When comfort is high, and attaction is low...

One of the most frustrating experiences people have when they're starting to do well on eHarmony is when they've built a comfort level with a woman, but the level of attraction is low.

When the comfort level is high, a woman will feel okay about spending time with you. She knows that you're a decent, solid guy. She knows that you're likable in some way.

But, when you haven't built a sense of attraction... there's no sense of tension.

She knows that you want to be with her. You're reliable, and comfortable. Good to have around when she needs to feel desired.

And you can be put away again, if she finds someone who needs to be chased. Because you're a handy "backup man".

So, what behaviors can you expect when comfort is high, but attraction is low?

• She doesn't agree to a phone call or date, but still wants to talk online.
• You go on a lot of dates, but she turns away your attempts to advance the relationship.
  
• She flakes on dates, but still wants to continue talking with you.
• She sees you as a friend, but nothing more.

When you're in this spot... the best thing to do is to is figure out why attraction is low.

What are you doing that makes you available in this way?

Figure it out. Because you'll need it for the next step.

(By the way, tomorrows article will be posted in the evening. Thanks for reading - and have a great new year!)

What creates attraction? What creates comfort?

In my previous articles, I've thrown out the terms "building attraction" and "building comfort". However, I'm now realizing that I've never really attempted to define these terms.

Let's try to solve this problem.

"Attraction", in it's early stages, is a state of enjoyable tension and anxiety.

In the beginning, it comes by expressing hints that you have traits that she finds desirable, but are difficult to find in others. And it comes from being uncertain that she will be able to catch or hold your attention.

Attraction creates energy, tension, and excitement. But, if the level of excitement becomes too high, it stops being enjoyable, and starts to become scary. It becomes... uncomfortable.

So, when attraction is starting to become scary, "comfort" needs to be built.

"Comfort" builds a sense that, if a woman continues to peruse you, she's not going to be hurt. It comes from sharing the same goals in a relationship (whether it's a quick shag, or to consider each others' long-term potential). From not being so critical that she fears disrespect. And, later in the relationship, that you share common values.

They're the qualities that make someone a good friend. Someone you know, and can rely upon. And it's an important part of a relationship, especially in the long-term.

But, if "attraction" isn't there... you're "just friends." You're the guy who's reliable, who understands her, and won't leave. You're a fixture in her life, but not an object of desire.

And female friends can be great. But they're not girlfriends. And it's rare that they'll turn into girlfriends later.

Let's go over some specific "problems" in attraction and comfort tomorrow.

The eHarmony Date Predictor has been updated...

Only two days after it's release, the eHarmony Date Predictor has been updated. You can download it here.

Changes made:

• Changed "number of active eHarmony members" and source of information. May provide a more accurate number of dates that you'll get when you first subscribe. (Or, it may not.)
• Factored in the increased likelihood that women with attractive pictures will get more dates. (Why didn't I think of that before?)

Enjoy!

Lessons learned from real-estate agents

One good thing about rainy days on a vacation - it give you time to catch up on your reading.

I've had "Freakonomics" (By Levitt and Dubner) sitting on my shelf for quite awhile.

And, yes, it does include a lot of data on online dating... but there was a section that intrigued me more.

It was a section that discussed the terms that real-estate agents use when they're describing homes.

Turns out that some of the things that sound good on paper are actually associated with lower sales prices on the home.

The terms that the authors listed?

"Fantastic", "Spacious", "Charming", "Great Neighborhood", and the use of exclamation points.

What's wrong with these descriptions?

They're vague.

They signal that you're trying to "puff up" something that doesn't have that much value.

Terms that were associated with stronger sales prices were more specific. They pointed out specifics of the home - that countertops were "granite", or that "maple" cabinets were present. They described the "state-of-the art" features, or what specific "new" items were present.

So, in the end, the homes that sold for the best prices were ones that hooked people's interest with a few specific features that made people want to take a closer look.

Which, in the end, doesn't surprise me. Because I see the same thing in online profiles.

Ones that say, "I'm wonderful, fantastic, intelligent, witty, and rich", aren't terribly effective. Because anyone can say that they're any of these things.

The ones that imply these traits with specific stories are much more successful.

17 million members? By what definition?

I did a little more thinking since yesterday's postscript...

As I've mentioned, eHarmony claims to have 17 million members.

Trouble is, they don't define what a "member" is. Most people (including eHarmony Blog and myself) assume that, when someone is a member of a paid service, they are active in the system, and paying membership fees.

And, more importantly to us, we assume that we can (potentially) meet any of these members.

Yesterday, after running some calculations, I expressed some skepticism about whether or not eHarmony was defining "member" the way that we assumed. And, at that time, I resigned myself to not knowing.

Well, there was a way to find out. Our old friend, Quantcast.com.

Sure enough, Quantcast estimates that eHarmony has 3 million unique visitors per month.

Leaving a minimum of 14 million "members" who don't even bother to log on once a month.

Taking that even further... Quantcast also estimates that only 50% of it's visitors visit the site more than once a month.

So, yes, that "17 million members" seems awfully inflated, if you're assuming that eHarmony is talking about active members.

So... why do I care so much about eHarmony's marketing claims?

Actually, I don't particularly care what eHarmony does to promote it's business... until it starts sending it's members messages that are harmful and counterproductive.

Yes, eHarmony, members get upset when they don't get matches. Especially when you imply that people who don't go through your matching protocol won't be "right" or have happy marriages.

Again, take my worksheet. Run the numbers. (I'll be revising my worksheet soon.) See if you're in a position to actually meet people on eHarmony.

And if you're already a member, and you're not getting matches... don't take it personally. eHarmony has never been honest in telling you how many people they had for you to meet.

How many dates should I expect?

One common worry that people have when they sign onto eHarmony is whether the service will provide them with enough matches.

In some cases, that fear is justified. If you're trying to find a bride who shares your Hindi beliefs, you live in a small town in Wyoming, and you can't travel further than 10 miles away... it's unlikely that eHarmony is going to find matches for you.

So, what can you expect from eHarmony if you're not in such a ridiculous situation?

That's hard to say. Because eHarmony keeps it's demographics secret.

Recently, eHarmony Blog attempted to answer this question, by calculating the number of members (or new members per day) that are likely to be in your area.

It seemed like a good start. But, unfortunately, not all of those members are matchable to you. Some are not going to be of the opposite sex. And, if you're like me, you're only interested in certain subsets of the population.

So, how can you figure out how many dates you're likely to get if you subscribe to eHarmony?

I've developed a worksheet to help guide your thought process. You can download the worksheet here.

It's still not going to provide accurate numbers - the model that we've used here is very crude, and is likely to be based on some inaccurate data. In my hands, it overestimated the number of Jewish women that would be matched to me in my state.

But, since no one (are you listening, eHarmony?) has provided a better tool - it's the best that can be done right now.

Enjoy!

Postscript: I just reran the worksheet to figure out how many new dates I should get from an area (using my criteria) per day. This figure was much more accurate.

It could be luck. (And this is not a small possibility.) Or it could rely on eHarmony's definition of a "member". Are members who once signed onto the site, but canceled still considered "members", despite the fact that no current member can have a match with them?

We don't know. And eHarmony is, unfortunately, unlikely to tell us.

My experience with the "importance" slider.

Oh, yes. Flexible matching. One of eHarmony's most recent inventions. Where they temporarily ignore the preferences you've expressed about smoking, drinking, religion, age, or location.

Thankfully, they haven't gone to "flexible matching" on gender. Yet.

Sure, you can always close anyone for any reason that you see fit. But it's still a pain to weed out the matches that you've already said that you don't want.

You do have one weapon against the "flexible match". The preference slider. Where you have a chance to point out how "important" these are, from a scale of "very important" to "not important".

And, yes, I've had to use it. Here's my experience.

Geography
My net was cast pretty wide - I've accepted matches from my state, and every state surrounding me. (I don't necessarily accept matches from all of these locations, but it's the best filter for my purposes.) Unfortunately, "flexible matches" from outside this radius were the most difficult to get rid of.

In my experience, my box was flooded with matches far, far away until I moved my "importance slider" to the next-to highest setting. And when I did that, I received no more at all.

Strange. But that's my experience, anyway.

Age
I'm in my late 30s, and set my age preference for to my age or below. (I'm not ready to cut off the possibility of having children, and want to spend a decent amount of time getting to know a woman before making the leap.) And, yes, the "flexible matches" have almost all been older than my preference. (Not all of them, though.)

For me, the "midway point" has worked pretty well. About 1 in 10 will be above my stated age preference, and then by a maximum of 5 years. (Not counting the ones who lie about their age.) And, for me, this has been a decent screening point.

But if you get more matches than me, even this much manual screening might be a pain. In that case, go higher.

As for the rest - I don't have much experience. I've never wanted to eliminate social drinkers or smokers. They're set at lowest "not important", figuring I'd manually prune the heavy drinkers or ones that smoke at places other than parties (even that last one's annoying, but not deal-killing alone). For me, religion matching has been a primary reason for using eHarmony, so it's always been set at the highest level. And the other stuff, alone, isn't a deal-breaker. (My income is fine, and I'm fine with meeting intelligent and fun women even if they've been educated in the school of hard knocks.)

Got different experiences? Let's share here, or in the google group.

I'm on vacation...

I'll be on vacation next week. And I'll be taking a break from writing articles.

I'll be back, rested, and ready on December 24th.

NOW how much would you pay?!

It's the holidays again... a time of year when we see all those crappy products on T.V. that make "a great gift". And, I hate to date myself, but I call a lot of them "Ronco" products, because, a long time ago, they were the biggest promoters of these novelty items.

Now, I'm sure that these items make money, or their companies would go out of business. But, you have to admit, some of these gadgets are things that you'd never buy for yourself.

I mean... how many times have you REALLY thought that you needed your egg scrambled inside it's shell? Or felt like using a manual pair of scissors was hard work? Or felt like you needed a special gadget to melt chocolate or do push-ups?

Me either.

But they keep on trying. Endlessly.

One of the "tricks" that they use to sell this crap?

Adding special bonuses. The incessant calls of, "Buy now, and we'll include"... something else.

By now, you're probably going, "Okay, Scott. I know what you're talking about. But what does this have to do with eHarmony?"

Well, a lot of people use the "Ronco call" in their profiles.

You'll notice that most of the eHarmony profile questions ask you to name one thing. For example, what you're most passionate about. Or what trait people notice about you right away.

And so many profiles take the Ronco approach. They give a lukewarm, uninteresting answer that displays no passion or emotion.

And, to help the bad product sell, they add, "But I also"... and throw down a long laundry list of other things that they think women might like.

Women notice when you're trying to sell yourself "Ronco Style". And they realize that, most of the time, people who use this style of advertising are selling a silly, valueless product.

You're better than that.

So... Don't give laundry lists of "special bonuses if you buy now". Just answer the questions in a strong, affirmative, genuine, interesting, and brief way.

It works a lot better than the Ronco approach.

And if you don't believe me, try it free for 90 days.

Sharing your nerdy self...

Finally, one questions that nerds often have...

When should I start telling her about my geeky interests?

My answer? Don't worry. You can't hide your geeky side. And she's going to figure it out.

But, don't worry. She'll have fun figuring it out. And, odds are, she'll be fine with it.

Again, in the beginning, when you're trying to develop a sense of attraction, stick to communicating as the the intelligent, interesting, and fun adult that you've become.

Unless you're pretty sure that she shares an interest in one of your geeky topics, you don't have to bring it up. You're an adult, with many interests. Why do you want to begin a date with a conversation topic that she isn't going to relate to?

If she asks you about your interest in geeky things (and she often will), go ahead and tell her. And if she picks up a few signals (for example, spotting the XBox and game collection in your living room), acknowledge it. There's no need to be defensive. And she'll usually bring it up because it's interesting to her.

And, finally, once you're in a place where the attraction is solid (i.e. when you've made out, or know you easily could have), go ahead and start sharing your story, and how you've overcome your social problems in your past.

Just make sure that she shares too.

When nerds write profiles...

When nerds are having difficulty attracting women's attention on eHarmony it can be alarming.

It can bring a nerd back to the bad old days. They days when they were socially awkward. And socially shunned.

And, suddenly, when they go to edit their profile, they think of themselves as the unlikable child that they were in middle school.

Which, in a way, is a strange thing.

Most nerds thrive in their adulthood. They have interesting accomplishments and achievements. They do things in their spare time that can capture people's interest and imagination. And these are great things to incorporate in your profile - whether it's the pride you have in your latest invention (and how it's going to help other people), your travels to places that other people wouldn't think of visiting, or a new exotic dish or type of music that just caught your attention.

But, when a nerd starts to feel like that awkward child, they often stop talking about the interesting, accomplished adult that they've become, and start talking about the awkward child, instead.

Unfortunately, the awkward child makes for a bad profile. It says that you're emotionally stuck in the past, and implies that you're having difficulties living your life now as an adult.

So, drop the baggage from your profile.

Don't talk about your social anxieties and fears. Everyone has them. Nerds, and non-nerds alike. To become a successful adult, you've had to face those fears in the past. And you'll continue to do so. Take pride in that. But don't put it in the profile.

Also, back in high school, there were a lot of things that nerds would do in order to identify fellow-nerds who might make decent friends. While the cool kids were talking about rock bands, clothes, and who-dated-who, nerds tend to share knowledge that identified them as members of the "nerd tribe". Things like comic books, role-playing games, computers, science fiction, and so forth.

Now, if you ran into a female profile that focused on their obsession with an '80s band, the fact that they were their school's homecoming queen 20 years ago, and the "cool" fashion labels that they wore... you'd probably wonder about their maturity.

And women are going to ask the same questions about you, if you dwell on your "geeky" interests. They'll worry that they'll get stuck on a date with an awkward teenager, rather than an interesting, intelligent, and self-assured adult.

So, stop. And concentrate your profile on what you've become as an adult.

Not what you were in high school.

Believe me, they'll figure it out. We'll come to that tomorrow.

Nerd power!

A common theme in the seduction community, and among our readers, is something that I like to call "The Nerd Factor".

Let's face it. Being a nerd can be a difficult thing when you're growing up.

Nerds, by definition, are very bright. They see the world a little differently. And they value the idea of being "right".

In middle school and high school, though, nerds tend to be socially shunned. Because, to a teenager, people who are "different" and "difficult to understand" are socially shunned. (Or worse.)

When nerds grow up, though, things start to turn around. Because these same characteristics - intelligence, fastidiousness, and "out of the box thinking" often make nerds very successful.

Believe me, I know. I'm a nerd myself.

And, yes, with a little effort, nerds can also be very successful in dating as well.

First of all, don't be afraid to use your strengths.

Intelligence, success, and insightfulness are very good things. They're sexy to a lot of women - just ask any of my ex-girlfriends.

Sure, they're scary qualities for a few women - but do you really want to be with someone who doesn't value what you have to offer? Let 'em date the folks that are in their league.

And your childhood experiences? They're a part of what makes you a mature adult. You probably shouldn't talk about these things quickly, but, once some sense of attraction is there (i.e. at a point after which you could, or have, make out with her), the story of your difficult childhood, and how you've overcome it speaks very highly of your character. I (and many seduction artists) have often been surprised about how sharing these aspects of your development can deepen a woman's level of attraction.

The biggest problems nerds have? They emphasize the wrong stuff too quickly. And they try too hard to impress.

More detail tomorrow...

Elements of Confidence

For the next mental attribute, I'll cover that big "C" - Confidence.

A lot of seduction literature stresses the importance of confidence, but doesn't describe how you demonstrate confidence in your interactions. So... here's a summary.

Confidence to be selective
You aren't the typical guy, who's looking for just anyone. You are looking for the right person. And you aren't going to know whether someone is right for a good long time.

In the meantime, you're having fun. But if she's not what you're looking for... you know that it's time to move on. And you know that you deserve, and can get, what you want.

What do you want? That depends on you.

Confidence to be genuine
You're not out to impress her. You're just a guy who's being himself, and having a good time. Whatever that means to you.

If she has a good time with you? Great. She's passing your tests.

If she's not? Next.

Confidence to advance the relationship
You can read a woman's signals, and you're comfortable with advancing the relationship when things are ready.

Establishing touch is a sign of comfort, not a sign of conquest.

When a woman's being flirtatious, you're comfortable and confident in your abilities.

When the time is right, you can take the lead.

And if you make a mistake? You don't get upset. You can even laugh about it.

Not there yet? It comes with practice. Keep pluggin'.

Quality #3: Listen critically.

Hormonal thinking is a funny thing.

When we're with an attractive woman, and the hormones start kicking in, a lot of us see what we want to see, and hear what we want to hear.

Unfortunately, when we're like this, it's rarely attractive.

Women tell us important things when they talk to us.

Sometimes it's a matter of body language. Volumes have been written on "indicators of interest" and "indicators of disinterest". When she's showing interest, you need to advance, or things will start getting weird. If she's showing disinterest, listen for awhile - she'll either tell you why, or she feels that you're getting too warm before you've demonstrated that she's earned your attention.

Sometimes, she'll put her "stuff" out there quickly. For example, when a woman talks about her plans to leave the city in a month... you can bet that she's not looking for a long-term relationship. And will probably become very uncomfortable if you act like you're looking for one from her. (Probably with a reaction of, "Aww... that's sweet, but I can't see myself with you that way." And a quick dumping, before things get more uncomfortable for her.)

So, when she's talking... don't leap to agreement or awe. Listen. Critically. And demonstrate playful curiosity.

If she's interested in you, she wants to earn, and qualify for your attention.

Don't disappoint her. Unless you want to.

Mental attribute #2: Relationships aren't forced.

Next on our list of attributes that enhance both initial attraction and the ability to engage in a long-term relationship, is one that will, as a bonus, save you a lot of mental effort and energy.

And, before I describe it, let me give you an example.

I was at a Jewish fellowship event, and an attractive woman was sitting next to me. We easily engaged in conversation for awhile, and she was displaying a lot of signs of interest. (Gaze, hair flipping, qualifying herself, and so forth.)

Suddenly, conversation hit a lull.

We've all been there. That awkward moment, where people start to ask, "What should I say now?" And usually end up saying something stupid.

I did something different. I thought to myself, "Hmm... she's not keeping up conversation. That's unusual. She might be kinda boring."

And, I turned to other guys at the table, and engaged them in the conversation.

Yeah, she jumped. And quickly restarted the conversation, in a way that would draw me back in.

And that comes to my next point about a healthy mental frame.

Healthy men do not feel that they need to ride "success" on any particular woman.

If the levels of attraction, interest, and chemistry aren't there... that's fine.

If you come into a relationship roadblock that can't work out... that's fine too.

I'm not saying that good relationships will never have conflicts. But "force-fits" shouldn't be necessary.

And if you're not feeling it working... moving a woman off your list IS progress.

And, believe me, women find it refreshing when a man isn't bending over backwards to get a woman into their life.

And they like rising to the challenge.

(And, yes, the woman gave me her phone number. Too bad for her that my girlfriend moved faster...)

Be fun, not ingratiating.

So, what aspects of your personality do you want to cultivate, in order to be seen as both attractive, and a good long-term prospect for a relationship?

That's a tough question. I don't know if any one person can come up with the answer.

But, in my experience, I can tell you about a blend that seems to be working for me. And, although I still haven't found the person that I want to stay with... I find that most of my ex-girlfriends still want me back. And I usually have to beat them away pretty hard.

It's a high quality problem, I suppose...

For the first aspect? It's a way to avoid the "nice guy" trap of trying to attract a woman by being ingratiating, agreeable, and tactful.

When you do this, women may have a pleasant date. (Until they've been given too much, and feel pressure to reciprocate.) Unfortunately, they don't feel attracted to men who use these tactics as their lures.

I don't blame "nice guys" for trying this tactic. They're trying to make a woman feel good. But, when a guy works so hard to avoid any perceived offense, it fails. Miserably.

So, if being a "nice guy" fails to create attraction, what does?

And that comes to the first rule of initial attraction: Be fun to be with.

A woman doesn't want to be with a man for his ability to be ingratiating. She will want to be with you because you are unique and fun to be with.

What aspects of your personality make you "fun?"

That's a little different for everybody. And there's no genuine personality type that's fun for every woman.

Some people have a great wit and sense of humor. If not overused (to a point where it's masking other aspects of your personality, or looking like you're trying too hard to impress), it's a great tool.

Others have interesting stories. About travel. Or their life experiences. Or their hobbies.

Some can take women on interesting, unique experiences during their dates. Or show really insightful understanding of subjects that women take interest in.

Bottom line? Find what qualities you have that make women feel like they want to spend time with you.

And show her how you're different from the other men out there.

Because a man who really knows how to make a woman happier in his presence, in the end, is displaying the essence of attraction.

P.S. Yes, the pickup artists have a lot of routines that can provide some of the needed "spice". But you can't overrely on them, if you're looking for a long-term relationship. If you want to use a few of them that fit in with your overall personality, fine. But overall reliance on "tricks" can get you in trouble. Fast.

About those Man-Sluts and Bad Boys...

Okay, since I've covered the "nice guys" topic yesterday, it seems like I'd be remiss in not talking about "Bad boys". Even if it's it's becoming a seduction cliche, I imagine it still maddens a lot of our beginning readers.

It is a cliche. But it's a cliche because it is a universal rallying point for the nice guys of the world. It's the usual statement, "Why do women want to be with jerks?"

Well, yesterday's article explained why women don't like to be with "nice guys". It's because women don't see them as"nice". They see them as manipulative guys with hidden agendas.

Jerks and man-whores don't have hidden agendas. They let women know, quickly, what it is they want from a woman.

Now, this may come as a surprise to some of you (and as no surprise to others)... Most healthy women have a strong libido. And they like to get laid too. Maybe even more than men do.

And when a woman wants a no-nonsense shag... she ain't gonna pick the "nice guy" with the hidden agenda. Those guys make things much too complicated.

She'll pick the guy who makes it clear that getting laid doesn't mean anything other than having a good time. A guy who will make her feel good, even if it's solely as an object of sexual desire. And who won't make her feel ashamed or dirty for having a healthy sexual appetite.

And, in that way, they're much safer than the nice guys.

So, why shouldn't you be a man-slut or bad boy?

They have their advantages. If you want to get laid as often as possible, by as many women as possible... standard pick-up advice will get you there.

But these approaches will kill your ability to form a long-term relationship - which is what most of my readers want.

The universal pick-up statement on long-term relationships? "If I meet the woman that I can't live without, then I'll stop."

The problem? People tend to coast on mental inertia.

When you see each other as no-nonsense, minimal-attachment sex objects, it becomes very difficult to shift that mindset.

And in the world of the pick-up artists, I'm not hearing any field reports from men who have really found that one special woman.

So, being a "nice guy" doesn't work. And the "man-whore/bad boy" will find it very hard to shift gears into a committed relationship. So, what's a guy to do?

Relax. I'll really start talking about what's working for me tomorrow.

Sorry about the false start.

What IS a "nice guy" anyway?

Nice: 1. pleasing; agreeable; satisfactory. 2. thoughtful and considerate; pleasant; kind. 3. exact; precise; discriminating; able to distinguish small differences. 4. minute; fine; subtle. 5. delicately skillful; requiring great care, ability, or tact. 6. exacting; hard to please; very particular. 7. proper; suitable. 8. demanding a high standard of conduct; scrupulous.

The World Book Encyclopedia Dictionary, 1963 ed.

A lot of people are taking my advice on the online portion of eHarmony. They're doing well, and they're getting dates.

But they're having trouble moving past the first few dates.

The usual line? "You're a nice guy, but...."

Yeah, I've been there. A lot. Until I understood what "nice" really meant.

When "nice guys" hear the word "nice", they think about the positive connotations of the word. And they ask themselves, "Do women really want a guy who is unkind to other people?"

No. Most women appreciate a man who is able to show kindness.

But, when women talk about "nice guys", they're talking about the other traits.

Nice guys are pleasing. They go overboard to make someone else happy, and sacrifice their desires.

Nice guys are agreeable. They'll almost always go along with what the woman says. And they'll avoid conflict or argument.

They keep up pleasant appearances - and never let a woman know their displeasure.

They are tactful. They display a masterful dance of withdrawing and restating things to avoid any perceived offense.

In short? They don't let a woman know what they're really like. It's really creepy to think about being in a relationship with someone you don't know. And some of the other aspects of the definition of "nice" are not good. Such as being socially manipulative and indirect. Or holding inflexible standards for "acceptable" behavior.

So, no. Being a "nice guy", in this sense, is not a compliment.

We'll talk about an alternative tomorrow.

And, no, it's not "Be an asshole, instead".