek-girl, more power to him. But, as I've mentioned yesterday, eHarmony is not the best place to look for women with narrow interests.

If he doesn't... why is he putting it here? Especially when he could have stopped 2 sentences ago?

You enjoy being outdoors for a walk on the beach or a weekend of car camping.

First of all, most women will interpret "walk on the beach" as a cliched romantic bribe. And if that's the best of what you offer... not many women will be interested. These need to be avoided.

Car camping? Again, you're really narrowing the field. Again. Be very careful and deliberate when you do this.

You like to read but also have TV shows you enjoy too.

I don't really know what this sentence adds. It does cut down on the excitement that a "short and punchy" response would bring.

If you enjoy boardgames and logic puzzles even better!

Again, narrowing the field, and admitting this isn't really important. And pulling the emphasis away from something that was "catchy". Why do it?

Anyway, thanks, Todd, for letting me use your profile.

And I hope that this helps to illustrate when you've reached "interesting enough"... and when you've gone past that point.

Have a "narrow" search? eHarmony ain't your best bet.

Lately, one of the most common problems voiced in the Google Group is one saying, essentially, "I just don't get matches like the ones I'm looking for."

But, then, you take a look at the criteria they're espousing... It's easy to see why they're having such trouble.

From my understanding, eHarmony proposes that two people are a match when it's models predict that they will be in the top 25% in relationship satisfaction.

That's eHarmony's model. Not yours. And eHarmony's model is based on an overall assessment of multiple psychological traits.

Now, it stands to reason that, if it's only matching you with the "top 25%", that means that you won't see the bottom 75%. So, by using eHarmony, you're already allowing them to make choices that you wouldn't necessarily make.

Now, if you want to make that even narrower - your search is going to be much more challenging.

Say... you're only interested in people who share very narrow interests with you.

Or, you're only willing to talk to the 9's and 10's.

Or, you're only interested in folks that earn a six-digit salary.

That's fine. But eHarmony isn't designed to help you find these niches. And you might be better off meeting people through a more specialized website. Or in (G-d forbid) real-live groups that are populated with the women that you're interested in.

Anyway... sorry. But, when you sign up for eHarmony, you are buying into their model that you'll be happier by not meeting the 75% of the population that significantly differ from you in their list of core psychological traits.

For me, it's been a helpful service.

But if you're not willing to meet people outside of your narrow focus... eHarmony probably isn't the way to go.

Humor: How to use it

Speaking of the things that women say they like... a sense of humor is a common one.

And, yes, a sense of humor is a good thing.

A guy's capacity for humor says a lot about his strength as a human being. That he can face adversity with a smile. That he's social. That he can influence the emotions of others.

All good, idealizable traits.

Unless it's done wrong.

The fact is... yes, a lot of women's profiles and must haves/can't stands lists include humor.

So, as a response, many men try to be funny.

They'll say (and often repeat) in their profiles how funny they are, without demonstrating any humor. Which, immediately, seems ingenuine.

Or, they'll force a joke into the context of their profile or communications. Which makes them look like they're desperate to create some kind of appeal. And, in the process, destroying any idealization they've built.

Can humor be used in a profile? Absolutely. But it should be a subtle spice. It should look spontaneous, not forced.

And, if you're going to use humor, you need to demonstrate it. Not just tell people that you're funny.

Because, let's face it. A guy who has to say that he's funny... probably isn't.

Need to learn approach? eHarmony isn't the way to learn.

eHarmony can be appealing to people who are anxious about meeting women.

And a lot of guys have reasons for that fear to be natural. They may be leaving a long-term relationship or marriage. And that relationship may have been hellaciously bad.

And it does seem a lot easier to meet women on eHarmony.

You don't have to face rejection in person.

And if you're still awkward in starting conversations, guided communication can seem like a comfort.

But, really? If you're just starting to date again, eHarmony isn't the best way to re-learn (or, in some cases, learn) these skills.

The fact is, anxiety gets better when you face the anxiety. Over and over again. Until the anxiety finally goes away. Or gives way to excitement.

Conversational and attraction skills improve with practice. And there's no substitute for that practice.

Unfortunately, eHarmony will slow your ability to meet women, and get the practice that you need.

So, if you need to get over your anxiety... get your feet wet. Don't rely on eHarmony (and, definitely, don't rely on this website) as your only source to meet women.

Remember, there's a reason why the internet Pick-up artists started in the bar.

It wasn't because "bar chicks" are better than other women.

It's because you can introduce yourself to a lot of women quickly, without looking weird.

Now, I'm not saying you have to start in the bar. Or even go to the bar.

But, remember, the only way to build skill and defeat anxiety is practice.

One hitch with "Hot or Not" ratings

In many of my older articles, I refer to the "Hot or Not" website as a way to evaluate your eHarmony photos.

I also said it wasn't the best way, but it does produce an objective number.

Well, I've discovered one new hitch to look out for.

When you get your rating (and, in my experience you need 100 people to rate you before scores become reliable), check the "Best of Hot or Not" page.

At the bottom of the page, you'll see if anyone nominated you for "Best of Hot or Not".

Well... tastes vary. But, when you've been nominated, a lot more people will see your picture on the "Best of Hot or Not" page, in the "recently nominated" section. And if they're intrigued, they'll often click on you for a closer look.

The problem? You'll get more interest from people who are already digging your look. And that will artificially inflate your score.

So, if you get one (or two) nominations, you might want to rerun a "Hot or Not" screen to see how you do when you're not nominated. The score is likely to be more realistic.

... But, if you keep on getting nominated, I'd keep that picture. :-)

But I'm perfect! Why did she close me?

It's the eHarmony beginner's lament.

A profile catches the beginner's eye.

He tells himself, "Wow! She's wants a guy who's just like me!"

He might even edit his profile to emphasize the similarity. (A big mistake, as I've already said.)

A few days later, the beginner sees that his "perfect match" just closed him.

Beginner screams, "WTF??? I was exactly everything she asked for. Why would she close me?"

Well, there are lots of reasons.

Let me give you a few.

It may have nothing to do with you at all!
A lot of people subscribe eHarmony to test the waters. They're not ready to date, but they want to see what the dating world is like.

Others have found other guys. They're not quite ready to become officially exclusive... but their heart is set on someone else. They'll troll eHarmony for "backups", but they're not ready to meet someone new. At least for now.

So... you may be exactly what she's looking for. But she's not ready for your offer right now.

Relax. It's not always about you.

She knows what she needs. She's just not attracted to it.
Some women come to eHarmony after a horribly bad relationship. Or, maybe even a string of horribly bad relationships.

These people are in a state where they see that the guys they left (or the guys who left them) weren't the type of guys that they could develop a stable relationship with.

So, they put up eHarmony profiles telling the world all about how they're looking for the guy that their "bad boy" exes weren't. Respectful. Christian. Trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, curteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty... you get the idea.

These women know what they need.

But they don't know what attracts them.

In fact, many of the scuzzier PUAs mark folks like this as targets.

Because, when a woman says this, the experienced PUA knows that she's attracted to "bad boys". And has a history of being unable to control that attraction.

Remember, folks. When a woman says that she needs to feel safe, safety may be necessary for her to have a relationship. But it doesn't replace attraction.

She's saying what she thinks she should say.
Finally, there is a self-perpetuating cycle on eHarmony.

Women do want to attract the most eligible guys out there. Just like guys want the most eligible women.

And they make the same mistakes we do. (It's little wonder why I have so many female readers.)

Among them? Saying the same things that everyone else does.

Describing what they think other people want, instead of who they really are, and what they really want.

Did you REALLY think she'd tell you what makes her weak in the knees?

Finally, a reality check here.

Let's suppose that a woman really does know what attracts them to a guy. (And that's not a common thing, by the way.)

Do you really think she's going to feel safe revealing these "secrets" to people she doesn't know?

Doubtful. It'd be a very unsafe thing to do.

And you can't expect a woman to do that on an eHarmony profile.

Relax. Read between the lines of her text. Get to know her.

Pretty soon, if she's open to talking to you, you'll know what she's really looking for.

Now, whether the two of you work well together - that's up to you.

Profile Clinic: Alpha me up!

Okay, folks, it's time to hit the profile clinic again...

This profile is from "Celery", who writes that, of 75 matches provided, 25 have closed him. Only one woman went into open communication with him - and she stopped replying as soon as they entered open communication.

I think we can safely say, the "attraction level" of his current profile is pretty bad, indeed.

Let's see what we can do to figure out what's wrong.

The best thing about the standard eHarmony profile? They start with a really good question. One that can engage women emotionally, and demonstrate how you're different from the other guys that are out there.

Let's see how he uses this opportunity...

1. What are you most passionate about?

Some might call me a "gadget-head," but I find it fascinating how technology continues to shape the way we live our lives.

Not an auspicious start.

In the past, I've talked about the attraction "triggers" of idealization, mirroring, and twinship.

This section doesn't trigger idealization at all. Gadget collectors aren't terribly idealizable.

If a woman is a die-hard gadget girl, who has no shame... it might provide some mirroring and twinship. But such women are few and far between. And my guess is that Celery doesn't want to focus his search exclusively to these women.

But, on the other hand, when you mention "gadgets", and the importance of "technology"... you're developing a bit of a "nerd factor". And many women make snap judgements about such men. They see them as highly improbable mirroring, idealization, and twinship partners.

So, this section is pretty weak.

But it comes close to something that could work much better.

The fact is... I doubt that Celery just likes collecting batches of circuit boards and wires.

He likes what these gadgets do.

I know. I'm a gadget guy myself. And I love what my gadgets do for me.

My smartphone? A great way to call, email, and SMS my buddies at the last minute for some spontaneous fun. And to organize my busy life.

My home entertainment system? An essential tool - if I'm going to throw a party for my friends.

My MP3 player? A great way to relax, let go, and let my mind flow...

The gadgets? They're tools. But they're tools that allow me to do things that are interesting and idealizable. And they relate to activities that most women can relate to.

So, why talk about the tools at all? Just talk about what you like to do with those tools. Whether it's disappearing into a musical wonderland, throwing parties that your friends all look forward to, or organizing a busy social life. Or whatever else these gadgets allow you to do.

Moving on...

2. What are the THREE things for which you are MOST thankful?

1. Good health

2. Close friends and family

3. Live music

1 and 2 are a little too generic and safe for most purposes, but might be okay if the rest of the profile is strong. Unfortunately, when your profile lacks that idealizable "Alpha male" factor, "Close friends and family" might mark you further as the unidealizable, wishy-washy guy. You might want to change that one.

3. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

My best friend has gone through a lot in the past few years, enough to turn a die-hard optimist into a cynic. But he keeps his eyes set on his goals and maintains a positive outlook despite his hardships. That's inspiring to me.

Again, there are some good elements here. But there are also a lot of problems.

First of all, it almost discusses the adversity his friend has gone through more than the fact that he's an optimistic goal-getter.

Next? He's looking like his friend's sidekick. And, in a profile already lacking that "Alpha male" factor, it's continuing to compound the problems that this profile has.

But it's a killer topic. Let's change the focus. My first draft rewrite would be, "That would have to be my best friend, _____. In spite of the difficulties that he's had in the last few years, he's still maintaned his optimism, idealism, and positive outlook on life. It's good to have friends who can maintain such positive energy!"

This is much more positive. And it looks like you're choosing to have this person in your life - not like you're a tag-along to someone else.

Moving along to the eHarmony checkboxes...

4. The four things your friends say about you are:

* Perceptive

* Caring

* Intelligent

* Genuine

5. What are three of your BEST life-skills?

* Using humor to make friends laugh
* Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
* Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings

Again, when you're having difficulty maintaining idealizability, "Caring" and "Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings" might magnify these problems. You might consider changing them.

6. What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?

The cornerstone of any relationship is great communication. Whether it's having a serious conversation about our future, leaving a special message on a sticky note in each other's lunch bags, or cracking jokes over drinks with friends, I want someone who is open to communicating at all levels. I'd also like to meet someone who can make me laugh (a rare thing for a girl – good luck!)

Again, I think that, if we can keep the mirroring potential, but make sure that you're still the "Alpha male", we can make this a lot stronger.

Here's a first draft of how I'd rewrite it:

"I'm looking for a woman with an ease around her. A woman who can join me in cracking jokes over drinks with friends. Or flirt with notes that we'd leave in each other's lunch bags. Oh, and if you can make me laugh? That'd be icing on the cake."

Again, maintaining the mirroring, and the level of challenge. But keeping an "Alpha" status.

7. Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?

I am a good listener and enjoy hearing people talk about their lives rather than focusing on my own. Also, my smile gets me some compliments :)

If the first sentence doesn't scream unattractive beta-male, I don't know what does.

Do yourself a favor. Head over to this page.

Read what women really think when they hear a guy say this.

And when you understand why this is such an attraction-killer, rewrite it.

Let's move on. Before I really start to rant.

(But don't feel too bad. I made the same mistake a long time ago. And had the same results you did.)

8. What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?

People don't always get my dry sense of humor right away. Usually when I come out with a line, it takes people a second to realize that I'm joking.

Again, some good stuff here. Unfortunately, it's buried in so many weasel words and phrases that it's lost a lot of it's power.

Don't weasel up. Here's how I'd rewrite it:

"I have a dry sense of humor. Sometimes, people don't realize when I'm teasing them."

There. No weaseling out.

Much better, yes?

And if it doesn't really reflect you... go ahead and change it. But don't be a weasel.

9. How do you typically spend your leisure time?

I love DC – it's one of the greatest cities in the world. There's nothing like a day with friends cheering at a Nat's game or seeing a show at the 9:30 Club. If I'm in a quieter mood, I'll take in a wine tour or spend some time at a museum. Since many of my friends have moved in recent years, I have an excuse to travel around the country! A big part of my autumn involves season tickets to my college's football games. I'm also a big movie buff, and try to catch anything that look interesting (particularly if I get a chance to check out the local "artsy" theatre).

Actually, this is the best part of your profile. You're being yourself. You're telling people what you like. You're not trying to impress, and you're not trying to shoe-horn yourself into someone else's life.

I'd leave this alone for now. Maybe, in the future, you might experiment with cutting this down a little bit - sometimes, when people provide such a variety of activities that they enjoy, it makes people suspicious. But I think that focusing on other areas, for now, will be more productive in improving your results.

10. What are five things that you "can't live without?"

a. Gym membership – got to stay active!

b. My cat, Coco, who plays fetch like a dog.

c. GPS – gives my life direction

d. Optimism – always look on the bright side of life

e. Sunglasses – due to my optimism, I need the shades…

Again, this looks better. I'm starting to see a person here. Not a spineless suck-up.

11. Describe the last book that you read and enjoyed. What was it about? What did you like most about it?

I really enjoyed "Into the Wild" by John Krakauer because it helped me understand how your approach to life influences those around you.

A little more detail might help. I haven't read the book yet (it is on my reading list), but, I think there are a lot of more specific parallels you can point out. How his optimism influenced others. The amazing things that can happen when you take a few risks.

Again, just a little more specificity will make this more intriguing.

12. Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know.

I am slightly embarrassed to admit that my iPod is stocked with 80s music. Guilty pleasure...

Don't weasel. Don't feel guilty. Say it. Own it. Be it.

You'd be surprised to discover how many women will relate to this.

13. Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?

I absolutely love to cook but loathe going to the grocery store. If you love shopping but hate cooking, we really need to get together!

Cool. I'll bring you some groceries. You're going to spend hours cooking me a fantastic gourmet meal. Right?

Oh, wait, you're not willing to do that for me?

You're just being a nice guy?

I think you need to reread the "nice guys" thing. Again.

Okay, I'll stop beating you up now.

But you still need to come up with a better call to action.

Anyway, I hope I've been helpful. Please - keep in touch, and let us know how you're doing.

And good luck!

Funny thing happened over my vacation...

Funny thing happened over my break. I forgot to turn my matching off.

This is a significant break from my usual. Usually, I'm quick to initiate communication. My vacation forced people to wait.

So... what happened?

A lot more women decided to close me.

Now, this wasn't a well-designed experiment. And the fact that I received more closures as a result of not initiating communication quickly may be a coincidence.

But, it does make me think about the reasons why this might have happened.

First of all, as I've commented before, when you're the first guy to initiate communication, you are going to get more attention and interest than if you were the 45th guy. She's curious about the first few guys she meets. But the time she hits #45... her defenses are up against the onslaught of men competing for her attention.

But, there might be other reasons as well.

There could be a "sour grapes" effect going on in her mind. A thought process akin to, "Huh... he isn't starting anything... maybe there's a reason."

If your profile looks particularly passive, it may seem like you're waiting for her to initiate. And passive guys aren't very attractive.

She may be getting more involved with a guy (or guys) who did initiate communication.

Anyway, it was an interesting (if accidental and inconclusive) experiment.

Still have a flaw? Seek guidance.

One classic mistake that I discussed in Friday's article is how people often act when they see themselves as having a flaw that they feel will make them have problems finding the woman they're looking for.

The first step people often make? Trying to hide it.

And, as we said on Friday, that usually makes problems worse.

So, you're done hiding. But it's still out there. You're not calling attention to the "problem" by hiding it. You're not making excuses, or holding it out as a weakness.

But it's still causing problems.

Now, think about it for a minute.

Is your problem really that unique?

Are you sure you're the only guy out there with this "problem"?

Of course not.

And I bet that, somewhere out there, there are plenty of guys who who've already figured out how to do well. In spite of your "problem".

Find them.

Figure out why they've been successful, in spite of the flaw that you share.

Odds are, some of their solutions may work for you.

"But, I can't get women, because I'm..."

Yep, I'm deadlocked with yet another match.

Although she's asked some really detailed "Phase 3" questions, she still hasn't revealed her photos. Until now, she's been eager to respond to every question. Within hours.

Now, I've sent a photo nudge, and haven't heard from her in quite some time.

And, here... I've gotta shake my head.

It is a common refrain in the dating world. The feeling that you can't find a girlfriend because of some "flaw".

You're short.

You're overweight.

Your nose is crooked.

Whatever.

Well, the problem is, by saying this, you're revealing that you have TWO problems.

One is the "problem" that you're talking about. (And, if it's possible to fix - think about it. It may be what you need to fix the second problem.)

The second? You're showing a lack of confidence.

And that's a major turn-off.

The fact is - "model-perfect" matches are rare. And, if a woman is signing onto eHarmony, she's at least somewhat of the belief that a guy's personality is important. (If not... why sit through a 300 question personality questionnaire?)

But, a lack of confidence? Now you've got internal problems. Not external ones.

So, if you've got a "flaw"? Don't draw more attention to it than you need to.

Don't apologize. Don't hide.

And if she's got a problem with it? Make it her problem. Not yours.

Pictures: Small things can make a big difference!

Lately, it seems like my eHarmony response rate has risen dramatically. For a long time, I could count on around 22% of my matches to open communication with me.

That percentage has recently increased to 33%. And it's climbing.

And I haven't made a single change to my profile text.

I could just be lucky. But I doubt it.

And I have made some improvements to my photos. They're not huge differences.

But they seem to be making a big difference in my results.

Better Camera, better pictures. Duh!
First, I got a better camera. My old camera was a fixed-focus 3.2 Megapixel camera, made by HP (known to be cheap-to-mediocre). I've finally replaced it with an 8 Megapixel, autofocus camera, built by Canon (One of the better brands). The pictures are of noticably better quality, even after they get compressed and squished by eHarmony. And, like I said, small differences seem to be making a real difference. And, yes, if you've got any pictures taken from a cell phone camera - you need to replace 'em. Seriously.

Can't afford a good camera? See if you can borrow one from a friend. Or, if you don't mind taking out a Discover card, you can get this one free. (And, no, they're not paying me anything. But it is how I got my camera, so I figured that I'd share. I, and many others have spoken for the fact that they've been in business for a long time, and are reliable in carrying out their promises.)

If you've got a portrait mode, use it!
A little bit of soft focus does make you look better.

Let 'em see your eyes
Okay, I do have blue eyes, but that's not terribly unusual. But I have always noticed one thing - photos that are close enough for people to see my eye color rate significantly higher than those that don't. And, yes, when I got a better camera, it captured my eye color much better.

Crop, Crop, Crop!
Picture composition can make a big difference. If something in the picture is distracting or ugly - crop it out, if you can. If you can't, see if you can get some software to "airbrush" the distractions out. Oh, and you can "airbrush" other little imperfections out too. Like your acne breakouts. Don't get extreme - you want the picture to look like you - but a little touchup can be a good thing.

Don't be a loner
One long-standing rule among pickup artists is this: Don't do what everyone else does.

Do you ever notice how so many people either put up pictures with them alone? Or with other people awkwardly cropped out?

If you've got decent-looking friends, or you're at social events, don't be afraid to have other people in your photos. It shows that you socialize. That you hang around with other people who can present themselves respectably. All good things.

You can go too far. Pictures of you with your ex probably shouldn't be included. But if you're just socializing, and some attractive women are slightly out of focus in the background... that's fine.

Show yourself relaxing
Don't tense up for the camera. Keep joking with your friends. Lean back. Let them lean in toward you to get in the picture. Let them stiffen up before the flashbulb.


When you look relaxed - it makes you look like you're in command of the group.

Avoid tourist photos
Photos in foreign and exotic places are okay. But you want it to look like you're being social. Not like you're trying to brag about your travels.

Avoid the photos of you near obvious tourist traps. Use the ones where you're with friends, catching the more subtle flavor of where you are.

Tell part of the story
Don't leave long explanations of what you're doing in your profile. And don't provide explanatory captions. Let 'em wonder.

Trust me, they'll ask you.

Small things? Yes. But they've made a huge difference for me.

Let me know how they work for you!

Attacking the questions? Be careful...

Okay, folks. We all know that some of eHarmony's questions are really stupid.

And it can be tempting to dismiss stupid questions.

The problem? It rarely works well.

Yes, it can be a lot of fun to come up with witty retorts to stupid questions. But, often, those witty retorts make you look like you're trying too hard to answer a simple question.

It can make you look more evasive. Less genuine. And, usually, less idealizable.

They tend to break the "fourth wall" of having an intimate conversation.

And, if a woman has invested effort into choosing a question, she may see your dismissal as a personal rejection of her values.

Now, I'm not saying that "attacking the question" has no place in anyone's toolbox. If you feel like you're being treated like a doormat, or you're being asked an offensive question, this may be your best response.

But, in those cases - you're already fighting a losing battle. And your response may only serve to let you leave with head held high.

And, a lot of times, that's a good reason.

Be a profile critic.... You could win a personal consultation

As I've mentioned, I'll soon be opening the doors on my consultation business.

And I'm giving you a chance to be my first customer. For free.

And even if you don't win the consultation... you'll STILL be a winner.

How can you win?

Here's how it works:

1. Join the google group. You're going to have to talk to your fellow readers to compete in this one, folks.
2. Write an email to me at the address listed at the top of this blog. Use a subject line of "GROUP OF FIVE".
3. I'll start a discussion on the Google Group for your "Group of five". You'll be randomly assigned to join four of your fellow readers.
   
4. Post your eHarmony profile to your "Group of five" thread.
5. Once you've put your profile on the chopping block... provide your BEST feedback to your fellow "Group of five" members.
6. I'll let the threads go on for at least two weeks.
7. In each group of five, I'll pick a "winner", based on the quality of the criticism they provide, and how much I feel they've improved by participating in the process. And, yes, my decision is both subjective and final.
8. I reserve the right to advance "wildcard" winners in the competition, at my convenience and selection. (Mostly to make sure that the semi-final and final groups have 5 members.)
   
9. The winners of each "group of five" round will be placed in NEW groups of five, consisting of other winners.
10. The process repeats... until we have a winner.
11. Yes, you can post comments to groups other than your group of five. (Or, even if you're not a "group of five" member.) But you won't advance in the competition for doing it.
    

So, even if you don't win the competition - you'll still be getting some great feedback from your fellow members. And the more you help others (and respond to the help offered to you)... the better help you're going to receive.

And the winner? Will get a personal consultation on the subject of their choosing.

Want me to give my personal criticism of your profile? Fine.

Got another sticking point you'd like to talk about? I'm all ears.

And, like I said... my personal consultations won't come cheap, folks. You're looking at an over $200 value here.

So, get crackin' folks. And I'll see you on the Google Group.

Don't get caught by the Halo Effect...

Seduction artists have long commented on something called "The Halo Effect". A fancy social psychological term for something that, on one level, seems pretty obvious. When we see other people responding to it, that is.

And, once in awhile, you find a classic example of the "Halo effect" in action. Take a look at this article, especially the comments.

In the beginning, she looks like she's a typical woman carrying the banner of those who say they've been "rejected by eHarmony".

But, she is attractive. She makes a living as a model. And, so the halo effect begins.

And it's funny how so many people rallied to her defense. And they don't only comment upon how crazy eHarmony is to reject such an attractive woman. (As if they should be making exceptions for attractive women...)

They also talk about how "well-adjusted" and "intelligent" she is.

Now, wait a minute... did any of the commentators actually meet this woman?

Probably not. They're caught in the halo effect. They see one positive attribute, and assume that she is well-adjusted and intelligent.

Maybe she is. And, maybe, eHarmony's testing process made a mistake in her case.

And, maybe she isn't quite the catch that the commentators are making her out to be. I don't know. I've never met her.

Like I've said, it's easy to catch other people in the halo effect.

It's trickier to spot it in yourself.

Oh, and don't worry, commentators. There are other attractive women on eHarmony too.

A light moment for the 4th...

It's a holiday.

I don't have many readers on holidays, so I'm not going to say anything too profound.

In fact, I think I'll steal this from eHarmony Blog. But, they stole it from someone else who's blog disappeared. So I feel okay in copying it again.

Happy Independence Day, folks!

She doth protest too much, methinks...

Another thought that's somewhat related to this week's audio trainwreck...

Ever notice those profiles that are just a little too strident?

The ones that vociferously declare the woman's demands about needing to take care of children? Or demanding a respectful relationship? Or overstressing her religious faith?

Again, people who are confident aren't so strident. For example, I have run into a few rabbis on eHarmony, and I've reviewed the profiles of a few other people involved in religious service. They're content to demonstrate and imply their faith.

And they don't hammer folks over the head with their religiosity.

You guessed it - women who repeatedly insist on something, in my experience, either are covering a weakness, or are still dealing with some past problem.

In fact? Many of the slimier pick-up artists have commented upon how many of the women who insist on "respectful", "long-term", and "Christian" relationships, are, in fact, some of the easiest prey for them.

Scuzzy, yes. But the observation is probably accurate.

Keep it in mind, guys.

"Four times as much communication?" I wish...

For awhile, eHarmony has put up banner ads on it's site, in it's attempt to inform people about their ability to declare a preference for fast-track.

Actually, I'm pretty happy that they're trying to make fast-track requests seem more normal.

But, in these ads, they cite a statistic that caught me off-guard.

According to the ads, people who declare a fast-track preference receive four times as many communication requests!

I found that interesting. And it definitely contradicted my own data set.

So, I tried to find out more about the basis for eHarmony's claim.

It was difficult to find - but one article finally made it clear.

It explained that people who declare a fast-track preference receive four times as many fast-track requests than the people who don't.

That's a big difference, in my opinion. And it doesn't contradict my old data.

Of course, my old data has it's weaknesses. The experiment was done over a year ago. I didn't have that many matches in the data set.

And, recently, at least one member of our Google Group has introduced a reasonable theory that certain personality types might respond better to fast-track than guided communcation. And has some data backing up his theory, at least in his case.

But eHarmony's statistic? It's just not relevant to most men, in my humble opinion.

I still hold to my belief - attractive women are flooded with communication requests. They don't have the time to read profiles attached to men who aren't showing interest. And it's much better to be guy #3 to request communication, rather than guy #40.

Again, if a woman seems worth talking to, I recommend initiating communication quickly. Don't wait for her to initiate.

Time is not on your side.

"I don't play games." Starting when?

There's another point to be made from yesterday's audio train wreck...

Did you find it interesting, how, on the second message, he kept saying that he won't hang around with women who play games with him?

He even accused her of having mental illness - for not returning his first phone call?

Uh... right.

That's an extreme example, but guys do make mistakes similar to this.

Think about it for a moment.

Imagine that you have no problems finding fun and interesting women to meet. They're plentiful in your world.

Would you go into 20 minute lectures telling women that you won't put up with her if she plays games with you?

Would you get upset if she didn't return a phone call? Or insult her? Or make threats to cut her off forever?

Of course not. You'd just move on.

So... when guys do these things, they demonstrate the exact opposite of what they're saying.

Me? I just follow my two strike rule.

And, when they hit two strikes? I don't threaten or blow up.

I just stop calling. And move on to meet women who are eager to talk.