The eHarmony Cracked Prime Directive

Sometimes, it's good to hear what other people think you're saying.

And, although you've repeated a point many times in your articles... some people can still focus on technique, and miss the fact that I've repeatedly pointed out an important central message.

So, let's try emphasizing that central message even further.

In fact, it's so central, that I'm referring to it as "The eHarmony Cracked Prime Directive".

It is this:

The goal of any interaction is to promote the long-term happiness of yourself, and the person that you are interacting with.

So, yes, I whole-heartedly agree. Idealization, mirroring, and twinship (and, in fact, any of the suggestions that I make on this blog) are potential tools that can be used toward achieving this goal. And should not be considered goals in and of themselves.

So, no. You shouldn't try to be "someone else" in an attempt to be idealizable.

You shouldn't try to provide mirroring for things that you can't reflect.

And, no, you shouldn't pretend to provide twinship.

Trying to fake these things, in the long run, violates our prime directive. In fact, it harms both of your chances for long-term happiness.

And, in fact, I repeatedly said this in my original articles.

But... when these things are genuine, it feels good. And you should take advantage of these opportunities, when they arise.

So... thanks for letting me know that I needed to give this point some more emphasis.

Nervous about sex? Relax.

There's good and bad in the pick-up artist literature. And one point where I often disagree with the PUAs is in their dogma that the key to developing a long-term relationship with a woman is by giving her an unbelievable sexual experience.

No, I'm not saying that women don't like to have mind-blowing orgasms. And I'm not saying that mechanical sex advice is worthless. They can be helpful in giving you some confidence if you're nervous about your inexperience.

But mechanical advice is exactly that. Mechanical.

And, when it comes to sex, mechanical advice only goes so far.

The fact is, both of you have unique preferences. Everyone's a little different in what sensations they enjoy. And you'd be a fool not to listen to your partner when she tells (or subtly signals) you what makes her feel good.

And the whole, "If you have great sex, she'll keep you forever" thing? Forget about it. If you look at many pick-up artist's lives, you'll see that mind-blowing sex will maintain a woman's interest for awhile. But not forever.

Because, when it comes down to it, sex is only part of the emotional connection that men and women build together. And, without a human connection, even fantastic raging orgasms can become routine and boring.

And, really, if you start listening to women? They'll tell you that they value their connection with you more than the orgasm itself.

So enjoy your relationship. And don't get so hung up on your sexual performance.

Introducing yourself... over long distances

As many of you know, my search for Jewish women has brought me pretty far away from my home town - most of my matches are a three hour drive.

So, occasionally, I get the question, "How do you manage your matches, with the distances that are involved?"

I haven't tried to answer this question with the same rigor that I test other eHarmony techniques, but here are some things that I think work.

First of all - realize that a lot of women won't be interested in considering you because of the distances involved. You'll get rejected a lot. That's to be expected. Heck, if I was a woman, and I had a lot of prospective guys living closer to me... I probably wouldn't respond to women living three hours away either.

But, as I always say, "There are two types of people out there. Those that will accept the distance, and those that won't. Focus on the ones that will."

If they're responding to my communication... I assume that they've read where I live. And, as far as I'm concerned, doesn't need to be discussed further during email. Again, at this phase, women should be treated with a Phase 0 mindset - that you're still figuring out if you like them or not. You're not ready to consider the "How will we manage the distance as a couple" question yet.

As far as arranging that first date is concerned... I usually like to visit the big city that's three hours away from my home. And I keep up with things that I'd like to go to. That way, when a date crops up, I can casually mention that I was planning to visit in order to catch the event... and casually invite her to meet up before I go to the venue.

On one other occasion, I found a venue between our homes. And, yes, she agreed to meet me halfway. (Actually, somewhat better than halfway for me.) So far, I haven't tried to arrange first meetups in my hometown, because, frankly, I enjoy my trips to the other city. But I've heard of pickup artists who refuse to meet with women outside of their own home cities... and have been successful in making them come over for the meetup.

And, that's how I get through the first date.

And how do I manage a long-distance relationship?

I take it one step at a time. Just like any other relationship.

What NOT to include in your profile

As I've mentioned before, "nerd" topics tend not to do well in profiles.

What's a "nerd" topic?

Well, if it's in this video, it's probably too nerdy. (Even if I think "Happy Days" might work in the "things only my best friends know about me".)

"Cut and Paste" - a growing epidemic

Sometimes, I wish that Google would tell folks, "You really should be ashamed of yourself for asking this."

Unfortunately, one of the most common ways that people discover my website is through a Google search for answers to questions that eHarmony asks on the profile. Or during guided communication.

It is a growing problem - even the Wall Street Journal has written an article about the "copy and paste" phenomenon. (And, while I'm on an honesty kick - Alex pointed this article out to all of us in our Google Group.)

Well... fellow readers know that I'm not a big fan of this approach. And I don't provide copy-and-paste answers.

And I have a couple of reasons for that.

I'll admit - some if my reasons are selfish. My profile works pretty well, and I don't want to have the same profile that uses the same phrases as thousands of others. Don't worry though - you're not missing much. It reflects my personality - but I'm definitely no Shakespeare.

The second reason? Your answers need to reflect you. And, in my experience, honest and confident answers perform much better than any clever, seductive, or witty "cut and paste" phrase.

So... if you're looking for cut-and-paste answers to eHarmony questions... You're going to be disappointed.

But, if you'd like to see what general frameworks are effective on eHarmony... read on. You're in the right place.

Too eager? Try the red flag hunt!

It happens to the best of us... Sometimes, we get too eager about a woman that we don't know very well.

And we know that, when we get like this, we can scare women off.

So, what do you do when you feel like this?

One exercise that I sometimes try is, "The red flag hunt."

Basically, I ask myself, "What's WRONG with this woman? If she WERE such a prize, why would she need to go online to meet decent guys?"

And, usually, if you look hard enough... you can start to see reasons.

Statements that seem like they could be dishonest.

Contradictions between how she describes herself, and the way she behaves.

Things that make you go, "Hmmm...."

With practice, this exercise becomes second-nature.

And, after this exercise, you'll usually find yourself a little more suspicious.

You'll want to learn more about her before going further.

... In other words, you'll be acting like you should act towards a woman that you don't know well.

Like a guy who's trying to have some fun while getting to know someone better.

Getting to know the "Warrior Woman"

As your results on eHarmony improve, you'll start noticing when (and where) to make small changes to get better results with certain women.

One common type of woman that may take a little adjustment is, what seduction Guru Dr. Paul calls "The warrior".

"Warrior women", in his scheme, are accomplishment-oriented. And they relish relationships with people who respect their accomplishments.

They can be great girlfriends. On a whole, they tend to be "earthy", accomplished, bright, and results-oriented. They're direct - you won't have to play head games with them to get their real opinions on things. And, because they're accomplishment-oriented, they often enjoy and relate to "guy stuff" that other women have difficulty understanding.

But, like stereotypical warriors, they can be a bit touchy. Quick to go to war. Because warriors like to feel powerful, and in command of their destinies.

And, because of this, some guys don't like warriors. Which is fine. But a lot of guys do.

So, how can you avoid going to war against the warrior?

Here are some pointers:

A good "first sign" that you might be dealing with a warrior? She talks about some accomplishment on your profile that she respects. She then starts bragging about her accomplishments. Consider this a sign of interest. She's unlikely to emotionally gush.

Warriors like to be their own leaders, and fight people who they see as trying to control them. Idealization can still take place though - warriors still admire strong, confident men. And they value these men as companions. But not authorities. So you'll need to back off the "dominance" stuff. Because, with a warrior, you don't want to fight for dominance.

If a fight is starting - back off. Work on your mirroring and twinship. Keep giving her the message, "I respect your uniqueness and passion." Unless you're dealing with a deal-breaker, agree to respectfully disagree. Don't fight.

And, In general, mirroring and twinship are much better tools for developing a relationship with a warrior. You want to be idealizable enough to be respected... but she values understanding and respect (and, occasionally, alternative perspectives) from the man that she respects.

"It just happened..."

Okay, you've got a woman that you like.

And, good news? She likes you too. The chemistry is definitely there.

And a lot of you have read my "attachment model", where I described what "relationship phases" you should look for.

The question many people ask is, "How do you move up in the attachment model?"

First of all, if you're having difficulty moving from Phase 2 to Phase 3, you might want to read the seduction literature on "comfort building". Particularly the use of "freeze outs".

But, one thing that people often do to stall relationship progress is to ask about it.

They like how they feel. And talking about it will make them feel it less.

And if a guy is pushing for something that they're not feeling... it starts to get weird.

So, in general, it's best not to talk about the next steps.

If you feel ready to move things to the next level? Act like you are. Don't ask.

If you're seeing each other a lot, and you're not dating other people... it's exclusive.

If you want her to meet your friends, invite her to something that you're doing with them.

If you want her to meet your family... invite her to something that you're doing with them.

If you're ready to have sex with her... bring her to your place, turn the lights down, and start gettin' it on.

If she's not ready for what you want? Freeze her out for awhile. (As I've mentioned before, I consider the "freeze out" a kindness, not a punishment.) But don't beg.

Women, in general, like the fantasy of the relationship "just happening".

Give them the fantasy. And sweep them off their feet.

Don't beg them off their feet.

Shifting frames in the long-term relationship

From reading comments and discussions on the Google Group, it looks like my model of long-term relationships is an idea that's starting to take off.

That was a long series. And, in looking back, I've pointed out the signs to look for in the stages of a long-term relationship.

What I didn't explain, however, are the mental attitudes that facilitate progression to the next level.

In this blog, I've repeatedly pointed out that relationships don't advance when you try too hard to advance the agenda. And they advance when a woman feels that she has to work for the result.

Now, obviously, if you're in Phase 4, a woman shouldn't have to feel nervous about whether there's chemistry between the two of you. But she should feel nervous about whether the two of you can work out your conflicts.

So, what are the proper challenging mindsets for the the relationship phases that I've proposed?

Here we go:

Phase 0: "Hey, speedy. I haven't even decided if I like you yet. Why don't we get together first?"

Phase 1: "You might make a decent friend... I don't know if there's chemistry yet, but you seem nice..."

Phase 2: "We've got chemistry... but I'm not really sure if I can share myself with you yet."

Phase 3: "You seem okay... so far. But I'm still not really sure about you. Time will tell."

Phase 4: "Okay, we're getting real now. Let's see what happens."

Endgame: "We're good together. Let's see what we need to do to make it work."

No fear: Lead the way!

As I've mentioned before, creating a sense of idealization can be a crucial element in building romantic chemistry.

What is it to be idealizable?

To be a little larger-than-life. Holding admirable qualities. Being the guy who exudes confidence, and commands attention.

A leader.

Most women are looking for a man who can take that role. (As long as the guy isn't being an inflexible, abusive jerk, of course.)

And, when I talk to women... I'm finding that most guys are a major disappointment in this category.

It's the reason why most men get into "communication hell". They're waiting for the woman to make the next step. Which is downright silly.

And women often tell me that I'm "different" (in a good way) when I ask them on dates - just because I don't ask, "What would you like to do?"

It makes a big difference in the way women react. And, believe me, I know. I used to be that spineless guy, myself.

It's a little frightening to take the lead at first.

Try it. You'll get used to it.

And I think you'll like the results.

From the labs: Creating Jealousy with a Hold?

Here's an experiment, straight from the labs...

Of course, you know that eHarmony is pretty rigid about guided communication - unless they agree to a fast track (for which, my lab results have already been reported), your options with an unresponsive match are nudge, close, or let 'em sit.

In my experience, the nudge is only a little better than letting them sit.

But, recently, I've tried one alternative.

Create a sense of competition.

If they don't respond within three days of viewing my profile - put 'em on hold, letting them know that you're persuing other matches right now, but might return later.

Let them sit for a couple of weekends, reopen and nudge (so you get back on the top of their list).

The good news? None of them closed me for doing this. Most of them took a second look at my profile, after I put them on hold.

The bad news? None opened communication after I reopened them.

So, I'm filing this one under "failed experiments".

And that's one more experiment that you don't have to try.

Indifference... You CAN take it too far.

When people first start getting accustomed to the pick-up artist literature, they often see how they might have scared women off by showing too much interest, too early.

So, they take the community advice. They relax. They act as though they're not really all that interested yet. They might even give the woman a little bit of a hard time.

When they do this, they notice that the woman will begin to relax, and may start becoming excited by the interaction.

The guy thinks he's doing well... so, he does what he did to get to this point. He stays indifferent.

And that's where the troubles often begin.

Because, if a woman is starting to show interest, and the man doesn't reciprocate (or try to qualify her for interest, but even that can be taken too far)... she starts to wonder why.

Some of the possibilities that will run through her head?

• He's not that interested. And, if that's sustained... her thoughts will turn toward "sour grapes".
• He's conflicted. And if he's that much of an emotional mess, and she has any measure of self-esteem, she won't be interested in working through whatever the guy's hidden problems are.
• He's socially incompetent. And women with decent self-esteem aren't interested in training guys in how and when to make a move.

All bad things from taking a good thing too far.

So... if you're stuck here, study the PUA literature. Read up on Indicators of Interest (or IOIs.) Learn the better ways to show early interest. And start getting comfortable with escalating touch (or kino, as the PUAs call it).

Once you figure it out, it isn't hard to master.

(Oh, and ladies? I think this advice will work well for you too!)

Bitten Chick adds:

It always makes me chuckle when a guy friend scoffs at girls who play hard to get -- because most men who've had any measure of success at dating have done the same thing, albeit in a much more subtle way. The indifference tactic is brilliant in that you stir a woman's desire for you by way of your (apparent) lack of interest. But a little bit goes a long way, and sustained patterns of feigned disinterest will earn you the title of "emotionally detached" rather than "cool cucumber".

Now I'm not saying that woman have it all figured out, as Miss "Plays Hard To Get" is going to have trouble getting gotten if she's programmed herself into always being chased and never meeting the guy halfway. The best "pickup artist" style advice I've seen for this kind of maneuvering comes from The Art Of Seduction (a PUA bible at its finest!) in the chapter that examines the Hot & Cold Coquette archetype. Author Robert Greene explains that showing interest (hot) and then pulling away (cold) is an extremely effective way of sustaining intrigue and desire.

The key, for those who would like to use this technique within the dating realm (rather than simply for manipulation), is to choose a woman whom you really are genuinely interested in. That way, subtly showing your interest, then backing away and letting her come to you, becomes more like a dance rather than a puppet master throwing his hapless victim a bone. You want to wear your indifference like a mysterious veil, rather than an impenetrable mask.

Seduction is like a balanced diet -- and even the most fastidiously healthy eater knows that there's a time and a place for sweets -- or in the seductive realm, being sweet. Just be careful not to become a "Sugar Daddy" ... But that's a whole other topic. ;-)

When she's fishing for a compliment...

As I've said many times... I don't pay that many compliments to women in the attraction phase.

But, often, they might get nervous. And start fishing for compliments a little bit.

They might ask if you like how they look, if you're meeting for the first time.

Or they might brag a little bit, and ask what you think.

If they're doing this... it's a very good thing.

Because, if they're doing this, they're a little nervous. They're wondering about if you like them.

And, most of all, they're indicating that they're trying to entice you.

In other words, she's interested in you.

Some pickup artists advocate being "cocky and funny" during these times.

For me, it hasn't worked well.

She's nervous. She's putting herself on the line.

And if you dismiss her after her best efforts... you may be headed into "sour grapes" land.

So, what do I do?

If I'm being honest, I tell them that I approve.

But I add just a little bit, just to let them know that they're indicating interest.

Something like, "Glad my opinion's important to you". Or, "Glad you want to make me happy."

... and be prepared to crank up the playful touch.

(Oh, and this can also work well during fights, too. Sometimes.)

Should you give eHarmony another chance?

Lately, I've been getting a lot of letters that say things like, "I've been reading your blog, and I can see a lot of the mistakes that I've made. My subscription is about to run out, but I think I want to give it another try now."

It's a reaction that I didn't expect when I started this blog. And, although it's a reaction that might be right for some people... I'm not sure that it's a good move for everyone.

I do hope that my blog has provided some people with more confidence, and a realization that doing "badly" on eHarmony doesn't mean anything about your worth as a person. Or as a potential boyfriend/husband/whatever.

But, some people see eHarmony as a crutch. They need to address some problems in their lives, and see eHarmony as a shortcut to avoiding those changes.

Some people are overscheduled, and see eHarmony as a way to feel like they're getting to know someone. Or they've got crippling problems with shyness or low self-esteem that become easier to manage when the other person isn't visible. Or, they need to develop better real-life social skills.

Again, as I've said before, the only problem that eHarmony solves is the "I can't meet enough dateable people" problem. And even then, if you can't see eHarmony as an entertaining sideline to your life... you're going to do badly.

Bottom line? If you think that eHarmony might be a fun way to spend another $20/month... go ahead.

But, if you've got problems that eHarmony can't solve... do yourself a favor. Solve those problems first.

After you do that, you'll be in a better position to meet people.

Reflections on a retest

Yeah, I've been on eHarmony (on and off, between relationships) for a couple of years now.

It's been an eventful few years for me. And, I think I've changed in a lot of good ways.

But, I began to think... was that "personality questionnaire" that I took two years ago still accurate?

Probably not. I figured it's time for a retake.

And, yes, the customer service representative that I called quickly agreed. They even gave me a free month of service - and I didn't ask for it!

It's still early - but I'm liking the results so far. I'm getting fewer matches (I guess my personality isn't the typical eHarmony customer's), but there's more of an emotional presence to them that I'm beginning to appreciate.

But... enough about me.

If you're also thinking that your personality has changed since you took the questionnaire (hopefully, in good ways), here's some advice:

• Get a copy of your profile before calling customer service. You may not remember this... but you were asked about your passion, the most influential person in your life, and your "checklist" traits during the personality questionnaire. You'll need to reenter them. But don't worry - everything else will be saved. Including your photos.
• Call customer service when you're ready to take the test. Not before. Because, once the customer service representative flips the switch, you'll be unable to request new matches, obtain new matches, or communicate through the eHarmony system until you've finished your retake.

But, other than that... enjoy your new life... and your new matches.

Another "Who's Viewed Me" trick revealed...

In case you haven't noticed, the "Who's Viewed Me" list is back.

It's also got a new feature that I didn't notice before.

Let's say that you've been viewed by a woman... and you don't remember her by her name and location.

And, of course, you know that if you open her profile, she's going to see that.

And let's assume that you care. (And you may not.)

Well, eHarmony has solved that problem. Just hold your mouse pointer over her name.

A little box will pop up, displaying her age, profession, and picture (if it's there, and it isn't hidden).

So... thanks eHarmony, for adding that little touch.

Ways to ruin a number close

So, you feel like you're ready to move away from my open communication templates, and wing it.

That's fine. But there are a lot of very common mistakes that people make when they first try to break away from the templates.

In no particular order, here are some of the most common.

Saying you're busy, acting like you aren't
It's one thing to say that you're a busy guy. But, a lot of guys give subtle hints that they really aren't as busy as they claim to be.

You'll notice that my templates gradually build the grounds for the idea that you're a busy guy. Your emails should do the same.

If you're responding to her emails too quickly, or you're nagging her for not responding quickly enough... it's a sign that you're not really all that busy. At most, write one letter a day - and wait a good long time before writing it. Consider longer pauses, when you want to accentuate your busyness. And if she doesn't respond to a message, wait a week before sending a gentle reminder. (And if you're doing things right, those reminders will be extremely rare.)

If you're writing messages that are longer than my templates... it's a sign that you have the time to write long-winded essays to women that you haven't met.

If you have the time to type out answers to every single question that she asks... you're showing that you're not that busy.

... and if you've got time to argue with her over the fact that she's not giving you a phone number, you're definitely not a busy guy.

Continuing the "sales pitch"
Another key ingredient that you'll notice in my templates... I don't talk much about myself.

You shouldn't need to. You've already shown her that you're an interesting guy. She's already went through three rounds of guided communication. If she's still going... she's interested in learning more about you.

So... I stop selling.

I ask questions about her. Because I'm not sold yet.

It's her job to sell me on the idea of meeting.

And she'll value what she earns. Not on what just appears.

A phone number isn't a favor. It's a way to talk some more.
Most guys on eHarmony will treat a woman's phone number like it's a prize to be won.

If you use my templates, it's not.

It acknowledges that you're both curious about each other. It acknowledges that you're a busy guy, who doesn't have the time to engage in endless cyberchat.

The phone is an answer to a problem. It's not a favor to be won.

And when you don't treat it as a favor... women are comfortable in talking to you.

And if she refuses? Don't beg. Just stay busy. If someone doesn't respond to a phone number request, I generally won't write her for at least a week. When she realizes that you're too busy to engage in cyberchat... she'll either agree to the phone call, or she'll give up.

And it's really that simple.

Open Communication: Getting the number

When most guys ask for a woman's phone number on eHarmony, they make it much more of a struggle than it needs to be.

Most guys don't ask for a phone number until they're almost certain that they want to meet.

Of course, the woman senses this quickly. She knows that the guy will come on strong, if she gives the digits.

And if she's not so sure... she's going to want to build her comfort level by extending communication further.

Unfortunately, as the seduction literature has said time and time again, comfort building before attraction is a fast-track to the friend zone.

So, it's understandable why the standard approach doesn't work well. And why my templates do something different.

Bottom line? You're a busy guy. (And you should be.) You're finding a few things that you're cautiously interested in finding more about, as is she. She's asking a lot of questions. This is a good thing.

But you're busy. You don't have time to type long emails. And you certainly don't have hours and hours to have text chats with even your best friends. Much less, a woman you don't even know yet.

Bottom line? The phone (and meeting in person) are the only ways to make this go forward.

For beginners, though, this can be a difficult perception to maintain. Which is why I developed the template system.

But, when you want to skip the templates... it's easy to shatter this perception.

We'll talk about some common mistakes tomorrow.

Open Communication: This MIGHT be interesting...

A lot of you have been following my eHarmony Open Communication templates, with great success.

But, templates can feel restrictive after awhile. And, soon, you'll probably want to "wing it" a little bit.

And that's a good thing. So, for a little while, let's talk about the elements that make the Open Communication template work.

The first? Showing a proper attitude toward the woman.

As I've mentioned, a lot of guys, when they hit open communication, start to smother the woman with how "perfect" they are, and how they have absolutely so much in common.

And most women find that talking to a guy who's already that "sold" into a relationship, before even meeting, can be a really scary thing.

On the other hand, she's put a lot of effort into communication. So, if you're starting to show that you're disapproving, or you're completely unimpressed... you're headed toward "sour grapes" land.

Your position, obviously, should be between these two extremes.

So, here's where the templates sit - and where you should sit as well.

You've gone through her efforts. Your curiosity is mildly piqued about a few things. You want to find out more.

And you're a little suspicious. A lot of people say that they're things that they're not. So you're looking for consistency. So, you're asking a few more questions, in a friendly manner, just to give her an opportunity to show that she's the "real deal".

This attitude is reassuring to most women - and it's very appropriate. Which is why I've incorporated it into my template.

Of course, there are more ingredients to this "secret sauce". And I'll talk more tomorrow...

What were you EXPECTING eHarmony to solve?

The eHarmony ad copy looks so nice. It just makes finding "the love of your life" seem so effortless.

Just answer a few questions, jump through a few hoops - and, whammo. Instant happiness, right?

I wish eHarmony solved all of the problems involved with meeting "the love of your life".

But, in fact, it only solves one.

If you're having trouble meeting people - it will introduce you to people that it considers compatible.

That's it.

Unfortunately, many people expect eHarmony to provide instant bliss - not just a list of potential matches.

And, some people have some unrealistic expectations.

Some people subscribe to eHarmony because they want to meet people... but they're too busy to actually meet. Some need to deal with some personal problems before they're ready to date. Some are out of bad relationships, and continue to grind their axes. Some people have very narrow definitions of "compatible" that conflict with eHarmony's.

And I understand these problems. But they can't be solved by eHarmony.

So, how can you deal with it?

Relax.

First, take a look at yourself. If you have problems that won't be solved with a list of matches, you need to solve them. Don't expect a "compatible" match to solve the problem for you.

And, when you actually meet your matches... realize that a lot of them were looking for eHarmony to magically solve problems that eHarmony can't solve.

So... take it easy. You're meeting someone new.

You don't need to propose marriage tomorrow.