Stressed over Valentine's Day Plans?

At least you're not doing this.

What do you want?

Next, we'll tackle the question, "What is the most important quality that you are looking for in a person"?

This is an opportunity to show that you're a mature man, who values himself.

And of course, most people don't do well at accomplishing that.

The most common response men make... is to avoid this question. Which, of course, makes you look like you don't value yourself. And if you don't value yourself, what value is a woman going to place on you?

The next most common mistake? Answering with a long laundry list. And a lot of times, this demonstrates insecurity, "baggage issues", and immaturity.

So, how do you avoid these traps?

Look closely at the question. Did you notice that it only asks for one quality?

Pick one quality that you're looking for, and state your case passionately. If you've done this successfully, you'll usually demonstrate some positive things about yourself in the process.

Of course, you have more standards... but don't talk about them. Yet. In order to build attraction, you need to make her nervous about whether she's meeting your standards. If you reveal them all now, it's difficult to develop that tension.

A few mistakes here?

Avoid talking about physical attributes. Of course, women know that you're looking for physical attractiveness. You're a guy, it goes without saying. She'll be providing a photo, and you can reject her if she doesn't meet your standards. But very few women only want to be seen for their beauty. And those are women that should be avoided.

Also, avoid those "baggage issues". We've all been hurt. Most of us have had bad relationships or losses in the past. Other people have personal hang-ups or anxieties. And there is a time to share these with a potential partner. But they shouldn't be the first things that a woman sees about you. Stick with the positive.

Tomorrow... it's time to talk about yourself again. Stay tuned.

Giving your headlights a nice shine...

In previous segments, I gave you keys on what to write about when you were asked to talk about your passion, and who's influenced you. (Advice on other sections is coming... be patient.)

Now, you've got a good, interesting, emotional core for your writing. And, although that's an important ingredient... there's another one that makes your writing more effective.

I'm sure that most of you have at least heard about the book (and movie) "Silence of the Lambs". And most of you have at least heard of it's sequel, "Hannibal".

"Silence of the Lambs" was an exciting story. However, "Hannibal" was generally seen as stupid, and not very intriguing at all. Why was there such a difference?

The answer was simple. In "Silence of the Lambs", you were kept in suspense. You knew that Hannibal was a superintelligent, bloodthirsty animal. You were intrigued by his mental cruelty, and his evolving scheme to free himself from prison. And you didn't know what happened until the end.

In "Hannibal", you saw him kill people. Gee, he's free. He's going to kill people. No suspense there, just a foregone, disgusting conclusion.

Knowing that, we can guide our profiles to be much more effective. We know that we need to tell just enough about ourselves to build interest, intrigue, and separate ourselves from the pack of average chumps. Enough to build that suspense and tension.

And make them want to hear the rest of the story. Because, if you tell the whole story... the suspense ends.

Since you now know the principle behind suspense-building, here are some tricks you can use sparingly in your profile to build that tension.

• When the question asks for "One" or "The most", say (or imply) that there are many more. But don't talk about them.
• Leave a few open conversational hooks. For example, tell them about the time that you had an argument with a midget. That's unique, and it grabs attention. They're going to wonder about the details... where you came across him, what you argued about, what happened as a result. But force 'em to communicate in order to answer those questions.
• If you want to insert what I call the "nuclear bomb", take something interesting, and tell them about how they really need to get to know you well before you talk about that. It's a powerful technique. Use it only once in your profile, and make it surround a statement that draws emotion. (My welcome package explained where I used this bomb in my profile.)

... Our tour of "About Me" continues tomorrow. Enjoy the ride.

(And read my past posts. They contain great examples of how I build tension.)

What NOT to put in your profile!

... If you use ANYTHING from this video in your profile, I may have to come to your house and slap you...

Mailbag: Fast Track, Echoes from the Blogosphere

It's time for another edition of the mailbag...

Our first writer asks:

"I've thought about starting with a fast track [...] What do you think?"

I've experimented with Fast Track. If it's given before closed-ended questioning, I've never had a positive response.

Obviously, I can't ask women why it didn't work. But I have some good guesses.

In part, this is due to the structure of eHarmony. Since eHarmony quickly figured out that members often used FastTrack requests to slip email addresses to nonmembers, they changed the Fast Track policy. Essentially, a woman, before reading what you have to say, has to decide whether or not to accept your invitation.

I think that many women, upon receiving a Fast Track this soon, begin to think that you're becoming overly friendly before you've had a chance to know them. It makes them uncomfortable.

On the other hand, if you're really in a rush, I've often been successful in initiating Fast Track before open-ended questioning. But I've also found that, when I do this, my odds of actually meeting them dropped. (Why? I'll explain when I begin to talk about open-ended questioning.)

Bottom line: Offering fast-track makes women feel less comfortable. Women already feel "attacked" by the average chumps who declare their infatuation before they've met... you can't afford to make yourself look like that.

... but if you decide to experiment, and find a way to make fast-tracks work, email me. I'll pass it on, and give you credit. (If you want it.)

Next, I'll cheat a little. This is actually from the blogosphere. It seems the eHarmony Blog has written this post about us...

Thanks for the publicity. I'm sure that you'll find us quite interesting.

But it does bring up some points, that I thought my readership might be interested in.

First of all, is this website "bait" for a future commercial product?

I haven't completely ruled out the creation of a product. But I find it very unlikely that I will.

At first, I thought of publishing my "system". Unfortunately, in my field testing, I found it's appeal to be very limited.

Average chumps desperately want to buy into the eHarmony line that you don't need to work on your "image", and that the great eHarmony computer will make it easy for them. And when they find that that theory doesn't work... they leave. So, most average chumps won't be interested in my book.

On the other hand, people who do buy "products" to improve their skills with women hate eHarmony. (The most influential rant can be found here. ) When they find that their bar or other online "techniques" don't work... they tend to run away.

So, my audience is limited. And my goal isn't to raise money. I'm financially very secure. My goal is to help the limited audience who will benefit from my experience.

The most efficient way to do that? Hide it a little bit... (hence the hoopty website), but if someone shows that they want it, give it away. So, here I am.

As far as this board being for men? Hell, yes. And I'll never apologize for it.

... And if you call self-confidence, self-value, respect, and honesty a "game", I'm all for it.

Who influenced your life?

The second essay that women read is, "Who has been the most influential person in your life, and why?"

Most men are also vague when they answer this question. Or they try to weasel out of it altogether.

Unfortunately, this question is a subtle maturity test. If you don't answer, it makes women uncomfortable.

So... think about some of the turning points in your life. What are some of the best decisions you made? Who influenced those decisions that helped you feel happier and more satisfied with your life?

Bingo. That's your target.

Now, write your answer. Name the person, and say (but don't dwell on) how you've changed after meeting them.

One caveat: A lot of times, changing points in our lives are associated with pain. And that's OK, to an extent. However, if you bring up topics like death, disease, poverty, or disaster, your essay should focus upon how these were overcome, and not upon the tragedy itself.

This is a section that will probably need some "buffing", and we'll talk about that process soon. But, at least you've got the basis of an answer that will demonstrate your maturity, and, again, put you ahead of the people who did not.

Got any great answers? Or answers that you think need work? Put them in the comments section!

Bribes don't work!

While I'm on the subject of answering specific sections of the "About me" profile... there is a category of answers that must be avoided in your profile.

Those of you who received my welcome package already know them well...

The "bribe" answers.

The goal of your profile is to describe why you're an interesting person. Sure, quality women won't mind if you make a lot of money, drive a nice car, and will treat a woman (who has earned his affections) well. But if you're not an interesting person... you're a suckup when you offer these things. And, if all you have to offer a woman is a bribe... you don't have any value.

You need to sell her on your personality, not on bribes. And if you need to know why... you really need to ask for my welcome packet.

Why do I bring this up now?

Because there are several "multiple choice" answers that offer these unappealing bribes.

In your "Three Relationship Strengths" section, I would avoid:

"You are good at motivating others toward positive goals"
"You are a dependable and caring partner"
"You tend to work hard at making sure that others are happy"
"You are excellent at listening to the concerns of others"
"You are good at helping others to reach their goals"
"You are skilled at being diplomatic with people in all settings"
"You like to be supportive in a relationship"
You are very respectful of the needs and wants of other people"
"You tend to give others a sense of self-reliance and strength in a relationship"

Note the emphasis of these answers. They focus on how you make others feel and not what you are. And, unless the woman is sure that they like who you are, these things become shallow bribes.

Other bribe traps?

Best life skills: avoid "Creating romance in a relationship", and "Earning income to provide for my family".

Under four things your family say about you: "Romantic".

And in your open-ended questions... focus on who you are, not on what you offer.

Writing about your passion

Leave it to eHarmony. The first essay, "What are you most passionate about?", can be a great vehicle to generate intrigue.

And, luckily for you, it rarely is.

The average chump is extremely vague when they answer this question.

Some respond with one sentence, or even one word.

Other people respond with laundry lists of things they enjoy, but don't demonstrate any passion or emotion beyond the "I like".

And when you demonstrate no passion over the thing that you say that you're most passionate about... you either look like a phony, or a passionless robot.

And that's what most people do. So, you're going to do better, and you're going to start this essay on a strong foot.

What subject do you talk about most? The one that makes you excited, that you can talk forever about?

You probably have several subjects like this. Pick one, and do what you naturally do - write about it, be emotional, and capture your audience with the emotion you naturally project.

A few pitfalls here:

• If you have several passions, great. Say it. But only talk about one passion. Make her wonder about the other ones you may have!
• If possible, it's best to avoid the superficial. Guys can get emotional about things like cars, sports, stereo equipment, and so on. But it's not an experience most women can share.
• Especially, avoid "geeky" topics like science fiction, comic books, role-playing games, or computers. They're also superficial, and, even if you can make one of these activities look significant, you're fighting the perception that you're socially inept. Even among women who might share your interest!
• If you talk about work, make sure that people can see that it's important, and also see that you have a life outside of work as well.
• Unless you're only looking for women who agree with you, don't choose narrow political or religious doctrines. (If you are... more power to you. Speak with passion.) Sometimes, you can salvage this by backing down a few notches (for example, talking passionately about how having a spiritual life is important, rather than about religious doctrine)... but it takes some skill.
• And, for Pete's sake, don't talk about meeting your next girlfriend or wife in this section at all. Few women want to be the only thing in a man's life, and you don't want to meet the ones that do!

I don't believe that this is a section where specific examples can be successfully given... If you think you have a winner, put in the comment section! If you think it needs work... put it in the comment section. I'm sure we can give each other some great feedback!

Mailbag: Dealing with photophobia and selective Christians

Let's dip into our mailbag today.

Our first writer asks:

"I generally close out any match sent to me that does not have a picture uploaded, I figure, if they are afraid to show a pic, then they are probably ugly. Your thoughts?"

There are a lot of reasons why a woman might be reluctant to post a picture. Unfortunately, the most common reason is because they logged onto the service to see what it's like, took the personality profile, and abandoned the service soon after. This covers about 90% of the women who don't leave a photo, in my experience. Other tell-tale signs include the use of an obvious pseudonym, and blank "about me" questions.

Generally, I close these matches. If they're real, they can always send a final response. But keeping people like this off of your "active" list clears the way for more matches, so it's worth purging these people quickly.

What about the other 10%?

There are a lot of explanations as to why a woman might not leave a photo. She may be truly ugly. She may just be insecure about her looks. (Many attractive women are.) She may be afraid that someone she knows will see her on the service. Or she may be very attractive, and sick of men hitting on her without reading her profile. Or (and this is the most common reason), they still aren't sure yet about whether or not they want to meet someone on eHarmony.

So, what do I do if I decide to give her a chance?

I hold my picture back. The photo caption will read that I have a picture, but I've chosen not to share it yet. And I'll start communication.

If she hasn't shared her picture by the time we've finished exchanging must haves/can't stands, I'll reveal it then.

Most women, at this point, will put a picture up. And if they don't, they'll give their excuses quickly during open communication. Do you want to accept the excuses? That's up to you.

By the way... if your social calendar isn't too full, you might want to consider meeting some of the ugly ones. In my experience, eHarmony is much better at predicting friendship than romantic potential. It's good practice, and ugly women will often have cute friends. Just a thought.

Another letter reads:

"I've thought about staring on eHarmony, but I don't hold any religious beliefs. I'm afraid I won't find anyone through the service."

True, there are going to be a number of women who will say that they only want to meet someone of their religion. But, did you really want to meet those women?

I'll speak with some experience here. I'm Jewish, and I was not willing to meet people who weren't. That instantly excluded 94% of the membership. Plus, I had to have a personality match. That excluded another large chunk the eHarmony population.

But, thanks to the constant advertising, the population is huge. And, although I rarely saw a potential match in my mid-sized city, I got interesting matches from nearby large cities on a regular basis.

My advice? Lose the fear. Sign up, take the profile, and see what matches you get. If you don't get any, you don't have to subscribe.

That's all for now. We will now return to our regularly scheduled programming...

The Weasel Words

In my last section, we talked about how important it was to write a profile that describes yourself, instead of a profile that only demonstrates your fear of describing yourself.

A profile that succeeds in doing that is instantly different from 99% of the other profiles on eHarmony. Writing such a profile makes you look genuine and confident.

Now, it's time to take a look at the profile you have written. I've taught you one "trick" to try to make yourself more confident and interesting... but, still, reducing that fear of evaluation is hard.
Now, it's time to edit your essay, and see where these fears might have gotten the better of you.

Here's a sure sign: When you're saying something about yourself, and you're not sure whether or not the other person will accept it, people inevitably start putting in "Weasel words".

They're the words that say, "I'm like this... but I'm not sure you're going to accept it, so I'll just say I'm 'kinda' like that. That way, if you don't like it, I'm not in trouble."

But, when women see these phrases, they don't see an easygoing guy. They see someone who's so afraid of being rejected that they'll say ANYTHING to keep a woman interested.

Some of the weasel words?

"Sometimes"
"Usually"
"I don't know"
"Many times"
"I tend to"
"I seem to be"
"I try to"
"Quite"
"Often"

Putting conditions on your answers, invariably, weakens them. If a sentence doesn't describe you, don't try to make it more accurate by adding weasel-words, or weasel-phrases. Just replace it with something that DOES describe you accurately.

It's difficult. I had difficulty doing it myself. But every time I started to purge the "weasel lines" from my profile, my results always improved. I'm sure that yours will as well.

Next: You said you need more concrete examples of good answers? You got it. We'll start with our next section.

Thoughts about "membership"

Turns out, I accidentally left the site open for all to view. It also seems like someone's mentioning us in Wikipedia, which has driven in quite a few new people. Welcome!

Now that I've had some time to think... I've decided to stop making this site a private club. So, unless comment spam becomes a problem, I think I'll leave it this way.

And for the new members... welcome. And feel free to email me. I have a present waiting for you.

Disagree? Email me.

Who wants a 66% discount?

Money saving hint: When you play hard to get with eHarmony... They start giving you discounts. Wait long enough, and you'll start getting offers to join or rejoin at 3 months for the price of one.

Since I'm not using the service, I get these offers often. When there's a valid code, I'll put it in the toolbar on the left.

If anyone discovers new discount codes, please email them for me to share!

How are we doing?

Well, we've come through our first week.

Time for you to give me some feedback.

What troubles are you having with eHarmony?

I'm writing with the assumption that most people are having trouble getting responses to their profiles. But if people are having more problems in later phases, I'd be happy to move my emphasis.

Are people having difficulty holding women's attention during guided communication? Or having trouble getting phone numbers? Or generating romantic/sexual tension on the date? Let me know. I'll probably cover these topics over the next few weeks... but if more people are having trouble with these than with the profile-building process, I'd be happy to tackle them sooner.

Is there anything that I'm writing that's unclear? Or doesn't make sense?

Is there something that you're looking forward to reading?

Leave a comment. Let me know. I want this website to support your needs.

Stopping the fear - before it starts.

In my last post, I talked about how most people's fears prevent them from writing effective profiles. I'm now going to spend a few articles describing how to combat those fears, and allow you to really express your individuality through the profile.

One key to writing an effective profile is being in a good mood. Most people rush in to fill in their profiles after answering the personality profile questions.

After answering over 100 multiple-choice questions, I don't think anyone is in the proper mental space to write themselves a good profile. So, take a break.

Turn off your matches. Get a good night's sleep. Attack it in the morning, when you're in a good mood.

If you already have a profile, and you wrote it 5 minutes after finishing your personality survey, consider starting over.

Now, you can approach these questions fresh, with an open mind.

Now, look at the open-ended questions.

If your friend asked you those questions, what would your answer be?

Don't censor yourself. Write the answer that you'd give your friend. And don't you dare try to wimp out of answering them!

It's important that you answer these questions without wondering how a potential woman would interpret them.

If you start to feel that pressure... try to ignore it.

If you start to type, and you feel the urge to censor yourself, ask yourself these questions:

Am I censoring myself because this answer doesn't describe me well? If so, you have my permission to change it. You're changing it for the right reasons.

Am I censoring myself because I'm typing something bad? Well, if the answer doesn't say something positive about yourself, you probably should change it. Go ahead, and say something good about yourself.

Am I censoring myself because some women might not like it? Sorry, that's not a good reason. As I've said, women are sick of boring, inoffensive profiles of "men" who are afraid to describe themselves. You're doing the right thing. Keep your answer. It's probably just fine! (There are some topics to avoid, but we'll cover those in another post.)

There. Now that we've taken away that internal censor, you've probably got the basis for a good profile. In future segments, we'll talk about other refinements we can make to make your profile more effective.

Why most people can't write good profiles

In other areas, pick-up artists have a lot of things they can use to get a woman's attention.

They can used canned openers which they know women respond to.

They can grab attention with a unique cocky and funny remark.

They can write attention-grabbing first emails.

But, on eHarmony, those tricks are stripped away. All you have is your profile. You have to get a woman's attention by presenting yourself in an interesting way.

Acually, that's not so hard to do. If you have friends, what do you usually do when you get together? You tell stories. You talk about your plans, what's going on in your life, and gossip about the other people in your life. They do the same. And you interest each other enough that you want to keep meeting to do the same thing.

So, if you're doing it all the time, why is it so difficult to write a profile?

It boils down to one word -- fear.

With your friends, you can talk because you know that they're probably going to like their stories. But, when you throw it out to your eHarmony masses... the questions start to circle our heads:

Am I saying something that people will misinterpret?
Am I going to end up in a relationship like that other one?
What if no one likes this?
Is anyone going to actually understand what I'm interested in?
What if she doesn't think I'm funny?

So, we play it safe. We try to weasel out of tricky questions, because we're afraid that people won't like our answers. We put up our defenses, to make sure that another woman doesn't do the same thing the last one did. And we're so busy being safe that we don't succeed in telling our stories.

And, when we don't get responses, the questions become louder. We scan our profiles, trying to edit out anything that might offend someone. And, actually, the profile gets worse in the process!

A good eHarmony profile is not safe. At my peak, about 1 woman in 10 sent me the message, "Based on statements made in the profile, I'm not interested in this match".

Did I really care? No. I still had dates every week. And I had more women wanting to meet me than I could schedule. So, why do I want to waste time with a woman who won't like who I am?

When you put yourself out there, and people respond... it's a great feeling.

So, how do you recognize and conquer these fears? Tune in for my next article.

Profile Clinic - "I Can't Get Any Women to Respond."

Just the other day, I recieved an email that illustrates the point of my last article beautifully. He writes:

"Glad to see you got a blog going. Lately I have turned matches back on on eHarmony and I can not get any of these women to respond. I need to add some more humor in my profile but I am not sure what it is missing that would cause them to not respond, I do have 2 good pic's posted as well, so if you could do a profile critique, I would love to get your opinion. Profile attached. "

No responses... but no rejections either. I'm getting a sense of what's wrong already. You're not generating interest. Let's see why. I'll channel my inner diva, and we'll take a look, from a hypothetical woman's perspective. (I gotta warn you. She's harsh. But you can learn a lot from her. And it's great entertainment.) Let's start with the first part:

1. What are you most passionate about?

I am passionate about making sure I try to live all areas of my life to the fullest. Those areas include many different things

He's typed almost 25 words, and, so far, has only stated a platitude. He's said nothing interesting about himself... so we're off to a very shaky start. But, hey, I've had a good strong cup of coffee, and I feel like ranting. So, let's give him a chance...

, right now one of them is focusing more on what my next travel destination is and what new culture I can learn about. I have learned over the years that life get's pretty routine if you are only focused only on your career.

Well, we've reached something that MIGHT be interesting... he's passionate about the next trip he's taking. That took seven words. Other than those seven words, he drifts off into platitudes again. So... I'm still very bored. So far, he looks like those other boring profiles I passed up...

2. What are the THREE things for which you are MOST thankful?

• Health
• Friends abd Family
• Career

If you had typed something interesting in step 1, I might forgive that you've said the same things here that 90% of the other guys have said. But, you didn't. And I'm still bored! (And you can't spell "and"?)

3. Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

It's hard for me to select one individual person that has had the most impact on my life. I have tended to pull little things here and there from all sorts of people that have been involved in my life.

Moving from boring to wimpy. Is it really true that he can't think of any specific person who's had an impact on his life? Doubtful. It's probably because he's too much of a weenie to actually say something about himself.

4. The four things your friends say about you are:
Respectful
Intelligent
Easy-Going
Funny

... I'm not seeing it so far. In fact, it seems inconsistent with the rest of the profile.

5. What are three of your BEST life-skills?

· Using humor to make friends laugh
· Being a good friend and companion
· Making improvements and repairs around the house

Yup. I'm glad I've finally found a man who can fix my appliances... take me now.

6. What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?

Of course everyone wants the person in their life to have a sense of humor, but most of all I like a woman that has a beautiful energy to her and is happy about life. Show me a beautiful smile and a woman who is happy about life and living it and you'll have my attention.

Oh, boy. I get to compare myself to a list of more platitudes. How flattering.

7. Other than your appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?
I think they notice that I am a funny, interesting and cool person to get to know.

Anyone can say that they're funny, interesting and cool. But you aren't showing it.

8. What is the ONE thing that people DON'T notice about you right away that you WISH they WOULD?
I haven't noticed anything that they don't notice about me right away :-)

Another question dodged - wimp. And I still haven't learned why you're worth spending more time with...

9. How do you typically spend your leisure time?
Let's see....it's seems to be changing, I have a variety of things I like to spend my time doing, one in particular is skeet shooting...it's great to get outside with my friend and shoot some clay pigeons, we usually go early in the morning and it's right on the water overlooking the bay...I love it. As far as all the other things I spend time doing, you'll have to ask me if, and when we meet.

Okay. You said something that separates you from the other people. But I still don't relate to it. Much less see why it's worth getting up early in the morning. It's a hobby, I suppose, but I'm not intrigued. And, right now, I'm struggling to stay awake reading this profile, much less expressing any interest in meeting you.

10. What are five things that you "can't live without?"

Air Conditioning
Good people in my life
XM Radio
Friends/Family
A little peace and quite from time to time

Maybe if you talked about some of these things, I might relate. Too bad you misspelled quiet...

11. Describe the last book that you read and enjoyed. What was it about? What did you like most about it?

Reed? Wha's reeding mean, like reeding comic bouks and stuph. Ohh..READING...

Boy, that was a desparate attempt at humor... If you're funny, it isn't forced.

Well I read a lot of very thick technical books in order to advance my career. But as far as reading for pleasure, I don't take a lot of time for that, but I do try and get most of the books I want to read on tape or CD.

Don't care. Quit making excuses, wimp.

The one I am currently listening to is "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind"

And then you end it. So, all it is to me is an isloated title. You haven't raised my interest at all, yet...

12. Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know

They know that I am determined in life. That if I try something out weather it be a business venture or a new way of doing things and it doesn't succeed, I will bounce back and move onto my next challenge.

If at first you don't succeed, give it 105%! Make lemons out of lemonade! Every cloud has a silver lining! G-d, I'm so sick of these platitudes.

13. Is there any additional information you would like your matches to know about you?

I would like them to know I am a hard nut to crack because I see how many woman these day's are very shallow and only after what can benefit them,because of this I am a challenge, mysterious, funny, and not afraid to put you in your place with a little verbal playfulness
:-) Please be unique and special, more than just a pretty face. Beauty is common, It's something your parents or that plastic surgeon downtown gave you. What counts is what you make of yourself, do you have a beautiful energy about you, an enticing personality?...then I am all ears.

The diva has left the building. Mutterred something about "This guy has issues".

I get what you're trying to do with this paragraph. Many pick-up artists advocate making a woman qualify herself to be with you. But a woman won't qualify herself unless she has some interest in you. And, so far, you haven't provided that interest. It's the wrong time.

Actually, the diva was harsh. But she's seen a lot of profiles. And, actually, your profile is about as bad as the average chump's, so it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. The problem is, desirable women have plenty of average profiles to read.

How can we fix this? I don't think I have the basis to write a GREAT profile. But, I think we can raise women's interest levels to a point where you'll get some responses.

Here's where I'd apply the band-aids. You'll want to change the wording, so you sound like you instead of me.

Question 1: Cut the introduction down to, "I'm passionate about a lot of things, but, right now, I'm really stoked about my next vacation -", and tell her one thing that you're really looking forward to doing. And make it something interesting - something she'll want to ask questions about.

Question 3: Don't be a wimp. What's an important lesson you learned in your life? Is it a lesson people relate to? Who taught it to you?

Question 4 & 5: Make the adjectives consistent with the rest of the profile. And lose the "I can fix things in the house for you."

Question 6: Pick one quality. You might do well with, "I'm happy with my life. It's important that you be happy with yours, too." There. You've set a bar that people understand.

Question 7: Say one thing, and demonstrate it.

Question 8 & 12: Answer the questions. It doesn't have to be deep. Just a little interesting. "I have a hidden collection of Wayne Newton records". "I've got an irrational fear of red socks." Anything is better than what you've already written.

Question 9: Why is skeet-shooting exciting to you? Is it time with your friend? If so, what makes his company that interesting? Is it the feeling you get when you hit your targets? Give her an emotion. Let her know why it keeps you intrigued. Focus on the feeling, not the event.

Question 10: Correct your typo. Otherwise, it's not bad...

Question 11: She doesn't care about what you read at work, or if you heard it on audio. Just pick a book you liked, and tell her why it intrigued you.

Question 13: Dump it. Keep it simple. How about... "Intrigued? Let's communicate."

Answer this way... and she'll know a little bit about you. When you give her a little bit, she'll want to know more.

Write me back. Let me know how you do. Good or bad, I'll share it with everyone.

Why is writing an intriguing profile hard? And why are they so uncommon? That's the subject of my next article...

Why PUA approaches don't work

In the beginning... there were the PUAs. (Pick-up Artists) Essentially, a group of nerds who used their intellect and bravery to scientifically figure out how to attract desirable women.

Their first target - the bar.

And they became successful. They discovered that, in order to be successful at bar pickup, they had to do what most people didn't.

Most people would buy drinks for a woman before even talking to her, give shallow compliments, or try to brag about themselves. The PUAs became successful by doing something completely different. They pretended not to pay attention to their "target" at all - only to start an interesting conversation with their friends. They didn't buy drinks. They didn't brag about themselves. And they made the woman earn more time with them.

Eventually, the PUAs spawned a rule. "Don't say anything about yourself. Be a mystery, and make her earn that information." And it is a good rule for bar pickup. Some elements of this are still valid in open communication.

But there's a good reason why that rule has to change, if you're going to write a successful profile on eHarmony.

The trouble is, most men's profiles are very generic. They don't say a lot about themselves. So, the rule "Don't say anything about yourself" does nothing to separate yourself from the crowd of people asking a desirable woman to start communication.

To separate yourself from the crowd, you need to do something that most people don't. You need to say something about yourself that is interesting.

That doesn't sound very difficult, does it? Unfortunately, most men have difficulty accomplishing this goal.

Why? That's a subject for my next segment... Stay tuned.

And so, it begins...

Here it is. My first attempt to come out from behind my focus groups.

People probably need an introduction... so here it is.

What is eHarmony Cracked all about?
eHarmony can be a great way to expand your social circle, and meet "compatible" women that you, otherwise, may not have met.

Unfortunately, although eHarmony is good at matching people who may be "compatible", it does little to help its members present themselves in the most appealing way possible.

What will we be talking about?
I have quite a few things that I'll be blending together in this site. My emphasis will be on areas where I believe I can provide unique insights. These include:

• The mental game - In PUA circles, this is often called, "Inner Game". Unfortunately, people who are unsuccessful in dating fall into a spiral of failure. Seeing themselves as failing, they try harder to please a woman. Unfortunately, these behaviors signal that you're wounded... and women prefer to stay away. In my "Mental game" articles, we'll talk about how you recognize these behaviors, and how to change them. And, in the process... I bet you'll feel a lot better about yourself, as well!
• Attracting through eHarmony - Once you've got the mental game down, this part becomes a lot easier. But, some people who are in the failure spiral need concrete examples of how people with proper "mental game" act. By following this advice... you should see improvements, from building attractive profiles, all the way through those first dates.
• The "long game" - Many PUA sites give great advice on how to get through the first dates. Unfortunately, there's little written about how to maintain (or end) a long-term relationship. To be truthful, I don't think there CAN be any experts on this... but I'm going to give it a shot.
• Ramblings - Hey, it's my blog. Sometimes, I'll just want to rant. Maybe you'll learn something, and maybe you won't, and maybe we'll have some good discussions in the "comments" sections.

Things that I'll talk about a little (but not a lot, because other sites cover them well):

• The first dates. How to move from attraction in the virtual world to the real world.
• Earning the "milestones". (Making out, escalating to sex, etc.)

Things I won't be talking about:

• Bar/live pickup. There are TONS of good Pick-up websites and resources. (And, frankly, I suck. For me, it's an ineffecient way to meet the people that I want, so, I just don't get practice.)
• Using other dating websites. Again, there are lots of good resources.

Who can be a member?

I've restricted this website to members. Basically, I only want this to be read by people who will actually use and contribute.

If you're reading this, you're a member.

If you know someone who would be a good member, email me. I'll add him or her to the list.

... but, you are responsible for the behavior of your guests. If you invite a lot of bad guests, you risk losing your membership. So, choose your friends wisely.

A few words from our lawyers

This site is not affiliated with, sponsored by, or related in any way to eHarmony.com. If you would like to visit their site, please use the following link: www.eharmony.com .

By reading this blog, you agree to all of the following:

• This is to be used for entertainment, and not considered professional advice.
• You are responsible for any use of the information in this blog.
• If you are under 18 years old, email me immediately. This list is only for people over the age of 18.