Building your virtual weekend

Staying on the theme of why it's important not to make your profile a list of your qualifications... Another spot where men tend to make this mistake is when eHarmony asks you to describe how you spend your spare time.

This is a point where most men provide a sterile and somewhat random list of "things they like to do". Essentially, trying to provide a huge list that a woman might find something in common with.

Again, better profiles don't seek approval. They draw a woman into understanding what it might be like to spend time with you.

For example, a typical profile might read, "I like to go to movies, hang around with friends, ride my Harley-Davidson, and play cards."

A better way? "The perfect weekend for me would be out on the road on my Harley, taking in the feeling as the wind rushes by and the highway unfolds. To top it off, I'd meet up with my other buddies at [the name of an out of the way bar] - folks that I've known for so long, we complete each other's sentences."

Again, there's no sense that he's seeking approval. He's describing how he likes to spend his weekend. And, if a woman's sharp, she'll have lots of questions to ask - about his friends, and places he's been.

We'll bring this into the first few dates next week...

A new type of coupon code?

It looks like eHarmony has created a new type of coupon code.

In the past, eHarmony only offered coupon codes for expired and new members.

Well, on your left, you'll notice a new coupon code for active members only.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Bringing Passion to your Passion

As I've observed in our last article, a lot of men treat their profile like a resume. They write their "qualifications", and ask women if they're acceptable enough to interview.

Unfortunately, it's a frame of reference that usually fails to attract women.

In my hands, the most successful profiles don't provide a sterile list of qualifications.

Instead, they begin to draw women into an emotional experience.

And when women are drawn into that emotional experience... they usually want it to continue.

Fortunately for us, eHarmony profiles begin with a golden opportunity to draw women into the richness of our emotional worlds. By asking us, "What are you most passionate about?"

And, fortunately for us... most writers fall back into "resume" mode.

Let me give you an example.

Many of our readers have become successful at their jobs, and are justifiably proud of them. However, saying something like, "Right now, I'm focused on building my law practice."

I don't see much emotion or passion there.

Now, if he expanded that a little bit, there's some emotional richness. For example, "While I was a clerk in law school, I began to hear the horrific stories of clients who were seeking political refugee status. After hearing how these people were treated, I couldn't help but to dedicate my career to helping them build safe lives in the U.S."

Now, we've opened a door. If the woman has any sense of curiosity or compassion, she'll want to hear some of these stories. And more about what he does.

And now... there's a door to the interesting, and fulfilling emotional experience that most profiles don't provide. And you haven't provided a woman with a sense of, "I've worked hard in my career, so now you owe me."

More tomorrow.

What happens when you list your accomplishments?

One problem with a lot of men's eHarmony profiles is that they look a lot like resumes.

They list accomplishments.

In the "What are you passionate about", they take a moment to brag about something they did. Or provide a list of things that they do.

When they're asked, "What do you like to do", they give sterile lists of things that they're able to do.

This is okay (to some extent), when you're looking for a job. You want to demonstrate that you're qualified to fill the position.

But, you're not looking for a job... it's an approach that comes off a little strangely.

Frankly, why are you seeking the approval of strangers?

Why do you need to make anonymous women find your accomplishments acceptable?

And, if you're this hungry for approval before you meet her (or during the date), what are you going to be like in a relationship?

An ever-hungry, approval-seeking leech?

That's unattractive, to say the very least.

"But, if I'm not going to list my accomplishments in my profile, or on my date, what do I do instead?"

Let's talk about that tomorrow.

What's the opposite of a bribe?

For a long time now, I've been telling guys one important thing - on eHarmony (and in life), you attract women by being who you are, not on what you give her.

In fact, "bribes" are actually counterproductive. If it's a particularly attractive bribe, a woman might take it. But she'll attribute any good feelings she has to the bribe - not you.

Recently, in fact, I've found an article about a company that uses bribes in a different way.

After the first week of training... they offer their new employees $1000 to quit the job now.

They say that it's because they only want to keep people who are dedicated to the company, and to what they've learned in the week of training.

But, in my humble opinion - it's a brilliant psychological technique.

You see, for even for their lowest-paid employees, quitting the job (and taking the $1000) would give them a week and a half of pay. It's unlikely that they'd find another good job that quickly.

But when they stay? They remember that, to keep the job, they turned away the $1000 bribe.

And my guess is they justify this by telling themselves that the job, itself, has value.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I don't think that offering women bribes to stay away would be practical.

But when a woman starts to have good feelings when she's with you, and you haven't spent money on gifts or fancy evenings out... you've only given them one reason to have those feelings.

It's because you're a heck of a guy.

Be the hero - not the sidekick.

Life is tough for the superhero sidekicks of the world.

They face the same dangers as the heroes. In fact, they face even more danger.

Superman and Captain America don't get hurt when a random thug fires a gun at them. But Jimmy Olsen and Bucky Barnes are oh-so vulnerable to these humdrum attacks.

But the sidekick still plays his role. Providing support. Steady companionship. Friendship. Counsel.

So, when women see the hero and the sidekick together... who do they swoon for?

They always chase the hero, don't they?

"Okay", you may ask, "What's the point of all of this so far? Why are you talking about superhero sidekicks on an eHarmony advice blog?"

The answer is simple.

A lot of guys, when they decide to write their profile, describe their best qualities in a way that makes them look like sidekick material.

They're "faithful friends". But they don't lead.

They're "laid back", and "go with the flow" of the superhero's lead.

And they'll do anything for their friend.

... and then, they wonder why the women are paying attention to the superheroes.

Stop wondering. The "sidekick" role does not work on eHarmony.

Be the hero. Not the sidekick.

P.S. If you don't understand why women don't go for the sidekicks... you really need to read (or reread) my welcome package.

Give quality guys a REASON to talk!

Okay, if you're an attractive woman, you don't have to work very hard on the text of your eHarmony profile.

Quite frankly, if you're attractive, a lot of guys will turn to mush at the chance to communicate with you.

But, if you're attractive, you can probably find lots of guys who will do that. And you're probably turning to eHarmony in search of the quality guys.

So, how can you tell, early on, if a guy is really interested in more than your looks?

Sprinkle in a few interesting things in your profile. Things that a guy will want to ask more about, if he wants to get to know you better.

Why is this so important?

First of all... quality guys don't have trouble getting attractive women to talk to them. And to get their attention, you'll need more than pretty pictures. They want someone that they might connect with.

And if a guy is asking questions... that's a good sign of a quality guy. Because a lot of the love-struck lesser beings stop paying attention when they see your picture.

No Chemistry? Consider spreading the wealth...

So, you've been on a few dates.

And, for a lot of the women that you meet... the chemistry just ain't there for you.

So, what do you do with the women who are liking you?

Most guys duck and hide.

I turn it into an opportunity.

If she genuinely seems like a decent woman... I'll set her up with one of my friends.

If she's not interested - fine. She's not very social, and a little desperate. And she just saved my friend from a bad date. She might be a little miffed - but she'll get the message that I'm not interested in anything other than friendship. And she'll usually go away quietly.

And, if she's interested? Everyone wins.

My friend is happy. And might introduce me to some other folks that I haven't met yet.

The woman might do the same.

Remember, folks. eHarmony's role is to expand your social circle - not to decide who you want to date.

And this is another way to expand that circle.

War Story: She sent me a picture of her ass!

Well, here's a first...

When I asked this woman for more pictures... she sent me a picture of her ass.

Don't believe me? Here's the picture.



















Just when you thought you've seen it all...

Shifting the Frame - What is a date, anyway?

Okay, some folks may still be wondering - if the idea of communication and dating is not to impress a woman... what is the point anyway?

The point is - you're out living your life. And you're seeing who fits in it.

You're not trying to impress. You're seeing if she fits into your world.

It's really that simple.

When she's sold... stop selling!

When guys first start becoming successful on eHarmony, they often make a classic mistake.

For the first time, they see that a woman is becoming interested.

They start to worry... how do I keep this woman? How do I advance the relationship?

But, in their worries, they're overlooking an important point.

The woman is already trying to seduce him.

And, actually, the guy doesn't really need to do that much.

In fact, putting in too much effort at this point, can be counterproductive.

If she's already giving you praise, and you're looking like you're asking for more, you begin to look needy.

And, if you bend over backwards to impress, or "be nice", she starts wondering how genuine you really are.

So, when she's starting to chase you... relax.

And decide for yourself whether or not you want to be seduced.

Ladies: Don't worry THAT much about your looks.

Since I've decided to provide a little bit of advice for women on this blog, I think I'll go into something that most women feel just a little too insecure about.

Yes, when guys talk about dating, they do talk about women's looks.

But, really? In my conversations with women, it seems like women talk to each other about their looks even more. And are much more brutal and critical in evaluating each other's appearances than most men would be.

So, let's clear your head.

Do you think you're overweight? Most women do. Including the ones that aren't.

Do you constantly pick at other flaws? Your clothes? Hair? Anything else?

Okay, maybe it's time to take the advice that I give to most guys: Get an honest, but flattering full-body picture of yourself, and put it up on Hot or Not. Yeah, I know, it seems weird. But, usually women do much better on this website than they think they'll do.

If you're an 8 or above - you'll probably have more male attention on eHarmony than you know what to do with. Relax, and decide which guys are worthy of your attention.

If you're a 7? You're perfectly normal. Just put up your pictures. There are going to be a lot of guys who like you. Maybe not as many as the 8+'s - but you're going to get quality guys talking to you. Not just a bunch of guys who are only thinking with their hormones.

If you're a 6? You probably just need better pictures. Follow the advice that I gave to the guys - have a lot of pictures taken. You'll probably get some in the 7's.

If you're a 5 or below... most of the time, the problems are fixable. I've always said that male looks depend more on style and grooming than anything else. This is true for women, too.

Find some of your attractive female friends. Ask for some suggestions. I bet you'll be surprised about how little you have to do to improve your appearance.

And, yes, if you really are overweight (Google "BMI calculator", and type in your height and weight), it is harder.

But, guess what? You'll still find guys who will find you attractive.

The best thing you can do about your looks? Be confident. Don't apologize.

Put them up. And be honest.

Because, let's face it. If a guy isn't attracted to you... you don't want to meet him anyway. Right?

Phase 3: You MIGHT be worthy...

As I've mentioned on this blog, I've made a significant physical transformation over the years. Bottom line? I'm a lot better-looking of a guy.

And I've noticed this having a significant effect in how my eHarmony matches act.

Before? I could joke and tease women - and they'd be fine. They'd throw it back at me, and it'd all be fun.

Now? It feels like I have to handle them a lot more cautiously. And it's pretty easy to send even the most attractive and interesting women through self-esteem meltdowns.

Are you in this situation?

Here's a trick in phase 3 that seems to help me:

Read the profile carefully.

Find things that you think are intriguing or interesting. And, no, don't try to fake it. Faking it won't work. Women can smell that from a mile away.

Ask phase 3 questions about these things.

Bottom line? It makes them feel like they're starting to earn your attention.

When women are scared that they might be unworthy... they could use a little bit of pumping up.

And when they see that they're making some progress... they'll want to brag and prove themselves worthy of an attractive, accomplished, put-together guy.

So... If you're having trouble with frequent self-esteem meltdowns, give it a try.

Communication Clinic: A first kiss denied?

Lately, it seems like I've been neglecting the "communication clinic" articles. Time to fix that.

Here's one that I've taken from an anonymous participant in our Google Group.

He starts with this question:

So after a year of lots of dating [ . . . ], I finally met someone that I think I might like (on eHarmony). At the end of our second date, she walked me to the subway. Now, I've done enough dating at this point where I'm good at telling when it's ok to kiss a girl. And, I've also found that if you don't atleast kiss on a second date, its probably not going anywhere. Anyway, I went to kiss her and she turned to give me her cheek. I was kind of surprirsed. I actually went in again and she turned away and started laughing. She said "I'm sorry..i can be really shy sometimes..it's not because I don't like you". Granted we weren't in the best place (corner of a busy intersection), but I've never met a girl (at least in her 30s) who is that shy."

Actually, it's not that unusual - it falls right within "Mystery Model" observations. (For those uninitiated to this model... a google search should provide plenty of information.) Many women are shy about having their first kiss in a crowded, public place - I actually work to avoid that.

The classic "Mystery model" response is to say, "I understand", try to get isolation, and try again.

Personally, I probably wouldn't have gone for the second try until I had isolation. But, actually, it worked out just fine that he did. Our reader, in fact, got a result that I may not have recieved...

I got home and got a voicemail from her saying that she hoped I got home safely and was sorry that she's so shy sometimes. It was actually very cute and actually made me like her more.

Now, why did she call back so soon?

She's worried that she might have scared our reader away.

In other words, she cares. Which means... she's interested. And she's persuing him.

So, at this point? She's working for his affections now.

And it's hard to screw it up now.

Another thing worth noticing?

The fact that she denied you the kiss... and you want her even more?

Classic "Playing hard to get". And it can work well.

Learn from this. These games work well in reverse too.

But, trust me, from her reaction - I think denying your kiss hurt her just as much (if not more than) it hurt you. And, truth be told, transparent game-playing is a very strong sign of interest.

But, let's move on. I'm also interested in what things created this problem for him.

He's an experienced dater. He probably knows that isolation is a good thing to have when you're going for the first kiss. So... why didn't it happen that way? He typed on:

Usually i just walk my date home and kiss her outside her apt. This girl actually pointed out her building but didn't want me to walk her home cause she says her doorman checks out all the guys she's with (or something like that).

Wait a minute...

You're an adult, walking an adult woman to her apartment.

How would the doorman know that you're not a relative? Or a coworker?

And, frankly, why should she care if the doorman sees her dating someone? It would be kind of weird for a single woman not to have the occasional gentleman caller.

If she's actually serious about that objection? Sounds like she has some damage going on.

I wouldn't have taken that seriously.

How would I have handled it?

Depends on the moment. Maybe I'd have teased her about needing to clear the next date with him. Or said, "I'm just walking you to your apartment... why, do you have other ideas?" Or, played hard to get myself (scrunch in close, look like I might be going in... and "remember" that there's a problem a few times... can be killer.)

Going to a woman's apartment isn't creepy. It's normal. In fact, for me, personally? On a second date, I'd consider it strange for a woman to refuse to let me pick her up and drive (or walk) her to where we're going.

It's only creepy when you make it that way.

And it's premature for me to be inviting her to my apt.

Again, it's only as creepy as you make it. If a woman is interested in me, I'll often say, "I'm sure you've got to be curious to see where I live." Or mention that I need to pick something up from my apartment, and casually tell her to come with me.

It doesn't have to be creepy.

(And the David DeAngelo line, "... but you have to promise to behave yourself" has worked well, too, on the occasions I've used it. When to use it, of course, is always a judgment call.)

There's a stereotypically romantic park w/a great view in my neigborhood, but just suggesting that we walk there is pretty obvious.

Well... she wants to kiss you. So it's okay to be a little obvious.

But, again, this doesn't have to be weird either. Just call her, and say something like, "Hey, it's a nice day outside... why don't I grab some sandwiches, and we can eat at (the park)?"

So, why is it becoming weird?

Some ideas:

• She's playing hard to get. And if she's playing games with you, it's a sign of interest.
• She's got issues. Maybe she's hiding a husband. Or a boyfriend. Or she likes the power of teasing you. Do you want to deal with the issues? Up to you.
• She's picking up on some tension you're giving off, and that's what's making it weird.
• Some combination of these things.

Bottom line? Relax.

Let her be tense.

And when (and if) you decide to go for it - go for it with confidence.

Ladies - "Playing hard to get" can go too far.

Okay, folks. I do keep track of my audience, and, from the measures I've been taking... almost half of you are women now.

So, I think I should respond to that. (Don't worry, guys, these articles should be fun for you too.) I can't do what I do for the men - which is to describe my experiences, what works, and what doesn't work. But I can provide a guy's perspective, and point out a few mistakes that women make on eHarmony.

First of all, as I've mentioned before, most women can find a guy. However, women are coming to eHarmony to look for quality guys. The guys who are hard to find.

The bad news? Everyone else on eHarmony is also persuing the quality guys. And a lot of my readers date a lot of women.

Which comes to the tactic of "playing hard to get".

I won't insult your intelligence, ladies. Playing hard to get can, and often does, work.

But, in general, you're asking a guy to invest effort in perusing you.

The problem is... quality guys have a lot of women perusing them. And until you've proven that you're a quality woman, the quality guys may not expend the effort.

And, to guys who meet a lot of women? They know that people put their best foot forward. And they don't become infatuated with women that they haven't even met.

So, don't make things harder than they need to.

If you want to meet quality guys, pay attention to your account. Respond in reasonable lengths of time. Follow some of the advice that I give to guys - Be friendly, and give guys an intriguing sample of who you are.

But, playing hard to get with a guy that you haven't even met yet?

Sorry, ladies. Men who are starved for responses may sit through that game. But quality guys aren't going to put in the effort.

Now, after you've met, and he's showing interest... Game on, if you wish.

I'll be back tomorrow...

Sorry, computer problems will prevent me from posting today. I'll be back tomorrow - promise!

This message was brought to you by my cell phone, and two sore thumbs.

The Dangers of Textual Diarrhea

Most guys, when they visit a site like eHarmony, don't really know what they want.

And, in their profile and communications, they try to please everyone. So, they try to put out long streams of anything that might please someone.

And, often end in a case of what I call, "Textual diarrhea". Long passages of disconnected, loose crap.

And, make no mistake about it - women see through this quickly.

In the profile? You really don't want to go into "diarrhea" mode. Pick just a few intriguing highlights. And keep your text short. Your highlights may not please everyone... but they'll please the women that you want to spend time with.

In your communications? Ease off the gas. She's gone through long rounds of guided communication. If she's done that - she's interested in you. You don't need to prove yourself further. Relax.

Because, when you relax, the women who are attracted to you will work harder.

And, pretty soon, you might be on the receiving end of her textual diarrhea.

Help me help you...

As always, I want to make sure that eHarmony Cracked reflects your needs.

And, in order to do that, I'd like you to help out.

So, what can you do to make sure that I continue to write articles that you'll be interested in?

Here are some projects that are underway:

Like it? Don't like it? Star it!
Blogger has recently started a new feature, allowing you to rate articles.

And, yes, I'll be listening to the feedback.

If some articles earn low ratings... I'll avoid those topics in the future.

And, if I see high ratings... I'll try hitting the topic more frequently, or in more detail.

Ask questions in our google group
I consider our google group to be an important part of the eHarmony Cracked community.

I try not to interrupt conversation too much - I've found that my input tends to settle issues, rather than forward discussion. But the conversations often inspire articles.

The reasons? Pretty obvious. If people are motivated to write something in the google group - I assume that it's a topic that people want to read about.

Squeaky wheels do get greased
I may not answer every question asked to me via email... but the questions often inspire articles.

I figure - if one person asks a question, there are probably lots of other readers who'd like to... but are too shy to say so.

So, if you want to see something addressed... send me an email. I won't promise to answer... but I will promise to read it and think about it.

Help me figure out the "Best of"
One thing that I've noticed is that this article is #385.

Obviously, asking new readers to read every single one of them is a pretty daunting task.

In order to help the new readers, I'd like to start a "Best of" section.

Unfortunately, I'm not in a good place to decide what my best articles are. And I'll need your help.

Analytics tell part of the story: Right now, our most read articles are:

• "About the Coupon Codes..."
• Our open communication templates (scroll to the bottom of this page)
• "Zen, and the Art of Answering eHarmony Questions"
• Our profile building advice
• "An Online Tip that will Hurt you on eHarmony"
  

Of course, just because they're the most read, doesn't mean that they're the best.

So, please... leave me a comment. What have been the most important articles to you?

I'll tally up the results, and build my "best of" section with your input.

Debunking the "Three Day Rule"

It's the age-old question. Thanks to our guided communication templates, you've quickly snagged her phone number.

Now - how fast should you call?

Guys have been overthinking this question for years. In a lot of guys' minds, calling "too soon" signals overexcitement and desperation. And, in the movie, "Swingers", the idea of the "three day rule" was popularized. (For those who've been sitting under a rock for the last decade - the "three day rule" is to call the woman three days after exchanging phone numbers.)

And, if you follow the seduction literature, there are a lot of gurus who advocate the same advice. Some even advocate waiting even longer, so you don't look like a "three day rule" guy.

So... how long should you wait before calling her?

Again, I'll let the seduction gurus speak for themselves on what works in the bars, and on other online personals sites. But, in my experience... the "Three day rule" just doesn't work on eHarmony.

Because, almost every time that I've tried to wait before making the phone call... things got weird.

Women got more nervous, and more flakey. Or, they tried to play "timing" games with me.

So, in my hands, anyway, the "Three day rule" (or for that matter, four or five day rules) just doesn't work.

So, when should you call?

Don't overthink it. Pick a convenient time. For me, early evenings have been reliable. Picking up the phone minutes (or 1-2 hours) after she leaves her email does seem soon, but I haven't actually experimented with that. However, I would try to call within 24 hours. 36 is pushing it.

Is your experience different? Leave a comment.

She's not responding? Don't feel bad.

In my early days of eHarmony, it was easy for me to get excited about some of the profiles I saw.

I'd say things like, "Wow - I'm exactly what she says she's looking for!" Or, "Hey, we have so much in common!" Or, "She's so much like other women that I get along so well with..."

Or any number of reactions.

But, yes, my profile was pretty bad. And so were my pictures. So... despite how "perfect" they seemed in my mind, they wouldn't talk to me.

And, yes, it frustrated the heck out of me. How could I have "blown it" so badly with someone who seemed to be such a great match?

Eh. Live and learn.

But, an interesting thing happened once I started getting my act together.

A lot of the same women returned.

They saw the better and more intriguing aspects of my personality. And, often, they started communication.

Guess what? Every single one of those women turned out to be a major disappointment. Some had trouble separating from old relationships. Others had major mental health problems (and I'm not saying this casually). Some were just too demanding. Or angry about their singlehood. Or too nervous to have a good time with someone they met online. The list goes on and on.

So, the lesson here? Even if she seems "perfect", you never know about her until you meet her.

And her failure to establish communication? She could be doing you a huge favor.

Relax. And have fun with the people who are interested in meeting you.

Wanna learn some tricks?

There are a lot of schools of thought in the seduction community. Some of these schools advocate learning "routines" or tricks to demonstrate higher value.

I'm pretty agnostic about this. On one hand, if the only higher value that you carry is the fact that you've learned a few magic tricks... you've got some problems.

But, if you enjoy these tricks (and I do, as a rare "spice"), and you choose tricks that are congruent with your personality, they can provide a little fun.

But, in general, I don't like to get these "tricks" from the seduction community. Unfortunately, many members overuse these tricks. And you don't demonstrate higher value when you've shown someone a trick that's already been overused by a bunch of pick-up artists. In my experience, it's best to learn these tricks from other sources.

One new source that hasn't been tapped by the "seduction community" is a new web series, "Scam School". And, thankfully, because this blog isn't read by too many people... I don't think you'll have problems with the overuse of these tricks.

Anyway, it looks like a fun series. You might want to check it out.

And, no, folks. This isn't a commercial placement. They're free, they're fun, and they're useful. So, I'll give them a hand.

Your next job - Cracked!

As I've walked the path that I've endorsed on the blog, I've discovered that it's about a lot more than just dating.

My career has also taken off in the process.

Why? Because the same realizations that I've used in finding women... I've also used in my career.

If you're looking for a job, and you take the "supplicant" position... prepare to wait. Supplicants are a dime a dozen. If you're lucky, no one will hire you, and, after sitting in the "I'm a nice guy, why won't anyone hire me?" seat for awhile, you might wake up. If you're unlucky, you'll find a desperate or abusive employer.

If you act like an over-entitled ass, not many people will want to deal with you. They might use you for a little while, but they'll be happy when you self-destruct after the job is done.

If you go to the interview, quietly demonstrate your value, relax, look at the interview as an opportunity to see if the company is right for you (and not the other way around), and look at their questions as an opportunity to learn about them - the right employers will start chasing you.

And once you've made your selection? Know that you can leave at any time and find a better job if things turn sour.

And, you know what? Since I've been doing this... I've been much happier.

Oh, and another thing - don't just stick to monster.com or the want ads. There's some comfort in doing that, but, for a company... It's a mild sign of desperation when they put out an ad or hire a headhunter. The best jobs are found through networking.

"You might make a decent friend..."

In my "fourth wall" article, a few days ago, a few people stopped and wondered... Why would I even say "And if the chemistry's not there, you seem like you might make a decent friend"?

Well, the line isn't original - I think that David DeAngelo was the first one to popularize it. (However, the "chemistry" part is, essentially, hijacked eHarmony dogma.) It's a "spice" - something that, if used correctly, can add a little bit of excitement to the chase.

It usually comes in soon after arranging the date, although it can be used at other times. But the reason that I mention that time is because, around the point where you're asking her to meet up, a woman might begin to feel like she's convinced you of her worth. That she can sit back, relax, and take you (or not) whenever she's ready. In extreme cases, you become an emotional tampon. (Although, this happens from a chain of errors - not from a failure to use any particular spice.)

This "spice", essentially, lets her know that she hasn't won you over yet. And lets her know that you still haven't made up your mind about her.

Of course, there are problems with this spice as well. If she sees you more as a friend than an object of desire, this can reinforce her belief. It amplifies attraction - it doesn't create it out of nothing. And, if a woman is very vulnerable, it could, theoretically, lead to a self-esteem meltdown.

But it's a usable tool that's worked well for me. It serves as a minor irritant that forces her to work harder for my interest.

Of course, if you're doing well (or better) without it... feel free to ditch it. It's only a spice, after all.