Day off tomorrow...

No post tomorrow, guys.

Happy Rosh Hashanah, to our Jewish readers!

For Members Only!

Well, folks... I took a couple weeks off eHarmony as an expired member. First, because I was on a foreign vacation with a lot more to do. The next week... because I was waiting for a decent coupon.

Anyway, there's one discovery that I made as a nonmember:

The "Who's viewed me" list is only available to members.

So, for those folks who thought that frequent "pops" on the list would entice people to join (an idea that I was skeptical of, in the first place), I'm afraid that's now proven ineffective.

Happy crackin'!

If you're tempted to use "trick" pictures...

To wrap up my discussion of photos (for awhile at least), I've got one final message.

Yes, guys. I know that a lot of women use "trick pictures". It can be tempting to use the same tricks as well.

But really, if you have to resort to trickery, why don't you spend your effort on fixing the problem instead of coming up with new ways to hide them?

If you've got a skin condition, or yellow teeth - why fix it in photoshop when you can go to a doctor, dentist, or pick up some drugstore products and fix the problem?

If you have to come up with creative angles and crops to hide your weight - how about getting into shape? Yes, it's hard. I know. I've had to lose a lot of weight myself. But, maybe it's time to stop covering up, and start the process of repair.

And if you need help finding the right clothes and accessories to look good for your photos - maybe it's time to put that effort toward improving your look after the photo is taken as well?

You can continue hiding. Or you can fix the problem, and never worry again.

I, for one, will choose the latter.

Focus on you - not the background!

As I've mentioned, eHarmony photos shouldn't be taken only with you and a blank background.

But that doesn't mean that the focus of the picture should be the background. It shouldn't.

The picture still needs to show you.

So... here are a few composition tricks.

Perspective matters
It's fun to take pictures on your vacation.

And, often, the sites we see on our vacations are grand... and big.

They can consist of vast scenes - like the Grand Canyon, large gardens, or expansive deserts.

Or they can include things that are really big. Things like amusement park rides. Or dinosaurs.

The trouble is... when you've got a big or expansive background, you usually look pretty small in comparison.

And eHarmony pictures, by their nature, are small. So, if you're cramming that full-scale model of the space shuttle into your picture - your matches may see the rocket - but they can't see you!

A rule of thumb? See if you can get photos where the color of your eyes are visible. In the thumbnails, for close-up shots. On the "My photos" page for full body shots.

This can be tricky for full-body shots, but not impossible.

But remember... just because you're cropping a monument out, it doesn't mean the picture is going to be worse.

You may look good in the picture. And your matches might be curious to know why there's a crowd around you.

...But, as I've said, that's not a question you want to answer in a caption. Let 'em wonder.

The Rule of Thirds
In "classical" photo composition, people are taught that the focus of the photo should be in the center of the picture. And, sometimes, a picture does look better if it's cropped that way.

But, most of the time, I've found that the "Rule of Thirds" works better.

Essentially, imagine drawing a large tic-tac-toe board across the frame of your picture. You should imagine that there are 9 equal squares.

If you decide to use the "rule of thirds", you should try to make sure that you are in a place where the lines of the tic-tac-toe board cross.

In a full-body shot, your head should lie as close to one of the crossings as possible. And in close-ups, I'd see if you could put one of your eyes at one of the crossing points.

Oh, and if you've got some body flaws? You don't want them at the crossing points.

Cut out the clutter!
Finally, if something doesn't seem to add to the picture - cut it out.

If you're at a restaurant - feel free to photoshop out the clutter that's on the table. Things like crumpled-up napkins just distract from the picture. Take 'em out.

Feel free to do the same with other distracting elements. If it's irrelevant - experiment. See if the picture is stronger without that item in the frame.

Why SHOULD you get what you want?

A couple of days ago, I made a suggestion to folks who felt like they couldn't get decent pictures of themselves taken.

My suggestion was simple - find people who are busy taking pictures with their friends. Ask them if they'd like a group photo. They usually want one. Then ask if they'll take your picture in return.

Pretty simple, really. But it's something that's easily forgotten in Internet culture. After all, when you're nameless and faceless, it's easy to write a quick anonymous request. Whether it's asking a woman for guided communication, or a fellow Google Group member for help on a profile.

But, faceless and nameless requests, on the internet, and in real life are usually ignored.

So, if you've made a request, ask yourself one question - "Why should the other person answer?"

If you haven't made it clear why you'd be an interesting guy to talk to... most people won't respond to communication requests.

And if you're asking for help in our Google Group, but you haven't even tried to help any of your fellow members with their questions... most people aren't going to make an effort to help you either.

Relationships aren't just about receiving. You have to give, as well.

(And I'll give you folks a hint - a big reason that I'm doing better on eHarmony today is because I learned so much in the process of helping others.)

When the camera adds a few pounds...

Okay, folks. There's a good reason that I advocate taking tons of pictures, to find the one or two that will make you look good on eHarmony.

Because I really need to do that, myself.

As a guy, I'm in pretty decent shape. I used to be clinically obese, but I've lost over 60 pounds and kept it off for years. I work out a lot. I watch what I eat. A lot of my friends will spontaneously tell me that I need to eat more. And according to medical tables, I'm not overweight.

But, somehow... pictures still seem to show a pot-belly.

Just like most people, I'm just not terribly photogenic.

Now, we could go back to the same camera tricks that women use to hide their weight - but, as I've always pointed out, deceptive photos will kill any potential interest on the date.

But, if it's really a case of the camera adding a few pounds - here are some ways to fix that.

Use perceptual contrast

Photos where I'm standing alone make me look pretty big.

But, when I'm photographed with other people, it doesn't just make me look social.

Now, there's a frame of reference. And, considering that I'm in better shape than the average American (not that that says much), I look a lot more normal.

Heck, when I'm in photos with friends that I consider skinny, I still look better than if I stood alone.

Perspective helps.

Use "rejected photos" as a fashion guide
Over time, you may notice that certain fashion styles work better with you.

For me - tight clothing does accentuate assets, but only to a point. And photos will remind me when I'm going too far.

I've also noticed that, for me, clothing that is particularly dark (black, for example), or brightly colored can also work very well for me.

So, 'ya see... there are some other advantages to taking a ton of pictures.

Go ahead and crop... to a point.
Finally, if there's a photo where you look good from the shoulders-up, don't be afraid to crop the photo.

But don't go crazy with this. You really need to have one or two full-body shots.

If all of your photos look like you've cropped your body out... women aren't stupid.

Better to be honest and confident than sneaky and ashamed.

Collecting photos - without looking like a freak.

One of the keys to having good eHarmony photos is to take a lot of pictures.

Think about it. Supermodel photo shoots use up hundreds of frames - just to find one photo that might be right for the advertisement.

And very few of us are supermodels.

Many folks see my point, but still struggle. They want the photos. But they don't want to look like a freak while they're trying to get them.

And you shouldn't. Here are a few tricks that I use.

The Power of Reciprocity
If you're in a place where there are a lot of people - you'll almost always find someone with a camera, trying to take a picture.

And 99% of the time - they wished that they could get into the picture. But they might be afraid of asking a stranger.

So... solve the problem for them. Ask them if they want to get into the picture, and offer to take it for them.

Some folks will say "no", but very few, in my experience. Most folks will be grateful for the help.

And, after you've taken pictures for them, they'll almost always be willing to take pictures for you.

Simple, but effective.

I'll email you a picture...
Another trick that I use to get pictures?

When I'm at a social gathering, I'll usually take a lot of pictures. And a lot of people will want copies.

Ask for their email address, and let them know that you'll send 'em a copy. Almost no one refuses.

And, if asked, they'll almost always take your picture too.

(And, yes, this is a decent "under the radar" way to get someone's email address, too. This has some disadvantages, as far as approaches go. But it's a good way to get pictures taken...)

Use the hired guns
In pick-up artist terminology, a "hired gun" is someone that is paid to provide services to you. People like waitresses, bartenders, barristas, and other salespeople.

Because of their "hired gun" role, pickup techniques have to be modified to "work" on these kinds of people.

But, if you want pictures... they're paid to make us happy. And they'll almost always agree to take a picture. If you ask, of course.

Just get the picture. Figure out if it's "good" later.
Finally, one other reason that people are shy about taking pictures is their own doubt that a picture would be good.

In the old days (five years ago?), when people had to pay in order to use and develop film, I suppose this made sense. Bad photos did cost money. And hundreds of bad photos would probably cost quite a bit.

But, today... most of us have digital cameras. And after you've paid for the camera - the pictures cost nothing. (Well, okay. There's the cost of electricity. Close to nothing.)

So, now, you don't have to worry.

And you never know if a picture is going to be good... until you've taken it.

So... just take the shot. And decide later if it's one of the few worth using.

Women in profile photos?

Another often-repeated bit of advice is to avoid putting women in your online photos.

In it's original context, it does make some sense. When people put up profile photos that include an ex-girlfriend (or with a woman who has obviously been cut out), people will wonder if you've spent enough time away from her. Or if you're trying to cheat on her.

Obviously, that should be avoided.

Another type of photo that most sources advise against are photos in which you're publicly displaying affection. This advice has become more interesting, especially as many folks in the pick-up artist community are actually suggesting that people do this.

Well, it might be okay for folks that are deep in the pickup artist community. They're not looking for serious relationships. Their profiles consistently point out that they're into online dating for fun and thrills. The personality that they convey in their profile and communications will consistently fit the "playboy" image.

Some women (especially on eHarmony) will not be interested in playboys. And they'll close communication quickly. But that's fine for the dedicated pickup artist, who probably would not want to be with someone who wasn't interested in casual relationships.

So, if you're a consistent fun, playboy-type... Fine. You can get away with those pictures of the times that you're partying and making out with attractive women. But, if you're not, I don't recommend trying this. Because most women (of any stripe) will avoid you if you show any hint of inconsistency in this regard.

Okay, so loving pictures of you and your ex are out. And public displays of affection are a bad idea for most guys.

Should you cut women out of your photos completely?

In my experience, the answer is, "No."

If you're in groups that include women, group photos can work just fine.

And pictures of social occasions that include women in the background, in my experience, have improved my results.

They demonstrate that I'm not on eHarmony because of desperation.

It demonstrates that I meet lots of women. And that I'm on eHarmony because I'm trying to find someone that's right for me.

Some "myths" about eHarmony Photos

As I've mentioned, a lot of advice about online dating is what I refer to as "etiquette-based" advice.

The advice isn't based upon what's effective, or what makes you look best. It's based on what seems proper or polite.

One bit of etiquette-based advice that has been repeated is that you should have clear, honest photos of you standing alone, with no other people (especially other women!), and no distractions.

I suppose it's "polite" for a photo to provide a realistic view of how you look. And I don't disagree with that. Deceptive photos may provide some short-term benefits, but will absolutely kill any chance you have on a date with someone.

But appearing alone against a blank background? My experience shows that such photos can harm your photos' effectiveness.

As I've pointed out before, photos can show a lot more than just how you look.

They demonstrate your genuineness. If you've described yourself as a rugged outdoorsman - a photo can show that you're not just engaging in fantasy.

And, when other people are in the photo, they demonstrate that you're social. Which is an important quality for most women.

Let your pictures demonstrate your personality. Not just your appearance.

Closes - you can't take 'em personally.

So, you've found a woman that you're really interested in getting to know better.

You initiate communication, and eagerly anticipate her response.

The next day? You discover that she's closed you.

Yes, folks. It happens to everyone. And it can be upsetting. Especially at first.

And when it's happening a lot - a lot of men take it personally. They begin to feel like there's something wrong with them.

But, really... why would someone think that?

If it is happening a lot - it's the sign of a bad profile.

That's okay. Building a profile (and selecting your photos) is a skill that says nothing about how worthy you are as a person. I know a lot of great guys (including myself) who had difficulty showing how great they really are.

Remember - they're saying "no" to your current profile - not you. They don't know you yet.

Failing? Build bridges, not walls.

Sorry about the delay, folks. Unfortunately, I got back home later than expected. Thank you, American Airlines...

But the situation did remind me of one problem that many folks on eHarmony face.

Just as the pressures of the marketplace are causing stress on American Airlines, many folks on eHarmony feel the pressure to come up with the "right" profile.

And, in the pressure, they forget one vital thing.

They forget to look at things from the other person's perspective.

As a result, they let their anger and desperation seep into their profiles.

They forget what makes them unique and worthwhile. And they don't build profiles that actually help the other person get to know them better.

And, on the date? On the times when they're lucky enough to get one, they become sessions of "What do I need to do to get to the good parts", and "do you meet my needs?", instead of getting the opportunity to know someone a little better.

And when things don't work? They blame someone that could have been an ally in their search for "the one". If they had only given them a chance.

Remember folks. This process is about making friends.

Give 'em a chance.

I'm on vacation...

See you all back on the 15th.

Read your profile. Really. READ it.

I'm not kidding in my title.

Really. Read it out loud.

Does it sound like something you'd actually say?

Most of the time, when guys are trying to impress, they use language that's much more formal than they use in real life.

Or they try to be too cool, and pepper their profile with more L33T SP33K than substance. LOL. :-)

But, when people actually read profiles that are overly-formal, or too-hip-and-casual... they see someone who isn't being genuine.

Again, it's best to use relaxed, normal speech.

The same way you'd talk in real life.

Hey, sensitive guys...

If you've seen my work on this blog, and in our Google group, you've probably noticed that I come down pretty hard on guys who try to distinguish themselves by being "in touch with their feelings", "sensitive", "nice", and so forth.

Is it bad to be in touch with your feelings as a guy?

No. It's not. But you have to be careful in how you show your sensitivity.

If you portray yourself as a spineless wimp - most healthy women won't want a relationship with a guy who's so "sensitive" that they never know what to do.

If you're offering or implying romantic bribes to women who you don't know... women assume that you have nothing else to offer them.

And if you're just spouting cliches - well, intelligent women know that you're full of it. And they'll stay far away.

And sensitivity, alone, is usually not enough to attract attention.

But... hints toward a sensitive side might be okay.

Enthusiasm toward the arts can be attractive. Service toward worthy causes, as well.

Things that show strength and sensitivity.

Don't try to "fake it". Women see right through fakery.

But genuine, subtle hints toward your emotional maturity can make you more attractive.

My Fellow Americans...

I never thought that writing a blog would come to this.

P.S. If you edit the link, you can put in someone else's name, too. Might be a decent trick, for those of you who incorporate these kinds of things into your approaches.

That's enough labor for today - have a great day, folks!