Ask harder questions, get better answers? Not always!

In my "guided communication" advice, I've stressed the need to remain a challenge. And a need to ask questions that will make her think, and work for your approval.

But being a challenge doesn't mean that you need to be hard-nosed, agenda-oriented, or mean. In fact, it's better if you aren't.

"But," you may ask, "I want to ask the hard questions now. It's the best way to get information, right?"

Probably not.

In my last set of open-ended questioning, I learned a lot from my most recent match. That she's not that observant. That she's been having pizza cravings, and what places have the best pizza (in her opinion) near her. That she has a doberman and a donkey, what their names are, and what stupid pet trick she'd like to stage with them. And a little bit about her family (even though I didn't ask).

And I've got a lot of things to talk about when I send my first message.

But if I asked "agenda-oriented" questions? She would have probably opened up less. I'd have probably learned that she wants a respectful relationship (doesn't everyone?), and got some generic phrases as to why she's a good relationship partner. I know - because I used to ask these questions a lot.

And, you know what? I get more information, thought, and "try hard" effort when when a woman feels good than when she feels like I'm pushing a relationship at her.

Try it out. And let me know how it works for you.

Take THIS relationship advice!

Hey, if you weren't reading this blog... you might be taking advice from this guy:

In your profile? Don't break the fourth wall.

One technique that I've explained in the past is the idea of easing tension about the meetup.

As I've practiced this before, I always did this during my first phone call. Essentially, during the phone call, I let her know that I've met a few women on eHarmony, that "chemistry" doesn't always happen, and that, if it doesn't, she seems like she'd make a good friend.

Recently, I experimented with placing statements like this in my profile.

Unfortunately, this experiment did not go well. Response rate went down slightly - although this may have been due to chance.

However, levels of excitement and interest on the phone dropped. Dramatically.

In a way, I used a technique from theater, called "breaking the fourth wall". These are the times, during a movie or theatrical performance, where the actors remind the audience that they're viewing a scripted performance, instead of immersing themselves in the fantasy world of the show.

Used as an occasional, rare, jarring moment - it can be effective. If you use it too much, though, you miss the point of going to the show - which was to immerse yourself in the writer's world for an hour or two.

And, in retrospect, breaking the fantasy in the profile is doing it much too early.

So, give her the go-ahead. Let her build romantic castles in the sky for awhile. And only break it to release the fear that it may break anyway.

Oh well. That's why I do these experiments. :-)

Profile page one: Leave her with more questions!

As I've mentioned several times before, the "About me" page needs to convey genuineness, and develop intrigue.

How do you develop intrigue?

By telling someone just enough to develop interest, but leave out the answers to the most interesting questions.

Questions that will make her want to hear more. And bear through the communication process.

Some statements may build ease, but do little to increase intrigue.

Saying, "I like to [X, Y and Z]" are statements. They don't really raise new questions.

Saying, "I'm laid-back, easygoing, and intelligent" doesn't do the job either.

Granted, to certain profile questions, these are the best answers. And you can overdo it with the "intrigue" spice. But you'd be foolish not to sprinkle it in.

Do you have photographs of you doing something interesting? Put up the photo, but resist the urge to describe it in your profile. If it's interesting... she'll ask about it.

Start a few stories. If you're an inventor, convey your excitement about your latest invention... but don't tell them what it is yet. (And, guess what? To boot, you've already told her that you're intelligent and creative. So you don't need to reemphasize it.)

If you've had an interesting experience on your last trip, start the story - but don't finish it. For example, "daring my friend to _____" implies a lot of questions. Did you do it yourself? Did you talk him into doing it? What posessed you to do this in the first place?

You get the idea.

Sprinkle these in. If they're effective, women will ask about them.

And if they don't... experiment. Find out what people want to hear more about.

Ranting on eHarmony's retractions

Okay, folks. I'm overdue for a political rant...

As eagle-eyed eHarmony watchers will know (and as eHarmony Blog did an excellent job of documenting), the official eHarmony advice site recently published a couple of articles that raised the ire of it's religious right readers.

The first? "Navigating the one-night stand". eHarmony pulled this one quickly after it was published, but, if you want to read it, eHarmony blog cached it here.

The second described fashion tips for when a woman stays the night. Which eHarmony edited to make more palatable to it's conservative religious readers.

When you consider the fact that eHarmony's first publicity blitz focused on word-of-mouth from the Christian right... there was an outrage among this readership when these articles were published. To the point where eHarmony published it's first apology and retraction to it's readers.

I understand eHarmony's position. They hate to lose customers and the good word-of-mouth among the Christian right.

But, I hope they they keep focusing on why they're successful.

It isn't because of a Christian right affiliation. There are plenty of dating websites that affiliate themselves with the Christian right. And, despite this community's activism, doctrinarian right-wing Christians aren't THAT large of an audience. And, frankly, if they have a service that only caters to the religious right - I'm leaving. And, my guess is, so will most of it's membership.

People come to the service because of their core promise. That, when you use their service, you meet people who are "more compatible" than you'll meet elsewhere.

In fact, until this point, it seemed that eHarmony was making progress toward making it's service a little less agenda-oriented. I actually liked the fact that they deemphasized marriage. People became friendlier. Meeting became more casual. Granted, people on eHarmony are probably looking for someone they'd like to marry... but people didn't feel the pressure on the first date that the other person had to be "the one".

Frankly, I hope this trend continues.

As for the articles? Well, I'm not from the religious right. But I didn't object to the articles for moral reasons. I just thought they were stupid.

If someone's looking for a one-night stand, they don't fill out 300 question personality questionnaires, pay $60 a month, and go through a long process of guided communication to get a one-night stand. It's just the wrong audience.

And, frankly, if someone wants a one-night stand, they don't need the advice that eHarmony gave. People aren't looking for advice on etiquette after the one-night stand. Or fashion tips. People who have one-night stands have already figured this stuff out.

Now, as for how to get someone to agree to a one-night stand... that's a topic that a lot of people don't understand.

But one that I won't cover. Not for moral reasons. It's because, frankly, it's outside of this website's mission.

And if you need advice on that, there are a lot of pick-up-artist websites that can help you.

Rant over. Back to the usual on Monday.

War Story: Recovery from an email overheat

Continued from yesterday...

It's clear... she's still eager to meet me. But she's feeling unsafe.

Why?

Because we're meeting in a crowded state park? Probably not. In her profile, she says that she hikes a lot. And she's not fearful of the random guys she might run into.

She's in fear because she's "overheated". She's seeing more romantic potential than I had planned. When I mentioned picnic, I was thinking sack lunches, conversation, and some walking of well-trafficked areas. She's thinking isolation, wine, cheese, and losing control.

Her thoughts are scary to her right now - she doesn't know me yet! So, we need to make her comfortable... but not ruin the idealization process that got us this far. So... here's my reply.

I was figuring that the fall foliage crowds would keep you feeling safe... but I totally understand. (Part of the reason I wanted to avoid restaurants in [City of the park] - they'd probably be mobbed.)

Anyway, [Town she mentioned] has some things going for it... but [Another town] might be more fun. (The downtown area isn't nearly as fun as [the town I picked]) And I know a couple of good places to eat in [the town I mentioned]...

We'll talk later.

Here we go. I'm not saying that I was wrong... I'm just saying that, if she's uncomfortable, I have other places where we can have some fun. And I'm still "leading the way" to the fun.

Her reply?

[The city I said] would be great! You name the place. And thanks for understanding. I really appreciate it.

Ever-eager for the meetup, she calls on Friday night. I don't answer, but pick up her message on voice mail. Oddly enough, she mentions the strange ethnic style of food that I was going to suggest.

So, if she's mentioning the type of food that I was going to suggest... am I going to lose the idealization opportunity?

Heck no. And it's a mirroring opportunity to boot. I text out:

LOL - I was going to ask if [ethnicity] would be too weird for you. [Name of restaraunt], 12:00, send u address tomorrow AM.

----------------------

Next morning, I email:

Hey, XXXX!

Don't know if you got my text message... You SO cracked me up - I was going to call and ask if you thought [ethnicity of] food was too weird for you. I guess not. (+5 points)

So, let's meet up at:

[Restaraunt address]

Look forward to meeting you in person!

She replies:

Scott,
Yes, I did - that was awesome. I'm really glad, and I think we're going to have fun. (talks about the local connection to that type of food)

I like to try new things when the opportunity arises. You never know when a rich new experience is going to present itself, and that has given me a very full life. Plus, weird, obscure, offbeat and artsy things are usually interesting.

I'm looking forward to it too...see you tomorrow. :-)

And, yes. The date went very well, and led to a 3-month relationship. Unfortunately, some hidden deal-killers kept things from going further... but, certainly, no regrets.

War Story: Overheated by email

One recent thread in our Google Group addressed a problem that can often be encountered on eHarmony - communicating with women who, initially seem extremely eager to meet... but then cut off communication suddenly.

There can be a lot of reasons why this might occur. One of the most common?

She gets too excited over email.

And when a woman gets that excited, meeting can become scary.

A few months ago, I managed something similar. Here's how it went.

Starting off? Her guards were way up. She was asking questions that were very premature. And I let her know.

So... This was phase 1, her questions, my answers:

1. How often do you lose your temper? E) Rarely.
2. Which of the following marriage issues do you fear most? B) fear of marrying the wrong person
3. How important is chemistry to you? E) If it isn't there quickly, there's usually a reason...
4. Where do you see yourself living in 15 years? E) Where opportunity knocks.
5. If you were to marry, how many children would be ideal? E) Asking to bear my children already? I do want them, but this is fast...

She fast tracked me, I accepted.

Her first message?

Subj: Clicked on the wrong question!!!
Scott,
I have no idea how that question about kids got in there. I'm sorry about that! I just signed up, and I'm sure I was aiming for something else. Please nix that question and forget about until much later.
Thanks for understanding!
XXXX

I'm not sure I'm buying it. But she's backing off, because she's interested in me. And I'm sure my "alpha"/idealizable response to her questions helped. So, I'll reduce the tension a little bit. But, clearly, being "alpha" is a part of what got me here... abandoning it would be foolish.

Subj: RE: Clicked on the wrong question!!!
No worries. Hope you appreciated the joke. :-)

Anyway, looks like we're in open communication now - which is fine with me. It's a much more normal way to talk.

Anyway, a lot of things on your page do seem interesting... but a little serious. What are some of your guilty pleasures?

- Scott (email address)

An enthusiastic response...

Subj: More Stuff
Hi, Scott. Thanks for understanding. And I always like jokes!

We can also go back to formulated questions if you prefer or if you would find it more helpful.

OK, at this point I'm only going to share superficial guilty pleasures. ;-) Despite the genetic predisposition, I avoid guilt if I can help it. But I sure do like pleasure! And that can be a lot of things. I do feel guilty if I nap because there are so many other things I should be doing. And ice cream. I like [regional brand]. And just about anything that pleases the senses.

What strikes you as serious? Some things are serious to me, some not so much.
What game are you watching in that picture? Do you find that people act differently around you because you [what I do for a living]?
You can also email me at: (XXXXX)

This caused me to pause. Usually, with a response this enthusiastic, I'm prompting to go to the phone. But, in my mind, it still seemed too fast for a fast track. I went another round - which served to build tension... And show her that I'm beginning to pay attention.

(I replied via email, and closed her with the reason, "We're communicating outside of eHarmony")

Subj: Breaking out of eHarmony
Hello, again!

As for [my job]... Some people are intimidated at first. But when they talk for awhile, things usually get normal. Whatever that means. :-)

Hmm... never spent too much time in a city with [local brand] Ice cream. Always hear good things about it, though...

So... what did you do in your last trip to the woods? Find anything interesting? And, for that matter, what brought you into hockey?

Talk later!

Of course, an enthusiastic reply:

Good morning. By the way, I was really impressed that you said "mitzvah" on your page.
Most of my trips in the woods are just about walking and climbing a few hills. [region] has lots and lots of trails with pretty things to look at - rocks, trees, hills, some animals. I haven't been able to go too much the past 3 months, but I'm trying to get my schedule more freed up.
Hockey was kind of an accident. I was at a party and just started talking to the guy who coordinates the local leagues, and he mentioned that it was co-ed. I watched a few games. It looked like so much fun, I had to try it. It's a blast! (I'm very much a beginner, but it's great fun and the people on the team are becoming friends.)

You seem to have a lot of ecletic tastes. What did you spend your time doing this weekend? What game are you watching in your online photo?

Have a great day today.
XXXX

Obviously, she's ready for a phone call. Foolishly, I waited 48 hours - something that builds tension. Which is what I didn't need to do at this point.

She couldn't wait, and sent another message:

I like when i encounter animals like deer and snakes on the trail. That's always fun.
Hockey tonight was a blast. Ends late, though. My coach's team will be playing in [my city] in February.
How was your day?

I reply:

Glad you had a good day... Got lost in cleaning yesterday - getting
ready for a pumpkin-carving party at my place.

Anyway, I've got more cleaning, a lot of meetings, and a few things
with friends this week... I'm probably not going to be able to keep up
with my email very well. I'd still like to talk some more though -
give me a call at (XXX)XXX-XXXX.

Talk later!

She calls (of course). Texts me later in the evening to tell me that she's up until 11. I really was swamped with something else, texted her that I'd call her the next day, she said she understood.

Called the next day. Great phone conversation. (Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered going further... I actually don't like 'em this easy.) Made a date for two weeks at a "halfway" point that I wanted to visit anyway.

Planning the meetup was a little more difficult that I expected. The highlight was being near fall foliage at a state park... but it's also high tourist season, as well. In other words, lunch places would probably be MOBBED, and they weren't good anyway. So, I throw this email out:

Hey, XXX

Unfortunately, the lunch options aren't looking all that good - I've
been to the highest-rated restaurant on TripAdvisor, and thought it
was awful.

So... let's do something a little different. I'll pack some lunches, and we can meet up in [State] Park. I figure the [biggest building] is a good place to meet up... we can probably find a picnic table nearby. You can find directions at [web address]
Anything I need to know about before packing a lunch for you? (Food allergies, etc.)

12:00 sound good? (I realize we're both traveling - someone's likely to be early or late.) :-)

And I'll keep an eye out on weather reports, and let you know if I need to come up with a "bad weather" plan.

Talk later!

Her response:

Oh, wow. This is my dream romantic picnic lunch. Watch out, I'm a sucker for stuff like this. Thanks for asking about the allergies. I don't have any, but I don't eat trayf. (I do mix meat and milk, sorry to say.)
I'll bring some wine and cheese...anything else you can think of?
Here are some pics I took of myself this past sunday. No pressure on the time...when you get there, you get there. And if it rains, we'll figure out something else. Looking forward to it!

She later adds:

oh, here's my car so you can see me drive up. her name is [Name]. (includes picture)

Hmm... running a little hotter than I expected. Definitely overromanticizing. And definitely "showing off" to impress me.

This is a dangerous place. As I've pointed out, when romantic excitement doesn't balance comfort, women get scared. And they start to get nervous.

I held off contact, knowing this was a possibility. Sure enough, a few days later, this message arrives:

Scott,
I'm rather new to the online dating thing, but I think it would be better to meet the first time in a public place like a restaurant, and not in the woods. Let's hook up in [small town]. I found this:

[restaraunt weblink]

Or I'm open to other suggestions. [Nearby small town] might have more to offer than [City with the park].

Sorry about the last minute request for a change. Are you OK with this?
I'll follow up with a phone call, too.

Now, I'm in a tricky situation.

I need to reset the comfort/tension balance.

And I need to stay idealizable.

How do I do it?

We'll continue tomorrow.