Lessons from a trainwreck

This weekend, this audio has been circulating in our Google Group. (Thanks, "Just a Guy"!)

Listen to it, before reading the rest of the article. I don't want to spoil your enjoyment of this phone message trainwreck.


Douchebag Phone Message - Watch more free videos

All kidding aside? The blogosphere does indicate that this guy has built a reputation as a social artist of a sort. His primary mission is to get laid as often, and as cheaply as possible. And, from reports, he is successful in doing this. Unfortunately, there are many women who will become enraptured by a man who calls them "elegant", and looks like they carry less damage than the other men that they typically encounter. And he goes out and finds 'em.

And, yes, it's easy to laugh at this guy's attempts to impress a woman who doesn't fit the profile of his typical targets.

But, the fact is, we laugh because we've often made similar mistakes. (Just, perhaps, not as extreme.)

The first mistake? A classic mistake that people make in their "About me" profiles.

Notice how he repeatedly tells her about how much of a "catch" he is?

It's good to believe that.

But quality guys imply these qualities by their actions and their stories.

The basic qualities of being single and in good mental heath are assumed. Along with decent physical health, financial stability, breathing air, and resembling your photos.

If you bring them up directly - you look defensive.

So... don't do that.

More tomorrow...

Coming soon...

If it isn't obvious from my writings... I've been getting a lot of email asking for me to give detailed answers to specific questions, or for profile reviews.

In general, I prefer to answer questions in a way that benefits the community, rather than just the person who is asking the question. So, I usually ask them to pose the question to our Google Group. Because, if the Google Group can't answer it, I know that it's a great topic for the blog.

But, in the past, a lot of people have told me that they don't feel comfortable airing their concerns publicly. And some people want immediate answers from me, rather than the group.

And, in the past, I've responded by telling them that I am working for the betterment of the community as a whole, and, unfortunately, don't have time to answer individual questions that can't be shared with the community.

But, lately, I've been thinking about doing some projects for the blog. And these projects would cost money.

And I've also got a group of people who plead with me for immediate and private profile reviews or other "dating consultant" services.

So... if they need answers, and feel they can't contribute their stories to the community... maybe they can offer money for upcoming projects.

It's an interesting idea. And one that I'll start to explore in the next month. I need to do a few more things before I can open my business doors - but I'll be open soon.

For those in the community? Don't worry. My first priority is to forward the community. And nothing will change there.

And for those who would prefer to share their money, rather than their stories? I'll give you fair warning in advance. My time will not be sold cheaply.

An alternative path to profile building?

If you're not subscribed to our Google Group, you're really missing out. Because I'm not the only guy who's trying new things on eHarmony.

For example, one recent member described how he took a totally different approach to the "About me" section than I suggest.

First of all? He used good-quality photos. All of them had been rated on Hot or Not as 8 or above. He hasn't shared the pictures with me, but has reassured me that they're otherwise unexceptional - they don't have him in front of things that he enjoys, they aren't in interesting locations, he's not doing anything particularly noteworthy. All the pictures do is show that he's a good lookin' guy.

In the profile text? It was extremely vague and short. It didn't have any "red flags". And it didn't have anything particularly interesting either. It looked like he didn't put much effort into it. Clearly, the only attractive feature here... was that he was an attractive guy.

Again, this is an approach that I'd have predicted would not have worked well. But he says that he's getting about a 25% response rate to requests for communication. About the same rate as me.

I still put myself a little bit ahead of him - most of my matches live 3 hours away from me. But, if he's not trying to pull a fast one on all of us, this seems like it might work better than I thought it would.

If you try this approach... let me know how it works. I'd love to hear how it works for some other folks.

Remember the goals of the challenge!

To wrap up my "challenges" miniseries, it might be a good time to remind ourselves what it is about challenges that make them work.

In no particular order, challenges can successfully build attraction when:

• They create a little tension. But it should be playful tension - not critical tension.
• A woman feels good when she answers them. Challenges shouldn't be a chore. They should be fun.
• They convey that you're still the selector. Essentially, solidifying your position as an idealizable person.
• They provide a woman an opportunity to "prove" that you'll be good for mirroring or kinship.
• They force her to pursue a deepening of the relationship - rather than as a sign that you're sold on the idea of advancing, and just waiting for permission.
  

Premature challenges - they can hurt you.

Another kind of "challenge" that can hurt you is one that is given prematurely.

In the early phases of attraction, the two of you are still probably wondering if you are going to get along.

But, because of eHarmony's implicit encouragement (a wrongheaded notion, in my opinion), it's easy to fall into the trap of asking questions way too soon.

For example, if the two of you walk by a travel poster on your date, and she mentions her dream of moving to Paris, it's fair game to ask interesting follow-up questions.

Fantasizing about dream trips (without inserting yourself in them)? Also fair game.

But, coming out of the blue and asking women, "Where do you want to be in 20 years?" That's just plain weird.

On your first meeting? You're still trying to figure out if you're going to want a second meeting. And you're nowhere close to making long-term plans with each other.

And the fact that you're even asking questions like this so soon... tells her that your level of committment (without knowing her) is way too high. In a scary way.

Remember the attachment model, folks. Early challenges are meant to help you understand her better. And that's it.

Challenges - They need to be "baited".

Quick. I need all of my readers to email me all of their banking accounts' routing and account numbers.

Do it right now, before reading further.

Okay. If you have any common sense at all, you did what most people would do in that situation. You said, "What the &*(^?!", and refused.

Clearly, you've got no incentive to accede to my unreasonable request.

A lot of people who are new to the seduction literature make similar mistakes. They recognize that remaining a challenge is vital in an early attraction phase.

But, women don't respond to challenges just because you're throwing one out there. Just like most of you aren't going to give me access to your bank accounts in order to please me.

Bottom line? You have to demonstrate some reason why she should respond to your challenge.

So... if your "about me" is weak, or doesn't "vibe" with her... stricter challenges will not generate further attraction.

The problem is the bait. Not the challenge.

When challenges aren't fun

A lot of attention in the seduction community is spent upon being a "challenge".

Not giving everything up right away.

Making the other person earn your attention and interest.

It's a concept that a lot of people resist.

And it's a concept that beginners often take too far.

They forget... challenges are supposed to make the interaction more fun. For BOTH of you.

And some things that beginners confuse for challenges, such as heavy-handed demands, or intentionally making yourself a pain-in-the-butt to deal with... will harm you.

So... next week, let's talk about what makes challenges work.

Have a great weekend!

Why get angry?

One problem that I've often seen in people who struggle with relationships (and eHarmony) is a feeling of anger.

Hey, in eHarmony, and the dating world, goofy stuff does happen.

Sometimes, you'll say something that you've said to a lot of other women... but one woman blows it out of perspective.

Sometimes, she'll seem to really be into you... but, then, suddenly turns cold. Or disappears altogether.

Sometimes, women misrepresent themselves in their profiles or their communications.

Bottom line? Unless you're meeting a LOT of these people... the problem probably isn't you. It's probably her.

And that shouldn't make you angry.

Most healthy women should enjoy your company. They should enjoy the process of getting to know you. And want you to get to know her better.

The ones that don't? You have to feel sorry for them. They're going to lead very limited and unfulfilling lives.

These women have earned my pity. But not my anger.

And my thankfulness, for leaving me more time to meet normal women.

The universal answer to early dating questions.

Okay, I can't answer every single dating question out there... no matter how hard I try.

But, at least in the first few dates, there's one rule that I use to answer most of those tricky questions.

The rule?

"If a same-sex acquaintance did this to me, what would I do?"

And, ninety-nine times out of a hundred, that's the answer.

How soon should I call her after _____? What would I do with an acquaintance?

Should I meet with her after she _____? What would I do with an acquaintance?

You get the idea.

And, yes, after a few dates, she can move from "acquaintance" to "friend".

But make her earn that status. Even if she IS mind-numbingly hot.

Oh... wow.

In previous articles, I've talked about the processes of idealization, mirroring, and twinship.

How do you know when you're on the right track?

Well, first of all, you should be feeling great. If you are... you're on the right track.

Another?

When you're really hitting the target, she'll bask a little.

If she finds something she idealizes, she'll repeat her compliment.

And if you're mirroring or displaying twinship successfully, she'll keep repeating what she did to impress you.

It won't be subtle. She'll visibly relax. Almost like she's in awe. She'll probably say, "yeah", and do her repeat right away.

It's a powerful moment for her. Let her bask.

It's a good thing.

The eHarmony "Two Strike" rule

When I first started to become familiar with "game", I did find that it was helpful in convincing reluctant women to move forward in communication.

The bad news? They were still reluctant women. And usually, they had very good reasons to be reluctant.

I documented my most extreme case here.

Over time? I've found that I've been happiest when I've applied what I call, "The Two Strike rule".

Basically, when a woman is working to attract my attention... she'll make it easier for me to meet up with her. Not the other way around. And if she's acting badly before we've even met, odds are good that she ain't gonna get any better when I get to know her.

And, really, why do I want to meet someone who's going to be a royal pain in the butt?

Okay. You can go too far with this. Real life happens. Not every woman can be infinitely flexible or attentive. And it would be strange if she were.

That's why it's "Two strikes, and you're out."

One strike? I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. But no more than that. After all, there are plenty of women on eHarmony that don't act like pains in the butt.

So, what counts as a strike?

Here's a partial list. Feel free to add more of your own:

• Does not complete her profile within one week.
• Displays a noticeable lack of effort in answering profile questions.
  
• Doesn't "play along" with your open-ended questions.
  
• Doesn't provide a photo on request. (The blog describes how I do this.)
  
• Takes over a week to respond to any phase of communication.
• After usual open communication activity, doesn't agree to a phone call.
• Engages in excessive "phone tag" before you can finally talk.
• Lack of interest in the phone conversation.
• "Too busy" to accept your first two suggestions for meeting up.
• Canceling a date with reasonable notice and/or reason. (No reasonable notice or reason? That's two strikes.)
  

Believe me - every time I've given a woman more than one strike - it's always led to a crappy date. So, in my mind... the "two strike" women aren't worth the effort.

And, no, I don't feed the beasts any further by telling them why I'm dropping them. I just close 'em and move on.

How long do you wait for nonresponders?

Okay, you've sent out your request for communication. Or an open communication letter. And you've patiently waited for a response.

Many folks decide to ignore unresponsive matches, and let them languish at the bottom of their list of matches. It doesn't seem like a bad strategy.

Others like to nudge or close unresponsive matches.

If you want to take action with an unresponsive match, how long should you wait?

My rule of thumb - sometimes "normal" women can take up to a week to respond. After that... there's usually something wrong with her level of commitment at that time.

So... be patient.

Oh, and for guys who close unresponsive matches? Don't stress out. If you've got an attractive profile, women will ask you to reopen the match when they're ready. I usually get 1-2 of these requests monthly - and only average 1-2 new matches a week.

"Dating Voyance" - a review

Product: Dating Voyance
Available at: http://www.datingvoyance.com
Cost: $47.00

(Note: Many "seduction blogs" claim to post product reviews. However, many of these reviewers accept money from commissions that they receive from the sales that their reviews generate. Sadly, because of this state of affairs, we must inform readers that we do not accept affiliate commissions for products that we review. And, frankly, we hope that other reviewers will follow our example.)

Pros: If you've picked up a few seduction "tricks", and wonder why you're getting irregular results, this product will provide you with some clues as to why this is happening. May provide more experienced seduction artists with validation of their newfound understanding.

Cons: Lacks concrete examples that would be necessary for beginning seduction artists to understand the principles it puts forth. Provides a summary of well-established seduction lore, but presents nothing that is "new" to the community. Most of this material can be learned free elsewhere, albeit with more work. Sides squarely with standard seduction theory that a woman should be seduced before considering a relationship.

Full Review: In the seduction community, it's been said that there are two basic types of teachers. One set of teachers works from "The inside out" - essentially, teaching it's members the proper mental attitudes involved in working with women. The "inside out" teachers hope that, if people develop the proper mental attitudes, they will automatically begin to behave in a way that will make them more attractive.

The other set of teachers believe in working from "the outside in". They begin by telling their students the "right" way to behave. These teachers hope that, if students behave properly, that they will become more successful, and that proper mental attitudes will start to develop as a result of their increasing success.

Of course, this is an oversimplification. However, as a result of this schism, there are many students who have learned some "outside in" tricks, but are having difficulty maintaining attraction.

This product may serve to fill a gap for men who are beginning to have this difficulty. It is designed to answer the question, "Okay, once I've attracted someone's attention, how do I maintain and enhance that attraction?" And it focuses squarely on the "inside out" side of the equation. Essentially, this program provides guidance to help men understand the concept of "The frame" - the internal mental attitudes that are necessary to maintain attraction. These principles are not new to the seduction community - but I do agree that they are necessary for success.

This product does provide a fairly good exposition of theory. However, it's been said that, "Theory without practice is useless, and practice without theory creates chaos". And, although it does explain theory, it does not seem to give adequate examples as to specific ways that this theory should change people's behavior toward women, or examples of specific common problems solved by application of the theories espoused. As such, this manual is likely to go "over the heads" of people who are not already beginning to understand the principles that it espouses.

So, that's how it might be helpful for folks who've begun an "outside in" journey. But is it good for someone who is new to seduction?

Unfortunately, I'd have to answer, "No." It provides little to no advice on approaching women, or generating initial interest. There is a "bonus" item that discusses online dating, but, unfortunately, it contains almost no material that would be useful for readers of this blog. It often talks about situations where someone would need to "build attraction or comfort", but does not explain what this actually means. These elements, in my humble opinion, are crucial in order for beginners to begin to improve. However, they are not addressed in this product. This isn't a problem, per se - no product will fill the needs of every reader - but beginners should know that this product will not stand alone in their seduction education. Nor would I recommend it as a first text.

Also, relationship-minded men who do not believe in the dogma that "A woman needs to be seduced before she'll consider becoming your girlfriend" will find material that they can use, but will have to learn on their own when an inflexible frame may lead to difficulties.

In summary, this product may be a good "next step" for seduction artists who have already made their first steps in their "outer game", but are still having trouble maintaining levels of attraction. The material here is not new to the seduction community, and can be gathered from free resources... but this format may be helpful for some. However, it's lack of concrete examples will leave many readers confused as to how it's principles can be applied in "real life" situations.

But, perhaps, with continued study, and continued "field work", a dedicated student might create their own "practical applications" manual.

Maybe.

"Relationship guy" or "Lust object"? You CAN have it both ways!

Before I go into tomorrow's (first-ever) product review, there's a bit of "Seduction community" lore that I want to address...

According to classic pickup artist lore, women quickly sort guys into categories. Among the more desirable categories are those of being "The provider" and of being "The seducer".

According to the lore, "The provider" is the guy that women want to be in a long-term relationship with. He's a solid guy. He's giving, and he won't abuse. He's thoughtful, and considerate. And he'll take care of a woman well.

Of course, there's a fine line between the "nice guy" and the "provider". Phony "nice guys" are to be avoided. And it takes a lot of time for a woman to decide if a guy is truly a provider.

Bottom-line? Even if a guy is a good provider, and a woman is looking for someone to take that role, it's going to take months for the woman decides she's comfortable enough to sleep with the guy. (On the other hand, unlike the "seduction community", I won't disagree with anyone who chooses this path.)

On the other hand, according to seduction lore, there's another class of men. The "Seducers". These men are the objects of lust. Seducers are attractive, charming, and seductive. They know how to meet a woman's sexual needs, and don't confuse sexual urges for love. And when the good times are over? The two of you can go your own ways, without any messy drama. Of course, not all women want a seducer in their lives at any given moment... but that's okay to most seducers.

Unlike the "provider", it's quickly clear to women that "seducers" aren't stereotypic nice guys. So... it's easier for a "seducer" to get laid quickly than it is for a "provider".

Because of this, standard seduction lore is to act like a full-out seducer, and to deflect any "provider"-type questions as funny and irrelevant. According to PUA lore, it's impossible to be both a seducer and a provider. And for guys who want a long-term relationship? They encourage them to act like seducers, and then shift gears later.

And that sums up seduction lore.

The funny thing is, despite many PUA's insistence that one person can't be both a provider and a seducer... My experience is different.

There are elements that can be successfully combined.

The "seducer" has a lot of good traits. He's charming. Assertive. A guy who can "take charge" in a relationship. A guy who understands women's physical desires, and doesn't make women ashamed of them. A guy who can take a relationship one day at a time, and has the confidence to know he can find another woman when he knows things aren't working out.

On the other hand, the "provider" has a lot of desirable traits as well. He's stable and solid, economically and emotionally. He won't selfishly try to take advantage of women. He can change his behavior if he sees a woman being hurt. He can make reasonable compromises in a relationship (but, unlike the "nice guys", won't harm himself or act ingenuinely to do so). And he's ready to bond with someone, if things are right.

When you combine the good things of both worlds, you can have the advantages of both worlds. In an early relationship you can be both the guy she lusts after, and the guy she sees a glimmer of a chance of being in a relationship with.

And I've done it many times.

Beware the profile police...

If you hang around eHarmony for long enough, you'll probably run into a profile or two that instructs potential "matches" to contact them via email - and leaves an email address.

And a few members, after seeing this, might think about trying this out themselves. After all, it gives nonmembers a way to reach you... right?

A word of advice? Don't.

eHarmony routinely reads it's members' profiles. And, if you leave an email address behind, they will block you from receiving other matches. Permanently. Even if you still have weeks or months of membership prepaid.

So, if you're "lucky" enough to see one of these profiles before they get caught... should you respond?

Up to you. Remember - a woman who isn't willing to pay for her membership isn't terribly motivated to actually meet folks. If you do, I'd recommend using a "throwaway" email address, in case she turns out to be a spammer.

How many eHarmony matches will you get? I've updated the formula!

It's been six months since I've published my original "Date Predictor" - a tool designed to help people think about how a change in their match settings will affect how many people they'll be able to meet on eHarmony. It will also generate rough estimates of how many matches you'll recieve per day, and how many people are able to be matched, within your criteria. However, there are a lot of reasons why this estimate would be inaccurate.

Anyway, in the last six months, the statistics have changed, and it's now time to update the tool. You can download the new tool here.

Bad news - for most guys, the statistics have gotten worse in the last six months. Factors that may be affecting a decline in your matches?

• New member growth on eHarmony has slowed, somewhat.
• The male/female ratio has risen. It's now 60% female.
• If you're not interested in women who have children... sorry, but the percentage of the membership with children has grown to 32%.

Good news? Quality guys are still hard to find.

A few "eHarmony Cracked" testimonials

I'm sure a few of you folks are reading this, and wonder: "Does this stuff really work?"

Well, you don't have to take my word for it. Here are a few testimonials.

And, thanks, guys (and gals). Words like this are what make this blog worth the effort.

"Hi, Scott. I've been reading your blog. [...]I've been getting my profile ready to become a member, and wow, did I make a lot of mistakes [...] Thanks for your help!"

"Hi Scott-
I love your blog. Eharmony has gone from being slightly better than a trip to the dentist to being kind of fun! I've done ok before now, but now realize all the things ive done wrong in the past."

"Hi Scott,
I read your blog and loved it- it was great to get the male perspective on the eharmony experience. I learned a lot, and I now feel empowered knowing you guys have a lot of the same feelings about it that us girls do. I even tweaked my profile afterwards. I'm ashamed to say I had the old "I'm shy, at first" in there.
I just wanted to thank you for your insights, and although I know you meant for it to be for men only, I got a lot out of it. My EH crush seems like he's read your blog, too, and has essentially ruined all my other matches' chances with me. We're currently stuck in "email hell", but thanks to you, I'm going to make a move soon!
- thirty-something rocker girl on EH"

"Youre my only hope.
Okay, not really.
But I'm interested in joining your little sweatlodge."

"Hi Scott,
Great blog! I've been on eH, off and on, for quite a while and have wondered about most of the topics you've addressed. Thanks for providing so much information. I've learned quite a few things, confirmed some suspicions, and enjoyed reading it all."

"Scott,

I stumbled upon your site and what you say works! I got out of open communication to talking on the phone in 4 messages. [...]

eHarmony is an awesome system, better than any other dating site, but your site is makes eHarmony twice as good.

Thanks. If you are ever in [City], I want to buy you a beer. Or maybe name my first born after you."

(A female response to a "Profile Clinic" article) "Dear Mr. Grey, I am not a Google member, so cannot post a comment to your blog but I really enjoyed reading today's blog, and agree with your comments for [the guy's who's profile I edited.] Would you consider giving him my email address?"

"Hi Scott,

I'm a new eharmony member and I have been reading your blog. It's a very interesting read and most of your ideas make a lot of sense to me. I feel that your strategies are backed by a genunie sense of goodness and appreciation for self and others. [...] I'm excited to learn more."

"I would like to thank you for your eHarmonyCracked blog. After I reading a few posts, I got hooked. The advice is great and some of the stories are priceless."

My story goes... I signed up a little over 3 months ago with a promotional code. About 3 weeks (ago) before my membership was to expire, I found your blog. Your advice helped me to get more responses and to get into open communication quicker."

"Thanks again for your advice. [...] I had a date with [identifier] on Saturday and it went well. I inivted her backto my apt and we watched some TV and kissd. On the way out, she pushd me into the wall in the elevator on the way out and made out with me some more. She texted me later to "thank me again" and "that she promised to be a lot less shy next time". Not exactly sure what I've done right, but things are good."

The martial artist meets eHarmony...

Well, once again, it was time to renew my "personal defense" training at work.

Besides reviewing maneuvers that I hadn't used in over a year, they did revise the introductory coursework. And added a startling statistic.

Basically, this: Every time you're in a (real) fight, the chances that you'll walk away without a serious injury drop in half every 15 seconds. I'm not sure I remember the statistic exactly, but you get the idea - the longer you prolong the fight, the less likely you are to walk away.

But, after thinking about it, this makes a lot of sense. If you can't take your opponent out quickly with your best maneuvers, more time is probably not going to make much of a difference.

Yet, in people's eHarmony profiles, I see people making this mistake a lot. They take a decent, intriguing idea.... and then keep on adding more.

As a result, the profile almost always gets worse.

Short profiles are good. They're confident. And they demonstrate that your online "life" isn't nearly as important as your real life.

So... if the section that you're working on is successfully opening an emotional door.... stop. A strong 1-2 sentence answer is almost always better than a longer one.

(P.S. If you're in a real fight, and it does go long? Never give up. You'll always lose if you stop trying.)

Is she the one? How to know for sure!

So, after following Neil Clark Warren's expert guidance, you've found a great woman.

But, is she really the one?

After considerable research, I've uncovered yet another scientific test to help you figure it out.

(Believe it or not... this guy wasn't joking.)

Enjoy! (Click on the image for a bigger picture.)

"Milestones", and why they shouldn't matter!

A common theme to questions on the Google Group, lately, has been, "I'm having trouble with (a milestone)."

In fact, I answered one specific question recently.

It seems like these "milestones" cause a lot of problems with guys.

Getting the phone number. Getting the first date. Getting the first kiss. When she's "officially" a girlfriend. Having sex for the first time. Meeting the family. The list goes on and on.

The funny thing is? Most of the time, the barriers are in the guy's mind.

Bottom line, when a girl likes a guy, she's unlikely to deny the natural progression of the relationship. But, when you make it look like a milestone event, she'll pause.

If you're spending all your time together, and not dating other people... congratulations. She's your girlfriend. And nothing really needs to be said at all.

If you're comfortable with each other, things are getting hot and heavy, and neither of you have real mental or moral barriers... sex is going to happen.

Want her to meet your parents? When your parents are having an event, invite her along.

Don't feel like doing any of these things yet? Don't force it. That's guaranteed to make you both uncomfortable.

If she refuses? It's rare, but, when it happens, don't let it hurt you. Just say, "I understand", and let it go. You can always try again later.

But, most of the time... women won't get weird unless they feel like you're forcing something, or you otherwise make her think it should.

Posts will be in the evening

This week, I will be putting up my blog posts in the evening.

... and thanks for continuing to read eHarmony Cracked!

On the date, focus on emotions, not facts.

Recent posts have stressed the theme of how most guys, in order to let women know more about them (and for them to get to know the woman) focus on facts. And I've also been discussing how sharing each other's emotional worlds can be a much more effective strategy.

This applies to the date, as well.

A lot of people who are new to dating flounder in the facts. What have you done? What are you doing? What things do you like? Where and when did you do these things?

Actually, it's better to use these questions as pathways to open emotional worlds - not to ask further factual questions.

So, let's say that you've learned that the woman works as a teacher.

You could follow up with facts. What school do you work at? How long have you worked there? Where did you go to college? And once you've exhausted those facts, you could move on to other facts - where she grew up, and so on.

But you'd be missing out giving her an opportunity to share her emotional world.

Is teaching something that she's always wanted to do? Is this the culmination of her dream? If not, what were her dreams? If so, what fantasies did she have on going into this field? Has reality been as good as her dreams?

What keeps her going at the job? What things is she most enthusiastic about? What are the challenges that she overcomes?

Once you open that emotional gateway, you'll have a lot more questions.

And, in return, she'll ask you questions that are just as good.

And, after the first date, you'll have much more of an emotional connection than she'll experience with most guys.

And that's a good thing.