"Hot or Not" made (less) simple

In previous articles, I mentioned the use of the website hotornot.com, in order to get a rough idea of how your eHarmony photos look.

It's not a great measure. Most of the people who will be rating you will be men (those who really wanted to see women, and homosexuals), and they aren't your target audience. Also, the site seems to reward the skanky. Let's just say that photos with your shirt off will do well on Hot or Not, but, even if you're in great physical shape, showing your bare, chiseled chest will probably hurt your results on eHarmony.

But, in my experience, if you've got 100 people ranking a photo, and you get a rating of 7 or above, it's not going to hurt your results. But photos below 6 will. 6 photos are iffy.

And, so far, I've only got two photos that got in the 8's. So I can't speak from experience about how 9s and 10s do.

And that was my advice on how to use Hot or Not. Pretty simple. (Especially considering, if you read my original article... there are better methods to use.)

Some people, however, need a more complex explanation. For example, how a photo can be rated a 7, when very few people rated it above a 6. These people ask, "How the heck does that work?"

Well, if you dig into their website a little bit, they explain.

The Hot or Not scale, theoretically, should represent a bell curve, with it's peak at 5, and "tails" at 1 and 10.

Unfortunately, most people don't actually rank that way. Some are "easy". Some are "hard".

For example, when I make my rankings, I almost never give anyone a 1, 2, or 10.

So, they have to compensate for that. And their computer calculates that a 9 (from me) is probably someone else's 10.

And, according their FAQs, the final ranking represents an average calibrated score.

Furthermore, some adjustment DOES seem necessary.

For example, let's suppose a supermodel puts up one of her best photos. And she's what most men would consider a legitimate 10.

Just by human nature, not everyone's going to rate her a 10. Some jealous women will rate her a 1. Some chubby-chasers might think she's too skinny, and rate her a 5. Some picky folks might say, "Nice photo, but I'm not sure she's THAT hot", and rate her a 8. Or only like blondes. Or don't like that particular dress. You get the idea.

And, if that keep up... no one earns a 10. In fact, I doubt that 9's would be possible.

So, that's why the scores seem strange. But, if you get 100 rankings, they're usually repeatable within less than one point.

And the data can still be useful. Just follow the guidelines, and don't overthink it.

Technical difficulties...

My computer isn't working... New article tomorrow. (This message brought to you by cell phone.)

A word to the obsessive-compulsive...

On October 24th-25th, I'll be in meetings during my usual blog-writing time.

I will continue to post daily, but the posts will probably be late.

Please... don't send hate mail.

On recieving compliments

In the beginning of a relationship, you're still a little bit of a mystery. And if she's starting to show interest... she's also interested in learning more about you.

And, of course, she's going to discover some nice things about you.

She'll want to compliment you. In part, to gain your favor, but, also, to see if her impressions are correct.

Accepting compliments can be hard for a lot of people. Some of us are taught to be humble. We reflexively say, "Oh, it's no big deal." Or, "Oh, not really." Something that dismisses the compliment.

But, if a woman gives you an accurate compliment, and you make one of these dodges... you're doing a lot of things that can hurt the impression that you're making.

Her head starts to spin. She starts thinking about things like, "I thought I saw something good, but he says he's not... Oh. Too bad."

Or, "Was he just trying to look like that to impress me?"

Or, "Why is he so ashamed of it? Where's his pride?"

None of these are good.

So, sure, if she makes a guess about you that's wrong, go ahead and correct her.

But, when she's right, she's trying to verify it. And she'll feel good that she's starting to unravel your mysteries. And it's information that she's earned... so she'll feel closer to you.

So, don't disappoint. Accept compliments graciously. And, if you feel like it, compliment her on her perceptiveness. Or her good taste. Or tease her a little bit after you accept the compliment.

Oh, and if she's into you... she'll repeat her compliment a few times. Or dwell on the subject for awhile.

During those times... she's bonding with you.

Do yourself a favor. Let her do it.

On giving compliments

I know. I've drilled the "bribe" concept in your head. And, yes, you can take this concept too far.

One tricky application of the bribe principle? Giving compliments.

They can be tricky. Too much superficial flattery puts you in a bribe zone... but too little, and you're in sour grapes territory.

So, what are some guidelines?

Don't put her on a pedestal
Don't go too far, too soon. On the first date (or before), it's way too early to write epic love poetry, make mix tapes, or show adoration. Gestures like these are reserved for people who have had a long history together. When you're really in love (or at least in infatuation) with her, and she's in love with you.

Before that time? It's showing that you have absolutely no standards. That you'll fall in love with anyone who shows some interest. Even if you don't know the other person yet.

It's bad. Very very bad. Don't do it.

Give compliments... when they're earned.
When you're meeting, it is okay to sprinkle a few compliments - when you see something specific that you like.

But be specific.

"Wow! You look great!" isn't specific. It sounds like something you'd say to anyone as an ingratiation. If she's a 6 or below, it may provide reassurance (more about that later), but to a 7 or above, she's thinking, "Great. Another guy who's giving me too much credit for my looks."

On the other hand, when you say, "That's an interesting colored purse - I like it", it shows a little more. It shows that you're paying attention. You're being specific. You're not giving away all of your power. You're just saying that you thought it was interesting.

If she brings up a topic that's interesting... it's perfectly okay to say so.

Remember - if you give a complement, it must be both genuine and earned.

And if she accepts, say, "You're welcome". Don't linger on the subject.

Reassuring compliments
Every once in awhile, a woman will fish for a complement.

It means she's a little insecure. And refusing to comment on the subject will probably make her uncomfortable in advancing further.

Simple things like, "So... do I look okay?"

Just be honest, brief, and reassuring. Enough to let her know that she's okay, and you're ready for a different subject.

Don't dwell on the subject. Heck, if you feel like it, you can tease her a little bit after providing that reassurance.

Keep things in proportion
The generousness of your compliments needs to match where you are in your budding relationship.

If you're still online, you should show wariness when giving compliments. You haven't really met her. You don't know if she's really as good as she advertises. Therefore, compliments in the vein of "You seem...", or "Hey, if you're really...." should be about the furthest you should go.

On the first few dates, isolated things that interest or intrigue you are fine.

Again, grander compliments should be reserved for people you know well.

Quirky Girl Says:

The worst thing you can do is to lay it on thick at the beginning of a relationship. Women see straight through false flattery. When I get effusive compliments from a guy I've only just met in person or emails telling me how wonderful I am from guys I've had little interaction with, it comes across as very insincere, shallow, and sometimes even calculating. I always think to myself, "You don't know me. How can you possibly think that? Do you say this to all the women you date?" Women want you to take the time to get to know and appreciate them. They want to feel special, not like you're methodically going through a list of compliments that have worked before on other women.

Compliments that work on me are usually geared toward some specific achievement. For example, I recently had someone say to me on a date, "I saw that you are a black belt and was impressed. What style of martial arts do you train in?" This compliment worked on me because it was very specific, seemed genuine, and gave me the opportunity to talk about something I care about. Compliments on appearance are nice to hear as well as long as they aren't too aggressive or crude and as long as you don't gush. For example, saying something like "Blue looks nice on you" shows that you think the woman looks good without being crass or over-the-top.

Above all, only say what you mean. If you try to fake it, a smart woman will know.

From the Labs: Past lab entries, revisited.

Experimentation is an ongoing thing. And, in my "from the labs" entries, I report on promising, but unverified techniques to give people an edge on eHarmony.

Some of those techniques become a part of our community lore.

Others... just don't withstand the test of time.

And I think it's time to revisit some of these lab entries.

Will editing your profile provide more matches?
In my blog's earliest days, one reader observed that, after editing his profile (in minor ways), and requesting matches... he'd get more.

Unfortunately, I think he just got lucky. Repeated requests will often result in recieving more matches. But neither I (nor anyone else) has been able to verify that editing your profile will provide you with more matches.

I count this finding "dead".

What about the eHarmony Blog script?
The eHarmony blog script is an automated script designed to request new matches every 10 minutes. Presumably, by making repeated requests, you'll get more matches.

In the beginning, this seemed to work. Soon after running it, people usually got more matches.

The long-term effects, however, have been called into question in our google group.

Based on my experience in alternating use of the script, it does not seem to actually generate new matches. However, when a match is made, it will appear on your list sooner, rather than later.

It still provides some time advantage, and that can be helpful. It's better to be eighth guy that a woman is being introduced to, rather than the twenty-eighth. But I've been unable to prove that it produces more matches than you'd get if you logged in three times daily and requested matches.

On the Thursday Night Purge
At one time, I noticed that I, predictably, got new matches on Fridays, and very few from Monday-Thursday.

Unfortunately, it seems like I'm the only person who noticed this.

And, in the last few months... that pattern has seemed to stop.

This technique is dead, Jim.

... More updates as they happen, folks! Enjoy your weekend!

From the Labs: A "fast track" project update.

My fast-track experiment will need to go on a break for a little while.

Why? Well, I've made some major changes in my look. I shaved what was left of my hair, and grew a goatee. I think it's a great change (and a lot of people agree, including the 9 that I consult with on these things), but it's going to create a different set of eHarmony results. So, I need to go back and see what my guided communication statistics look like after making these changes.

How does the data look right now?

Well, again, I've had no matches who've ever stated that they prefer fast-track communication.

When I went with guided communication, 22 percent went to open communication. (Keep in mind, there are a lot of people who don't open for valid reasons - dead profiles, profiles who were out of my age range, profiles who lived too far away for me to consider, etc.)

In fast-track communication, that percentage dropped to 11 percent.

Unfortunately, I haven't gathered enough data to say whether that's a real difference - but the trend is pretty clear.

So, what are my interim recommendations?

Fast-track isn't totally unusable. Some women will respond. But you will probably have fewer responses. It is a faster way to get a woman through the system.

Furthermore, I can imagine that some readers may like to use fast-track as a screen. Some men might prefer the personality of a woman who would be responsive to a fast-track request. So, this might be a decent "screening device" for some.

The bottom line? If the fast-track appeals to you, go ahead and use it. It isn't the "kiss of death" that it used to be. But you need to know that you will probably have fewer women responding to your communication requests.