When did you feel good?

As my loyal readers know, I've started my eHarmony-related consultation services - and so far, it's been an interesting experience.

The guys (so far, they've all been guys) that I've been working with... have all been great. But, often, a little troubled. And not just with eHarmony. And, unfortunately, their profiles reflect their current pain and uncertainty - and not their potential or their optimism.

One question that I've been asking (and that's been helpful) is a simple one - "At what point in your life were things going well for you?"

And most people can think of a time in their past where their (present) worries seemed insignificant.

Times when they focused on the things that made them feel happy and fulfilled.

And they usually pause. And start thinking about how they might start doing those things again.

And, suddenly, tricky questions (such as, "What are you most passionate about?", or, "What are you looking for?") become much easier to answer.

So, if you're stuck in your current doubts and worries, you might want to give this a try. It seems to help the folks that I'm working with...

Free Communication Weekend is upon us...

Well, folks... "Free Communication Weekend" is upon us once again. And, considering it's on the labor day holiday, turnout might turn out okay.

That's turnout.

Personally, I have a dim view of Free Communication Weekend. Unfortunately, it does bring in people who are more interested in "testing the waters" than they are in actually meeting the folks that they talk to.

But, when you initiate communications this weekend, keep a few things in mind:

• They can't see your photo, until you send it to 'em from an email account outside of eHarmony. You may get a photo nudge from matches who don't realize this.
  
• A "free communication weekend" member isn't able to use fast-track unless they convert to paying membership. So, don't initiate fast-tracks with them.
• After Monday... Free Communications weekend ends. And, unless they decide to pay... they'll be unable to communicate with you. Leaving the question: Do you want to rush things along so they won't have to pay? I'll leave that up to you.
• In the past, there have been times where traffic has overwhelmed eHarmony's capacity. So, if you're rushing her along... don't wait until Monday night. Or you may be out of luck.
  
• Don't work too hard. Like I said, most FCWers aren't terribly motivated to meet people. Don't invest a lot of emotional involvement or effort on 'em. It rarely pays off.
• Personally? Having been through a lot of free communications weekends... I'd make your priority having a fun weekend - and not in babysitting your eHarmony account.
  

"Bad girl" - a hidden mirroring opportunity.

I've talked a lot about how guys try to impress in their profiles.

They try to look "perfect". And, when they do it, they often look insincere.

Well... women do it too.

They say the things they think they should. That they're virtuous, morally perfect women. Because, after all, guys are on eHarmony looking for long-term relationships, so they should act like women of virtue, right?

Of course, you know that no one is that virtuous.

But... most guys, when they try to impress women, will actually try to flatter them for the false front that they're putting forth.

So... be different.

I'm not saying that an open communication message saying, "Oh, you're so full of baloney!" will go far.

But gentle, fun questions, challenges, and exposure (and acceptance) of her bad-girl nature is something that most guys won't do.

Be careful (and sparing) in doing this. It's a spice. If you use too much of this, she'll feel like you're treating her like a bad person, instead of a woman who's a "little naughty in a good way".

But, used appropriately, doing this can make things a lot more fun.

War Story: Ice Broken

As I've previously said, I'm no fan of the "icebreaker" feature. In general, I don't advise guys to use it - it makes men look like they're either insecure, or a (cheap) nonmember.

And, usually, I close the women who send icebreakers, dismissing them as unmotivated.

But, I did make an exception - unlike most "icebreaker" users, this one had a fully-filled out profile. And a fairly interesting one to boot.

I did initiate communication - and she responded with an icebreaker. In her case, "Your profile brought a smile to my face!"

I thought hard about this one... and followed my "two strike" rule. With the icebreaker counting as one strike, and no other apparent strikes (unless I looked really hard for one), I decided to try a response.

So, I searched the icebreaker options, and found one that fit.

"Would you like to chat?"

Effectively telling her, if she'd like something to happen, it's time to move.

And, yes, she decided to start communication after that.

Did I convince her to pay? I don't know. And I'm not asking.

"On Hold" is dead. 5 people care.

Every once in awhile, eHarmony makes some changes in the ways that matches can be managed. And we've covered them as they've evolved - from photo nudges, to icebreakers, and everything in between.

And astute readers will notice that I've said a few things about putting matches "On Hold".

Well... forget about it. eHarmony has removed that option.

But don't worry. About the only practical use I saw in the "hold" feature is when you've gone exclusive with someone, and want to let your matches know it.

I don't think anyone is going to miss it.

Skeptical? Listen to this guy...

Okay, I imagine that a lot of my readers ARE skeptical.

After all, women want nice guys, right?

Well, they do appreciate men who can show kindness. But not characterless men who can only say, "I'm a nice guy."

But... it's hard for a lot of people to take that first step.

If so, you might want to listen to the story of "Color Corrected".

Here's his story:

Hey, I found your blog a few weeks ago and signed up for this group recently and have tried to read closely what you guys have used for success and have applied some of what I've learned and the results I am HAPPIER with. Hopefully more tweaks will help get me results I am FULLY HAPPY with.

I have been a eharmony since the end of June and before these first round of changes I only got one match all the way to open communication (she was the one who initiated contact). Most were either quick "other" closes or I never received replies at all and I ended up closing them after a few weeks. A few didn't like like what my profile said and closed me. The open communication turned out to be a dud on the phone and when she passed along her facebook page and I took a look, that was enough. I have no idea how we could be "compatible" we were complete polar opposites.

Hey, you had one. That's better than most. But it's a little unsurprising that you were left with someone who was also trying to create a force-fit.

But let's see how things started to turn around...

I first changed my general information on my profile. Instead of stating "I work in television" I got specific with "television editor". I also dropped all the lists. No more listing of my passions, interests, and what I'm looking for. Those got specific as well with statements.

Aha! Demonstrating passion is so much more effective than listing things you like, yes?

All "buddy" qualities were removed. I am no longer now a good listener and loyal and replaced them with more items about me. Ambitious, intelligent.

I also in the "what people notice" section dropped the wishy-washy "I'm a good guy" quality and told the truth. What I'm known for at my job. I'm assertive and speak up and speak my mind when need be.

Hmm... so they do like it better when you can demonstrate some idealizability. And that you're not just a suckup desperate to fit with any woman. Amazing, huh?

In the photos I dropped any photos that had me in the same clothes. Only one blue T-shirt, one coat and so on. I also got rid of the captions. And in two of the photos that I had cropped to where you could only see me I went back to the full photo. One is of me and an actress I was on a movie set with and the other is of me fixing a camera on set.

Yup. Pictures tell much more than, "How I look". They can also be used to create interest. Good job!

I made these changes about ten days ago and I saw results right away. My profile has been viewed more and viewed more repeatedly. I have four matches past the "must have/can't stand" two of them I have just sent and answered "2nd questions", and one has already went into open communication. Sadly one of the four seams to be stuck now, and of course it's the girl I like the most.

No one bats 1.000. But you're doing much better, it seems... Certainly, a good, strong 10 days' work!

(And remember, you don't know if you like her until you meet her. She may have done you a huge favor.)

I've also noticed that even the closes are "good" closes, if there is such a thing. Closes for distance and age difference. I'd say I'm 50/50 on "other" closes and specific closes. I've even noticed that some of the closes check me out for a few days, viewing my profile numerous times, before closing me. Sadly the HOT 25 year old (I'm 33) closed me after looking at my profile four days in a row. She though I was too old. REALLY?

Sounding more confident already. I'm liking it! (And don't worry... you'll find more hotties soon!)

One last thing I've noticed too. I've seen with some success that if I send questions to a girl who takes a while to answer back. Me simply viewing her profile a few days in a row, letting her know I AM interested, has gotten a couple replies.

Interesting... I'll run an experiment on this. I'll have to admit - I'm a little skeptical. Many matches do take awhile to respond. It does seem likely to me that most women don't obsessively watch the "Who's viewed me" list. And, if she did notice, I wonder if she'd think it's too much attention, too early. But I'll look into it!

Thanks for the help and info. I'll keep you posted.

Glad that I've helped! And I look forward to hearing more of your stories!

Patience, young Jedi. Patience...

For a long time, now, I've been running an experiment to figure out what the best response to an unresponsive match is. Basically - if a woman has a complete profile, and has looked at you, but hasn't responded for a week... what's the best thing to do next?

It's been my slowest experiment ever. I've been at this for months. And I've got less than 6 women in the experiment so far. (Granted, due to my match criteria, I don't get that many matches.)

So far, the most interesting thing about the experiment?

If you do nothing for a week, most women will eventually respond in some fashion.

And data from Quantcast bears this out - the percentage of eHarmony members that check their accounts more than once a week is quite low. (In fact, if they're responding quickly, I'd consider this a sign of interest.)

So, relax. Live your life. Let her live hers.

And pay attention to the women who are paying attention to you.

P.S. Oh, for those who are wondering about the experiment so far? So far, nothing seems terribly effective for a woman who hasn't responded in a week. And if that's a consistent problem for you... it's probably time to work on your profile.

Want to get attention? Be unique...

For a lot of women... dating can become a real chore.

Guys do try to impress. They try to demonstrate why they're "worthy". What they have in common.

When, in fact, men who are worthwhile and have things in common with a woman usually don't have to try to sell those points.

Again, they aren't to be ignored. Mirroring and kinship are useful tools, as I've said in the past.

But, if you're not idealizable as well... you just look like a suckup.

And you don't have to be a "bully" to be idealizable. You just need to look like you bring something to the relationship other than "support".

Talk about things that the woman hasn't experienced before.

If you like music... don't be afraid to talk about performers that don't get a lot of airplay. And get her curious about them. (If you need to be introduced to some new music - Pandora is a good source. And, again, I'm just a fan - they're not paying me to say it.)

On the date? Suggest places that are a little off the beaten path. Anybody can take a woman to Charbucks - and women know that it's a great place to go when a guy wants to "play it safe". But if you take her off the beaten path, and show her something new... you're way ahead of the "boring and safe" guys.

Again, I could go on with things like clothing accessories, other local haunts, interesting stories, and so forth. But they just point out what's central here.

You want to show her what you're about. Not how you can "suck up" or "play it safe".

Oh, you're my best friend ALREADY?

Okay. I get it.

Just about everyone hates the eHarmony profile question, "Describe one thing about yourself that only your best friends know".

Yes, it IS a stupid question.

And, yes, a lot of people answer it with obvious retorts like, "If I put it here, then it isn't something only my best friends would know." Or, "When you become my best friend, you'll find out."

Well, yes, I've experimented with answers like this. And every time I did it, my response rates fell.

Again, part of what you're trying to do in your profile is to look different from the other guys. And you won't do it by giving the same answers everyone else does.

Now, if, unlike most of the other guys, you show that you can actually have fun when you answer a question like this... That's the ticket to making yourself look better than the teeming masses.

No, we're not useful for scammers...

Lately, I have been getting a few emails from people who've been hurt by some of eHarmony's more unscrupulous members.

It does sadden me to hear when people are taken in by scammers. Or they meet someone who is abusive or manipulative in a different way.

But, every once in awhile, I get a letter asking me to stop talking about how people can be more successful on eHarmony. Because, according to them, I may be telling scammers how they can be more effective.

Well... I'm not naive. I thought about this possibility long before I started "eHarmony Cracked". And I have been vigilant to the possibility (even if it did seem slim) that unscrupulous eHarmony members may use my blog's techniques as tools for their own purposes.

So, is it happening? I don't think so. Here's why.

Is there any evidence of scammers using my blog?
First of all, I do look for evidence that scammers are using my blog as an information source.

First of all, I do look at what countries visit my blog. Knowing that many scammers (and potential scammers) come from Russia, Nigeria, and Ghana, I do pay attention when my web analytic software says that I get a visitor from one of these countries.

I rarely get them. And when they do, they usually don't read a lot.

And I'm not hearing any reports of scammers who've been using specific techniques from my blog.

Which doesn't surprise me. Most of the goals of my techniques (for example, getting to the phone quickly) run counter to the goals of the scammers.

Scammers learn from themselves
Unfortunately, scammers have been around for a very long time. Even before "internet dating" became popular, they used newspaper and magazine "personals" sections.

They've had a long time to refine their techniques. And they've been refining them for much longer than I've been writing.

In fact? Sometimes I learn from them. Even if I haven't seen them adopting my techniques.

Non-predatory techniques aren't useful to scammers...
Finally, let's look at the central ideas that inform the eHarmony Cracked philosophy.

I don't tell people what personalities are "attractive". I believe that just about any man, with confidence, can find the women that are right for them.

To me, the journey isn't about "what's attractive to women". It's about believing in the attractiveness that lies within each of us. It's about being genuine, interesting (in our unique ways), and unapologetic.

And it comes from the ability to say, to any woman, "If you don't like this... thanks for not wasting my time. I'll move on to the women that are interested."

And, frankly, it's a philosophy that scammers can't follow.

But it's a philosophy that frees the rest of us.

Yes, folks. It is about sex.

Let's face it, folks. People don't log into eHarmony looking for friends. Or activity partners. Or colleagues.

They're looking for "the love of their life" that was promised in the commercials.

And, unless you're dealing with a very strange and hung-up woman (and there are a few)... she's looking for a sexual relationship.

So, yes, sex is out there.

Now, if you push for sex... that's a problem. There's a difference between a guy who's looking for potential sexual partners, and a desperate guy trying to push an agenda too fast.

But, overall, you shouldn't be afraid of talking about it. Some slight sensuality in the profile can work well for a lot of guys. (Even more so for women.) And, as I've said before, it looks a little bit strange if you don't bring it up in your must haves/can't stands.

So, if she brings it up, demonstrate that you're comfortable. That you're not needy... but you don't have any hangups either.

And you're ready when the moment is right.

What if meeting women WASN'T a problem?

Okay, I realize that most of the people who go to eHarmony are there because they have difficulty meeting women that interest them.

But, for a minute... think about how you'd act if that wasn't a problem.

How would you act differently?

Some guys might not be so eager to please. Or to come up with "right answers". After all, if you had plenty of women to choose from... would you care if she liked the answer to your question?

Others might be more casual in their talk. Or their questioning.

Or they wouldn't push so hard to advance an agenda before they really got to know her. Or stress out when the agenda isn't working the way you hoped.

And, you know what? Women also notice these things. And when men act like they need to push or pursue... they lose interest. Fast.

So, when you're in a difficult spot with a woman, it often pays to ask the question.

"What would I do right now, if I had 11 other women who wanted to talk with me?"

Odds are - that's the right thing to do.

And, if you keep it up... you won't have to act like it's the truth.

Managing "Hot or Not" score drift

Again, returning to the popular subject of rating your pictures on "Hot or Not"...

Another problem that I've seen with this site is that scores, occasionally, will drift.

Sometimes, the crowd is stricter, and gives lower scores.

Other times, the crowd is easier.

I'm not blaming Hot or Not for this - mob psychology could explain this easily.

But it does raise the question - how can you compare the ratings you get today with the ratings you recieved on other pictures a few months ago?

Well, here's how I manage the "drift" problem.

You'll notice that you can keep up to three photos in an unpaid account.

I make sure that one of these photos is the worst-rated photo that I'm currently using.

As scores drift... the score on my archived photo will drift too.

Problem (kinda) solved.

It's an imperfect system. But, as far as coming up with an objective measurement of attractiveness goes, it'll have to do. At least until someone fixes the Helen scale.

The Peacock and the eHarmony Profile

One concept that has been developed (and refined) in the pick-up artist community is the concept of "Peacocking".

It was a concept taken from evolutionary theory - noting that some animals (such as peacocks) made ostentatious presentations of their manhood, in order to attract the females of their species.

And, in the bars (which is where most pickup artists started), ostentatious displays do add to the fun factor. So, yes, guys wore bizarre hats and accessories.

So, you may ask, does that mean that I should take pictures of myself in a feather boa, in order to attract women on eHarmony?

Well... probably not. What may be fun in a club may be a little bit too much for an eHarmony profile. (But you'd be surprised about what people want to try. I've received several emails asking me if I thought that dressing up in a superhero costume would be a good idea.)

But, done properly, some subtle peacocking can be effective.

Some ideas in calibrating your peacocking?

If you peacock - make it a subtle exxageration of your best traits.
For most guys, a superhero costume or a feather boa... just looks silly. And makes you look like you're desperate for attention.

For guys, the best peacocks are subtle exxagerations of their identity.

For example, if you've built a persona as an adventurer... clothing that accentuates that identity may help your "photo appeal".

World travelers might wear interesting, foreign necklaces or bracelets.

If you're a "club kid", dressing as one may be appropriate for you.

Again, take your identity - and let your clothing and accessories demonstate it. In a subtle way.

Make the peacocks social - not bizarre
Bottom line - can you actually peacock in a way that doesn't make you look like a freak?

It's okay to push the envelope a little bit. You want to look like your look could be a natural extension of your personality. But you still want to look like you fit in socially.

Wearing a costume with your friend in your living room? With no one else around? It makes you look like a lonely, immature, man-boy.

But if you've built an identity as a hard-partying socialite... a picture of you in an attractive swashbuckler costume, with a wench by your side, and lots of other people dressed to the hilt in costumes will seem normal.

Again - consistency is key.

The consultant is in!

Well, folks - I'm proud to announce that personalized services are (finally) available.

Again, I'm committed to the blog and google group - you'll see no changes there. But, for people who want private, individualized attention to their specific needs and goals - I'm available. At a cost.

Here are the packages that I'm offering:

Profile Critique Service
Ordinarily, I choose "Profile clinic" articles based on how useful they'll be for my audience as a whole. But, if your profile doesn't fit the blog's needs, or if you want to engage my services privately... you can still get a profile critique. As a bonus, I'll also direct my suggestions to your expressed goals, and provide feedback on your photos.

This service is $175. I will retain the right to use your profile for educational purposes (in my blog, or elsewhere), but will not release your location, name, or photos. If you would prefer to keep your profile private to anything short of a court order, I will be happy to do so for an additional $75 fee.

Hourly Consultation Service
Some people need a little more feedback. They'd like to be on the phone with me as we co-construct their profile, address their communication difficulties, develop their image... or any other eHarmony related problems that they'd like to address. For these people, I'd be happy to provide telephone consultation for $197/hour. (Sorry, I don't bill in fractional hours.)

Again, I will retain the right to use our counseling sessions for educational purposes, but I will not release (or obtain!) voice recordings, and will not release your location, name, or photos. Again, for those who do not want our sessions to be used for educational purposes - I will do so for a $50/hour charge.

Group Consultation Service
Got a group of friends? If you agree to work in a group, your fees (as individuals) will go down. In-person consultation to groups may also be available. Arrangements will be made on a case-by-case basis.

Our Committment to You
Yes, I realize that these services are not cheap. But I'll stand by them.

Before we begin, (and before I bill you a single cent), we will discuss your goals. And we'll discuss how we can measure your improvment. If I don't think I can put you on the path to your goals... I'll let you know. Because if I can't help you, I don't want your money.

If you try my suggestions, but still don't improve? I'll keep working with you until you do. For free. Or, I'll refund your money.

Interested?
Email me at scottigrey@eharmonycracked.com. We'll get the process started.

Don't blend in - take a few risks.

Another common error that I see guys making is in their fashion choices.

A lot of guys tend to wear the same reliable, age-worn standards that everyone else wears.

In other words, clothing that makes you blend in with the crowd around you.

Well, you're trying to look different from the other photos. You're not trying to blend in.

Don't take this too far. You don't want to look like a social misfit, clown, or a guy who's mugging for attention. But you might want to try taking a few calculated risks with your fashion.

Try a few new things.

See what clothes make people pause and say, "Hey, that's a nice _____."

For me, brighter colors have helped. As well as clothes that show my physique a little better.

But, definitely, experiment. And see what works for you.

A little more about this tomorrow...

Photos: Nonverbal communication at it's finest.

Someone once said that 80% of communication is nonverbal. I don't know exactly how that was determined... but nonverbal communication is extremely important.

But, as men, we often focus on the words we use in our profile. We rely on them to let women know who we are, and why we're interesting. We use our words to define ourselves.

And, if you've got a compelling, interesting, and believable identity, women will respond.

But, a lot of guys forget the importance of the photos. Because they're a form of nonverbal communication. And they can give you away, if you're trying to fake an intriguing identity.

If you say you're a "man of adventure", but your photos are all in your office and with your nephews... women won't buy your story.

If you define yourself as the life of any party, but your photos are all of you alone - she'll believe your photos. Not your story.

If you define yourself as a refined, classy guy, but you don't have the wardrobe to match - again, they ain't gonna buy it.

So, keep these things in mind, as you select your photos. Women are not stupid.

Photos - and grabbing attention.

In eHarmony profiles, I've always advised people to tread a line.

If you say too little, or say the same things that everyone else says - women aren't going to pay attention.

If you get too freakish, though, it looks like you're desperate for attention. Or just plain weird.

Well... photos are the same way.

If you can't look like you can put yourself together well - you look weird.

If you have pictures that look the same as everybody else's - they won't grab attention.

On the other hand, if you put out pictures that are so outlandish that it makes you look like you're begging for attention - it makes you look weird or desperate.

So, how do you stand out without grandstanding?

We'll talk more about that in upcoming days.

Get out of your rut!

A few people really struggle to figure out what to write in their eHarmony profiles.

And, for a few people, it isn't just self-censorship. It's that they really can't think about what to say.

When they reflect - their lives are pretty boring. They work a "normal", unexciting job, return home, watch TV, and sleep. And their weekends aren't any more interesting.

If so... it's time to shake things up.

What are some things that you've always wanted to try?

What's stopping you from doing some of these things?

Worst comes to worst? You hate it. But at least you'll have an interesting story to tell.

Best case? You have an interest that other people might relate to.

And you'll become a more interesting guy.

Where's the good stuff?

There's an interesting phenomena that I've noticed on the Google Group.

People often struggle with their online profiles. They keep fussing and fighting over what the "right thing" is to do.

Yet, every once in awhile, in these essays where people are struggling to come up with the "right answer", there's a phrase that really "breaks through".

People reply, "Hey, that's really good."

Usually, the guy replies, "You know, I wasn't really trying. It just kind of came out that way."

To which I reply - That's why it worked.

There was no attempt to impress. Or to be "right".

What you have is a genuine element of your personality.

And those glimpses are rare, among the try-hard attitudes that prevail on eHarmony.

So, relax. And write.

Edit later.

When they've broken the ice with you...

So, you've received an icebreaker. And it isn't a request for photos.

What does that mean? Well, here's some generalities that I've formulated.

If you've initiated communication
In this case, it doesn't mean much. It means you've intrigued her, but she's probably not willing to pay for a membership.

In this case, I'd either close her, or let her sit on the bottom of your match list until she decides to fork over some money.

Don't get your hopes up.

If you haven't initiated communication
Aww. How cute. She wants to show interest without looking like she's really showing interest.

But, yes, she is interested.

And, if you like fast-track communication, go ahead and initiate it. She'll probably accept it.

But, if you do this, make it short. Only show mild interest.

Let her work for more. She's already demonstrated that she will.

When your interests ARE narrow...

Finally, let's talk a little bit about what I call "narrow-interest" searches.

Some are legitimate. They may have moral, ethical, or religious reasons to narrow their search. If (for example) you're an animal activist who is truly dedicated to a vegan vegetarian lifestyle, it probably would be too much to ask for you to meet with someone who won't adapt to how you live your life. And, in these cases, you're probably better off finding potential mates through your social network, and among the activities you attend, rather than trying to find a "match" through eHarmony.

Others... really need to think about what their search says about them.

Say, for example, you did want to narrow your search for a fellow "geek".

Really... do you think that only a fellow geek can understand you?

That you can have nothing in common with anyone else?

If so, you're leading a pretty limited life.

Consider for a moment: Might your life be better if you met a few people who had interests other than yours? Who knows - maybe you'll find some new activities that interest you!

Remember - you're being matched on similar personalities. And someone with a similar personality might have discovered an interest that you've overlooked.

Think about it.

You might enjoy meeting folks who live a little differently than you do.