Communication Clinic: A first kiss denied?

Lately, it seems like I've been neglecting the "communication clinic" articles. Time to fix that.

Here's one that I've taken from an anonymous participant in our Google Group.

He starts with this question:

So after a year of lots of dating [ . . . ], I finally met someone that I think I might like (on eHarmony). At the end of our second date, she walked me to the subway. Now, I've done enough dating at this point where I'm good at telling when it's ok to kiss a girl. And, I've also found that if you don't atleast kiss on a second date, its probably not going anywhere. Anyway, I went to kiss her and she turned to give me her cheek. I was kind of surprirsed. I actually went in again and she turned away and started laughing. She said "I'm sorry..i can be really shy sometimes..it's not because I don't like you". Granted we weren't in the best place (corner of a busy intersection), but I've never met a girl (at least in her 30s) who is that shy."

Actually, it's not that unusual - it falls right within "Mystery Model" observations. (For those uninitiated to this model... a google search should provide plenty of information.) Many women are shy about having their first kiss in a crowded, public place - I actually work to avoid that.

The classic "Mystery model" response is to say, "I understand", try to get isolation, and try again.

Personally, I probably wouldn't have gone for the second try until I had isolation. But, actually, it worked out just fine that he did. Our reader, in fact, got a result that I may not have recieved...

I got home and got a voicemail from her saying that she hoped I got home safely and was sorry that she's so shy sometimes. It was actually very cute and actually made me like her more.

Now, why did she call back so soon?

She's worried that she might have scared our reader away.

In other words, she cares. Which means... she's interested. And she's persuing him.

So, at this point? She's working for his affections now.

And it's hard to screw it up now.

Another thing worth noticing?

The fact that she denied you the kiss... and you want her even more?

Classic "Playing hard to get". And it can work well.

Learn from this. These games work well in reverse too.

But, trust me, from her reaction - I think denying your kiss hurt her just as much (if not more than) it hurt you. And, truth be told, transparent game-playing is a very strong sign of interest.

But, let's move on. I'm also interested in what things created this problem for him.

He's an experienced dater. He probably knows that isolation is a good thing to have when you're going for the first kiss. So... why didn't it happen that way? He typed on:

Usually i just walk my date home and kiss her outside her apt. This girl actually pointed out her building but didn't want me to walk her home cause she says her doorman checks out all the guys she's with (or something like that).

Wait a minute...

You're an adult, walking an adult woman to her apartment.

How would the doorman know that you're not a relative? Or a coworker?

And, frankly, why should she care if the doorman sees her dating someone? It would be kind of weird for a single woman not to have the occasional gentleman caller.

If she's actually serious about that objection? Sounds like she has some damage going on.

I wouldn't have taken that seriously.

How would I have handled it?

Depends on the moment. Maybe I'd have teased her about needing to clear the next date with him. Or said, "I'm just walking you to your apartment... why, do you have other ideas?" Or, played hard to get myself (scrunch in close, look like I might be going in... and "remember" that there's a problem a few times... can be killer.)

Going to a woman's apartment isn't creepy. It's normal. In fact, for me, personally? On a second date, I'd consider it strange for a woman to refuse to let me pick her up and drive (or walk) her to where we're going.

It's only creepy when you make it that way.

And it's premature for me to be inviting her to my apt.

Again, it's only as creepy as you make it. If a woman is interested in me, I'll often say, "I'm sure you've got to be curious to see where I live." Or mention that I need to pick something up from my apartment, and casually tell her to come with me.

It doesn't have to be creepy.

(And the David DeAngelo line, "... but you have to promise to behave yourself" has worked well, too, on the occasions I've used it. When to use it, of course, is always a judgment call.)

There's a stereotypically romantic park w/a great view in my neigborhood, but just suggesting that we walk there is pretty obvious.

Well... she wants to kiss you. So it's okay to be a little obvious.

But, again, this doesn't have to be weird either. Just call her, and say something like, "Hey, it's a nice day outside... why don't I grab some sandwiches, and we can eat at (the park)?"

So, why is it becoming weird?

Some ideas:

• She's playing hard to get. And if she's playing games with you, it's a sign of interest.
• She's got issues. Maybe she's hiding a husband. Or a boyfriend. Or she likes the power of teasing you. Do you want to deal with the issues? Up to you.
• She's picking up on some tension you're giving off, and that's what's making it weird.
• Some combination of these things.

Bottom line? Relax.

Let her be tense.

And when (and if) you decide to go for it - go for it with confidence.