War Story: No Pictures, Plenty of Problems.

One of the questions that people most commonly email me is, "What do you do when someone doesn't put up a picture?"

Most of the time... it isn't a problem. Since I've been doing this, almost no women have had the guts to enter open communication without a photo. The vast majority of people who don't provide photos are "window shoppers" who don't respond to questions.

I've only had one recent exception. Our communication was interesting, to say the least.

Since I (of course) initiated, she wrote the first letter....

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Subject: Hi
Message: Hi Scott,

I hope you're having a good weekend. Are you doing anything special for the long weekend? What do you like to do in your free time?

I'd love for you to tell me more about yourself. Have you always lived in ______? How/why did you decide to become a _____? Your first job sounds like a learning experience--how did you decide to move on? Are you pleased with your current job?

Have a great afternoon,

(Her name)

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Well, I've clearly piqued her interest.

Right now, it's a matter of principle.

She wants me to write long essays describing myself, when she hasn't even provided a photo? Considering she lives 2 hours away?

That's just plain disrespectful, in my humble opinion.

But, it is, in a way, pretty funny. I don't know who she is, or even if she's for real... and she wants me to write a book for her, for just the faint glimmer of hope that I'll be able to meet her.

I can have a lot of fun with that.

It follows the same gist as my usual opening email, but centers the "challenge" and "questions" around her lack of a photo.

And, yes, I've adapted the punchline from Dave M. But he frequently writes about it in his free email list... so I don't think he'll mind seeing it here.

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Sender: Scott
Subject: RE: Hi

Message: Hi, _____! I've gotta run to join some friends, but I just wanted to touch base quickly. It's nice to be able to talk to each other (sort of) like normal people!

Anyway, you do seem like an interesting, dedicated, and intelligent woman. If you ARE a woman, that is. It's hard to tell, when you aren't providing photos...

Talk later!

- Scott

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Ever the intrigued one, she wrote back hours later...

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Subject: RE: Hi
Message: Hi Scott,

Let me assure you that I am definitely a woman! Sorry about not having a picture. It's a bit of a story, but I'm working on it.

Have a good evening,

(Her name)

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Normally, I'd close at this point. It's clear that she's either so egotistic that she expects me to write books for her in exchange for little in return... or she's hiding something. But, I wanted to prepare this as a potential war story for the blog... so, I amplified the tension. And the joke.

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Sender: Scott
Subject: RE: Hi

Message: That's exactly what "Talia" said.

Wait a minute...

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She's intrigued. I've set the bar - if she wants to get to know me, she's got to show that she's not hiding something behind the lack of photo. And she's only earning dismissive one-liners until then... (In fact, I'm not even bothering to change subject lines.) But, undeterred, she tries again.

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Subject: RE: Hi
Date: 05/28/07 06:44PM

Message: You have to share this story! Who is Talia and what happened? I'm on the edge of my chair!

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Nice try... but until she starts sharing, she's getting more of the same...

(Yes, Talia is real, and it is a good story, but sharing it would be rewarding her bad behavior.)

---

Sender: Scott
Subject: RE: Hi

Message: Cool. I've always wanted to know how to keep a cross-dresser in suspense...

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A week passes. And, clearly, she's pretty stressed out, based on the multiple misspellings in this letter:

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Subject: RE: Hi

Message: The one liners are really getting old. You have yet to answer any question I have asked and have used rude humor. Just for your information, I recently moved back to ______ because my father was diagnosed with lung cancer and most of my belongings are still in storage. Inbetween working and caring for him I've been building a life for myself and posting a picutre has not been my first priority. If you want to see a pictur of me, you can go to jdate. My user name is _________. Good luck to you.

---

Mystery solved. This is what she was hiding, and why she's having so much difficulty seeing outside of herself. I feel bad for her. But I also know that, until she's got her life in order... she's not ready for the kind of relationship that I want.

I didn't even look her photo up. Instead, I wrote this letter.

Yes, I went into "lecture mode" a bit, which is not effective for "pickup". But this isn't about pickup anymore.

---

Sender: Scott
Subject: Sorry...
Message: I didn't realize what you must be going through right now. I still can't imagine what it's like for you. My prayers are with you during this difficult time.

When you're at a point in your life where talking to a guy isn't a burden, a little banter can be fun, and you can see that the photo itself was not the point... feel free to email me at ______.

Best of luck.

---

And I closed the match.

Sometimes, the victory isn't getting the girl. It's keeping yourself safe and sane... and holding out for what you want.

By the way, when I went back to "Closed matches" to copy this transcript, I noticed that she has, since, put up a photo.

And, yes, she is really overweight.

You may be missing out...

In the last week alone, our Google Group has discussed a lot of things that aren't on the blog. Among these:

• Age limits
• Ways to tell if a woman has read your profile
• What you can (and can't) do with an expired account

People are also talking about getting feedback from their fellow members about their profiles and communications...

Frankly, it's a better start than I expected.

And if you're not a member of this group.. you're definitely missing out on a lot of great information and discussion.

So... why delay? Join now!

Should I wait for her to open?

Yesterday, I described my "one week test". In my beta-tester's hands, it was a pretty good method to see if your profile is successful in hooking womens' interest.

Some of you may be asking me, "Should I usually wait for a woman to open communication?"

Probably not.

First of all - a lot of women, especially those new to online "dating", are still nervous about making initial contact with a man. So, if you don't make the initial contact, you're just not going to reach this group of women.

But, perhaps even more importantly, attractive women get plenty of attention from guys.

In fact, it can be overwhelming. My welcome packet goes into a lot of detail on this.

And when a woman is overwhelmed, she probably won't open the contacts that aren't contacting her. And if she doesn't open your profile, you won't get anywhere.

So... if you're interested, don't let her sit around. Open her.

And if you're not interested... don't let her block you from receiving further matches.

How do you know when your profile works?

Okay, you've tuned your profile, and you think it's intriguing.

How do you know if it's really working?

Back when I beta-tested the eHarmony Cracked system, I devised something that I call the "One week test."

Basically, put your profile up for a week. Get new matches coming in. (At that time, I told them to log in daily and request matches. Today, I'd tell them to run the eHarmony Blog Script.) But don't initiate communication with anyone.

At the end of the week, see what percentage of women initiated contact on their own.

My beta-testers were experienced online daters, who were becoming quite successful on other sites. Before they received any instruction from me, their percentages ran into the 10% range.

When they started to follow my profile building advice, percentages ran into the 50-70% range.

So... if you're really wondering whether your "hooks" are doing the job... run this test. Then, you'll know.

Last call for contest entries...

Just to remind all you programmers out there...

Our contest is still running.

So far... the only entry is the original eHarmony Blog script.

And if you develop the best eHarmony Match management software (and right now, that bar is set awfully low), you're entitled to:

• A personal consultation with me. (And my personal time is valuable. I will rarely offer it, at any price.)
• You'll keep the intellectual rights to your software.
• You'll be able to charge future developers for the rights to use your code as a base for better programs.
  
• You have a ready audience for "improved" versions of your program... and the right to charge as much as the market will bear.

Not bad, if you ask me.

I'd enter myself... but the last time I wrote computer code was on a TRS-80 with 48K of RAM.

Okay, I pulled a little bit of a trick there...

Okay, I pulled a little trick with yesterday's article.

You know those cliches that women use?

A lot of men use the same ones.

And, when women read these cliches, they react the same way that we do.

We roll our eyes, and go, "Oh no... not another one." And that's not the reaction that we want.

Some cliches, however, are unique to men...

Remember, "I love watching (the local sports team)?"

This is the female version of "I like typical guy things." So, when men try to do this, they put in typical girl things. The mildest versions include enjoying the arts. In it's most extreme form... you see romantic strolls on the beach, chick flicks, flowers... you get the idea.

But if you really are one of those guys?

First of all, don't make it a bribe.

Second, don't be vague. Be very specific. If you are an artist, describe your work. If you like certain types of art, describe what you like, and how it expands you. It's this level of specificity that will separate you from the phonies that swarm eHarmony.

And if you really are that guy... it shouldn't be hard to do.

The Drinking Game

You'll hear a lot of things from me about cliches to avoid.

But, let's face it. Women's profiles have a lot of cliches, too.

So, just for a break of pace, when you're ready to have a drinking game with your buddies... Go over your closed profiles, and have a drink when you hit one of these babies.

I guarantee - you'll be good and plastered in an hour. Probably less.

• "I love to travel."
• "I like the outdoors."
• "I like to go out, but I like quiet evenings too."
• "I'm really into (local sports team)." (And it's almost always a lie...)
• "I look and act a lot younger." (Red flag - she's hiding her age...)
• "I'm tired of playing games." / "I'm ready for a real relationship."
  
• "I love my (dog or cat)"
• "I just moved from ____"
• "I'm usually shy at first..."
• "I love my (son/daughter) more than anything."
• "(Referring to a picture with a child) That's a picture of my nephew."
• Answers to the "Book you most recently enjoyed": "The Secret", "The Notebook", Harry Potter, or The DaVinci Code.
  
• Answer to "Non-physical trait most people notice" : "My smile."
• "I work hard, but I play hard too."

I'm sure we can come up with more... leave a comment.